Dealing with Death

[Sugarbee123]

I lost my nanny (great grandma) when I was 21, that was the first person I’d lost, my other great grandma died when I was younger so that didn’t really effect me. Losing my nanny was a lot harder to deal with than I thought it would be, she was on palliative care so I knew she was dying, the last two weeks I went to see her every day and every day I went to the hospital I thought god she couldn’t look any worse than this but she would always look worse the next day, I think seeing her slowly die every day really hit me hard she kept saying ‘I’m so afraid’ and it broke my heart but when she died I did feel relieved because she wasn’t in pain anymore. My step dad committed suicide last November and im not even slightly over that, when I think of my nanny I think of the happy times we spent together when I think my of stepdad I get a physical pain across my chest and I feel like the wind has been knocked out of me and it hits me all over again that morning I got the call from my mum saying ‘he’s dead, he’s dead’ I hung up the phone and waited outside from my husband to come back from walking the dogs and I honestly felt the world had stopped I still feel all those feelings and hear those words, I miss him so much I still cry when I talk about him I think about him all the time, sometimes I do think about the happy times but most of the time the only way I can describe it is like a dark fog that comes in my head and I don’t know if it’s because it’s obviously not a natural way to die and so tragic and dark I don’t know. I just miss him so much I wish I could have helped him aaaannnd now I’m angry at myself for reading this thread when I’ve just applied my fake tan

 

[Gembo]

I lost my fiancé (28) 17 months ago to suicide. I don’t think I’ll ever be the same again he was my world. It was 13 weeks before our wedding day.

I am so sorry for your loss, there are no adequate words to offer you. I hope you are surrounded by supportive and loving people x

 

[Gembo]

I lost my sister to suicide 3 weeks ago, she was 31. It seems more of a tragic mistake rather than anything planned, she was high on cannabis when she did it and we think she had a psychotic episode. I don’t have the energy to do anything much today, I love and miss her so much But I also resent the hell out of her right now. We should’ve grown old together and had so many more amazing experiences together. I feel like there’s such a massive part of me missing, and I will never be truly happy again

I am so sorry for your loss, I don’t even know what to say to you, I hope you are being gentle with yourself and have support around you xx

 

[PumpkinKing]

Oh you poor thing. Two years is nothing. It is no surprise you are still so sad and bewildered by it all
No you won't be the same person, grief makes everything different and strange. It changes everything. I would imagine especially with your traumatic circumstances.
Your dad must rely on you a lot - which I'm sure has it's own pleasures and pain.
I hope you can get through today relatively OK, and that you have someone to help you and take care of you. x

Thank you, it means a lot. We've been for a meal and my dad is having my youngest kids, he says it gets him through it having them there. Will just be me home later so plan on trying to take my mind off it as much as I can with tv and tattle

 

[chorizorice]

I hadn’t experienced any death until September 2020 when a close friend of mine died from an overdose. I can’t even write his name because it would make me cry more... he was 23 and we had been friends since we were 15. I don’t have many friends from school that I stayed close to after it ended. 4 weeks after he died to the day another close friend died from again an accidental overdose. He was my best friends boyfriend. Before he died the last message he sent me was ‘I hope everything is making sense in your life’.
I’m so messed up and they died so close together in time that the last however many months are just a blur. I am terrified for anyone else close to me to die. This thread has made me cry and cry

 

[Abongo]

Oh @Abongo, I cried reading your post. I can feel your pain. I’m so, so sorry. It sounds like an absolutely devastating loss for you all. Grief is so complicated and unique —it’s difficult sometimes to really make peace with how you’re feeling, as your emotions are all over the place. I hope things get better for you and the 1 year anniversary isn’t too bad

Thank you so much for replying.
It’s just so hard and I know I’m not the only one grieving, but it doesn’t make it easier if that makes sense.

@LennyBriscoe absolutely. That’s what I feel too.
I hope that’s what it is as we had such a close bond. Everyone in the family always said me and him just clicked and had our own little world. I’ve always adored him and his pic is still my phone screensaver.
I have even messeged him knowing he won’t reply
But it gave me comfort. Just for a second.
Thank you so much. If you’d like to add me on Instagram you most certainly can.

 

[Tinkerbell cat]

I still haven’t grieved properly.

