Jack Monroe #127 No-spend year

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Pocahontas

VIP Member
Congratulations to @MooBelle for the thread title! 🎉 Your prize: a can opener (and a ring pull tin of your choice).

Recap of thread #126



  1. She started the new year at her desk, by the [electric] fire, wishing for furious cats.
  2. Counting Crows Jack came to stay.
  3. Cooper the cat sat on her first draft of cookbook 7 (Modern Budget Cooking).
  4. She ‘hard relates to the squirrel sized serious lil monkey’. It’s a smol world, after all.
  5. She asked ‘where’s the first place to want to visit when all ~this~ is over and it’s completely safe to do so?’
  6. She’s on a ‘no-spend year (with obvious exceptions)’, therefore cannot be tempted by any more William Morris merch. Gifts not included, obv.
  7. She talked about can openers and ring pull tins, but rest assured, there’s no tins like Del Monte tins. They have ring pulls for people who can’t afford tin openers. I think that’s the rationale.
  8. Louisa is at the bungalow cooking roasties and SB is now 9 years old (on Instagram).
  9. Over on Twitter, he’s 10 again and is apparently the inspiration for a great new poll. ‘Would you rather sing like Taylor, or paint like Picasso’. 🤷🏻‍♀️
  10. She stands with Dave on Twitter and wants to help him in case Allison Pearson sues him for libel. Having been at the centre of the ‘landmark twitter libel case’ she is like, an expert.
  11. [*]
    For new joiners to the thread, here is @Passive_Aggressive_Lemon ‘s ‘Jack for Dummies’ post (edited to include updated info):

    Thought it might be useful for new followers to have a post at the start of each thread with some info.
    Limegoss article about Jack versus Jamie Oliver : https://limegoss.com/jack-monroe-jamie-oliver/

    Thread #31 is the infamous one in which Jack turns up to talk to us directly. She makes her appearance on p. 17.

    For anyone wanting to relive the glory days of her two-week stint on Daily Kitchen Live (DKL), have a grunk a through threads 2-9.

    *** JACKISMS ***

    Jack’s most oft-used reply to questions on recipe substitutions:

    Yes, absolutely x

    Some other favourite Jack quotes:

    ‘Babe, same’
    ‘I did a chaos’
    ‘My maverick brain’
    ‘My sad little face’
    ‘I’m BUSY’
    ‘I HOOTED / I am FIZZING’
    ‘I laughed up a lung’

    ** NEW **
    ‘Literally hella embarrassed AF’ about ‘Brexit and flip-flopping Covid flippancy’ and she ‘didn’t even vote for it’.

    She likes to describe herself as ‘puppyishly honest and naively enthusiastic’

    As of late November 2020, Jack conceded she is not poor, but living to a budget as she is saving for a forever home for her and SB.

    *****

    One of Jack’s followers once referred to Tattlers as sad hausfraus and Jack herself has likened us to a cabal. Therefore we have become the Cabal of Hausfraus™️. She also recently referred to us as ‘gossip mavens’ (so, we are gossip trusted experts). ** Recent additions to her terms of endearment for Tattle: conspiracy wankers, obsessive groups of completely unhinged bullies, bullying ninnies, and malign, vicious bullies **

    To ‘GrunkaLunka’ your way through a thread means to catch up on posts. Named after a member who rather epically caught up on many threads in a short period of time (and is also a fearless pioneer of the space-time continuum. She really was here both Now and Then).

    Jack once threatened to use her Liam Neeson skills to TRIANGULATE our whereabouts in order to intimidate us, so that’s what we mean by that. * She may also threaten to take us to court - do not be afraid, this is not the first time and it won’t be the last. *

    Jack once sideboard modelled a Vivienne Westwood dress, seeming to infer that it’s what Viv would have wanted (as if she were dead), and then got snippy when corrected otherwise. There may be some ‘RIP Viv’ jokes (she is, of course, NOT dead)

    We sometimes joke about being on Vladimir Putin’s bitcoin payroll list for being evil trolls.

