Dating after lockdown #26 What in the bad episode of Hollyoaks is going on?

[LaBlonde]

Never been discussed. We’ve been back in touch properly maybe 2 months. We don’t make big plans but we go out together regularly, he comes to mine, we’re sleeping together. He took me out for my birthday and got me presents etc…I know he doesn’t tell his family about me (because he texts his mum when he stays over with a made up excuse HAHAHA oh my god is he 14 or is he 42?) but I would also not in my dreams tell mine about him so…I guess it’s just casual dating?!
Even this is giving me some clarity so thank you!

sprottish, my dude/dudette….

this man had a gambling problem. you refer to him as “the gambler” in your post. he is a 42 year old man phoning his mum with excuses about why he isn’t coming home when he’s staying at yours. you say you would not “in your dreams” tell your family you’re dating him. he will apparently never leave his parents house.

if you enjoy his company then roll with it but i won’t place all your bets on him and i also would go on dates with other people. it sounds the definition of casual and your language about him confirms that you don’t see anything long term. you and ex gamb need to be clear on what you want and you need to be clear with him that you’re dating other people. go on a date with the other guy and see what happens but you can’t make something with a man you wouldn’t tell your friends/family about.

edit: gosh i’m a right grump today, sorry.

 

[Bleurghgram]

Personally I’d stop dating the gambler because I am a FOOL for catching feelings and thinking I can fix people, as evidenced my previous relationship that I invested a total of four and a half years into. That dude lives at home with his mum now. If you think you can keep it casual and he understands the arrangement, hell you might as well carry on. Will it prevent you from seriously trying to find your person though? I know it’d hold me back.

 

[Belle123]

Girls I feel like a bit of a twit. Let me try and be succinct. I need some honesty to tell me if I’m being horrible.

Quick recap. The beauts on here got me through a horrid breakup in December 21. Since then I’ve dated some weird and wonderful people, been rejected, bored to tears, you name it. There was one, who I met a year or so ago, who I got on well with but his circumstances I couldn’t get on board with. He had a great job etc but lived at home with his parents and in his 40s, it freaked me out a bit. Transpires he had a bad gambling problem and has screwed up any chance of moving out, basically ever. We stopped dating but stayed in touch and he was quite honest about this with me.

Well we’ve only bloody rekindled haven’t we. I would never berate someone for their circumstances and I don’t care about money etc but it’s a massive red flag isn’t it Nevertheless we’ve had a great time last couple of months and I do actually like him quite a lot, and he’s been proper lovely with me. His gambling stuff has stopped, I know that, BUT I can’t build a bloody life with this guy can I. We’re on totally different paths.

So with this in mind, I’ve been on the apps now and again. I met up with a guy at the weekend (and I feel kinda guilty for doing so, am I being crazy?) he was fun, got his sh*t together and wants to see me again. Am I a total twit if I go on another date with this guy when I am still regularly talking to and seeing the gambler? Or is this just the world of dating? Do I call it off with the gambler just because there’s no way we’d ever actually have a future together, or enjoy it for what it is? Can I see how it pans out with them both, or am I being a huge dick head if I do that?!

Be brutally honest please, I need to hear if I’m being wet or I’m being unfair.

I think it depends how he would interpret your situation. I’d be pretty crushed after a couple of months and with you knowing about the situation when you rekindled it. If you don’t see a future, end it now. Don’t line up another first. You know you’d hate to be treated like that. Judge him in isolation and against what it is you are looking for. If he’s not it, let go. It must have been quite a debt he racked up to be in this situation. I had a chance to rekindle with someone who fundamentally didn’t match up to me to make me feel it would work longer-term. I’d have been carrying us financially, he brought next to nothing with him, and I didn’t want to do it. It told me our values and our attitudes towards responsibilities were different and I’d struggle with him. I worried he’d resent me. It’s ok to like someone but still realise we want someone more in line with ourselves. Let him go x

 

[Peppermint Tea]

Girls I feel like a bit of a twit. Let me try and be succinct. I need some honesty to tell me if I’m being horrible.

