Dealing with Death

[Rxt156]

Not a great subject I know but I’m hoping that this thread will give people the opportunity to express emotions that may be difficult to say aloud but easier to type.

I lost my grandad 7 years ago and I’ve never quite been able to come to terms with it. I find it so awful that he is still gone and will never be back. It was a very sudden death, no illness at all. I just went round one day and he did answer the door. I used a key and he has collapsed upstairs . A short stay in hospital and be passed away. The worst bit was never being able to say goodbye and being so close to someone (he was a total legend) and all of a sudden they are gone. Absolutely awful.

 

[Fenella]

Oh I’m sorry that you are feeling sad at the moment.

I randomly had a cry about my grandad today and he’s been gone years now, just talking to my son about a toy he used to have that grandad bought him and it all just felt right as though it was recent again, grief is a weird thing

 

[CynicalV]

I also lost my grandad so definitely understand and feel much love and sympathy towards you. I'm sorry and I know how difficult it can be. He was my father figure as I did not have a present biological dad, and I lived with my mum and my grandparents together until I was about 8 or 9. Then I saw them almost every day without fail. We took lots of holidays together and have many funny memories. He had lots of grandkids and great grandkids but he always said I was his favourite and we got along so well. He always helped me with school work, taught me how to tie my shoe laces, ride a bike, do puzzles, gave me advice etc. We always did a weekly crossword together.

It was about 2017 when he started having breathing difficulties and no matter how much he tried to hide it it got much worse and he slowly deteriorated. Watching that progress was the most horrendous thing, as there was absolutely nothing we could do. We couldn't do the crossword anymore, couldn't watch our Sunday tv and trash talk about how much we hated certain presenters. He could no longer leave the house and could not breathe without 24/7 oxygen. A few falls and hospital stays. I don't like going too much into detail.
On his final day he insisted he wanted to go and visit one of his daughters for the afternoon. So we took him and he struggled the whole time and was ill. He was taken to hospital after collapsing back home and passed in the middle of that night. My grandmother, mum, and his other daughters were there. I had to stay at the house with my younger brother asleep and waited up alone from about 12.30am to 8am when they came back from the hospital. I spent those hours praying to a god that I don't even believe in. It was the single most horrific experience I could imagine. When they turned up I ran to the front door, but he wasn't in the car. I broke down and I haven't been the same since. Every day I leave my grandparents I give them a kiss and a hug, but on that day I felt a bit of a cold coming on, and as he was immunocompromised, I said Oh I best not give you a kiss or get too close as I don't want you to catch anything. So I never gave him a kiss or a hug goodbye. And I wasn't there when he went. And I don't think I will ever, ever get over that. I know he would find it silly and not care, but it kills me every day. I could have just given him that hug and kiss one last time.
I've never spoken to anyone about it because I can't talk about him to my family. The entire family took it hard, my mother especially too, but everyone copes in different ways. My grandma is mostly relieved as she saw him the most at his worst and knew how much he wanted everything to be over. But I can't join in on the jokes and happy reminiscing just yet, because I feel so tortured by it all. I have dreams every now and then where I can see him and I'm trying to get to him but I just can't. I sit and cry nearly every night alone so I don't make anyone else worry. I miss him and I just want to see him do his silly dances and impressions again. But I have to remind myself that that is not who he was at the end. He was happy to go and wanted to stop being in pain after suffering so much for so long.

He would hate to see me upset, and I think we all need to remember how proud they would be of all of us. Our grandads watched us grow up and want us to lead our best lives. I hope there is some comfort in that, although it was so traumatic and sudden, it was relatively short and less painful and arduous for your grandad to go through. They made their memories and left us with their wisdom and love and we can carry that on forward. We miss them every day but we didn't lose them completely. Sending lots of love to everyone who has suffered loss.

