Dealing with Death

[Fi scot]

Grief for me is a rollercoaster.

We lost my dad suddenly last year, no warning, heart attack, he was working, we thought we had 30 more years with him.

We’ve had family losses from cancer, relatives who were terminal and at times we all thought maybe faster is kinder, and for the person depending on their pain and suffering that’s probably fair to say but not getting to say goodbye is horrific for those left behind.

That being said whilst I loved my auntie and uncles I didn’t feel the sense of loss I do and always will with my dad. Part of me went with him.

Life death what and sketches from the cave on insta help me and so does the podcast griefcast.
It helps me to know there are others there with you and not just people who tend to be in the it’s been a while they must be over it camp, everyone is different.

 

[PumpkinKing]

Currently sat crying reading this thread. I've lost all grandparents, various other family members and several friends who all died before 18, but none come close to losing my younger sister to suicide 18 months ago. She had just turned 24 and the last time I saw her was my birthday 3 weeks earlier, she was so happy and we danced till the early hours. Part of me died with her, im not the same person. There's so many emotions including anger which then makes me feel awful but I'm having therapy now which is helping a tiny bit but I'm still in denial. I just hope she's at peace now.
Sending love to everyone

 

[Rxt156]

I’m so glad I’ve found this thread - I’ve recently been debating going to a therapist to help me deal with the loss of my grandad.

He was diagnosed with lung cancer back in 2016 and had an operation to remove the cancer and was then given the all clear.... a few months later in early 2017 he started complaining of back pain and he just became very weak, we all told him to go to the doctors, which he said he had (we later found out he lied) he self diagnosed himself with ‘sciatica’. Anyway, one day my cousin went up to see him and he was literally yellow and so weak, he took him to the hospital and I went up to visit him and I bursted out crying there and then. I just knew it was cancer. A few days later the diagnosis was confirmed and it was bone cancer. Nothing could be done obviously and grandad didn’t care. In all honesty, I think he just wanted to be with my Nan who had passed away two years prior to breast cancer - he had never, ever gotten over her death.

Anyway, November 2017 was when he passed and I was going through some other personal things in my relationship. My ex was abusive, manipulative and I was going through a miscarriage and the only person I wanted to have a cuddle and cry with was my grandad, he was my best friend from day one and the only person who’d make things feel right in an instant. Because of all these additional things I was going through, I pushed his death to the side and didn’t start grieving until around April 2018 when I finally plucked up the courage to leave my ex. Sometimes I still feel as if he is literally here physically, I’ll have a funny story to tell and think “oh, I’ll ring up grandad and tell him that!” Then reality kicks in and it hurts. I miss him millions and I don’t think I’ll ever experience another loss like it.

So sorry to read this. What an awful thing to have to go through. I feel very similar about my grandad. It’s so hard to get my head around the fact that they will never be around again and I’ll never be able to visit him for a cup of tea. He won’t be at my wedding and won’t meet my children.

The only thing that gets me through is knowing that I did absolutely everything I could have done when he was alive. I never felt ‘the regret’ after he passed away because I’d see him every week without fail, take him out and take gifts round (even small ones like cakes) which he absolutely loved. I felt like I’d absolutely shown him how loved he was and how much he meant to be. I know he felt that too.

I like to think that he is watching and is proud of who I have become now because he is such a huge part of that.

I’ll never get over his death but I have learnt to cope with him not being here.

:-(

 

[IsabellaT]

I still haven’t grieved properly.

I lost my twin sister just over 2 years ago after a failed bone marrow transplant for leukaemia. She was first diagnosed at 6 and had every treatment under the sun but we thought this might work because I was a perfect match for her. I had someone the other day call me by her name and I was a mess. I went a little (a lot) off the rails when she first died and that’s how I ended up 16 with a baby but I don’t do very well with talking about what happened.

