Dealing with Death

[Belle83]

Randomly came across this thread.
My Dad was a seemingly fit and healthy 82yr old in April this year. Then in May he had some leg swelling, followed by abdomen swelling. Cut a long story short, he had a CT scan in June and died in July.
The CT scan showed stomach cancer that had spread everywhere. He literally had barely any symptoms before the leg swelling. Maybe a little weight loss but that’s it.
We cared for him at home. On the morning of the day he died, I spoke to hospice team via a telephone consult and she arranged some medications and for a bed etc to come to the house a few days later.
The night he died, I was helping him to the loo and he literally just looked at me and stopped breathing. It was traumatic for us but very quick for him.
I wasn’t sure whether to go and see him at the chapel of rest but needed to as my last memory of him was quite traumatic in some ways. I’m glad I did as he looked just like him (to a degree) and so at peace. It’s a very personal choice but the right one for me.
I cried my eyes out the night he passed but haven’t cried at all since and I don’t know why.
I miss him beyond words, I think about him all the time and talk to him constantly.
I think in my head I’m lagging behind real time- it’s almost as though I’m still dealing with the news he is terminally ill and has limited time left, let alone the fact he’s now gone.
Maybe I’m numb? Maybe I won’t cry?
I’m functioning, working etc. But there’s just part of me that’s empty.
I think I’ll try bereavement counselling.
I was the one that dealt with all the drs phone calls, visits etc. All his funeral arrangements and bits and bobs like death registration so maybe I’m still on auto pilot.
All I know is I miss him but not just miss him, I long for him to be back with us. It’s so shit.
We kept his ashes and have them in the lounge at home. There’s such a calmness when I sit with him. I find comfort in that.
Sorry it’s a long post guys x

 

[Lizzie Mintdrop]

The first death I experienced was my Grandad, he lived with us. He suffered with dementia so he didn't really speak to us very much as he lived in his own world. He was very elderly so when he died It was almost a release for him. Obviously, we were all very upset but there was no shock in a 92yr old passing away. We are quite a pragmatic family, death is one of the only certainties in life. However, when my father died I was bereft. He was diagnosed with stage 4 liver cancer, the result of heavy drinking (armed forces lifestyle) and uncontrolled diabetes. He was diagnosed on the 8th Feb 2018, he asked his doctors if he would see his birthday on 10 March, they told him they didn't know. He deteriorated quite quickly but I knew he wanted to reach his birthday. About 10 days before his birthday he asked me how old he was, I said you are still 75, you've got 10 days left till your birthday. On the day of his birthday he had been heavily sedated with midazolam (to prevent terminal restlessness) but we had a little party for him and gave him cards. I read them all out to him, kissed him and told him he had reached his goal. I got a call from his nurse later that evening telling me she thought he was close to death and if I wanted to be with him I should get there soon. We got there, he watched as we entered his room, he saw that we were all there and he passed away within 20 minutes of us getting there, exactly 76 years after he was born. It has given me much comfort that he reached his goal and that he chose to spend his final moments with us. My dad's death affected me greatly, he was always larger than life and very present in every moment, to lose him was absolutely awful but I know he wanted to go, he was ready. We laughed and cried with him so much in that last month, even though he was quite often not lucid he cracked jokes and tried to make us laugh. I miss him but he's still with me, because I will always feel the love he had for me. I re-live conversations and feelings and moments I had with him so he will always live within me. A lot of my friends and my boyfriend thought I might fall apart when he passed away but as I said before, death is a certainty, there's no getting away from it, if we know love, we know pain and I would rather have had love in my life than never feel pain or grief.

 

[cedarpeach]

I am having a really hard time coming to terms with my parents deaths. I had a difficult and largely distant relationship with them due to them both being alcoholics. Back in mid 2016 my dad was diagnosed with cancer, in early 2017 my mum was hospitalised for months due to her alcoholism, we were then told she was terminally ill, a few months later dad was diagnosed as terminal.

I spent a lot of time looking after my mum as best I could from that point on including moving in with her for months at a time. I remained estranged from my dad due to his abusiveness. Then in 2018 he made contact saying he wanted a fresh start as he was dying. I was willing to meet him half way, I really tried but he was still drinking and kept sending me nasty messages and then acting like nothing happened. He wanted me to go and see him but honestly I was too scared so I didnt until the day before he died. I would not have picked him out in a crowd, he looked nothing like my dad. I spent the whole of his last day with him, holding his hand and talking to him until he peacefully passed away in the evening.

