Dealing with Death

[Lalla]

Not sure what to say other than I’m sending love to you all. I lost my mum 8 months ago aged just 53 to cancer. I’m still in denial and I just miss her so much.

This is going to sound so trite but it will get better. You'll always miss her, but the grief gets a little less painful and a little easier to deal with as time passes. It will still hurt, but that unbearable pain will lessen, eventually, I promise.

My mum died from cancer aged 54 in 1994. Honestly, I still miss her every day, but I'm almost used to the missing her part, I do still cry from time to time. She (and my dad, who died 3 years later) missed out on my children, seeing me establish a career, buy my own home. I'm so sad for them at what they missed, and for my children who lost out on 2 amazing people who would have been fantastic grandparents. I'm an only child too, and my grandparents died long ago, so I have no one who remembers stuff from my childhood. I've had a really good life in many ways but losing my parents young has cast a shadow over everything.

A few years ago a friend of mine died. We were best friends in our early 20s but drifted apart and I hadn't spoken to her in a very long time (nearly 20 years). I'd always planned to get back in touch eventually - I never felt good enough to be her friend (she seemed to have the perfect life - house in the country, adoring and v wealthy husband, children, pets etc) and I was waiting til I was thinner/richer/ happier/ had more to offer. Now I wish I hadn't wasted all that time. It's about 3 years since I found out and I still can't quite believe I'll never get to speak to her again. It's the regret which is hardest to deal with.

 

[Grigiogirls]

couldn't find a more specific thread to post this in as it's not human death related, so hope this is ok. Does/has anyone struggle coping with the death of animals? We lost our family dog of 14 years last Easter which was incredibly traumatic as we were in the middle of the pandemic - we weren't able to say goodbye to him, only drop him off at the vets and watch them take him away whilst not being allowed to leave the car. Recently, more noticeably after Christmas time, I have been really effected by the death of any animal that I see or hear of, to the point where I will lose sleep thinking of how much they must have been in pain or their families etc, to the point where I get very upset if I even see of animals going missing. I'm wondering if this could be related to the death of my dog, but was wondering if anyone else finds it extremely hard to cope with the death of animals, even though they aren't yours?

 

[grumpycat]

Oh gosh I’m the same. My two cats are my world and I think I’d rather die then have them die before me. I can’t imagine when it happens but I know my heart will break. Animals are sometimes closer than humans, they are so unconditional, so pure and you are their world. The only thing that gives me joy is knowing I give them the best lives (and long i hope!!) ever.

 

[GiftedNotFree]

Oh @Abongo, I cried reading your post. I can feel your pain. I’m so, so sorry. It sounds like an absolutely devastating loss for you all. Grief is so complicated and unique —it’s difficult sometimes to really make peace with how you’re feeling, as your emotions are all over the place. I hope things get better for you and the 1 year anniversary isn’t too bad

 

[HelloStereo]

My mum passed away 2 weeks ago tomorrow. She was only 53 and I am 26. We were as close as you could possibly be.
She was diagnosed with cancer last year but told she got the all clear this January. During lockdown she went for a routine scan and found it had come back. That was in May and things went downhill rapidly.

I miss her so much already. I can’t imagine my life without her and knowing she won’t be there at my wedding or when I have kids is crippling me.
I have waves of feeling okay but then I get hit by intense and overwhelming grief.

Any advice or help would be greatly appreciated from those of you who have gone through similar.

Love to everyone going through tough times.

I'm really to hear that. 53 is so young and you must miss her so much. I've not gone through similar with my own parents but my ex-boyfriend lost his mum to cancer when she was in her 50s and I remember thinking exactly how you did with regards to what she'd miss out on.

I'm not really sure what advice to give you as I am not sure how much anything I would say would help right now. But if you ever wanted to talk I am always at the other end of a reply message.

 

[Jelly Bean]

I can’t stop crying

I'm not surprised what a terrible shock and trauma for you it must have been and still incredibly raw and recent.
I would say tomorrow will be hard but I bet every single day is hard.
Will you have people with you tomorrow?
I'm so so sorry. It is just so awful and so unfair

 

[101d]

Well I bloody jinxed this didn't I. Nan passed away today so the family unit gets smaller and smaller

So sorry to hear this.

 

[CosmicCreepers]

I lost my Grandma in 2015. She had a lot of illnesses but the final straw was double pneumonia, I think renal failure too. I was so so close to her and not a day goes by when I don’t think about her. We were told to prepare for the end so it wasn’t sudden. I worry so much about my parents passing away, cannot imagine life without my Mum. I’m so sorry to everyone on here, why does life have to be so hard and why do we feel such pain over the inevitable? It’s heartbreaking.

 

[Dwightschrute]

A lot of my friends and my boyfriend thought I might fall apart when he passed away but as I said before, death is a certainty, there's no getting away from it, if we know love, we know pain and I would rather have had love in my life than never feel pain or grief.

Beautifully said.
Sending you love x

 

[unnecessary]

There is a really good podcast called "Death and all the Rest" .. two girls talk about the loss of their parents to cancer. They speak to a few guests who have also lost various family members and they just talk in quite a bit of depth about it all. Really really interesting, and I can imagine it would be quite helpful for people xx

 

[Chewycinema]

Just stumbled across this thread and the tears have flown. I do a lot of end of life care and I always think that grief isn't linear. Theres also a lot of relief if its been expected but that's not to say the sense of relief won't change.
I lot my only 2 grandparents within a year of each other in 01/02 then my uncle 4 years later. Weirdly I found my grandad and uncles deaths, which were expected harder to deal with. My mum and I found my gran and I dont know if I just repressed my grief due to trauma but I only cried for her that day and not even once since 18 years later.
My parents had both lost a parent before i was born so I cant even remember what it was like to not have an awareness of death.