I lost my twin sister just over 2 years ago after a failed bone marrow transplant for leukaemia. She was first diagnosed at 6 and had every treatment under the sun but we thought this might work because I was a perfect match for her. I had someone the other day call me by her name and I was a mess. I went a little (a lot) off the rails when she first died and that’s how I ended up 16 with a baby but I don’t do very well with talking about what happened.

I have a lost a sister to cancer so in some ways I understand how you feel but in so many ways I truly don't, I can't imagine how it must feel for you losing your twin sister. I have a little brother and sister who are twins and I see the bond they have so I can only but imagine how close you pair were. x

Oh gosh I’m the same. My two cats are my world and I think I’d rather die then have them die before me. I can’t imagine when it happens but I know my heart will break. Animals are sometimes closer than humans, they are so unconditional, so pure and you are their world. The only thing that gives me joy is knowing I give them the best lives (and long i hope!!) ever.

I always worry if something were to happen to me and I didn't go home to my cat would she get sad thinking I just left her. I know for alot of people they are just animals but it honestly makes me really upset to think about it.

 

[Dwightschrute]

Im so sorry for your loss I'm 3 years down the road from you (Mum was 59 and me 28) and the first year was very strange. My coping mechanisms were to plan things (which I know this year is harder) and I had things made such as a teddy from her clothing and a ring with some of her ashes which give me huge comfort.

Time doesn't heal per se as you'll never ever forget her. My Mum is on my mind everyday but it does get easier - I put my name on the wait list for cruse just after she died and by time I got an appointment I felt ok (about a year later). The firsts I dread alot but the anticipation of them was worse than the days. I made sure I remembered her in my way and I still do.

You'll still be numb/angry at the moment. Take time for you. Don't bottle anything - you wanna cry, Then you cry. You wanna scream then you scream. Macmillan forum is pretty good as there's a bereaved relatives Group there I found very comforting as we had been members during her diagnosis and treatment journey and then even those people really helped me get though it.

Feel welcome to message or tag me if you need to. Everyone's grief is personal. I felt like I should have been crying everyday and I wasn't but that was just me. I have tears now but it's not as frequent. You will get there and you will make her so so proud x

Thank you so much for taking the time to write this
Your message came just at the right time when I needed it. Your advice is great and I was already thinking of doing both the memory teddy and ring so I think I’ll look into that tomorrow!
Love to you too, it’s nice knowing we’re not alone in this xx

 

[Gloria Roscoe]

I lost my fiancé (28) 17 months ago to suicide. I don’t think I’ll ever be the same again he was my world. It was 13 weeks before our wedding day.

That is awful. I am so sorry to hear that. I can't imagine how devestating that must be. Don't be afraid to open up to people. I imagine you havw a lot of thoughts going through your mind.

I find that you are never the same again after a bereavement, but you can move forward with your life. It isn't easy and takes time but you do eventually look back on memories and smile, when it used to he heartbreaking to even think about the person who passed.

 

[thunderfook]

My sister was 22. She, too, was “happy” and seemingly making plans for the future. I feel angry, too, sometimes because of the way it’s changed our family dynamics - including my relationship with my parents. I always hope she didn’t feel too much pain.

I have absolutely no relationship with my siblings since our father died and although it upsets me, it’s just i dicative of how

I hadn’t experienced any death until September 2020 when a close friend of mine died from an overdose. I can’t even write his name because it would make me cry more... he was 23 and we had been friends since we were 15. I don’t have many friends from school that I stayed close to after it ended. 4 weeks after he died to the day another close friend died from again an accidental overdose. He was my best friends boyfriend. Before he died the last message he sent me was ‘I hope everything is making sense in your life’.
I’m so messed up and they died so close together in time that the last however many months are just a blur. I am terrified for anyone else close to me to die. This thread has made me cry and cry

Absolutely tragic. There is nothing that makes you realise how precious life is than loosing people so young. Reach out to your GP and see if you can have some grief counselling. Don’t try and cope on your own. You can always talk to us on here too. Sending love .

My sister was 22. She, too, was “happy” and seemingly making plans for the future. I feel angry, too, sometimes because of the way it’s changed our family dynamics - including my relationship with my parents. I always hope she didn’t feel too much pain.

