I’m giving bumble bff a go to see if I can make new friends and you never know what else that may lead to.
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I'm having this at the moment, he seems lovely but when I ask him about stuff like where he's from, how many siblings he has just general stuff he'll be chatty and answer but never asks me the same questions back. I feel like he wouldn't know anything about unless I just volunteered information. Sometimes it feels like you're hosting an episode of This is Your Life
I always think I’m the awkward one terrible at small talk until I realise I’m having to get blood out of stones nearly every time.
I heard something today: ‘to love someone, you have to understand them’ and my minds processes love as a verb; it’s an action. And it’s made me think about the discussion here about baggage because understanding is also active, and like love can sometimes be, a choice. It’s ok to choose who we want to use energy to understand.
I must admit, I’ve had a lot of unusual and traumatic life experiences that others call baggage and I struggle with that and felt really bad about myself reading you all talk about how you don’t have any and wouldn’t entertain someone who would. Apart from my child and marriage, I wasn’t an active participant in them and it’s really hurt being judged. For example, I’ve had many people opt out when they’ve found out I only have one sibling now when I once had three. I didn’t choose to lose the two I did
so maybe it is time I stop looking to see if there’s someone else out there for me because I can’t change these things about my past, they happened. Most of them don’t come into play in a big way regularly at all but they have formed who I am in this era of Sandor and maybe that really is too much for people.
I heard something today: ‘to love someone, you have to understand them’ and my minds processes love as a verb; it’s an action. And it’s made me think about the discussion here about baggage because understanding is also active, and like love can sometimes be, a choice. It’s ok to choose who we want to use energy to understand.
I must admit, I’ve had a lot of unusual and traumatic life experiences that others call baggage and I struggle with that and felt really bad about myself reading you all talk about how you don’t have any and wouldn’t entertain someone who would. Apart from my child and marriage, I wasn’t an active participant in them and it’s really hurt being judged. For example, I’ve had many people opt out when they’ve found out I only have one sibling now when I once had three. I didn’t choose to lose the two I did
so maybe it is time I stop looking to see if there’s someone else out there for me because I can’t change these things about my past, they happened. Most of them don’t come into play in a big way regularly at all but they have formed who I am in this era of Sandor and maybe that really is too much for people.Why would people not want to know you because you've lost 2 siblings ? I'm struggling to understand how that is a deal breaker. I'm a widow, for some that is 'baggage' and i understand that some choose not to see past it. Do I wear it like a victim badge ? No I don't, does it stop me moving forward with my life? No it doesn't. The judgement is theirs to deal with .... plus we all have baggage! No one gets to sail through life and not accumalate some along the way.I always think I’m the awkward one terrible at small talk until I realise I’m having to get blood out of stones nearly every time.
I heard something today: ‘to love someone, you have to understand them’ and my minds processes love as a verb; it’s an action. And it’s made me think about the discussion here about baggage because understanding is also active, and like love can sometimes be, a choice. It’s ok to choose who we want to use energy to understand.
I must admit, I’ve had a lot of unusual and traumatic life experiences that others call baggage and I struggle with that and felt really bad about myself reading you all talk about how you don’t have any and wouldn’t entertain someone who would. Apart from my child and marriage, I wasn’t an active participant in them and it’s really hurt being judged. For example, I’ve had many people opt out when they’ve found out I only have one sibling now when I once had three. I didn’t choose to lose the two I did
I think it's the type of baggage that's the topic here. Men with 3 ex wives who are all still in the picture, men that are serial daters, men struggling with addiction...etc.. that kind of baggage requires series thinking before you involve yourself.
i don’t think anyone here has claimed that they don’t have any baggage (i mean, everyone does to varying degrees) and, in the nicest possible way, people are allowed to set limits on what they will or won’t entertain in a relationship. if this is referring to sprottish’s post, i think there were a lot of other layers and the responders (not me, i was out of line) made it clear on why they may not be comfortable dating an ex gambler. and that’s cool, everyone is different and everyone has varying limits.I always think I’m the awkward one terrible at small talk until I realise I’m having to get blood out of stones nearly every time.