Just a few months later mum died. I was totally shocked as we had been told 3x previously that she was close to passing only for her to improve so for most of that last week I didnt actually think she would die. Much to my regret I even left her one morning to go to the gym, she was sat up laughing and talking and I didn’t think I needed to worry. A few days later she passed and it wasn’t peaceful. She was in pain, distressed and could hardly talk.

After she passed I felt very little. I thought maybe I was coping really well. I’ve since come to realise that it was all too much and I had just gone numb to cope. Since lockdown my grief has hit me like a tidal wave, I have nightmares about their deaths, I feel utter disbelief, I get flashbacks at random times. I feel like I’m at a real low point in my life, since they died I feel so old, I am so unhappy with my life and trying to figure out how to change it. I’m still buried in grief. I feel it’s been a pivotal moment in my life and I’m still trying to make sense of it all. Their deaths haunt me and I just still can not believe they are both gone or that they passed so close together. I am having therapy and have been told I have complex grief, I suffered 2 other bereavements, one a few months before my dad and one a few weeks after that also hit me hard, one I’ve coped well with as it was expected, the other not so much, but it’s mum and dads deaths that I just can’t deal with. It was hard to believe so much happened in such a short time. Now I think about death a lot and it’s huge and it scares me.

My god I’m so sorry. Just want you to know I read every word. Grief was nothing like I expected and I also felt “okay” for a while after my dad died. It came out in unexpected ways and only in hindsight do I realise what a mess I was the year after he died.
What you went through is absolutely harrowing and I’m sending you all my best thoughts and wishes.

 

[Sailorontheseasea]

Have just stumbled across this thread and read every single word of your stories, I sincerely hope all of you find eventual peace in your journeys of grief. Sending love and warmth to you all.

I am lucky enough to have never lost anyone until this year. My grandad passed in February exactly 2 weeks after my little boy was born, it was the most intense and emotional 2 weeks of my life dealing with post partum hormones and awful c-section recovery then sudden grief. He had been terminal with cancer for 6 years then suddenly after Christmas he became seriously unwell and passed at the end of February just 2 days after meeting his youngest great grandson. Seeing him die still haunts me every single day, I get flashbacks of watching him struggle to breathe wearing a mask and then peacefully slipping away. I thank my lucky stars every day we got to be there with him, he wouldn’t have wanted anything more but my goodness, I would do anything to erase that night from my mind. He was the most amazing man, literally thought he was magic and I miss him beyond words every single day even though deep down I knew he wanted to go for a very long time. I think his death affects me more than I let on, my relationship has certainly taken a battering.

An extremely close great Aunt of mine has recently been diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer and has just weeks left. I genuinely thought she was one of those people who would be immortal, at 84 she was still doing yoga and seeing her friends for lunch most days. She won’t let us visit in fear that it will be too hard but the thought of never seeing her again crushes me more than I think I can deal with. She made our childhoods what they were, the most generous and special lady I could ever have hoped to have had in my life. Grief is such a rollercoaster, I find myself grieving her even though she is still with us. Sometimes I’d just really love to get off that rollercoaster though for one second just so I can breathe again. Sending love to you all Xx

 

[LennyBriscoe]

Sending you all lots of love and best wishes for a peaceful day tomorrow and beyond. I plan to do what I have to do to get through the day. I’m going to stay off social media and try not to compare my situation to others. My parents will always be in my thoughts, as will two friends who suddenly and wholly unexpectedly lost their lives this year.

Lots of love to you all

 

[openbook1]

Me too. It’s the thing I fear the most. Iv had sleepless nights over worrying about it. Xx

Me too. I find night time is the worst. I will lie in bed worrying. This probably sounds weird but sometimes my husband will fall asleep on the sofa and when I wake up and realise he isn't there, I panic that something has happened... a really awful feeling. The thought of losing my mum too fills me with absolute terror. At least we aren't alone in our worries. It isn't spoken about enough. xx

 

[Lollipop2123]

Sending love to everyone. It's so hard. I've thought about my nan today whilst cooking Sunday dinner. I was with her when she died and constantly feel her near and yet really far too if that makes sense. X

 

[PumpkinKing]

It's 2 years today since my younger sister took her own life and I just need somewhere to dump my feelings.
I'm struggling today but at the same time I still don't feel like I've fully accepted it. It was such a big shock etc that I still can't comprehend how I'll never see her beautiful face and smile. There's still a bit of anger, how could she leave us, my dad's a broken man. I so wanted to live my life for her and tackle my own depression but the opposite has happened. I'm an unhappy mess and I'll never be the same person.
Sorry for my slight rambling, I've had a few much needed drinks.