    During her stint on Daily Kitchen Live, Jack produced a godawful looking lasagne, with a thin white sauce that never thickened up, just disappeared. It was widely likened to ‘horse spunk’ - there may be some horse ‘spirit’ lasagne jokes.

    Her last-uttered line to Matt Tebutt on DKL was: ‘Thank you so Matt much, Matt’, which made us all HOOT.

    Jack ended a tweet that listed her (not unimpressive) four-and-a-half GCSE results (A*, A, B, B, C) with: ‘Now fuck off’. We sometimes like to use this in our own posts for comedic effect. We are NOT telling other fraus to fuck off, simply paying homage to Jack’s own genteel humour.

    *Back in the mists of time, one funny frau used a Jimmy Nail ‘She’s Lying’ picture to illustrate their thoughts on one of Jack’s latest tales. @Alpha Beta thought it was Novak Djokovic, the cabal hooted and Novak Nail was born. You may see reference to Jimmy Nail, Novak Djokovic, or the combination of both: Novak Nail. All demonstrate that she’s lying.*

    Also:
    • She grew up in a 5-bed (mortgaged/owned) house
    • She got a £4.5k Omega watch for her 21st birthday
    • Her dad's a fucking LANDLORD (an oldy, but a goody)
    • Jack and Louisa are no longer in a relationship - in Jack’s words: ‘She [Louisa] left’.
    • ** NEW ** However, during Lockdown 2 (November 2020), a bubble buddy, ‘buddle’ (BB) came to stay with Jack. BB is pescatarian, cycles 200 miles a week, and works in London. Jack is teaching her to cook, while also using her as a figure of gentle ridicule. She cannot cook, she cannot iron, she cannot clean the television properly, she left the hose out and it got eaten by a fox, and she doesn’t know the difference between wet and dry ingredients.
    • Her record for staying off Twitter since the start of these threads is 114 hours and 47 minutes.
    • She is 90% vegan. The other 10% likes to nom nom on Five Guys burger and discounted chicken slices.
    • During her appearance on DKL, she was asked why some mince has a higher fat content. ‘It just does.’
    • The information held on her by Companies House has her year of birth WRONG. She was born in 1988, not 1978.
    • She recently claimed she found her Burberry scarf in a muddy puddle.
    [*][*]
    Here is a link to Jack’s Tattle Wiki page, which also includes clips of Matt Tebutt muttering ‘Terrible!’ on Daily Kitchen Live, courtesy of @Yel) and @Bookweevil ‘s hilarious Glossary of Jack.

    We are terrible for going off on tangents and using too many gifs, so there is another thread where we don’t discuss JM but instead talk about biscuits and stuff. For good light relief when JM is doing too much chaos, come to the Food & Drink threads in Off Topic.

    • Lastly, but importantly, when submitting ideas for the next thread title, please use the words ‘thread title’, as it makes it easier to search. Just using the number won’t be enough. We also can’t have swears in the title, and try to hold off until around p. 40 for your suggestions, if possible. ThankYOU.
    [*][*][*]
 
Last edited:

Switchstreetz

Chatty Member

1/.She writes for the express AND the telegraph ?! Like... without even a pseudonym? How does she honestly think she's remotely a left wing activist when she's helping those two hateful rags earn money/views??? 🤢🤢🤢

Sorry I'm about to become peak annoying emoji person but

2/. THIS 👏 IS 👏NOT 👏ABOUT 👏 YOU 👏 JACK
 

Mogmog

Member
I look forward to seeing the weird and wacky places she will say her newly purchased items were found in this no spend year.
My guesses:
- She had her windows open during a storm and it just blew in
- It has been stuck at her publisher's all lockdown and has only just arrived
- SB went without sausages and saved his pocket money to buy it (Mothers Day is coming up!)
- It was accidentally delivered but the company doesn't want it back
- A gift from a fellow Express/Telegraph/rightwing colleague
- There was a bright light and a puff of smoke and it suddenly appeared in her living room
- The magic puddle provides again
 

MooBelle

VIP Member
Congratulations to @MooBelle for the thread title! 🎉 Your prize: a can opener (and a ring pull tin of your choice).