I heard something today: ‘to love someone, you have to understand them’ and my minds processes love as a verb; it’s an action. And it’s made me think about the discussion here about baggage because understanding is also active, and like love can sometimes be, a choice. It’s ok to choose who we want to use energy to understand.
I must admit, I’ve had a lot of unusual and traumatic life experiences that others call baggage and I struggle with that and felt really bad about myself reading you all talk about how you don’t have any and wouldn’t entertain someone who would. Apart from my child and marriage, I wasn’t an active participant in them and it’s really hurt being judged. For example, I’ve had many people opt out when they’ve found out I only have one sibling now when I once had three. I didn’t choose to lose the two I did
i can only apologise if you feel that any of those posts have made you personally feel judged but i equally think they’re conversations we have to have. a lot of what is discussed here hits me in a slightly repressed part of my heart too (especially the conversation about appearances the other day) - it’s tough because we’re all going to have various things that trigger us and i would never want to take away from how honest this thread is. i don’t think it’s anyone’s intention for another poster to feel judged.
No apologies necessary. Absolutely everyone has boundaries and limits. I clearly have them of my own. I know the intention here is never to be hurtful to each other, and just because it did hurt doesn’t mean I don’t see a positive. I feel a lot of peace at accepting my life experience means I am unlikely to have another long term relationship. I’m grateful for that discussion.
Like @wibblywobblywoo I’m not wearing any of it like a victim and it’s never held me back from moving forward. But other people can’t get past that I’ve experienced these things and maybe it’s time to stop trying to find someone who can in favour of dates and fun and sex. I love myself, and maybe that’s going to have to be enough to last a lifetime
All these experiences are part of you but they don't define you. Perhaps a better option would be not to overshare personal information with these people until they have earned a place in your life. I hear it all the time where people open their souls to strangers within the first few conversations and then are surprised when they then run for the hills. I'm not suggesting this is what you do but personal stuff should be shared once a connection's is established and for me that's many many dates down the line !No apologies necessary. Absolutely everyone has boundaries and limits. I clearly have them of my own. I know the intention here is never to be hurtful to each other, and just because it did hurt doesn’t mean I don’t see a positive. I feel a lot of peace at accepting my life experience means I am unlikely to have another long term relationship. I’m grateful for that discussion.
Like @wibblywobblywoo I’m not wearing any of it like a victim and it’s never held me back from moving forward. But other people can’t get past that I’ve experienced these things and maybe it’s time to stop trying to find someone who can in favour of dates and fun and sex. I love myself, and maybe that’s going to have to be enough to last a lifetime
Completely! I’m talking about down the line, I think that’s why it’s hit me so hard (and I will be bringing it up with my therapist
). And I think it’s why there’s this issue too, they know me for who I am and then find something out, are surprised and immediately it taints me because I don’t define myself by any of it but they can’t see past it. Almost like because I don’t carry it around as baggage it’s going to be a perpetual catch 22. I’m sorry I’m being such a downer, I genuinely can’t see how to get past it as a road block now that the thoughts been unlocked.
I think for me baggage is stuff that people could deal with, that's within their control- like issues with drink or drugs, or gambling or whatever, overwhelming bitterness about their Ex wives and so on.
I would never want to make anyone feel that bereavement was 'baggage'. I've been made to feel that myself not just in relationships but also with friends too, albeit a different bereavement (I lost my parents at an age when many people still have their grandparents, and that missing part of my life made people uncomfortable).
I would never want to make anyone feel that bereavement was 'baggage'. I've been made to feel that myself not just in relationships but also with friends too, albeit a different bereavement (I lost my parents at an age when many people still have their grandparents, and that missing part of my life made people uncomfortable).
i think the thing that struck me in your post was that we are “all talking about how you don’t have any” (baggage that is) - which just isn’t the case. people have shared a lot of, sometimes very personal, details here and it’s wonderful that this is a safe space where they can do so, what made you think that people were saying this?No apologies necessary. Absolutely everyone has boundaries and limits. I clearly have them of my own. I know the intention here is never to be hurtful to each other, and just because it did hurt doesn’t mean I don’t see a positive. I feel a lot of peace at accepting my life experience means I am unlikely to have another long term relationship. I’m grateful for that discussion.