Quick recap. The beauts on here got me through a horrid breakup in December 21. Since then I’ve dated some weird and wonderful people, been rejected, bored to tears, you name it. There was one, who I met a year or so ago, who I got on well with but his circumstances I couldn’t get on board with. He had a great job etc but lived at home with his parents and in his 40s, it freaked me out a bit. Transpires he had a bad gambling problem and has screwed up any chance of moving out, basically ever. We stopped dating but stayed in touch and he was quite honest about this with me.

Well we’ve only bloody rekindled haven’t we. I would never berate someone for their circumstances and I don’t care about money etc but it’s a massive red flag isn’t it Nevertheless we’ve had a great time last couple of months and I do actually like him quite a lot, and he’s been proper lovely with me. His gambling stuff has stopped, I know that, BUT I can’t build a bloody life with this guy can I. We’re on totally different paths.

So with this in mind, I’ve been on the apps now and again. I met up with a guy at the weekend (and I feel kinda guilty for doing so, am I being crazy?) he was fun, got his sh*t together and wants to see me again. Am I a total twit if I go on another date with this guy when I am still regularly talking to and seeing the gambler? Or is this just the world of dating? Do I call it off with the gambler just because there’s no way we’d ever actually have a future together, or enjoy it for what it is? Can I see how it pans out with them both, or am I being a huge dick head if I do that?!

Be brutally honest please, I need to hear if I’m being wet or I’m being unfair.

I agree with @Kimmylookatme that whether you’d be being unfair or not depends on what he thinks the relationship status is. If it’s never been discussed and you haven’t made him any promises, then I don’t think you’d be doing anything wrong by going on a date with someone else. He might still be hurt by it though if he likes you a lot.

I don’t believe that living with family while you sort your circumstances out is necessarily a red flag, especially at the moment with the cost of living crisis. But if he has completely wrecked his finances to the extent that he’ll never be able to move out of his parents house, then that’s different & I agree it would make it difficult to build a life with him. That would definitely factor into my decision as to whether I wanted to carry on seeing him, so I don’t think you’re being harsh there.

 

[itsnotmereally]

sprottish, my dude/dudette….

View attachment 1907306

this man had a gambling problem. you refer to him as “the gambler” in your post.

if you enjoy his company then roll with it but i won’t place all your bets on him and i also would go on dates with other people.

I know gambling is serious but this did make me giggle.

 

[xcyber]

Girls I feel like a bit of a twit. Let me try and be succinct. I need some honesty to tell me if I’m being horrible.

Quick recap. The beauts on here got me through a horrid breakup in December 21. Since then I’ve dated some weird and wonderful people, been rejected, bored to tears, you name it. There was one, who I met a year or so ago, who I got on well with but his circumstances I couldn’t get on board with. He had a great job etc but lived at home with his parents and in his 40s, it freaked me out a bit. Transpires he had a bad gambling problem and has screwed up any chance of moving out, basically ever. We stopped dating but stayed in touch and he was quite honest about this with me.

Well we’ve only bloody rekindled haven’t we. I would never berate someone for their circumstances and I don’t care about money etc but it’s a massive red flag isn’t it Nevertheless we’ve had a great time last couple of months and I do actually like him quite a lot, and he’s been proper lovely with me. His gambling stuff has stopped, I know that, BUT I can’t build a bloody life with this guy can I. We’re on totally different paths.

So with this in mind, I’ve been on the apps now and again. I met up with a guy at the weekend (and I feel kinda guilty for doing so, am I being crazy?) he was fun, got his sh*t together and wants to see me again. Am I a total twit if I go on another date with this guy when I am still regularly talking to and seeing the gambler? Or is this just the world of dating? Do I call it off with the gambler just because there’s no way we’d ever actually have a future together, or enjoy it for what it is? Can I see how it pans out with them both, or am I being a huge dick head if I do that?!

Be brutally honest please, I need to hear if I’m being wet or I’m being unfair.

I think the fact that you call him ‘the gambler’ is enough to let you know he’s not the one.

 

[Thank(space)you]

Girls I feel like a bit of a twit. Let me try and be succinct. I need some honesty to tell me if I’m being horrible.

Quick recap. The beauts on here got me through a horrid breakup in December 21. Since then I’ve dated some weird and wonderful people, been rejected, bored to tears, you name it. There was one, who I met a year or so ago, who I got on well with but his circumstances I couldn’t get on board with. He had a great job etc but lived at home with his parents and in his 40s, it freaked me out a bit. Transpires he had a bad gambling problem and has screwed up any chance of moving out, basically ever. We stopped dating but stayed in touch and he was quite honest about this with me.