Sorry, I keep writing posts when my phone is on low battery and posting them before I’ve finished!

It is extremely rare that a person who commits suicide gives any warning. Most pretend to be fine, happy, moving forward etc. It is these people that don’t want you to know and don’t want to be stopped. Please don’t torture yourself over this. The important thing is she is at peace now and wouldn’t want you to be sad. The pain at the end I suspect is a relief - the ending of the pain that they just can’t live with anymore.

Are you close to your parents? Are you the youngest, eldest? Can you talk to them about it? I sound like a broken record, but talking about your grief when you are ready is really important. And we are here too. My heart breaks for you. Such young and beautiful lives lost really are a tragedy.

 

[tagliatelle]

You absolutely DID NOT fail. Please don’t look at it that way. Like I said earlier, she clearly wanted to do this. As hard as that is to comprehend, you can’t talk or coax someone out of something if they are determined to make it happen. You might succeed once, but that won’t stop them trying again. So, your family are absolutely not the right people for you to talk to. Even more reason that you need to try and get some counselling, where you can talk open and honestly about your fears, regrets, anger and sadness to a person who has no vested interest other than your welfare. The ‘fallen angel’ narrative is so frustrating I know. I adored my father and he was a good man, but by God did he also have faults, like we all do. It’s important that you remember all sides of a person, so that you don’t continue to see everyone as a suicide risk. We are all infallible and can only do so much to support others, but you need some self love right now and to focus on getting some support for you. You could very well have PTSD yourself. It’s a lot more common than people realise. Let your family get on with it for now. You need to focus on you. No one can help others if they are struggling themselves.

I just logged into Tattle and saw someone had reacted to my post, which led me back to your reply.

I can’t remember if I ever did reply, but this was so kind, compassionate and helpful - thank you. I still struggle with all the same things but I think about your post and remember that my reactions are normal and that, even though others have posthumously beatified her, my sister was flawed, which really helps me to deal with the resentment I have towards my parents.

 

[MacPishFlaps]

Thank you for your kind words, I am indeed still in shock and keep expecting to see him around the house. I am finding the paperwork routine is really helping though x

I totally get this. I found it quite therapeutic and gave me something to focus on. I am not sure what age you are but I found WAY (widowed and young) really usefuI just read over their website on days I was struggling but l think they have a closed FB group you can join.

Eta: please make sure you apply for your bereavement support payment https://www.gov.uk/bereavement-support-payment

 

[MacPishFlaps]

Hi, I know that this is an old thread but I am a regular user and didn't want to venture over to Mumsnet. My husband, whom I met when I was 24 and he 39 died suddenly this afternoon. He was 63. We have an autistic 16 year old son.

I am so sorry to read this ChickenLicking You will be in shock just now. I lost my husband 6 years ago this month and more recently my best friend. What I can say is that it does get easier day by day. You don't get over it but you do learn to live with it. Please take all the support that is offered to you, people do not mind and want to help. There will be a lot to navigate over the coming weeks and months but you will get through it. Just take it minute by minute and don't make any life changing decisions in the early days.

Sending you and your son strength and love x

 

[openbook1]

Same with mum. I’ve broken down at the thought of it in the past. I also get upset at the thought of me dying before mum, and how she would cope without me. Death happens to us all it’s one thing in life that’s guaranteed but I don’t think it makes it any less scary.

One thing that doesn’t scare me though is what actually happens when you die. I appreciate others thoughts and religious takes on it but in my mind we die and we go to rest.

That is what I think too.

 

[LennyBriscoe]

I lost my uncle to covid last year. He was only 51. It has torn my family apart. He was the loveliest, funniest most genuine man I’ve ever met.
He had so much bad luck and we always used to say “your day will come it’s all going to be worth while” I held on to “things will be alright in the end and if it’s not alright it’s not the end” mentality for him. Long story short he died within the space of 10 days.
My nana, his mum, has never recovered. My dad, his brother, is going out of control and I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t go one day without thinking about him and how he should still be here. He never got his happy ending and that will never leave me.
All my nana wanted for him was to have a happy ending and instead he just died. It’s almost a year and the pain is too much.
I can’t grieve to my family as I feel they have more grieving rights than me. I’m really struggling with this.