Like @wibblywobblywoo I’m not wearing any of it like a victim and it’s never held me back from moving forward. But other people can’t get past that I’ve experienced these things and maybe it’s time to stop trying to find someone who can in favour of dates and fun and sex. I love myself, and maybe that’s going to have to be enough to last a lifetime
i can only second wibbly above me, these things don’t define you and people have differing triggers doesn’t mean that they have no baggage themselves. literally everyone has baggage to some degree. it worries me that you refer to this as “tainting” you in some way, that you feel other people have none, that you view it as a road block that’s going to stop you having a relationship. you don’t have to share anything with us, but it sounds like you’ve had past experiences where people have left when they found out something, it’s understandable that this then makes you focus on your “baggage” as a bad thing. but them leaving is on them and their decision, not a reflection on you, same as how if sprottish bins off her guy it’s because he doesn’t suit her, not a reflection on him at the core of his person. it’s a difficult thing to get over i know, but it does not define you nor does it make other people better or more adjusted than you.
Love this @LaBlonde. I also think it's down to you what you ultimately share with future friends or partners. Do they really need to know the finite details of past things that really have no relevance in the future ? I won't go into details but I had a horrific childhood, do I share that with men I'm dating? Absolutely not because it's has no bearing on my life now. I'm the person I am because I didn't let that abuse define me. Your past never leaves you but does it need to be dragged into future relationships to potential taint them ? Imo Absolutely not.
And just to add, you can give enough details about past occurrences without going into details. For example...My husband passed away after a short illness. I'm a widow. End of conversation.
idk... i think it was clear that the type of baggage we were / are still talking about is the more toxic kind. the kind that could potentially put you in a codependent relationship or a carer / therapist role.
and it's very clear when someone has baggage that's been dealt with vs not
and it's very clear when someone has baggage that's been dealt with vs not
It was this: “Next guy I'll be looking for better have as much baggage as me - none!” - it’s absolutely valid as a choice but it really hit hard for me. I actually thought I’d read other posts as direct but I’ll concede that’s probably just because of how instant the realisation of all this was. I’m not saying I have loads and other people have none. I’m acknowledging that other people might not see theirs as baggage.
For context, in the past 24 months alone, I’ve experienced: losing second sibling, marriage ending, divorce, a parent attempting suicide, cancer, a miscarriage, two stalkers - and other stuff
I can deal with these things quietly, practically, healthily and emotionally, and allow them to pass. And I honestly deal with them pretty much on my own. I don’t talk about the stalkers with anyone except police/lawyers. Only you guys, my sister and two friends know about the miscarriage.
The sibling thing usually comes up pretty quickly because it’s one of those questions. My standard answer is along the lines ‘I’m one of four but there’s only one still alive’ because I refuse to say I only have one so maybe that’s a me issue? The other things I don’t really talk about with anyone other than my sister and therapist but obviously Close friends and family do know about them so they may get mentioned in someone’s presence and then it’s over because I’m no longer ‘simple.’ it seems like it only takes knowledge of one of these things and everyone freaks out, like I’ve run out of chances for a normal life
and it’s frustrating because I’ve been so level headed about all of them and survived them all. Maybe the issue is that I don’t talk about it so when there’s a big ‘reveal’ like a friend asking ‘what’s happened with the restraining order?’ and it being overheard, I seem like a weirdo not affected by any of it?! Because I agree @wibblywobblywoo most of this stuff doesn’t need to be brought up. I can talk about it all but I don’t enjoy talking about any of it. I feel like maybe I’m toxic by association @mozzarellagirl
I do understand both sides of this, for instance I stopped dating someone when he kept bringing up his experience of being kidnapped in a foreign country. I knew I wasn’t able to take that on and it wouldn’t have been fair on him.
