Dealing with Death

[HoGi]

Recently got back from visiting some of my other half's family. His dad is so rude, always has to be right and never has a good word to say about anything or anyone. He is generally a horrible person and noone enjoys his company.

I have been so sad the past few days as all I keep thinking is why is he alive making everyone around him miserable when my wonderful, amazing, funniest, most caring, loving dad is dead. My dad bought joy to people and was taken far too soon first by dementia then in death and it is so so cruel.

It is his birthday on Wednesday and I just want to give him a hug and hear him say I love you once more.

 

[Gembo]

My god I’m so sorry. Just want you to know I read every word. Grief was nothing like I expected and I also felt “okay” for a while after my dad died. It came out in unexpected ways and only in hindsight do I realise what a mess I was the year after he died.
What you went through is absolutely harrowing and I’m sending you all my best thoughts and wishes.

Thank you, I do really appreciate that. I hope your grief is getting easier now xxx

 

[Tinkerbell cat]

I can’t stop crying

I am so unbelievably sorry to read this, you poor thing. I can't imagine how I would feel if that were my partner. Hopefully your partner is somewhere now at peace and free from any pain he may have been going through. Our minds can be scary places at times. Sending you so many virtual hugs. I hope that one day you find some peace lovely xo

 

[Dwightschrute]

Thank you. Sorry, I haven’t known how to respond. I think I probably do have some PTSD - I panic when I see ambulances on blue lights, ffs. I’ve always focused on others so it’s hard to switch to myself.

I think it does sound likely you have some sort of PTSD. Someone very close to me had PTSD after seeing their husband die and I would really recommend seeing a therapist or similar soon as it can just build up and get very bad over time. Lots of love to you

 

[ChickenLicking]

I am so sorry to read this ChickenLicking You will be in shock just now. I lost my husband 6 years ago this month and more recently my best friend. What I can say is that it does get easier day by day. You don't get over it but you do learn to live with it. Please take all the support that is offered to you, people do not mind and want to help. There will be a lot to navigate over the coming weeks and months but you will get through it. Just take it minute by minute and don't make any life changing decisions in the early days.

Sending you and your son strength and love x

Thank you for your kind words, I am indeed still in shock and keep expecting to see him around the house. I am finding the paperwork routine is really helping though x

 

[EvieBaby]

Randomly came across this thread.
My Dad was a seemingly fit and healthy 82yr old in April this year. Then in May he had some leg swelling, followed by abdomen swelling. Cut a long story short, he had a CT scan in June and died in July.
The CT scan showed stomach cancer that had spread everywhere. He literally had barely any symptoms before the leg swelling. Maybe a little weight loss but that’s it.
We cared for him at home. On the morning of the day he died, I spoke to hospice team via a telephone consult and she arranged some medications and for a bed etc to come to the house a few days later.
The night he died, I was helping him to the loo and he literally just looked at me and stopped breathing. It was traumatic for us but very quick for him.
I wasn’t sure whether to go and see him at the chapel of rest but needed to as my last memory of him was quite traumatic in some ways. I’m glad I did as he looked just like him (to a degree) and so at peace. It’s a very personal choice but the right one for me.
I cried my eyes out the night he passed but haven’t cried at all since and I don’t know why.
I miss him beyond words, I think about him all the time and talk to him constantly.
I think in my head I’m lagging behind real time- it’s almost as though I’m still dealing with the news he is terminally ill and has limited time left, let alone the fact he’s now gone.
Maybe I’m numb? Maybe I won’t cry?
I’m functioning, working etc. But there’s just part of me that’s empty.
I think I’ll try bereavement counselling.
I was the one that dealt with all the drs phone calls, visits etc. All his funeral arrangements and bits and bobs like death registration so maybe I’m still on auto pilot.
All I know is I miss him but not just miss him, I long for him to be back with us. It’s so shit.
We kept his ashes and have them in the lounge at home. There’s such a calmness when I sit with him. I find comfort in that.
Sorry it’s a long post guys x

I can totally relate to this. I dealt with a very similar type death alone with a close family member in 2017 and I can honestly say I've felt behind and not myself ever since. I've always thought I'll feel better by myself but it's not working, so I have my first counselling session on Monday. I can't recommend it yet but I'd definitely say give it a try and don't leave it as long as me because it hasn't done me any good xxx

 

[nurseren]

I became very blank about death after losing both parents in my 20s. Granted only gave a shit about 1 of them. My Mum always believed your time was up when it's up which dis somewhat help me, and also knowing she would have hated me moping. I grieved of course but I think I grieved more at her original cancer diagnosis, I was very numb when she did die as it happened super fast. I was glad for her that she didn't have to suffer long but also angry initially that she had "left me". I lost both Grandparents within 4 months (Mums parents) late 2020/21 too. Left with 2 relatives I'm not close to but it is what it is.