Recap of thread #126



  1. She started the new year at her desk, by the [electric] fire, wishing for furious cats.
  2. Counting Crows Jack came to stay.
  3. Cooper the cat sat on her first draft of cookbook 7 (Modern Budget Cooking).
  4. She ‘hard relates to the squirrel sized serious lil monkey’. It’s a smol world, after all.
  5. She asked ‘where’s the first place to want to visit when all ~this~ is over and it’s completely safe to do so?’
  6. She’s on a ‘no-spend year (with obvious exceptions)’, therefore cannot be tempted by any more William Morris merch. Gifts not included, obv.
  7. She talked about can openers and ring pull tins, but rest assured, there’s no tins like Del Monte tins. They have ring pulls for people who can’t afford tin openers. I think that’s the rationale.
  8. Louisa is at the bungalow cooking roasties and SB is now 9 years old (on Instagram).
  9. Over on Twitter, he’s 10 again and is apparently the inspiration for a great new poll. ‘Would you rather sing like Taylor, or paint like Picasso’. 🤷🏻‍♀️
  10. She stands with Dave on Twitter and wants to help him in case Allison Pearson sues him for libel. Having been at the centre of the ‘landmark twitter libel case’ she is like, an expert.
  11. [*]
    For new joiners to the thread, here is @Passive_Aggressive_Lemon ‘s ‘Jack for Dummies’ post (edited to include updated info):

    Thought it might be useful for new followers to have a post at the start of each thread with some info.
    Limegoss article about Jack versus Jamie Oliver : https://limegoss.com/jack-monroe-jamie-oliver/

    Thread #31 is the infamous one in which Jack turns up to talk to us directly. She makes her appearance on p. 17.

    For anyone wanting to relive the glory days of her two-week stint on Daily Kitchen Live (DKL), have a grunk a through threads 2-9.

    *** JACKISMS ***

    Jack’s most oft-used reply to questions on recipe substitutions:

    Yes, absolutely x

    Some other favourite Jack quotes:

    ‘Babe, same’
    ‘I did a chaos’
    ‘My maverick brain’
    ‘My sad little face’
    ‘I’m BUSY’
    ‘I HOOTED / I am FIZZING’
    ‘I laughed up a lung’

    ** NEW **
    ‘Literally hella embarrassed AF’ about ‘Brexit and flip-flopping Covid flippancy’ and she ‘didn’t even vote for it’.

    She likes to describe herself as ‘puppyishly honest and naively enthusiastic’

    As of late November 2020, Jack conceded she is not poor, but living to a budget as she is saving for a forever home for her and SB.

    *****

    One of Jack’s followers once referred to Tattlers as sad hausfraus and Jack herself has likened us to a cabal. Therefore we have become the Cabal of Hausfraus™️. She also recently referred to us as ‘gossip mavens’ (so, we are gossip trusted experts). ** Recent additions to her terms of endearment for Tattle: conspiracy wankers, obsessive groups of completely unhinged bullies, bullying ninnies, and malign, vicious bullies **

    To ‘GrunkaLunka’ your way through a thread means to catch up on posts. Named after a member who rather epically caught up on many threads in a short period of time (and is also a fearless pioneer of the space-time continuum. She really was here both Now and Then).

    Jack once threatened to use her Liam Neeson skills to TRIANGULATE our whereabouts in order to intimidate us, so that’s what we mean by that. * She may also threaten to take us to court - do not be afraid, this is not the first time and it won’t be the last. *

    Jack once sideboard modelled a Vivienne Westwood dress, seeming to infer that it’s what Viv would have wanted (as if she were dead), and then got snippy when corrected otherwise. There may be some ‘RIP Viv’ jokes (she is, of course, NOT dead)

    We sometimes joke about being on Vladimir Putin’s bitcoin payroll list for being evil trolls.