Thank you for letting me talk it out x
I'm not going to list all I've been through because it's not a competition. I think to some extent we have all been through some form of trauma and sadly some of us more than others. I don't play the why me card,( a dear friend once said to me years ago why not you!, ) and that's because I think of myself as a champion and a survivor! Life is for living ...surround yourself with people that are your biggest cheerleaders and f**k the rest that bring negativity.
I will just pick up on one thing you did say @Sandor. Your response to the sibling question is incredibly inflammatory tbh and bound to cause the other person to want to question it further. You just need to say you are 1 of 4. End of conversation. It's your information to share as and when or never when the time feels right, you owe no one these details and anyone that says " why didn't you tell me before " you respond back with " I told you when the time felt right for me".
I will just pick up on one thing you did say @Sandor. Your response to the sibling question is incredibly inflammatory tbh and bound to cause the other person to want to question it further. You just need to say you are 1 of 4. End of conversation. It's your information to share as and when or never when the time feels right, you owe no one these details and anyone that says " why didn't you tell me before " you respond back with " I told you when the time felt right for me".
If bereavement is baggage then surely we all have it one way or another unless very young or fortunate? Nobody is immortal. And for many people (I have no "baggage" in terms of kids, exes, family etc, but I did have a difficult childhood) baggage is offset by self awareness.
Some baggage is impossible to compete with though. I could never win against my ex's ex wife. I was in a battle with her I hadn't chosen to participate in and the more he loved me, the less she could control him and the more threatened she was... And so it was a spiral of her behaviour becoming increasingly toxic and chaotic. They were trapped in a decades-long abuse dynamic that he either doesn't have the ability or the will to escape from and everyone else is just collateral damage.
So I maybe wouldn't get involved in that kind of situation again although hindsight is a wonderful thing.
Some baggage is impossible to compete with though. I could never win against my ex's ex wife. I was in a battle with her I hadn't chosen to participate in and the more he loved me, the less she could control him and the more threatened she was... And so it was a spiral of her behaviour becoming increasingly toxic and chaotic. They were trapped in a decades-long abuse dynamic that he either doesn't have the ability or the will to escape from and everyone else is just collateral damage.
So I maybe wouldn't get involved in that kind of situation again although hindsight is a wonderful thing.
That’s the kind of feedback and suggestions I needed, thank you. I’d honestly got to that as an answer because of the trauma of being told I should only count the living when I answer it and there’s no way I’d ever do that.
And I wouldn’t make it a competition, just thought an idea of what I was talking about might help. Because I feel totally out of my depth as to how normal/ not normal my life experience is right now.
I think I have a great deal of self-awareness usually. Like my baby stories are no one else’s to know and if kids come up my answers always that I don’t want anymore. Clean, simple and true (though the recent one would have been a lovely second miracle).
@nothanksbabes I think you’ve summed up my thinking quite well in that I’m aware these things are horrible but they don’t affect me on a regular basis. The issue is people immediately seem to think ‘ohhhh, she’s not gonna be ok’ when like wibbly says, I’m actually out here finding joy in life (usually, todays obviously a downer
)
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@wibblywobblywoo that's how I would approach it too. I know that with my Ex, we were already 'in a relationship' when I talked to him about my parents. With others before that I'd kind of sidestep questions about my parents - so for example when my kids were younger and someone might ask if my parents were babysitting or something like that, or if they helped with childcare I'd just say where the kids were (with their dad, with my friend, having a sleepover, etc) or that they went to a childminder when I was at work. It's tricky because I'm kind of an open book but at the same time I didn't know these people well enough to share that knowledge with them (and have them judge me for it when they didn't really know me either).
Slightly different but one of the few rows I had with my Ex was because I'd never talked to him about my eldest's dad (my kids have 2 different dads, 1 is in the picture, 1 not) and 5 years into our relationship he came out and said he found it odd I'd 'concealed' it from him and why hadn't I talked to him about it. There was no big tragic story, but he had clearly been resentful that I wasn't sharing it with him. He'd never once asked me about it, and if he had I'd have told him, but I'd never felt the need to discuss it. I am still quite annoyed he made me feel bad over that.