I realised that for my own MH I had to accept it, and keep going with my life because I didn't want to be angry or sad about something I physically couldn't change. I do sometimes have guilt creep in that I don't feel "sad" anymore but I also know they wouldn't want me to.

Sending love to everyone struggling and I hope you find peace somehow

I agree with your post; losing my daughter was hard. So fucking hard. Losing my Papa hurts but I can handle it. I can function, I can go out, I can eat. When I lost my daughter, I felt for weeks that I had died with her.

 

[CherryAcid]

They could be looking to get the debt written off by the credit card company. Im guessing it a large amount due for them to go to all this bother?

Yea I think that is what they are hoping for. It is fairly large but even if it was 500 they would still do the same tbh.

 

[PumpkinKing]

That’s absolutely heartbreaking. 24 years old is just so young. My nephew is almost that age and I can’t even contemplate the pain. Keep going to therapy (it really does help) and be kind to yourself, taking each day as it comes. I doubt it will ever make sense to you and you will always feel a range of emotions that you can’t even understand, but I guarantee her pain is over now and she’d want you to live the way she clearly couldn’t. My heart breaks for you. Sending big love too

Thank you, that really means a lot. Being kind to myself is something I've always struggled with but I am trying.

 

[IsabellaT]

It’s so hard but try not to feel like that. Your sister wouldn’t want you to be feeling that way. You need to live your life in honour of her because it’s what she want. No words will stop your pain though, I remember when I lost my sister and people would say it’ll get better in time but the pains there, you just adjust and I try to live my life knowing it’s what she would want. Sending you lots of hugs xo

Thank you x

 

[101d]

My grandad is dying. It's not a shock, he is super old and frail. He has always been in my life but we never had a close relationship. Obviously my dad (his son) is very down. It's a difficult one to navigate.

 

[IsabellaT]

I have a lost a sister to cancer so in some ways I understand how you feel but in so many ways I truly don't, I can't imagine how it must feel for you losing your twin sister. I have a little brother and sister who are twins and I see the bond they have so I can only but imagine how close you pair were. x

I feel like part of myself is missing 99% of the time and then that 1% of time when I don’t feel like that I end up feeling guilty for not feeling that. We were always together, even when she was sick, we still found ways to be together. I should have been able to save her and I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself for not.

 

[Belle83]

My gosh I am so sorry, what an awful lot to be dealing with. I’m really glad that you have your dads ashes in the lounge and that brings you comfort, I did the same with my parents and it helped a lot. Grief is often nothing like we expect it to be. I think everything you’ve said is right, it’s a lot to process so your brain is on a bit of a delay and when you have to deal with everything it does make you go into autopilot. Don’t put any pressure or expectations upon how you feel, the feelings will come and go and vary in intensity. There’s no right or wrong and we don’t really get much say in it. After my mum died I was relatively ok & felt guilty for it, then around the year anniversary the grief just hit me and I grieved then how I felt I should have and expect to when she actually died. It sounds so cliche but really just be kind and gentle with yourself xx

Thank you xxx

 

[thunderfook]

Currently sat crying reading this thread. I've lost all grandparents, various other family members and several friends who all died before 18, but none come close to losing my younger sister to suicide 18 months ago. She had just turned 24 and the last time I saw her was my birthday 3 weeks earlier, she was so happy and we danced till the early hours. Part of me died with her, im not the same person. There's so many emotions including anger which then makes me feel awful but I'm having therapy now which is helping a tiny bit but I'm still in denial. I just hope she's at peace now.
Sending love to everyone

That’s absolutely heartbreaking. 24 years old is just so young. My nephew is almost that age and I can’t even contemplate the pain. Keep going to therapy (it really does help) and be kind to yourself, taking each day as it comes. I doubt it will ever make sense to you and you will always feel a range of emotions that you can’t even understand, but I guarantee her pain is over now and she’d want you to live the way she clearly couldn’t. My heart breaks for you. Sending big love too

 

[tagliatelle]

You absolutely DID NOT fail. Please don’t look at it that way. Like I said earlier, she clearly wanted to do this. As hard as that is to comprehend, you can’t talk or coax someone out of something if they are determined to make it happen. You might succeed once, but that won’t stop them trying again. So, your family are absolutely not the right people for you to talk to. Even more reason that you need to try and get some counselling, where you can talk open and honestly about your fears, regrets, anger and sadness to a person who has no vested interest other than your welfare. The ‘fallen angel’ narrative is so frustrating I know. I adored my father and he was a good man, but by God did he also have faults, like we all do. It’s important that you remember all sides of a person, so that you don’t continue to see everyone as a suicide risk. We are all infallible and can only do so much to support others, but you need some self love right now and to focus on getting some support for you. You could very well have PTSD yourself. It’s a lot more common than people realise. Let your family get on with it for now. You need to focus on you. No one can help others if they are struggling themselves.

