Dating after lockdown #26 What in the bad episode of Hollyoaks is going on?

[wibblywobblywoo]

Hey tattlers,
Long term lurker here but I had to pop on for some 'advice' and break my silence!
I am recently out of a 3 year relationship and have been thrown into dating post pandemic which even for a 30 year old is scary!
I met this guy on a dating app, we hit it off over texting for a few weeks before meeting up this weekend. We had such a great first date and he really impressed me. I'm not ashamed to say I slept with him on the first date because lord knows I wanted it too but now I am victim to the typical 'he's pulling away phase'.
One text a day (if that) always after 11pm at night and I discovered today that he lied about not being on facebook (because I found him) although he has not been active on it for at least four years but still.
I had such high hopes for just even long term fun, and i'm trying not to get wrapped up in it or let it consume me because i'm certainly not desperate but all the while I keep thinking is it something i said or did?

I would appreciate any advice on how long do you keep this going for? i.e., the minimal contact, with no signs of a potential second date before you either confront it or just cut it off.
I'm one of those people where I'd just rather know if he's not into it and then I don't need to try and second guess but I also respect myself too much to chase him.

I knew what I was doing to myself when I slept with him... emotional attachment etc but why lie about being on facebook, why the minimal contact and why is it is so complicated these days?

I know you might say he's just not the one, which I agree with but he is a good one to help me through this break up lol I'd like to see it go on a bit longer even if it is just for the rebound.

Thanks!!

Sounds to me like one of those situations where you take back control rather than waiting for him to decide your life for you ! Send him a message laying out your terms, " you had a great evening, enjoyed his company and would love to see him again on the basis of x y z" . If he responds back you will hopefully have your answer but if he ignores, which sadly seems to be the norm these days as they move on very quickly, that will be your answer too.

 

[mozzarellagirl]

Thing is, nearly all relationships end, it's very rare a couple stays together until death these days. So all these good blokes are bound to come back on the market sooner or later

I read somewhere once (I think it might be in that book I recommended about attachment styles) that it's like an endless rotation of good men being in relationships, briefly being single before being snapped up again. Rinse and repeat. I read it like 🫠 So essentially they are never available lol

Hey tattlers,
Long term lurker here but I had to pop on for some 'advice' and break my silence!
I am recently out of a 3 year relationship and have been thrown into dating post pandemic which even for a 30 year old is scary!
I met this guy on a dating app, we hit it off over texting for a few weeks before meeting up this weekend. We had such a great first date and he really impressed me. I'm not ashamed to say I slept with him on the first date because lord knows I wanted it too but now I am victim to the typical 'he's pulling away phase'.
One text a day (if that) always after 11pm at night and I discovered today that he lied about not being on facebook (because I found him) although he has not been active on it for at least four years but still.
I had such high hopes for just even long term fun, and i'm trying not to get wrapped up in it or let it consume me because i'm certainly not desperate but all the while I keep thinking is it something i said or did?

I would appreciate any advice on how long do you keep this going for? i.e., the minimal contact, with no signs of a potential second date before you either confront it or just cut it off.
I'm one of those people where I'd just rather know if he's not into it and then I don't need to try and second guess but I also respect myself too much to chase him.

I knew what I was doing to myself when I slept with him... emotional attachment etc but why lie about being on facebook, why the minimal contact and why is it is so complicated these days?

I know you might say he's just not the one, which I agree with but he is a good one to help me through this break up lol I'd like to see it go on a bit longer even if it is just for the rebound.

Thanks!!

I have learnt the hard way that men who only reply to you when they're alone, lonely in bed at night, do not care for you.

Whatever energy they give you in the beginning is the best it's gonna get. Sack him off asap. And sack off whoever else does it next.