 

[tagliatelle]

I lost my brother when I was 14, he was 23. It was unexpected, he was killed by a car. I closed myself off for a good few months, stayed in my room while family gathered downstairs most nights all together. One thing that has shocked me is that I very rarely cry over him. I’ve felt so abnormal about that. You always imagine you’ll be in tears all the time but I just wasn’t. It’s been 12 years now. The pain I feel is indescribable but I don’t ever show it to anyone or even myself really. I’m a very private person and I don’t like to show emotion to even family. Time has helped massively and instead of thinking of his death and what happened, I now only ever think of the things we did together, those precious memories I have forever. I have to hope that I will see him again one day

My sister died by suicide almost five years ago. She was 22yo, I was in my mid-twenties and I was at home with my 12yo brother when it happened. My Dad and now husband found her in her bedroom. It was horrendous. It still haunts me. I hope I can get to where you are one day. When I think of her, all I can think about are the circumstances. It’s like I’ve lost another part of her because she is so defined by her death in my head. I’m the same, though - rarely cry, etc- I just feel resentful at how it has altered our family dynamics forever. Nothing is ever “good enough” for my parents because she’s not here, and that’s hard to accept.

 

[Welsh1]

I'd say I've always had an issue around death. Ive only ever lost my nan and grandad, my grandad died of dementia so seeing him deteriorate was extremely difficult, when he passed I threw all of my efforts in to comforting my nan, we had always been extremely close. She would ring me every day after work to see how my day had been, would tell me every day how proud of me she was and we used to go for little lunches out every week which was the highlight of my week. She was then admitted to hospital with a sickness bug, came home and purposely gave up, stopped eating and drinking because she said she wanted to be with my grandad. It was torture to sit with her every day knowing she was giving up like that but also made me feel slightly peaceful that she wanted to go and be with him. I sat with her every day and most nights until she went. I still talk to her photo every day and visit their grave every week without fail. I often wonder how I will ever cope if I lose my parents, the thought absolutely terrifies me as I am so so close to them.

 

[Bingewatcher92]

I lost my fiancé (28) 17 months ago to suicide. I don’t think I’ll ever be the same again he was my world. It was 13 weeks before our wedding day.

 

[littlepup]

Something amazing to come out of this was after losing his dad my partner realised that he wanted a child and a family of his own, he was always adamant that children weren’t on the agenda for him despite being an amazing step dad to my young son. After many months of trying, I am now pregnant and our baby is due the day after his dads birthday in May 2021. I truly believe this baby is a gift from heaven and will be watched over by it’s grandad. I’m a huge believe in things like that.

I’m due my first child (I’m quite mature) a year and two days to the day my dad passed. It’s also a week before his birthday.
I’d have conceived a few days before my Mum’s Bday. They weren’t together but the best of friends. I like to think it was a gift to us both.

The words to Death is nothing at all Help me. It’s what I believe I suppose.

If there’s one thing I could say to people is to remember your person lived rather than that they died. Try to remember the birthdays they were there for, how you celebrated and your happiness rather, not that they won’t be there for then next and so on. When I think of all the things my dad will miss it’s overwhelming, uncontrollable, consuming grief. I have to force myself fo think instead of the things he was around for with happiness and it helps me to breath again.

 

[GiftedNotFree]

I lost my sister to suicide 3 weeks ago, she was 31. It seems more of a tragic mistake rather than anything planned, she was high on cannabis when she did it and we think she had a psychotic episode. I don’t have the energy to do anything much today, I love and miss her so much But I also resent the hell out of her right now. We should’ve grown old together and had so many more amazing experiences together. I feel like there’s such a massive part of me missing, and I will never be truly happy again

My deepest condolences to you. I hope you’re doing ok. I wanted to share my experience, it has some similarities. I lost a sibling 2.5 years ago unexpectedly (self inflicted, accidental) and to this day it still feels like I have lost a limb. My physical body feels different from the grief. When it first happened, it was raw, gutting all consuming agony. Now, there’s still a lot of pain and resentment on the bad days. But generally, in time, I’ve felt less angry at them and have been able to remember the good times.