 

[openbook1]

My grandad died a few years back 8 weeks after being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. It was the first death I ever experienced, horrific.
Since then, and especially as I have got older, I really fear death, not so much for me but for others. I am terrified of losing the people I love

 

[Its_Me]

I lost my grandad 15 years ago, it’s never gotten easier. I was so close to him, I thought he was superman lol. I think that’s what cut me up the most, seeing him become so unwell from a fit strong man to weak and frail in such a short space of time. It was only 3 weeks between his cancer diagnosis to the day he died and every day he deteriorated. I’ve learnt that I don’t have to let time be a marker on when you should or shouldn’t be able to move on with your grief. I don’t cry so much anymore, but I think about him every day day and night. I know he would be so proud of me and everything I have done in my life I’ve had his voice in the back of my head telling me ‘you can do anything you put your mind to’. Lots of Love

 

[Upintheair83]

My grandad died a few years back 8 weeks after being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. It was the first death I ever experienced, horrific.
Since then, and especially as I have got older, I really fear death, not so much for me but for others. I am terrified of losing the people I love

Me too. It’s the thing I fear the most. Iv had sleepless nights over worrying about it. Xx

 

[openbook1]

Me too. It’s the thing I fear the most. Iv had sleepless nights over worrying about it. Xx

Me too. I find night time is the worst. I will lie in bed worrying. This probably sounds weird but sometimes my husband will fall asleep on the sofa and when I wake up and realise he isn't there, I panic that something has happened... a really awful feeling. The thought of losing my mum too fills me with absolute terror. At least we aren't alone in our worries. It isn't spoken about enough. xx

 

[Its_Me]

Me too. I find night time is the worst. I will lie in bed worrying. This probably sounds weird but sometimes my husband will fall asleep on the sofa and when I wake up and realise he isn't there, I panic that something has happened... a really awful feeling. The thought of losing my mum too fills me with absolute terror. At least we aren't alone in our worries. It isn't spoken about enough. xx

Same with mum. I’ve broken down at the thought of it in the past. I also get upset at the thought of me dying before mum, and how she would cope without me. Death happens to us all it’s one thing in life that’s guaranteed but I don’t think it makes it any less scary.

One thing that doesn’t scare me though is what actually happens when you die. I appreciate others thoughts and religious takes on it but in my mind we die and we go to rest.

 

[openbook1]

Same with mum. I’ve broken down at the thought of it in the past. I also get upset at the thought of me dying before mum, and how she would cope without me. Death happens to us all it’s one thing in life that’s guaranteed but I don’t think it makes it any less scary.

One thing that doesn’t scare me though is what actually happens when you die. I appreciate others thoughts and religious takes on it but in my mind we die and we go to rest.

That is what I think too.

 

[Lonewolf]

I'm so sorry for your loss!

My own opinion is I think grief is harder when you don't get that chance to come to terms with when it's sudden, especially when you don't get the chance to say your goodbyes I've been through both circumstances, I also believe grief is something that never goes away or can be overcome, you just learn how to live & deal with it! Its a very personal emotion

 

[cedarpeach]

It’s so hard to grasp. My dad died unexpectedly 5 years ago. He was only 61. I live in a different country and so wasn’t there when he died. He lived alone, and he was alone when he died. I find that really hard.

grief is nothing like I expected it to be and I feel sad that I never got to have a proper relationship with my dad when I was a “true” adult. Even though I was in my 20s when he died I hadn’t really grown up properly and didn’t yet see him through clear eyes. We had a difficult relationship but we really loved each other. Only in hindsight do I realise that he was the one person in my life when I was growing up that really understood me for who I was and encouraged all my little nerdy, geeky interests. He would happily listen to me yap on for hours about stuff that interested me. He was a really kind, placid, gentle man who sadly struggled in life. I feel gutted for the hard, short run he had in life.

 

[Fi scot]

Grief for me is a rollercoaster.

We lost my dad suddenly last year, no warning, heart attack, he was working, we thought we had 30 more years with him.

We’ve had family losses from cancer, relatives who were terminal and at times we all thought maybe faster is kinder, and for the person depending on their pain and suffering that’s probably fair to say but not getting to say goodbye is horrific for those left behind.

That being said whilst I loved my auntie and uncles I didn’t feel the sense of loss I do and always will with my dad. Part of me went with him.

Life death what and sketches from the cave on insta help me and so does the podcast griefcast.
It helps me to know there are others there with you and not just people who tend to be in the it’s been a while they must be over it camp, everyone is different.

 

[grumpycat]

Reading everyone’s experiences I can relate so much. I am so scared of death. I am incredibly blessed to have all of my grandparents still, and most weekends I try to see them all with my son so I make the most of having them here but I still worry so much about losing anyone in my life. Sometimes I wonder why even bother having life when death is so painful even tho I know life is absolutely worth having for all the brilliant bits of you know what I mean? It’s a weird feeling.