 

[xcyber]

Sadly I think you’re right. I feel like all the good ones have been snapped up & I’ve been left on the shelf like a yellow sticker item! I spent most of my twenties too ill to date, and now I’m in my thirties I feel like there’s no-one left for me. Feeling very down at the moment, probably because I’m back on the apps. They always make me feel this way, but I feel like I need to be on them as the chances of meeting someone any other way seem very slim.

If it makes you feel any better I was pretty much single for 34 years before meeting my bf who is amazing. So I’m very glad I waited and didn’t settle. Stay hopeful!

 

[timtams]

I love this guy so much, I found this video so validating after online dating for a couple of months in November and December and then needing to take time off because nothing went anywhere. I think it definitely triggers the rejection response for me hard, especially because I was using Bumble and a lot of the guys don’t even write back to the first message:

 

[harveydean]

Morning lovely ladies! For those who remember me, I’ve been with my guy for 3 months now. It’s lovely and communication is great, and I feel safe and secure (so I thought) BUT tell me this…why the duck, as an overtly confident, successful business woman, single mother and independent human, do I trawl his Instagram at night looking at his exes?

Seriously, wtf is wrong with me?!

Im not even on social media, so I’ve had to make a fake account to do this. It’s actually pathetic and I’m laughing/crying at myself as I’m typing this out.

I’m not blowing my own trumpet, but I’m conventionally attractive and like to think I’ve got my tit together 99% of the time, but obviously not right now. None of these women are jaw dropping or anything, so why am I obsessed with them?

Im wondering if it’s because he used to be so vocal about his feelings, and now we’re getting comfy?

How do you get through this? It’s absolutely ridiculous and it’s really getting me down.

Even talking about it makes me feel so vulnerable…

 

[wibblywobblywoo]

Morning lovely ladies! For those who remember me, I’ve been with my guy for 3 months now. It’s lovely and communication is great, and I feel safe and secure (so I thought) BUT tell me this…why the duck, as an overtly confident, successful business woman, single mother and independent human, do I trawl his Instagram at night looking at his exes?

Seriously, wtf is wrong with me?!

Im not even on social media, so I’ve had to make a fake account to do this. It’s actually pathetic and I’m laughing/crying at myself as I’m typing this out.

I’m not blowing my own trumpet, but I’m conventionally attractive and like to think I’ve got my tit together 99% of the time, but obviously not right now. None of these women are jaw dropping or anything, so why am I obsessed with them?

Im wondering if it’s because he used to be so vocal about his feelings, and now we’re getting comfy?

How do you get through this? It’s absolutely ridiculous and it’s really getting me down.

Even talking about it makes me feel so vulnerable…

It's very sad that you have summarised your whole relationship with him as being based on how good looking you perceive yourself to be ...surely that's not the only reason he is with you?

 

[harveydean]

It's very sad that you have summarised your whole relationship with him as being based on how good looking you precieve yourself to be ...surely that's not the only reason he is with you?

Oooh that’s a touchy point which I never thought of Thank you for pointing that out!

 

[wibblywobblywoo]

Oooh that’s a touchy point which I never thought of Thank you for pointing that out!

I think you have to give him credit for being with you more for you than just a pretty face. And remember beauty is in the eye of the beholder...to him all his exs may have been stunning but he's not with them he's with you. And if things are going a bit stale what's stopping you spicing them back up ? Remind him how amazing you are and put that spark back!

 

[LaBlonde]

It's very sad that you have summarised your whole relationship with him as being based on how good looking you perceive yourself to be ...surely that's not the only reason he is with you?

i was trying to think how to say this. it is interesting harvey that you perceive your relationship based on how good looking you are, like wibbles says, and then dismiss these women because “they’re not jaw dropping or anything”.

honestly, delete the account and delete the insta app. you’re gaining nothing from this beyond torturing yourself and making yourself feel bad. they may not be as good looking as you but they’re his exes for a reason, you’re the one he’s with now, you can’t move forward with him if you’re always keeping one eye on his past

 

[harveydean]

i was trying to think how to say this. it is interesting harvey that you perceive your relationship based on how good looking you are, like wibbles says, and then dismiss these women because “they’re not jaw dropping or anything”.

honestly, delete the account and delete the insta app. you’re gaining nothing from this beyond torturing yourself and making yourself feel bad. they may not be as good looking as you but they’re his exes for a reason, you’re the one he’s with now, you can’t move forward with him if you’re always keeping one eye on his past

This is what I needed to hear ladies! Thank you for your honesty

ETA deleted my account.

