Dealing with Death

[slugella]

Same with mum. I’ve broken down at the thought of it in the past. I also get upset at the thought of me dying before mum, and how she would cope without me. Death happens to us all it’s one thing in life that’s guaranteed but I don’t think it makes it any less scary.

One thing that doesn’t scare me though is what actually happens when you die. I appreciate others thoughts and religious takes on it but in my mind we die and we go to rest.

I think this too. I can't imagine losing her, and also worry about how she would be if she lost me or my brother.

My dad passed when I was in high school and I remember checking in on my mum every few nights to check she was breathing as I was so anxious about it. Sounds super dramatic and weird to type haha but yeah death and grief are scary.

 

[thunderfook]

I lost my dad to Covid on the 5th of February this year. I am beyond devastated. It's only hitting me now that he is never coming back. I can't believe il never see him again. He fought for 5 weeks in the hospital but unfortunately covid won. He had no underlying conditions

I’m joining this post to say I also lost my dad to a horrific and extremely rare blood disorder and have just been to lay flowers at his memorial. I still miss him everyday and wish I could tell him just one more time, how loved his is.

 

[Allthevest20]

Lost my mum last year. I honestly feel I’ll never be the same. When you have a mum you always have somewhere to go and someone who loves you (hopefully)

This. I lost my Mum in 2017 (I was late 20s) And with her I also got made to leave our family home of 21 years (OH so considerate housing association there) so I have anxiety every single day that I'll lose my job and therefore my home again. Never had a dad to lose as it were but he's also not here anymore.
I just about have my grandparents - both very elderly. Ones in a home and the other is struggling immensely and its hard seeing them like this. Not knowing who I am. Who my Mum was when that was their daughter. Covid means I've not been able to see Nan since March and daren't visit Grandad too often incase I pass something over.

I still don't feel I grieved properly over Mum. I feel I handled it too well? I had to go back to work after 5 weeks as couldn't afford not to and had to focus on emptying a house and moving. I grieved ALOT when she was diagnosed so maybe it was just backwards. I tried bereavement counselling but I didn't get what it was supposed to achieve as I talk about her fairly openly without breaking down.

Did have a tear seeing my Nan in a photo earlier mind. She's just a shell now and it's not fair I can't visit (one visitor only and must be the same person each time...)

But it's just me now basically. I can't go "home" or even to my Grandparents anymore. It's a scary as hell feeling (only in 30s now)

 

[nurseren]

I love this site, there’s a thread for everything and we all support each other.

Christmas has been hard for me this year. My daughter was born sleeping in September. As soon as I was getting back on my feet and functioning with that, my Papa died at the beginning of December. My Papa was any grandad but he was like a Dad to me, and his death was very sudden. Then on that day as I was getting ready to go and meet my mum, I fed my bunny rabbit and discovered he had died too. I had him for 11 years.

Losing my Papa has hit me hard. I’m still so confused that he’s gone, and I’m thinking of him endlessly. I keep wanting to ring him. I framed his birthday card to me to hang in my house. I feel that he was the only family member I had who really was proud of me and listened to me. It hurts that he has gone and I won’t hear his voice again.

 

[Abongo]

Abongo, I could cry for you. Things are still so raw - I don’t think a year when it comes to a sudden death is like a normal year. Your Uncle sounds like a lovely man who deserved his happy ending.

It’s so hard to know what to do when you’re grieving yourself and seeing those who are normally so strong broken. I don’t have any answers I’m afraid but I’m sure your Dad and Nana will benefit from opportunities to talk about him. There’s bound to be some anger too, why was he taken and so suddenly. There are good apps and websites too if you feel more professional help is needed, for any of you.

This time of year is the absolute worst when you’re feeling low. Take it one day at a time and don’t put yourself under pressure to do anything. Maybe if your Dad and Nana feel up to it you can go somewhere special to you all on Christmas Day and put some flowers or something down.