I find since becoming a mother my feelings towards death have changed. I find watching and caring for people as they die a lot harder than I used to and yet when they've passed over I feel nothing. The human psyche is truly bizarre.

 

[Dwightschrute]

Sending you all love this Christmas time
Xxxx

 

[CBellanna]

I can’t stop crying

I am so so sorry for your loss, I want to send the biggest hug I can through the screen. I really hope you'll be ok. Good on you for accepting and reaching out for help, I can't imagine how you feel every night and every day. I do hope one day you will get to move on and be happy again.

 

[Abongo]

@Abongo I totally get what you mean about ‘grieving rights’, my ex fiancée died two months ago and I feel so sad, devastated in a way because of the unfairness.
He was only 36.
Do I even have a right to feel sad?
Me and him haven’t spoken for years but I’ve cried so many tears these past few months.
I always thought I’d have more time to talk to him/ talk over feelings, things that happened etc.
I want to ask his parents what happened/ the exact date it happened etc but it seems wrong to do so, I just sent my sincere condolences.

Omg I’m so sorry that is horrendous.
mint doesn't matter how long ago you split you were still at some point a huge part of eachothers lives. I think you have every right to ask. I hope you’re able to reach out and get some answers.

 

[Gembo]

Well I bloody jinxed this didn't I. Nan passed away today so the family unit gets smaller and smaller

I’m really sorry for your loss

 

[Prinfluencer]

My best friend passed away when we were 27 from cancer should a quick and cruel illness, it was something I couldn't comprehend and even now will often think that I'll tell her about hilarious things that have happened. I have nothing but funny memories of her and eventually the tears have stopped, I'm sad she's missed weddings, never met my daughter.

 

[Jelly Bean]

It’s coming up to two years since I lost my Dad. 2 years ago this month and I just feel like I’m replaying the whole month on loop, remembering all the things that happened from him telling me he wasn’t sick and it wasn’t cancer and whatever was making him poorly would be treatable, to him just gradually getting worse, to him collapsing at home and then me having to call an ambulance for him and going from taking him to hospital not knowing anything to find out he had cancer and dying basically an hour and a half after finding that out. It’s tough and i’m not sure I’m okay deep down, but this month is so busy for me that i’m just like idk, overwhelmed? can sense myself breaking down.

Sometimes I dream about my Dad and more often than not it’s that I dream that he comes back to life, that he’s alive after all this time and every time I say “but i thought you died” and he hasn’t and it plays on my mind in these dreams, if that makes sense. I’ve never told anyone that.

The whole thing with your dad sounds incredibly traumatic. I'm not surprised it all comes flooding back at a significant anniversary.
I wish I could offer good advice but it sounds so similar to my experience with Mum (who died last year, also cancer, also getting iller and then dying at home relatively quickly) and I still honestly don't know which way is up.
You probably aren't OK deep down and two years is absolutely nothing. It is like a deep raw wound that to the outside world may look alright but you know is still nowhere near healed.
Have you tried bereavement counselling, even over the phone? I haven't, but really think I will (as there are just certain things and images in my head I can't get past).
Good luck. Be kind to yourself.

 

[tagliatelle]

Sorry, I keep writing posts when my phone is on low battery and posting them before I’ve finished!

It is extremely rare that a person who commits suicide gives any warning. Most pretend to be fine, happy, moving forward etc. It is these people that don’t want you to know and don’t want to be stopped. Please don’t torture yourself over this. The important thing is she is at peace now and wouldn’t want you to be sad. The pain at the end I suspect is a relief - the ending of the pain that they just can’t live with anymore.

Are you close to your parents? Are you the youngest, eldest? Can you talk to them about it? I sound like a broken record, but talking about your grief when you are ready is really important. And we are here too. My heart breaks for you. Such young and beautiful lives lost really are a tragedy.

Rationally I know you’re right, but irrationally I worry everyone else will also die by suicide. This is also why I find “suicide prevention” campaigns... weird. My family is quite well-known locally because of the circumstances surrounding my sister’s death and my parents have done a few informational videos and I always think we’re the wrong people to ask. Our family member died, we “failed”. Don’t ask us about how to help people!

I’m the eldest. My Dad can’t talk about it (PTSD) and my Mum just sobs, and I can’t deal with her grief as well as my own. I try and talk about her, but the rest of my eider family have basically beatified her since death - we’re not allowed to mention any of her flaws, and I find it hard.

 

[Raymond Luxury-Yacht]

I’m new to this thread, hi everyone and lots of love to you all

My BIL died unexpectedly last month and I still can’t process it. He was only in his 30s. He had a mild heart condition, but it was something you can totally live with. However, looking back, I realise he might have had depression and/or other MH issues. I wonder whether he just lost his will to live. His death hit me harder than I could have thought, I just can’t wrap my head around it. Any advice for me?

 

[MaryX82]

I have linked helpful YouTube video if anyone wants to listen for Grief & Healing.I have found it useful sending