Also ETA I know I sounded a complete vacant witch - I’m really not usually, I’m just having a wobble. I’m sure they’re all amazing women in their own right and I shouldn’t judge anyone on their looks. It’s a really nasty thing to do and not something I would allow my children to do.

 

[D2them]

Morning lovely ladies! For those who remember me, I’ve been with my guy for 3 months now. It’s lovely and communication is great, and I feel safe and secure (so I thought) BUT tell me this…why the duck, as an overtly confident, successful business woman, single mother and independent human, do I trawl his Instagram at night looking at his exes?

Seriously, wtf is wrong with me?!

Im not even on social media, so I’ve had to make a fake account to do this. It’s actually pathetic and I’m laughing/crying at myself as I’m typing this out.

I’m not blowing my own trumpet, but I’m conventionally attractive and like to think I’ve got my tit together 99% of the time, but obviously not right now. None of these women are jaw dropping or anything, so why am I obsessed with them?

Im wondering if it’s because he used to be so vocal about his feelings, and now we’re getting comfy?

How do you get through this? It’s absolutely ridiculous and it’s really getting me down.

Even talking about it makes me feel so vulnerable…
[/QUOTE]

I love you Harvey and I've been following your journey with your new man with absolute joy for you, but this grated on me. You're more than a good looking woman and we've enough to deal with than competing for a man and pitting ourselves against each other based on attractiveness. He's with you for more than your looks. Put social media down and focus on the here and now.

 

[LaBlonde]

I love you Harvey and I've been following your journey with your new man with absolute joy for you, but this grated on me. You're more than a good looking woman and we've enough to deal with than competing for a man and pitting ourselves against each other based on attractiveness. He's with you for more than your looks. Put social media down and focus on the here and now.

social media has a lot to answer for in so many ways, in particular the impact it has on our self esteem and how easy it is for us to basically go and look through a scrapbook of a new partner’s “life before us”. as a not particularly attractive person, it does make me sad to think of someone looking at photos of me with an hypothetical ex and being like pppff she’s nothing special (no comment on harvey, just in general). we’re all in this together and it’s hard enough without, like you say, putting ourselves against each other based on perceived attractiveness. that’s a slippery slope that ends nowhere good.

 

[harveydean]

Morning lovely ladies! For those who remember me, I’ve been with my guy for 3 months now. It’s lovely and communication is great, and I feel safe and secure (so I thought) BUT tell me this…why the duck, as an overtly confident, successful business woman, single mother and independent human, do I trawl his Instagram at night looking at his exes?

Seriously, wtf is wrong with me?!

Im not even on social media, so I’ve had to make a fake account to do this. It’s actually pathetic and I’m laughing/crying at myself as I’m typing this out.

I’m not blowing my own trumpet, but I’m conventionally attractive and like to think I’ve got my tit together 99% of the time, but obviously not right now. None of these women are jaw dropping or anything, so why am I obsessed with them?

Im wondering if it’s because he used to be so vocal about his feelings, and now we’re getting comfy?

How do you get through this? It’s absolutely ridiculous and it’s really getting me down.