Well we’ve only bloody rekindled haven’t we. I would never berate someone for their circumstances and I don’t care about money etc but it’s a massive red flag isn’t it Nevertheless we’ve had a great time last couple of months and I do actually like him quite a lot, and he’s been proper lovely with me. His gambling stuff has stopped, I know that, BUT I can’t build a bloody life with this guy can I. We’re on totally different paths.

So with this in mind, I’ve been on the apps now and again. I met up with a guy at the weekend (and I feel kinda guilty for doing so, am I being crazy?) he was fun, got his sh*t together and wants to see me again. Am I a total twit if I go on another date with this guy when I am still regularly talking to and seeing the gambler? Or is this just the world of dating? Do I call it off with the gambler just because there’s no way we’d ever actually have a future together, or enjoy it for what it is? Can I see how it pans out with them both, or am I being a huge dick head if I do that?!

Be brutally honest please, I need to hear if I’m being wet or I’m being unfair.

I don't think you're a twit and think you should be honest with gambler and also go on a date with new guy

 

[Lalla]

I was in a relationship with a 'reformed' gambler. I wouldn't go there again. It's not even the finances (he was solvent again by this time and had cleared his debts) it's that type of addictive, risk taking behaviour - even if they give up gambling they often end up chasing the high with something else...alcohol, drugs, theft or other criminal activity, messaging other women. Basically anything for a thrill and a dopamine hit.

 

[Fledgling Psycho]

Good start. Can't even spell "hello" !

---

And now. Young guy wants mature for company. Sitting in a car with an arrogant face selfie.

 

[mozzarellagirl]

I was in a relationship with a 'reformed' gambler. I wouldn't go there again. It's not even the finances (he was solvent again by this time and had cleared his debts) it's that type of addictive, risk taking behaviour - even if they give up gambling they often end up chasing the high with something else...alcohol, drugs, theft or other criminal activity, messaging other women. Basically anything for a thrill and a dopamine hit.

My sisters ex is a gambler and it destroyed her. He too also fucked about with drugs. I would never date a gambler after watching her try to fix him and convince him to pick her over the highs.

 

[IGiveUp22]

I think if you’re already in an established relationship/marriage & the gambling happens/you find out, I think there’s more of a decision regarding whether you can work through it etc but if you’re wanting someone to spend your life with, I don’t think he is the right person unfortunately. But then it also depends what you want because if you’re not looking for long term/house together/kids etc & you enjoy his company then by all means carry on but I’d also do what others suggested & have that chat about what he thinks is going on between you two.

The ex gambling is a red flag for me, especially as I’m looking more long term. Living at home can’t be a red flag for me as I still do (I am saving a deposit but it’s hard atm on 1 persons wage) but him making excuses to his parents is a bit weird & also I imagine they’re likely panicking he’s out gambling again which is why they’re asking & he’s happily lying to them which again, red flag for me. It doesn’t sound like he’s appreciated what he’s likely put his family through but again I’m just making assumptions.

As others have said, I think you need to work out exactly what you want, if it’s casual then speak to him & make sure you’re on the same page. It would be unfair to him if he thought you were exclusive & you’re off dating others.
If you’re keeping it casual, just look after yourself if you start sleeping with someone else as well as the gambler.
I personally would stop seeing him and go on the date with the other person x

 

[wibblywobblywoo]

I agree with lots of what has been written but want to add do we just write people off who are trying to turn their life around ? Without knowing all the ins and outs of his problem plus the extent of his debt it's quite hard to give to judge the situation but it does seem sad that he's being written off especially at this point in his recovery. Personally I've never been in this situation so I'm not sure how I would react.

 

[IGiveUp22]

I agree with lots of what has been written but want to add do we just write people off who are trying to turn their life around ? Without knowing all the ins and outs of his problem plus the extent of his debt it's quite hard to give to judge the situation but it does seem sad that he's being written off especially at this point in his recovery. Personally I've never been in this situation so I'm not sure how I would react.