Abongo, I could cry for you. Things are still so raw - I don’t think a year when it comes to a sudden death is like a normal year. Your Uncle sounds like a lovely man who deserved his happy ending.

It’s so hard to know what to do when you’re grieving yourself and seeing those who are normally so strong broken. I don’t have any answers I’m afraid but I’m sure your Dad and Nana will benefit from opportunities to talk about him. There’s bound to be some anger too, why was he taken and so suddenly. There are good apps and websites too if you feel more professional help is needed, for any of you.

This time of year is the absolute worst when you’re feeling low. Take it one day at a time and don’t put yourself under pressure to do anything. Maybe if your Dad and Nana feel up to it you can go somewhere special to you all on Christmas Day and put some flowers or something down.

I love your posts, I totally get your sense of humour! I use Tattle as an escape from stuff and to switch off from everything else and your posts definitely help that. Sending you and your family lots of love

 

[openbook1]

Hi everyone,
My husband's dad died recently. I bought him this book and it is meant to be excellent https://www.waterstones.com/book/its-ok-that-youre-not-ok/megan-devine/9781622039074

 

[HoGi]

First of all I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mum last September and I am not okay.

One of the only reassuring thoughts I have is something my boyfriend said to me the day she passed away. Which was ‘at least you had 26 years of having the best, most loving mum ever. Some people have 90+ years of a bad parent with a hard relationship’. It’s not much comfort I know but honestly I’d pick my short time I had with my wonderful mum than a lifetime with a bad one.

Thank you. I needed that

 

[Itsmedoctortea]

Sending love to you all
Both my grandparents on my dads side had passed before i was born so i never got to meet them.
I lost both my brother and granda within a month of each other when i was 9.
I lost my best friend when i was 16.
I lost my granny when i was 21
I've lost numerous aunts and uncles over the years (my dads side big family)
We lost my husband's brother in 2018
Our 14year old dog in 2019

Gone from our sight,
but never our memories.
Gone from our touch,
but never our hearts.

 

[openbook1]

Have just stumbled across this thread and read every single word of your stories, I sincerely hope all of you find eventual peace in your journeys of grief. Sending love and warmth to you all.

I am lucky enough to have never lost anyone until this year. My grandad passed in February exactly 2 weeks after my little boy was born, it was the most intense and emotional 2 weeks of my life dealing with post partum hormones and awful c-section recovery then sudden grief. He had been terminal with cancer for 6 years then suddenly after Christmas he became seriously unwell and passed at the end of February just 2 days after meeting his youngest great grandson. Seeing him die still haunts me every single day, I get flashbacks of watching him struggle to breathe wearing a mask and then peacefully slipping away. I thank my lucky stars every day we got to be there with him, he wouldn’t have wanted anything more but my goodness, I would do anything to erase that night from my mind. He was the most amazing man, literally thought he was magic and I miss him beyond words every single day even though deep down I knew he wanted to go for a very long time. I think his death affects me more than I let on, my relationship has certainly taken a battering.

An extremely close great Aunt of mine has recently been diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer and has just weeks left. I genuinely thought she was one of those people who would be immortal, at 84 she was still doing yoga and seeing her friends for lunch most days. She won’t let us visit in fear that it will be too hard but the thought of never seeing her again crushes me more than I think I can deal with. She made our childhoods what they were, the most generous and special lady I could ever have hoped to have had in my life. Grief is such a rollercoaster, I find myself grieving her even though she is still with us. Sometimes I’d just really love to get off that rollercoaster though for one second just so I can breathe again. Sending love to you all Xx

I'm sorry for your loss of your grandad and that your aunt is sick. My grandad died from pancreatic cancer a few years back, 8 weeks after diagnosis. One of my aunts this year died after also battling PC for 2 years. It is such an awful disease and so underfunded in terms of research and treatment.

 

[HoGi]

Recently got back from visiting some of my other half's family. His dad is so rude, always has to be right and never has a good word to say about anything or anyone. He is generally a horrible person and noone enjoys his company.

I have been so sad the past few days as all I keep thinking is why is he alive making everyone around him miserable when my wonderful, amazing, funniest, most caring, loving dad is dead. My dad bought joy to people and was taken far too soon first by dementia then in death and it is so so cruel.

It is his birthday on Wednesday and I just want to give him a hug and hear him say I love you once more.