Thank you. Sorry, I haven’t known how to respond. I think I probably do have some PTSD - I panic when I see ambulances on blue lights, ffs. I’ve always focused on others so it’s hard to switch to myself.

 

[lozzapaloozza]

Yesterday was the anniversary of my mum’s death. It’s a long time since she passed but I miss her and need her now more than ever. Sending you love @lozzapaloozza

I hope you managed to get through the day okay and had lots of happy memories to look back on and celebrate her life. Sending love to you too

Hi everyone,
My husband's dad died recently. I bought him this book and it is meant to be excellent https://www.waterstones.com/book/its-ok-that-youre-not-ok/megan-devine/9781622039074

Thank you for the recommendation

 

[CherryAcid]

This might be venty so I apologise in advance. I lost my mum suddenly at the end of november and honestly I have been so busy sorting out finances I havent even had time to think about her really being gone.
She was terrible with money all her life, had undiagnosed mental health issues, would give someone her last tenner and then not pay bills, always in debt. Luckily she left my dad's name off most things and had no estate but we are still trying to figure stuff out and wait for bills to come through.
There is also massive family drama as she managed my nanna's accounts and didnt pay off a credit card for her so its accumilated lots of interest over the years. My uncle and nanna are denying the interest and saying mum spent it all. My mum was bedbound for many years and never spent a penny on herself. Nanna has massive issues with memory and has denied having a credit card but is now saying she did and gave mum money to pay it off. For context my nanna has a lot of money, she has thousands stashed around the house and the last time her house was evaluated in the late 90s it was worth 350k. So her and my uncle are saying they never trusted her with money yet my uncle never stepped in to actually manage my nannas accounts himself. Anyway they have now reported my dead mother to the police for fraud.

 

[thunderfook]

Rationally I know you’re right, but irrationally I worry everyone else will also die by suicide. This is also why I find “suicide prevention” campaigns... weird. My family is quite well-known locally because of the circumstances surrounding my sister’s death and my parents have done a few informational videos and I always think we’re the wrong people to ask. Our family member died, we “failed”. Don’t ask us about how to help people!

I’m the eldest. My Dad can’t talk about it (PTSD) and my Mum just sobs, and I can’t deal with her grief as well as my own. I try and talk about her, but the rest of my eider family have basically beatified her since death - we’re not allowed to mention any of her flaws, and I find it hard.

You absolutely DID NOT fail. Please don’t look at it that way. Like I said earlier, she clearly wanted to do this. As hard as that is to comprehend, you can’t talk or coax someone out of something if they are determined to make it happen. You might succeed once, but that won’t stop them trying again. So, your family are absolutely not the right people for you to talk to. Even more reason that you need to try and get some counselling, where you can talk open and honestly about your fears, regrets, anger and sadness to a person who has no vested interest other than your welfare. The ‘fallen angel’ narrative is so frustrating I know. I adored my father and he was a good man, but by God did he also have faults, like we all do. It’s important that you remember all sides of a person, so that you don’t continue to see everyone as a suicide risk. We are all infallible and can only do so much to support others, but you need some self love right now and to focus on getting some support for you. You could very well have PTSD yourself. It’s a lot more common than people realise. Let your family get on with it for now. You need to focus on you. No one can help others if they are struggling themselves.

 

[tagliatelle]

Currently sat crying reading this thread. I've lost all grandparents, various other family members and several friends who all died before 18, but none come close to losing my younger sister to suicide 18 months ago. She had just turned 24 and the last time I saw her was my birthday 3 weeks earlier, she was so happy and we danced till the early hours. Part of me died with her, im not the same person. There's so many emotions including anger which then makes me feel awful but I'm having therapy now which is helping a tiny bit but I'm still in denial. I just hope she's at peace now.
Sending love to everyone

My sister was 22. She, too, was “happy” and seemingly making plans for the future. I feel angry, too, sometimes because of the way it’s changed our family dynamics - including my relationship with my parents. I always hope she didn’t feel too much pain.

 

[CherryAcid]

OMG that is awful! It sounds like your mum wasn't capable of managing her own finances and may have been taken advantage of re the credit card. I would speak to Citizens Advice and a lawyer.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mum. I found when I lost my husband and more recently my best friend, it was the aftermath that caused the most pain.

Sending you strength x
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WAY is for anyone 51 and under and has thousands of members. I found it helpful to read other peoples stories and realising I wasn't alone.

Well legally they cant go after my dad, he lives in a rented house, no car, on disability benefits and has no savings. His name isnt on any documentation for my nanna anyway. Honestly not sure what they think they are going to achieve except sever our relationship with them.