Slightly different but one of the few rows I had with my Ex was because I'd never talked to him about my eldest's dad (my kids have 2 different dads, 1 is in the picture, 1 not) and 5 years into our relationship he came out and said he found it odd I'd 'concealed' it from him and why hadn't I talked to him about it. There was no big tragic story, but he had clearly been resentful that I wasn't sharing it with him. He'd never once asked me about it, and if he had I'd have told him, but I'd never felt the need to discuss it. I am still quite annoyed he made me feel bad over that.
Personally I choose to live my life and be happy. As far as I'm concerned I owe no one my back story. Its personal and definitely only spoken about on a needs to know basis. Why would I choose to constantly keep revisiting things that are soo painful but I also think the passage of time has dulled the memories and that helps too.That’s the kind of feedback and suggestions I needed, thank you. I’d honestly got to that as an answer because of the trauma of being told I should only count the living when I answer it and there’s no way I’d ever do that.
And I wouldn’t make it a competition, just thought an idea of what I was talking about might help. Because I feel totally out of my depth as to how normal/ not normal my life experience is right now.
I think I have a great deal of self-awareness usually. Like my baby stories are no one else’s to know and if kids come up my answers always that I don’t want anymore. Clean, simple and true (though the recent one would have been a lovely second miracle).
@nothanksbabes I think you’ve summed up my thinking quite well in that I’m aware these things are horrible but they don’t affect me on a regular basis. The issue is people immediately seem to think ‘ohhhh, she’s not gonna be ok’ when like wibbly says, I’m actually out here finding joy in life (usually, todays obviously a downer
It would be a massive hassle for me as I'd very likely have to declare it all at work, it could put my financial crime team* in a really tricky position as it would raise so many flags for them and I'd be seen as a really risky person to be employed by the company, I also wouldn't be able to risk anything to do with my credit history as I have to have a clean bill of health money wise so no chance of us ever settling down and sharing finances. So yeah I would have to write them off to be fair.
*The financial crime team with a really sexy dilf as the head of the dept
DILF---
In other news
I have a huge crush on my head of financial crime
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I’m sorry if my comment hurt - I was directly talking about recent exes or messy divorces and children, I did not mean bereavements or the like! I didn’t mean it like that, I hope you’re okayIt was this: “Next guy I'll be looking for better have as much baggage as me - none!” - it’s absolutely valid as a choice but it really hit hard for me. I actually thought I’d read other posts as direct but I’ll concede that’s probably just because of how instant the realisation of all this was. I’m not saying I have loads and other people have none. I’m acknowledging that other people might not see theirs as baggage.
For context, in the past 24 months alone, I’ve experienced: losing second sibling, marriage ending, divorce, a parent attempting suicide, cancer, a miscarriage, two stalkers - and other stuff
I can deal with these things quietly, practically, healthily and emotionally, and allow them to pass. And I honestly deal with them pretty much on my own. I don’t talk about the stalkers with anyone except police/lawyers. Only you guys, my sister and two friends know about the miscarriage.
The sibling thing usually comes up pretty quickly because it’s one of those questions. My standard answer is along the lines ‘I’m one of four but there’s only one still alive’ because I refuse to say I only have one so maybe that’s a me issue? The other things I don’t really talk about with anyone other than my sister and therapist but obviously Close friends and family do know about them so they may get mentioned in someone’s presence and then it’s over because I’m no longer ‘simple.’ it seems like it only takes knowledge of one of these things and everyone freaks out, like I’ve run out of chances for a normal life
Because I agree @wibblywobblywoo most of this stuff doesn’t need to be brought up. I can talk about it all but I don’t enjoy talking about any of it. I feel like maybe I’m toxic by association @mozzarellagirl
I do understand both sides of this, for instance I stopped dating someone when he kept bringing up his experience of being kidnapped in a foreign country. I knew I wasn’t able to take that on and it wouldn’t have been fair on him.
Thank you for letting me talk it out x
I’ve definitely got my own life crap that’s happened, but I did mean the toxic stuff that lingers.
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