I love your posts, I totally get your sense of humour! I use Tattle as an escape from stuff and to switch off from everything else and your posts definitely help that. Sending you and your family lots of love

Len, thank you it’s coming up to his anniversary and I don’t know what to do. I still have his work jacket hung up with my coats just to feel close to him. I dream about him every other week and they’re never really sad/weird dreams. Just dreams where he’s there and im hugging him telling him I love and miss him. He was like a dad to me and always was. Honestly, if you knew him you’d know what I mean. Such a beautiful soul and I’m always riddled with grief.
this site gets a bad rep but like you id go insane without it

 

[Tinkerbell cat]

couldn't find a more specific thread to post this in as it's not human death related, so hope this is ok. Does/has anyone struggle coping with the death of animals? We lost our family dog of 14 years last Easter which was incredibly traumatic as we were in the middle of the pandemic - we weren't able to say goodbye to him, only drop him off at the vets and watch them take him away whilst not being allowed to leave the car. Recently, more noticeably after Christmas time, I have been really effected by the death of any animal that I see or hear of, to the point where I will lose sleep thinking of how much they must have been in pain or their families etc, to the point where I get very upset if I even see of animals going missing. I'm wondering if this could be related to the death of my dog, but was wondering if anyone else finds it extremely hard to cope with the death of animals, even though they aren't yours?

I feel the same. My little cat is only just over a year old but when I imagine one day her not being here it literally fills me with dread! I have started thinking back to my child hood and the two dogs I had then as pets and miss them more than ever. If I see anything related to animals on social media like a missing dog/cat or something to do with animal abuse I just want to cry. My partner told me something the other day about a woman who had a lot of mental health problems and was on medication. She hadn't been taking her medication properly and told her brother that her dog was going to do something to her. Her brother found her dead the next day with an injury to the neck caused by the dog, the dog was cowering in the corner... obviously the dog had to get put to sleep but I found myself thinking maybe the woman provoked the dog and the poor wee thing was scared and upset in the corner. I then thought I must be an awful person because a woman has lost her life and I am more upset about the dog! I think I am just too soft when it comes to animals and love them so much.

Sorry to hear about your family dog, they really do become part of the family and I can't imagine that was easy, not saying goodbye properly. xo

 

[Allthevest20]

My mum passed away 2 weeks ago tomorrow. She was only 53 and I am 26. We were as close as you could possibly be.
She was diagnosed with cancer last year but told she got the all clear this January. During lockdown she went for a routine scan and found it had come back. That was in May and things went downhill rapidly.

I miss her so much already. I can’t imagine my life without her and knowing she won’t be there at my wedding or when I have kids is crippling me.
I have waves of feeling okay but then I get hit by intense and overwhelming grief.

Any advice or help would be greatly appreciated from those of you who have gone through similar.

Love to everyone going through tough times.

Im so sorry for your loss I'm 3 years down the road from you (Mum was 59 and me 28) and the first year was very strange. My coping mechanisms were to plan things (which I know this year is harder) and I had things made such as a teddy from her clothing and a ring with some of her ashes which give me huge comfort.

Time doesn't heal per se as you'll never ever forget her. My Mum is on my mind everyday but it does get easier - I put my name on the wait list for cruse just after she died and by time I got an appointment I felt ok (about a year later). The firsts I dread alot but the anticipation of them was worse than the days. I made sure I remembered her in my way and I still do.

You'll still be numb/angry at the moment. Take time for you. Don't bottle anything - you wanna cry, Then you cry. You wanna scream then you scream. Macmillan forum is pretty good as there's a bereaved relatives Group there I found very comforting as we had been members during her diagnosis and treatment journey and then even those people really helped me get though it.

Feel welcome to message or tag me if you need to. Everyone's grief is personal. I felt like I should have been crying everyday and I wasn't but that was just me. I have tears now but it's not as frequent. You will get there and you will make her so so proud x

 

[EvieBaby]

With regard to grief coming in waves, below is a post from user Gsnow on reddit a long. Time ago which went semi vital. It might be interesting to some.
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Absolutely love this. Thanks for sharing xx

 

[Namewithheld]

Long time lurker and never posted. I can only say I am so sorry for all of your losses.

On the 6th November we lost my partners dad, it was sudden and traumatic and I still can’t get my head around it all.

3 days before the funeral I was told my special nan had decided to stop further investigations and treatment after a 6 week stint in hospital and that she would be coming home on end of life care. On the 27 November we were told that she may make Christmas and to get the carers etc in order. On the 30th November we received a 5am call to go to the hospital as she was deteriorating. She passed away later that afternoon with us by her side. We had 3 days with her rather than weeks. I will never get over being there, with her, but I am so glad I was. She was a very special lady, who was practically my second mum.

I then lost my lovely dog of 16 years 10 days after nan.

Sorry for rambling, I just felt like I needed to write things down. As my partners own grieve is still very raw, I have limited people to talk to, who can also relate. I’m tired of being told I need to be strong. Until this year I had never experienced losing anyone or grief.