    During her stint on Daily Kitchen Live, Jack produced a godawful looking lasagne, with a thin white sauce that never thickened up, just disappeared. It was widely likened to ‘horse spunk’ - there may be some horse ‘spirit’ lasagne jokes.

    Her last-uttered line to Matt Tebutt on DKL was: ‘Thank you so Matt much, Matt’, which made us all HOOT.

    Jack ended a tweet that listed her (not unimpressive) four-and-a-half GCSE results (A*, A, B, B, C) with: ‘Now fuck off’. We sometimes like to use this in our own posts for comedic effect. We are NOT telling other fraus to fuck off, simply paying homage to Jack’s own genteel humour.

    *Back in the mists of time, one funny frau used a Jimmy Nail ‘She’s Lying’ picture to illustrate their thoughts on one of Jack’s latest tales. @Alpha Beta thought it was Novak Djokovic, the cabal hooted and Novak Nail was born. You may see reference to Jimmy Nail, Novak Djokovic, or the combination of both: Novak Nail. All demonstrate that she’s lying.*

    Also:
    • She grew up in a 5-bed (mortgaged/owned) house
    • She got a £4.5k Omega watch for her 21st birthday
    • Her dad's a fucking LANDLORD (an oldy, but a goody)
    • Jack and Louisa are no longer in a relationship - in Jack’s words: ‘She [Louisa] left’.
    • ** NEW ** However, during Lockdown 2 (November 2020), a bubble buddy, ‘buddle’ (BB) came to stay with Jack. BB is pescatarian, cycles 200 miles a week, and works in London. Jack is teaching her to cook, while also using her as a figure of gentle ridicule. She cannot cook, she cannot iron, she cannot clean the television properly, she left the hose out and it got eaten by a fox, and she doesn’t know the difference between wet and dry ingredients.
    • Her record for staying off Twitter since the start of these threads is 114 hours and 47 minutes.
    • She is 90% vegan. The other 10% likes to nom nom on Five Guys burger and discounted chicken slices.
    • During her appearance on DKL, she was asked why some mince has a higher fat content. ‘It just does.’
    • The information held on her by Companies House has her year of birth WRONG. She was born in 1988, not 1978.
    • She recently claimed she found her Burberry scarf in a muddy puddle.
    [*][*][*]
    Here is a link to Jack’s Tattle Wiki page, which also includes clips of Matt Tebutt muttering ‘Terrible!’ on Daily Kitchen Live, courtesy of @Yel) and @Bookweevil ‘s hilarious Glossary of Jack.

    We are terrible for going off on tangents and using too many gifs, so there is another thread where we don’t discuss JM but instead talk about biscuits and stuff. For good light relief when JM is doing too much chaos, come to the Food & Drink threads in Off Topic.

    • Lastly, but importantly, when submitting ideas for the next thread title, please use the words ‘thread title’, as it makes it easier to search. Just using the number won’t be enough. We also can’t have swears in the title, and try to hold off until around p. 40 for your suggestions, if possible. ThankYOU.
    [*][*][*][*]
Hurrah!!!! I'd like a can of pineapple rings please...

Waiting for her to imply she was the cause of Allison and Dave making peace.
'behind the scenes' Jack strikes a blow for good again
 

HotesTilaire

VIP Member
Laura Waddell the journalist who wrote for the Scotsman. That Laura Waddell? I wonder who she is referring to.

Amusing story- I was just doing some emergency diy anyway I needed a part so I bought one from Screwfix 🔺
Went up there to collect it, pulled myself up to my full 5ft, took off my children’s gloves that I wear coz my hands are so smol, swished my long hair, collected the new valve and that was it. Place was full of geezers, not one of them commented on my traazers or being a bird or doing diy. Never even got called “love” the guy called me mister at the till (I think that’s just his default). Unbelievable.
 
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