It’s tricky isn’t it, because I aren’t the type of person to write someone off if they were trying to turn their life around & I do believe in second chances. Having said that, if it’s someone you’ve only just met/hardly know, that’s a fair amount of baggage. I just think it comes down to how much you think of that person & whether you get the vibe they’re genuinely trying to do better. As I said in my post, the lying to the parents thing although is probably innocent would worry me. But I’m coming from previous experience of being with a pathological liar who manipulated me for money so I wouldn’t take a chance on an ex gambler

 

[xcyber]

I agree with lots of what has been written but want to add do we just write people off who are trying to turn their life around ? Without knowing all the ins and outs of his problem plus the extent of his debt it's quite hard to give to judge the situation but it does seem sad that he's being written off especially at this point in his recovery. Personally I've never been in this situation so I'm not sure how I would react.

It can seem a bit harsh but I think it’s really down to personal choice of what you’re willing to deal with and we shouldn’t be made to feel bad for being selective about what we want from another person. I’m not going to lie I (as someone with no real baggage) would be looking for someone in a similar position. It would just seem like a lot of extra work required and tbh I really would want someone with their tit together. I mean kudos to him for getting himself out of the gambling etc but dating someone with a history of that is frankly too much of a gamble (excuse the pun) for me!

I guess it’s the same for people who don’t want to date someone who has kids or has already been married/widowed etc. Just down to what you’re willing to up with.

 

[theweekend]

Tbh the 'lying' doesn't really concern me, it's an ick that he's answering to his mum at his big age but the reality is he does live at home so will need to explain why he's not coming back at night. I think he's just trying to avoid awkward questions from his parents at this early stage and because "I'm staying with the woman I'm dating tonight" is basically "I'm getting a shag" in so many words.

I just don't think anything about this is a goer. Relationships are financial unions at the end of the day and any potential behavioural issues or financial impact his gambling could have on you aside, is he someone you're going to be able to live comfortably, do nice things and build a life with? No. You'll either be financing his lifestyle or you won't be going anywhere - figuratively and literally . Add in the risk of what can happen when being with someone who has an addiction and I really don't see any point tbh.

 

[bluefootedbooby]

It can seem a bit harsh but I think it’s really down to personal choice of what you’re willing to deal with and we shouldn’t be made to feel bad for being selective about what we want from another person. I’m not going to lie I (as someone with no real baggage) would be looking for someone in a similar position. It would just seem like a lot of extra work required and tbh I really would want someone with their tit together. I mean kudos to him for getting himself out of the gambling etc but dating someone with a history of that is frankly too much of a gamble (excuse the pun) for me!

I guess it’s the same for people who don’t want to date someone who has kids or has already been married/widowed etc. Just down to what you’re willing to up with.

The last two people I dated had 'baggage' and I definitely don't, and now having been burned twice (more fool me) I completely agree.

It's in my nature to try and be understanding, and I've been TOO bleeping UNDERSTANDING. Next guy I'll be looking for better have as much baggage as me - none!

 

[noravera]

I’m new here, I’m 35 and I’m struggling to know where to meet someone, I work in education so pretty much a female occupation! I find all the same issues with online dating, a lot of broken plans and drifting off any ideas? The core of my friends are married and have young children so it’s tricky to get out also, any thoughts?

 

[it’s not been changed?!]

This is so similar most of the chats I’ve had since I’ve been back on the apps. I’m being much harsher this time around, if I’m carrying the conversation and they’re not asking me any questions, I’m unmatching straight away.

I didn’t bother replying to my match as he was boring me. He’s messaged me again tonight asking how I am going to have to be brutal and unmatch him lol

 

[wibblywobblywoo]

I’m new here, I’m 35 and I’m struggling to know where to meet someone, I work in education so pretty much a female occupation! I find all the same issues with online dating, a lot of broken plans and drifting off any ideas? The core of my friends are married and have young children so it’s tricky to get out also, any thoughts?

Sadly I think you've just got to keep trying with the different apps, they are a necessary evil unfortunately if you don't have options to meet people in other ways.

 

[Lalla]

The last two people I dated had 'baggage' and I definitely don't, and now having been burned twice (more fool me) I completely agree.

It's in my nature to try and be understanding, and I've been TOO bleeping UNDERSTANDING. Next guy I'll be looking for better have as much baggage as me - none!

I couldn't agree more! I'm also an understanding person, and it never does me any good. With my Ex I made so many allowances for his many many issues. He never made any for mine.