 

[Gembo]

Randomly came across this thread.
My Dad was a seemingly fit and healthy 82yr old in April this year. Then in May he had some leg swelling, followed by abdomen swelling. Cut a long story short, he had a CT scan in June and died in July.
The CT scan showed stomach cancer that had spread everywhere. He literally had barely any symptoms before the leg swelling. Maybe a little weight loss but that’s it.
We cared for him at home. On the morning of the day he died, I spoke to hospice team via a telephone consult and she arranged some medications and for a bed etc to come to the house a few days later.
The night he died, I was helping him to the loo and he literally just looked at me and stopped breathing. It was traumatic for us but very quick for him.
I wasn’t sure whether to go and see him at the chapel of rest but needed to as my last memory of him was quite traumatic in some ways. I’m glad I did as he looked just like him (to a degree) and so at peace. It’s a very personal choice but the right one for me.
I cried my eyes out the night he passed but haven’t cried at all since and I don’t know why.
I miss him beyond words, I think about him all the time and talk to him constantly.
I think in my head I’m lagging behind real time- it’s almost as though I’m still dealing with the news he is terminally ill and has limited time left, let alone the fact he’s now gone.
Maybe I’m numb? Maybe I won’t cry?
I’m functioning, working etc. But there’s just part of me that’s empty.
I think I’ll try bereavement counselling.
I was the one that dealt with all the drs phone calls, visits etc. All his funeral arrangements and bits and bobs like death registration so maybe I’m still on auto pilot.
All I know is I miss him but not just miss him, I long for him to be back with us. It’s so shit.
We kept his ashes and have them in the lounge at home. There’s such a calmness when I sit with him. I find comfort in that.
Sorry it’s a long post guys x

My gosh I am so sorry, what an awful lot to be dealing with. I’m really glad that you have your dads ashes in the lounge and that brings you comfort, I did the same with my parents and it helped a lot. Grief is often nothing like we expect it to be. I think everything you’ve said is right, it’s a lot to process so your brain is on a bit of a delay and when you have to deal with everything it does make you go into autopilot. Don’t put any pressure or expectations upon how you feel, the feelings will come and go and vary in intensity. There’s no right or wrong and we don’t really get much say in it. After my mum died I was relatively ok & felt guilty for it, then around the year anniversary the grief just hit me and I grieved then how I felt I should have and expect to when she actually died. It sounds so cliche but really just be kind and gentle with yourself xx

 

[Dwightschrute]

Recently got back from visiting some of my other half's family. His dad is so rude, always has to be right and never has a good word to say about anything or anyone. He is generally a horrible person and noone enjoys his company.

I have been so sad the past few days as all I keep thinking is why is he alive making everyone around him miserable when my wonderful, amazing, funniest, most caring, loving dad is dead. My dad bought joy to people and was taken far too soon first by dementia then in death and it is so so cruel.

It is his birthday on Wednesday and I just want to give him a hug and hear him say I love you once more.

First of all I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mum last September and I am not okay.

One of the only reassuring thoughts I have is something my boyfriend said to me the day she passed away. Which was ‘at least you had 26 years of having the best, most loving mum ever. Some people have 90+ years of a bad parent with a hard relationship’. It’s not much comfort I know but honestly I’d pick my short time I had with my wonderful mum than a lifetime with a bad one.

 

[Lilu22]

This morning at work, we discovered one of our colleagues had very unexpectedly passed away in the night. Safe to say all of us were stunned and struggled to understand and comprehend what we were being told. It was my first experience with dealing with death (of a person) and I just felt so numb. Finding this thread has brought me some sort of comfort today

 

[tskiry56]

Both my grandparents passed away in 2017. Before that I had never really experienced a death in the family where I realised the enormity of what had happened.
I was 29 and I don't think it hit me until years later. My nan was diagnosed with leukaemia in the January and passed away in the June and my pap passed away in the october 5 days after being told on my nans birthday he had stomach cancer.
I felt incredibly guilty during that time as I was going through my own issues after coming out of a dv relationship.. though my pap was here to see my ex get charged and see me be happy which my nan wanted.
My nan said she had a great life and it was her time while my pap believed my nan missed him. So its comforting that they are together.