We lost my husbands mother last year. She was like a second mother to me, and we live hundreds of miles away so we couldn’t be around as much as we wanted. She had cancer, and she deteriorated so quickly. I wish we’d have been able to spend so much more time with her because I miss her so much.

My husband is the type to not show his emotions very well but I’m such an open book I cry all the time at anything and after we lost her I was so broken. It sounds so weird because she wasn’t my mum, but I spoke to her most days about our son, and she absolutely adored him. I’m so sad for everything she’s missed so far since she’s been gone and it hurts me so much.

It’s my first dealing with death so it really hit me hard and started my worry of loosing anyone again.

I find it comes in waves, some times I feel like it’s a hole we have somehow comfortably managed to live with and sometimes it feels like a sinkhole and I just feel so upset and angry. I know this is normal and I just let myself feel it until it passes. The only thing I’ve taken away from it is to live in the moment as much as we can (hard in a pandemic tho eh!) and to show everyone as much love because we never know what might happen.

 

[Gembo]

I am having a really hard time coming to terms with my parents deaths. I had a difficult and largely distant relationship with them due to them both being alcoholics. Back in mid 2016 my dad was diagnosed with cancer, in early 2017 my mum was hospitalised for months due to her alcoholism, we were then told she was terminally ill, a few months later dad was diagnosed as terminal.

I spent a lot of time looking after my mum as best I could from that point on including moving in with her for months at a time. I remained estranged from my dad due to his abusiveness. Then in 2018 he made contact saying he wanted a fresh start as he was dying. I was willing to meet him half way, I really tried but he was still drinking and kept sending me nasty messages and then acting like nothing happened. He wanted me to go and see him but honestly I was too scared so I didnt until the day before he died. I would not have picked him out in a crowd, he looked nothing like my dad. I spent the whole of his last day with him, holding his hand and talking to him until he peacefully passed away in the evening.

Just a few months later mum died. I was totally shocked as we had been told 3x previously that she was close to passing only for her to improve so for most of that last week I didnt actually think she would die. Much to my regret I even left her one morning to go to the gym, she was sat up laughing and talking and I didn’t think I needed to worry. A few days later she passed and it wasn’t peaceful. She was in pain, distressed and could hardly talk.

After she passed I felt very little. I thought maybe I was coping really well. I’ve since come to realise that it was all too much and I had just gone numb to cope. Since lockdown my grief has hit me like a tidal wave, I have nightmares about their deaths, I feel utter disbelief, I get flashbacks at random times. I feel like I’m at a real low point in my life, since they died I feel so old, I am so unhappy with my life and trying to figure out how to change it. I’m still buried in grief. I feel it’s been a pivotal moment in my life and I’m still trying to make sense of it all. Their deaths haunt me and I just still can not believe they are both gone or that they passed so close together. I am having therapy and have been told I have complex grief, I suffered 2 other bereavements, one a few months before my dad and one a few weeks after that also hit me hard, one I’ve coped well with as it was expected, the other not so much, but it’s mum and dads deaths that I just can’t deal with. It was hard to believe so much happened in such a short time. Now I think about death a lot and it’s huge and it scares me.

 

[cedarpeach]

I am having a really hard time coming to terms with my parents deaths. I had a difficult and largely distant relationship with them due to them both being alcoholics. Back in mid 2016 my dad was diagnosed with cancer, in early 2017 my mum was hospitalised for months due to her alcoholism, we were then told she was terminally ill, a few months later dad was diagnosed as terminal.

I spent a lot of time looking after my mum as best I could from that point on including moving in with her for months at a time. I remained estranged from my dad due to his abusiveness. Then in 2018 he made contact saying he wanted a fresh start as he was dying. I was willing to meet him half way, I really tried but he was still drinking and kept sending me nasty messages and then acting like nothing happened. He wanted me to go and see him but honestly I was too scared so I didnt until the day before he died. I would not have picked him out in a crowd, he looked nothing like my dad. I spent the whole of his last day with him, holding his hand and talking to him until he peacefully passed away in the evening.

Just a few months later mum died. I was totally shocked as we had been told 3x previously that she was close to passing only for her to improve so for most of that last week I didnt actually think she would die. Much to my regret I even left her one morning to go to the gym, she was sat up laughing and talking and I didn’t think I needed to worry. A few days later she passed and it wasn’t peaceful. She was in pain, distressed and could hardly talk.