Even talking about it makes me feel so vulnerable…

I love you Harvey and I've been following your journey with your new man with absolute joy for you, but this grated on me. You're more than a good looking woman and we've enough to deal with than competing for a man and pitting ourselves against each other based on attractiveness. He's with you for more than your looks. Put social media down and focus on the here and now.
[/QUOTE]

social media has a lot to answer for in so many ways, in particular the impact it has on our self esteem and how easy it is for us to basically go and look through a scrapbook of a new partner’s “life before us”. as a not particularly attractive person, it does make me sad to think of someone looking at photos of me with an hypothetical ex and being like pppff she’s nothing special (no comment on harvey, just in general). we’re all in this together and it’s hard enough without, like you say, putting ourselves against each other based on perceived attractiveness. that’s a slippery slope that ends nowhere good.

I’ve been reflecting on this all morning, and the insecurity actually comes from elsewhere. They were all younger (I’m late 40s) and also I’m such a high achiever that my subconscious tells me that these women were more successful/fun/fertile (!) than me.

Please don’t think I sit there thinking I’m better looking - I don’t - but I’m very different to his usual type (different hair, skin tone etc) which threw me - I’ve been told all the guys I date look the same!

Thanks again for your input - I love the honesty which is what I need to hear…

 

[it’s not been changed?!]

I’m currently entertaining the most driest chat ever.

“What do you do?” I reply and ask a few questions back.
He replies with one answer and then asks where I’m from?

why is it so hard to find a conversation where you bounce off each other?! Sometimes it’s like an interview ffs

 

[boomska]

Oh lovely I’m sorry things have been tit on the man front. As a single 33 year old who has no luck with me I hear you!!

Try doing some reading, attachment styles is a good thing to read up on as well as relationship anxiety. Try not to resolve your problems with validation from a man, ultimately it is your validation of yourself that matters. Invest time intoyou and what makes you tick.

Wishing you all the best, look after yourself and keep in touch we can look out for each other!! Xx

Thank you!! I’m going to do a lot more work on myself! Xx

---

Oh Boomska,

First, the apology text was fine. Following up with the other text was never going to get a response. It’s something we’ve all done and it’s something we all have to learn not for do. Neither is kicking off at a duck buddy because they’re in a relationship. That wasn’t anything to do with you - he didn’t owe you staying single. And I know it hurts when it feels like they’ve picked someone else but the simple fact is you wouldn’t have even come into his equation when he met someone. I’m not judging you for wanting to stand up for yourself, that’s admirable. But I think we all need to remember that a load of chatting on WhatsApp and a couple of dates rarely creates the emotional connection we think it does and so if we put ourselves into a situation where we then look back with shame at how we handled something, it’s only yourself you’re hurting. Don’t invest in people more energy than they’re investing in you.

Secondly, you’re right that self-love is what you need to work on. That doesn’t mean don’t date etc at the same time. Being in a positive frame of mind makes all the difference especially if you’re rejection sensitive. If therapy is an option for you, you might find that’s a safe space to work some of this stuff out for yourself too. Go for people-centred - if you can talk about things now and have the right therapist, they’ll be able to help you figure out what from your past is triggering these reactions and thoughts and give you tools and tasks to change the way you react.

32 may seem really old but it’s not. I started my life all over again at 33. To stop the intrusive thoughts, the first thing I’d say to do is when you start to think negatively or worst case scenario, try to catch yourself and switch to the best case. Ultimately when it comes to dating, unless you do something awful, rejection isn’t usually about you at all and learning to brush stuff off helps.

If you want to find someone who treats you how you want to be treated, you have to treat yourself how you’d want to be treated first. I wish there were magic words to help you.

We all make mistakes - don’t get me wrong, I’m not perfect. I spent a year wasting my time with a man who shouldn’t have been given any of it.

But I reframe it to myself as remembering the fun we did have, that he taught me certain things about myself, and that I now know that if someone can’t understand the way I talk or express myself, they’re not the right one. And I actively look for whether I feel listened to now. It’s not easy, he would absolutely have been it for me, but he has to much self-loathing to be able to offer anyone anything.