 

[Boredofthegram]

I lost my dad at the age of 53 9 years ago now. The grief comes in waves and sometimes knocks me for six. I hate the fact he never got to meet my son (who’s 6). A couple of years ago I lost 3 friends in the space of a few months, all in their early 30’s with young families, one to suicide and two to fast advancing cancer which wasn’t diagnosed until it was too late. It’s made me paranoid now of losing my mum or something happening to me and leaving my son without a parent. I think about it most days I’d say. I do listen to griefcast and take comfort in the fact that we aren’t alone in our grief.

 

[Gembo]

I completely agree with Rodney above, when you’ve experienced loss it can leave you on high alert. I lost 4 people very close to me in the space of just over a year, two of which were my parents and I was with them when they passed. It still gives me nightmares and I can’t get it out of my head some days. I feel a lot more worried about death than I ever did before now that I’ve seen it, I get myself in a state sometimes worrying about my husband and other people I love, I feel absolutely terrified of anything happening to them and I feel like I’m more afraid of dying than I used to be. I only had a nightmare this morning that I was with my mum and then suddenly I was looking at her through a window from a distance and could see her dying and I was running to try and get to her but I couldn’t. My husband woke me up because I was crying in my sleep. I’m still really struggling with the losses I’ve had.

 

[Platypusfattypus]

I think this too. I can't imagine losing her, and also worry about how she would be if she lost me or my brother.

My dad passed when I was in high school and I remember checking in on my mum every few nights to check she was breathing as I was so anxious about it. Sounds super dramatic and weird to type haha but yeah death and grief are scary.

I wad told that when you lose a parent as a child there is a huge amount of anxiety about losing the other parent. I developed OCD around my dad dying after my mum had died.

 

[suzuka]

Also sending love to those who miss their loved ones and have a hard time during holidays. <3

 

[ATV2021]

I became very blank about death after losing both parents in my 20s. Granted only gave a shit about 1 of them. My Mum always believed your time was up when it's up which dis somewhat help me, and also knowing she would have hated me moping. I grieved of course but I think I grieved more at her original cancer diagnosis, I was very numb when she did die as it happened super fast. I was glad for her that she didn't have to suffer long but also angry initially that she had "left me". I lost both Grandparents within 4 months (Mums parents) late 2020/21 too. Left with 2 relatives I'm not close to but it is what it is.

I realised that for my own MH I had to accept it, and keep going with my life because I didn't want to be angry or sad about something I physically couldn't change. I do sometimes have guilt creep in that I don't feel "sad" anymore but I also know they wouldn't want me to.

Sending love to everyone struggling and I hope you find peace somehow

 

[Gloria Roscoe]

Not a great subject I know but I’m hoping that this thread will give people the opportunity to express emotions that may be difficult to say aloud but easier to type.

I lost my grandad 7 years ago and I’ve never quite been able to come to terms with it. I find it so awful that he is still gone and will never be back. It was a very sudden death, no illness at all. I just went round one day and he did answer the door. I used a key and he has collapsed upstairs . A short stay in hospital and be passed away. The worst bit was never being able to say goodbye and being so close to someone (he was a total legend) and all of a sudden they are gone. Absolutely awful.

Sorry to hear of your loss. Grief is awful. I know this might sound harsh, but you will never get over it. Bereavement is something that lives with us, like bonion. You do become better able to live a happy life as time goes on. My mother died four years ago and the grief broke me. However, I have started to live my life again.

I am sure your granfather would want you to live your life, and enjoy it. But yes, there are days when grief hits you like a ton of bricks, even years afterwards. You can't fight bereavement, you have to accept that it is there and try and do something positive to boost your mood, like listening to music or watching a film that makes you laugh.

I take it you attended his funeral or memorial. That is a way of saying goodbye, so really, you did say goodbye. He will have known how much you loved him.

I find it helps talking to other people who have been through bereavement.

I hope you find my input helpful.

 

[Its_Me]

Me too. I find night time is the worst. I will lie in bed worrying. This probably sounds weird but sometimes my husband will fall asleep on the sofa and when I wake up and realise he isn't there, I panic that something has happened... a really awful feeling. The thought of losing my mum too fills me with absolute terror. At least we aren't alone in our worries. It isn't spoken about enough. xx

Same with mum. I’ve broken down at the thought of it in the past. I also get upset at the thought of me dying before mum, and how she would cope without me. Death happens to us all it’s one thing in life that’s guaranteed but I don’t think it makes it any less scary.

One thing that doesn’t scare me though is what actually happens when you die. I appreciate others thoughts and religious takes on it but in my mind we die and we go to rest.