 

[lozzapaloozza]

Sending lots of love and hugs to you all. It’s just one day, you got this 🤍

 

[Upintheair83]

My grandad died a few years back 8 weeks after being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. It was the first death I ever experienced, horrific.
Since then, and especially as I have got older, I really fear death, not so much for me but for others. I am terrified of losing the people I love

Me too. It’s the thing I fear the most. Iv had sleepless nights over worrying about it. Xx

 

[Upintheair83]

Just been reading this thread again as I’m so terrified of death- like many of you, I’m not scared of dying myself, but of my loved ones dying. I really can’t imagine how I will cope when anything happens to my parents. Iv lost a few family members- all my grandparents and my beloved Great Aunty who I call my nan- when she died my life was never the same again and I still think about her everyday and it’s been 18 years. I had a cousin die when he was 28 and so it has touched my life. But I’m terrified of anything happening to my parents. When I go and stay at theirs I can never sleep well because I’m always listening out if they are ok. I know that sounds so silly but I really panic about it. Sometimes I feel like maybe I should get some help because it’s quite overwhelming at tines, but reading this reminds me that we all have these kind of fears. Covid had made me think more about death and this last week a young mother in my village died suddenly leaving her 4 children, and it’s been playing on my mind as I knew her. we weren’t friends but it’s a small village and she was of similar age to me and I can’t get it out of my head. And then today I heard the sad news that one of our neighbours passed yday- he was 47 and had a wife and 3 children.
I just can’t imagine what their families must feel. life is just so cruel at times. It’s something I can’t get my head around. Such sadness and loss.
Makes me realise even more that life is to be lived and enjoyed with those we love. That really nothing else matters does it? As long as you have people you love around you and cherish them when you can. Grief really is the price we pay for loving people and we have to accept that it goes hand in hand sending love to everyone on here who has lost someone special and who live with grief. My love to you xxx

 

[JD-Morgan]

My Grandma passed away in June this year.

The funeral restrictions cause of covid didn’t help but I still can’t really come to terms with it.

 

[CosmicCreepers]

My Grandad passed away today aged 85 at 8:25am. A massive shock to us all but he died peacefully. I am so worried about my Mum but she has said he would want us to carry on and be happy. I’ve never understood why we have to feel grief and pain when death is a part of life.

 

[ChickenLicking]

Hi, I know that this is an old thread but I am a regular user and didn't want to venture over to Mumsnet. My husband, whom I met when I was 24 and he 39 died suddenly this afternoon. He was 63. We have an autistic 16 year old son.

 

[Drea1984]

This. I lost my Mum in 2017 (I was late 20s) And with her I also got made to leave our family home of 21 years (OH so considerate housing association there) so I have anxiety every single day that I'll lose my job and therefore my home again. Never had a dad to lose as it were but he's also not here anymore.
I just about have my grandparents - both very elderly. Ones in a home and the other is struggling immensely and its hard seeing them like this. Not knowing who I am. Who my Mum was when that was their daughter. Covid means I've not been able to see Nan since March and daren't visit Grandad too often incase I pass something over.

I still don't feel I grieved properly over Mum. I feel I handled it too well? I had to go back to work after 5 weeks as couldn't afford not to and had to focus on emptying a house and moving. I grieved ALOT when she was diagnosed so maybe it was just backwards. I tried bereavement counselling but I didn't get what it was supposed to achieve as I talk about her fairly openly without breaking down.

Did have a tear seeing my Nan in a photo earlier mind. She's just a shell now and it's not fair I can't visit (one visitor only and must be the same person each time...)

But it's just me now basically. I can't go "home" or even to my Grandparents anymore. It's a scary as hell feeling (only in 30s now)

I hear you. I have terrible anxiety re losing my job and therefore losing my (council) home. I went back to work after 4 days. Just had day off for the funeral. I so much want to feel secure but am constantly worried. I haven’t cried and can’t see a time when I will. In losing my mum I feel I lost any security I had.