Have you been able to? Do something kind to yourself everyday this week xx

Oh Boomska,

First, the apology text was fine. Following up with the other text was never going to get a response. It’s something we’ve all done and it’s something we all have to learn not for do. Neither is kicking off at a duck buddy because they’re in a relationship. That wasn’t anything to do with you - he didn’t owe you staying single. And I know it hurts when it feels like they’ve picked someone else but the simple fact is you wouldn’t have even come into his equation when he met someone. I’m not judging you for wanting to stand up for yourself, that’s admirable. But I think we all need to remember that a load of chatting on WhatsApp and a couple of dates rarely creates the emotional connection we think it does and so if we put ourselves into a situation where we then look back with shame at how we handled something, it’s only yourself you’re hurting. Don’t invest in people more energy than they’re investing in you.

Secondly, you’re right that self-love is what you need to work on. That doesn’t mean don’t date etc at the same time. Being in a positive frame of mind makes all the difference especially if you’re rejection sensitive. If therapy is an option for you, you might find that’s a safe space to work some of this stuff out for yourself too. Go for people-centred - if you can talk about things now and have the right therapist, they’ll be able to help you figure out what from your past is triggering these reactions and thoughts and give you tools and tasks to change the way you react.

32 may seem really old but it’s not. I started my life all over again at 33. To stop the intrusive thoughts, the first thing I’d say to do is when you start to think negatively or worst case scenario, try to catch yourself and switch to the best case. Ultimately when it comes to dating, unless you do something awful, rejection isn’t usually about you at all and learning to brush stuff off helps.

If you want to find someone who treats you how you want to be treated, you have to treat yourself how you’d want to be treated first. I wish there were magic words to help you.

We all make mistakes - don’t get me wrong, I’m not perfect. I spent a year wasting my time with a man who shouldn’t have been given any of it.

But I reframe it to myself as remembering the fun we did have, that he taught me certain things about myself, and that I now know that if someone can’t understand the way I talk or express myself, they’re not the right one. And I actively look for whether I feel listened to now. It’s not easy, he would absolutely have been it for me, but he has to much self-loathing to be able to offer anyone anything.

When we act as if we are desperate for validation, people devalue us in their minds. It works that way for everyone but it can definitely be broken.

Do something kind to yourself everyday this week xx

Awww this was such a lovely post!! thank you so much!!

I’ve been in therapy for 3 years and done a lot of work on myself so I’m just taking this as a blip to be honest!

When we act as if we are desperate for validation, people devalue us in their minds. It works that way for everyone but it can definitely be broken. << I LOVE this. It’s such a good reminder!!

Thank you

 

[Sandor]

Thank you!! I’m going to do a lot more work on myself! Xx

---



Awww this was such a lovely post!! thank you so much!!

I’ve been in therapy for 3 years and done a lot of work on myself so I’m just taking this as a blip to be honest!

When we act as if we are desperate for validation, people devalue us in their minds. It works that way for everyone but it can definitely be broken. << I LOVE this. It’s such a good reminder!!

Thank you

We’re all allowed blips! I’m no stranger to the I’m going to tell you all my feelings and how annoyed I am you’ve hurt me rants. I don’t think there’s a human alive that hasn’t. And I think there’s times too when we are all more fragile and vulnerable. And I get it rejection plus not being able to get any from an old reliable would tip anyone over!

Like I said, just take care of your lovely self and nourish how you need to!

 

[Peppermint Tea]

I’m currently entertaining the most driest chat ever.

“What do you do?” I reply and ask a few questions back.
He replies with one answer and then asks where I’m from?

why is it so hard to find a conversation where you bounce off each other?! Sometimes it’s like an interview ffs

This is so similar most of the chats I’ve had since I’ve been back on the apps. I’m being much harsher this time around, if I’m carrying the conversation and they’re not asking me any questions, I’m unmatching straight away.

 

[Sprottish]

Girls I feel like a bit of a twit. Let me try and be succinct. I need some honesty to tell me if I’m being horrible.