I’ve never believed in an afterlife or god, but thinking about seeing them again in some space or time brings me a peace I never thought was possible again.

 

[noseybirdxo]

It’s coming up to two years since I lost my Dad. 2 years ago this month and I just feel like I’m replaying the whole month on loop, remembering all the things that happened from him telling me he wasn’t sick and it wasn’t cancer and whatever was making him poorly would be treatable, to him just gradually getting worse, to him collapsing at home and then me having to call an ambulance for him and going from taking him to hospital not knowing anything to find out he had cancer and dying basically an hour and a half after finding that out. It’s tough and i’m not sure I’m okay deep down, but this month is so busy for me that i’m just like idk, overwhelmed? can sense myself breaking down.

Sometimes I dream about my Dad and more often than not it’s that I dream that he comes back to life, that he’s alive after all this time and every time I say “but i thought you died” and he hasn’t and it plays on my mind in these dreams, if that makes sense. I’ve never told anyone that.

 

[Dwightschrute]

My mum passed away 2 weeks ago tomorrow. She was only 53 and I am 26. We were as close as you could possibly be.
She was diagnosed with cancer last year but told she got the all clear this January. During lockdown she went for a routine scan and found it had come back. That was in May and things went downhill rapidly.

I miss her so much already. I can’t imagine my life without her and knowing she won’t be there at my wedding or when I have kids is crippling me.
I have waves of feeling okay but then I get hit by intense and overwhelming grief.

Any advice or help would be greatly appreciated from those of you who have gone through similar.

Love to everyone going through tough times.

 

[Allthevest20]

This. I lost my Mum in 2017 (I was late 20s) And with her I also got made to leave our family home of 21 years (OH so considerate housing association there) so I have anxiety every single day that I'll lose my job and therefore my home again. Never had a dad to lose as it were but he's also not here anymore.
I just about have my grandparents - both very elderly. Ones in a home and the other is struggling immensely and its hard seeing them like this. Not knowing who I am. Who my Mum was when that was their daughter. Covid means I've not been able to see Nan since March and daren't visit Grandad too often incase I pass something over.

I still don't feel I grieved properly over Mum. I feel I handled it too well? I had to go back to work after 5 weeks as couldn't afford not to and had to focus on emptying a house and moving. I grieved ALOT when she was diagnosed so maybe it was just backwards. I tried bereavement counselling but I didn't get what it was supposed to achieve as I talk about her fairly openly without breaking down.

Did have a tear seeing my Nan in a photo earlier mind. She's just a shell now and it's not fair I can't visit (one visitor only and must be the same person each time...)

But it's just me now basically. I can't go "home" or even to my Grandparents anymore. It's a scary as hell feeling (only in 30s now)

Well I bloody jinxed this didn't I. Nan passed away today so the family unit gets smaller and smaller

 

[square_spoon]

It's the one thing I wish us as humans had evolved to deal with better. I lost both my parents pretty close together a few years ago and I don't think I'll ever be the same but it has eased over time and there are more good memories than grief for me now. If anyone is interested I found visiting a Death Cafe really helped (there's more information on them here) as none of my friends could understand what I'd been through and it was so comforting to be surrounded by people who each had a story.

I read a lovely quote that there are only two days in our entire lives that will be less than 24 hours for us, one is the day we're born and the other is the day we die. I try to look at death as a closure of a life well lived, as opposed to something to dread. Sometimes it works.

 

[CynicalV]

I also lost my grandad so definitely understand and feel much love and sympathy towards you. I'm sorry and I know how difficult it can be. He was my father figure as I did not have a present biological dad, and I lived with my mum and my grandparents together until I was about 8 or 9. Then I saw them almost every day without fail. We took lots of holidays together and have many funny memories. He had lots of grandkids and great grandkids but he always said I was his favourite and we got along so well. He always helped me with school work, taught me how to tie my shoe laces, ride a bike, do puzzles, gave me advice etc. We always did a weekly crossword together.