 

[Allthevest20]

Thank you so much for taking the time to write this
Your message came just at the right time when I needed it. Your advice is great and I was already thinking of doing both the memory teddy and ring so I think I’ll look into that tomorrow!
Love to you too, it’s nice knowing we’re not alone in this xx

You're welcome and it's not the best club to be part of but there are a few of us lurking around so there is support for the younger bereaved people (but not enough IMO as it's either based at children or much older people who've lost someone - us 20 something's have to stick together)
Jewellery wise I went with a jeweller called Chris Parry - I liked his designs more than the generic companies for specific memorial jewellery. Bears I used both "Bear in Mind Keepsakes" and "Memory Ted's" on Facebook just to share a couple of ideas. Having these did give me something to focus on too. X

 

[Rosie glow]

I lost my grandad nearly a year ago he was sent in to hospital during the height of covid he was alone for six weeks without any of us being able to visit him just before he died one of his sons was allowed in for a few minutes to sit with him he wasnsnt awate he was there, my grandad was my world growing up we did so many things together, it still breaks my heart knowing he was on his own. At the end RIP all the Angel's we have lost

 

[Jelly Bean]

Love to everybody who is suffering through bereavement. Recent or not. My parents died 4 and 6 years ago and it still can ambush me when I least expect it. I miss them both so terribly.

 

[101d]

My Grandma passed away in June this year.

The funeral restrictions cause of covid didn’t help but I still can’t really come to terms with it.

So sorry. I know how you feel as my Nan passed in February of this year. Her funeral would have been heaving had it of been any normal time, but COVID meant hardly any one could come. Miss her terribly. Hoping that when we scatter her ashes it will be the send off she deserves.

 

[Abongo]

I lost my uncle to covid last year. He was only 51. It has torn my family apart. He was the loveliest, funniest most genuine man I’ve ever met.
He had so much bad luck and we always used to say “your day will come it’s all going to be worth while” I held on to “things will be alright in the end and if it’s not alright it’s not the end” mentality for him. Long story short he died within the space of 10 days.
My nana, his mum, has never recovered. My dad, his brother, is going out of control and I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t go one day without thinking about him and how he should still be here. He never got his happy ending and that will never leave me.
All my nana wanted for him was to have a happy ending and instead he just died. It’s almost a year and the pain is too much.
I can’t grieve to my family as I feel they have more grieving rights than me. I’m really struggling with this.

 

[EvieBaby]

My mum passed away 2 weeks ago tomorrow. She was only 53 and I am 26. We were as close as you could possibly be.
She was diagnosed with cancer last year but told she got the all clear this January. During lockdown she went for a routine scan and found it had come back. That was in May and things went downhill rapidly.

I miss her so much already. I can’t imagine my life without her and knowing she won’t be there at my wedding or when I have kids is crippling me.
I have waves of feeling okay but then I get hit by intense and overwhelming grief.

Any advice or help would be greatly appreciated from those of you who have gone through similar.

Love to everyone going through tough times.

So sorry to hear this. Grief does come in waves at the most awful times and I think the best advice is to know that's completely normal and don't try to suppress it. I'm really thinking of you

 

[Ups27]

This year myself and my partner have lost 3 grandparents between us (one on December 19th). We also lost our 6 month old puppy in 2021. And also a family dog never had to deal with so much sadness

 

[Its_Me]

I lost my grandad 15 years ago, it’s never gotten easier. I was so close to him, I thought he was superman lol. I think that’s what cut me up the most, seeing him become so unwell from a fit strong man to weak and frail in such a short space of time. It was only 3 weeks between his cancer diagnosis to the day he died and every day he deteriorated. I’ve learnt that I don’t have to let time be a marker on when you should or shouldn’t be able to move on with your grief. I don’t cry so much anymore, but I think about him every day day and night. I know he would be so proud of me and everything I have done in my life I’ve had his voice in the back of my head telling me ‘you can do anything you put your mind to’. Lots of Love

 

[Kim Mild]

All my grandparents and both parents have now passed . I think on the whole I coped well with grief and feel rather matter of fact about death .

Seeing my dad succumb to his illness and watching him get worse on end of live care as death approached is something I have never seen before and is something that will stay with me forever. It has changed me.