Quick recap. The beauts on here got me through a horrid breakup in December 21. Since then I’ve dated some weird and wonderful people, been rejected, bored to tears, you name it. There was one, who I met a year or so ago, who I got on well with but his circumstances I couldn’t get on board with. He had a great job etc but lived at home with his parents and in his 40s, it freaked me out a bit. Transpires he had a bad gambling problem and has screwed up any chance of moving out, basically ever. We stopped dating but stayed in touch and he was quite honest about this with me.

Well we’ve only bloody rekindled haven’t we. I would never berate someone for their circumstances and I don’t care about money etc but it’s a massive red flag isn’t it Nevertheless we’ve had a great time last couple of months and I do actually like him quite a lot, and he’s been proper lovely with me. His gambling stuff has stopped, I know that, BUT I can’t build a bloody life with this guy can I. We’re on totally different paths.

So with this in mind, I’ve been on the apps now and again. I met up with a guy at the weekend (and I feel kinda guilty for doing so, am I being crazy?) he was fun, got his sh*t together and wants to see me again. Am I a total twit if I go on another date with this guy when I am still regularly talking to and seeing the gambler? Or is this just the world of dating? Do I call it off with the gambler just because there’s no way we’d ever actually have a future together, or enjoy it for what it is? Can I see how it pans out with them both, or am I being a huge dick head if I do that?!

Be brutally honest please, I need to hear if I’m being wet or I’m being unfair.

 

[Kimmylookatme]

Girls I feel like a bit of a twit. Let me try and be succinct. I need some honesty to tell me if I’m being horrible.

Quick recap. The beauts on here got me through a horrid breakup in December 21. Since then I’ve dated some weird and wonderful people, been rejected, bored to tears, you name it. There was one, who I met a year or so ago, who I got on well with but his circumstances I couldn’t get on board with. He had a great job etc but lived at home with his parents and in his 40s, it freaked me out a bit. Transpires he had a bad gambling problem and has screwed up any chance of moving out, basically ever. We stopped dating but stayed in touch and he was quite honest about this with me.

Well we’ve only bloody rekindled haven’t we. I would never berate someone for their circumstances and I don’t care about money etc but it’s a massive red flag isn’t it Nevertheless we’ve had a great time last couple of months and I do actually like him quite a lot, and he’s been proper lovely with me. His gambling stuff has stopped, I know that, BUT I can’t build a bloody life with this guy can I. We’re on totally different paths.

So with this in mind, I’ve been on the apps now and again. I met up with a guy at the weekend (and I feel kinda guilty for doing so, am I being crazy?) he was fun, got his sh*t together and wants to see me again. Am I a total twit if I go on another date with this guy when I am still regularly talking to and seeing the gambler? Or is this just the world of dating? Do I call it off with the gambler just because there’s no way we’d ever actually have a future together, or enjoy it for what it is? Can I see how it pans out with them both, or am I being a huge dick head if I do that?!

Be brutally honest please, I need to hear if I’m being wet or I’m being unfair.

What does ex-gambler think the status between you guys is at the moment?
think it all hinges on that really, if he thinks you guys are exclusive then I think you have to make the hard decision whether or not you want to carry on with him or explore something potentially more long term with the other guy. If he knows it’s just casual dating and you’re both on the same page then no harm trying a date with the other one?

 

[Sprottish]

What does ex-gambler think the status between you guys is at the moment?
think it all hinges on that really

Never been discussed. We’ve been back in touch properly maybe 2 months. We don’t make big plans but we go out together regularly, he comes to mine, we’re sleeping together. He took me out for my birthday and got me presents etc…I know he doesn’t tell his family about me (because he texts his mum when he stays over with a made up excuse HAHAHA oh my god is he 14 or is he 42?) but I would also not in my dreams tell mine about him so…I guess it’s just casual dating?!
Even this is giving me some clarity so thank you!