It was about 2017 when he started having breathing difficulties and no matter how much he tried to hide it it got much worse and he slowly deteriorated. Watching that progress was the most horrendous thing, as there was absolutely nothing we could do. We couldn't do the crossword anymore, couldn't watch our Sunday tv and trash talk about how much we hated certain presenters. He could no longer leave the house and could not breathe without 24/7 oxygen. A few falls and hospital stays. I don't like going too much into detail.
On his final day he insisted he wanted to go and visit one of his daughters for the afternoon. So we took him and he struggled the whole time and was ill. He was taken to hospital after collapsing back home and passed in the middle of that night. My grandmother, mum, and his other daughters were there. I had to stay at the house with my younger brother asleep and waited up alone from about 12.30am to 8am when they came back from the hospital. I spent those hours praying to a god that I don't even believe in. It was the single most horrific experience I could imagine. When they turned up I ran to the front door, but he wasn't in the car. I broke down and I haven't been the same since. Every day I leave my grandparents I give them a kiss and a hug, but on that day I felt a bit of a cold coming on, and as he was immunocompromised, I said Oh I best not give you a kiss or get too close as I don't want you to catch anything. So I never gave him a kiss or a hug goodbye. And I wasn't there when he went. And I don't think I will ever, ever get over that. I know he would find it silly and not care, but it kills me every day. I could have just given him that hug and kiss one last time.
I've never spoken to anyone about it because I can't talk about him to my family. The entire family took it hard, my mother especially too, but everyone copes in different ways. My grandma is mostly relieved as she saw him the most at his worst and knew how much he wanted everything to be over. But I can't join in on the jokes and happy reminiscing just yet, because I feel so tortured by it all. I have dreams every now and then where I can see him and I'm trying to get to him but I just can't. I sit and cry nearly every night alone so I don't make anyone else worry. I miss him and I just want to see him do his silly dances and impressions again. But I have to remind myself that that is not who he was at the end. He was happy to go and wanted to stop being in pain after suffering so much for so long.

He would hate to see me upset, and I think we all need to remember how proud they would be of all of us. Our grandads watched us grow up and want us to lead our best lives. I hope there is some comfort in that, although it was so traumatic and sudden, it was relatively short and less painful and arduous for your grandad to go through. They made their memories and left us with their wisdom and love and we can carry that on forward. We miss them every day but we didn't lose them completely. Sending lots of love to everyone who has suffered loss.

 

[Drea1984]

Lost my mum last year. I honestly feel I’ll never be the same. When you have a mum you always have somewhere to go and someone who loves you (hopefully)

 

[Gembo]

I lost my dad a long time ago now 29 years it was totally unexpected he just had a massive heart attack in front of me and my mum and he was gone, will never forget how brutal it was but quick. I,ve always been exceptionally close to my mum, I,m married , happily I might add but I loved my mum so much. I was adopted as a child and they gave me the best life that they could and I’ll never forget that. Anyway fast forward to 2013 and my mum had been diagnosed with breast cancer for almost 5 years. We knew after 6 months that it was secondary so we knew that time was limited but we had a few good years and gradually she started to fail probably in the March onwards. I knew that we were getting close to the end and like some people on here emotionally I found it difficult to cope. In the August she was rushed into hospital as she couldn’t get out of bed one morning and after tests and a couple of weeks stay they let her go home to die. I took the time off work and left Hubble and my dogs to their own devices and moved back to my childhood home to look after her and be with her until the very end. Must admit there were some very tough times as cancer is a bastard and she was in so much pain and she begged me to help her end things twice and those conversations were hard as she was in so much pain she said a couple of times “if you loved me enough you would help me” but deep down I think she was just desperate at that time as other days we would talk for hours ! So it went on for almost 8 weeks and I had help from Macmillan and eventually a few nights sleep as Marie Curie sent a wonderful nurse over to sit with my mum, and then on Oct 2nd just after midnight I held her hand as she slipped peacefully away and truth be known part of me died with her. I,ve never been the same person that I was when she was here and don,t think I ever will be again. I used to imagine how empty my life would be without her and sadly now that it’s happened it’s become a reality.

I just want to send you the biggest hug. I know there are no words I can say that will make even the smallest amount of difference but I just wish you peace and happiness and I am so sorry for your losses. Thank you for sharing xx