After she passed I felt very little. I thought maybe I was coping really well. I’ve since come to realise that it was all too much and I had just gone numb to cope. Since lockdown my grief has hit me like a tidal wave, I have nightmares about their deaths, I feel utter disbelief, I get flashbacks at random times. I feel like I’m at a real low point in my life, since they died I feel so old, I am so unhappy with my life and trying to figure out how to change it. I’m still buried in grief. I feel it’s been a pivotal moment in my life and I’m still trying to make sense of it all. Their deaths haunt me and I just still can not believe they are both gone or that they passed so close together. I am having therapy and have been told I have complex grief, I suffered 2 other bereavements, one a few months before my dad and one a few weeks after that also hit me hard, one I’ve coped well with as it was expected, the other not so much, but it’s mum and dads deaths that I just can’t deal with. It was hard to believe so much happened in such a short time. Now I think about death a lot and it’s huge and it scares me.

My god I’m so sorry. Just want you to know I read every word. Grief was nothing like I expected and I also felt “okay” for a while after my dad died. It came out in unexpected ways and only in hindsight do I realise what a mess I was the year after he died.
What you went through is absolutely harrowing and I’m sending you all my best thoughts and wishes.

 

[lexle]

I lost my brother when I was 14, he was 23. It was unexpected, he was killed by a car. I closed myself off for a good few months, stayed in my room while family gathered downstairs most nights all together. One thing that has shocked me is that I very rarely cry over him. I’ve felt so abnormal about that. You always imagine you’ll be in tears all the time but I just wasn’t. It’s been 12 years now. The pain I feel is indescribable but I don’t ever show it to anyone or even myself really. I’m a very private person and I don’t like to show emotion to even family. Time has helped massively and instead of thinking of his death and what happened, I now only ever think of the things we did together, those precious memories I have forever. I have to hope that I will see him again one day

 

[Gembo]

My god I’m so sorry. Just want you to know I read every word. Grief was nothing like I expected and I also felt “okay” for a while after my dad died. It came out in unexpected ways and only in hindsight do I realise what a mess I was the year after he died.
What you went through is absolutely harrowing and I’m sending you all my best thoughts and wishes.

Thank you, I do really appreciate that. I hope your grief is getting easier now xxx

 

[Lollipop2123]

Sending love to everyone. It's so hard. I've thought about my nan today whilst cooking Sunday dinner. I was with her when she died and constantly feel her near and yet really far too if that makes sense. X

 

[Rockin' Robin]

Unfortunately I have had quite a few deaths in my family. Lets just say I am the only one left. I won't delve too deeply into it, because it is far too painful. However, I would like to share a poem that I wrote, sometime after my Brother died in 1994.

To those who grieve

Not a Father's daughter,
but a tree standing alone.
Motionless in a clear breeze.
Never again to feel the rays of the sun
Dancing upon my leaves.

Not a Brother's Sister.
Never again to gaze at the world
with innocent eyes.
The only freedom flows through my tears.

Heal me briefly with empty words.
But allow my memories dignity.
And my dreams to remain true.

Copyright Rockin' Robin 1995.

 

[Be creative]

I lost my uncle who I was very close to 6 years ago suddenly in a house fire and my dad suddenly two years later from a heart attack on the day of my sister-in-law’s mothers funeral. Both were unexpected and both were horrific.

My dad took care of everything for my uncles death but me and my brother obviously dealt with my dads (mum and dad are divorced but remained good friends). I registered his death, cleared his house out, organised his funeral and headstone and dealt with his estate through my work, so a lot of the work following his death was dealt with by me alone. I managed, what I thought, reasonably well at the time, all things considered. However about 9 months later, I took a seizure in the middle of a shopping centre. Doctors couldn’t find any cause for it and mum swears to this day it was pent up emotions I had pushed down when dealing with everything. I don’t know, but I agree the grief of my dads death on top of my uncles, and the circumstances of both, overwhelmed me without me knowing it and not properly dealing with those emotions and feelings probably contributed to the seizure.

their deaths changed me as a person and as some have said, a little bit of me went with them when they left. I was always quite a strong heart of stone kind of person, nothing really made me cry. Now I cry at a choir singing on tv sometimes. It’s definitely altered my personality tenfold.

I think there are pros and cons to someone going quickly, over an expected death as it were. Likewise the other way about. Neither are nice or the better of the two