I just want to give you a hug, and a voucher for your kids to go on residential while you either get shitfaced or write your unwritten novel. I'm sorry, it must be so tough. I do genuinely think many, many women feel in a similar way to you though (my boss used to confide in me when we were alone in office or whatever almost word for word the kind of things you've said) - you're just ships in the night as no woman can admit out loud 'I adore my kids, I love my kids, I would die for my kids, but it's not all it's cracked up to be and if I had my time again I might not bother' without risk of judgement. Not here though, in the eyrie of the barren
By Kodak moments, what do you mean if you don't mind me asking? I know it means a sort of picture perfect moment, but did you move towards having children because it was the 'done' thing and your friends / peer group started having families? Sorry if that's too personal. I come from a background where children are very much expected and a sort of additional pressure is also exerted, not on purpose of course, via social media photos, everyone you know having kids etc (etc) in friendship groups and wider peer group.
I would also like to share a quote I found very inspiring while idly watching 101 Dalmatians (the nineties live action one). Cruella is rolling her eyes at Anita being all dreamboat about meeting a fella one day and the impact it will have on her creative trajectory and comes out with this gem (for our godless age of course take 'getting married' as an all round umbrella term for 'having partner and kids' etc). I know that she is a puppy strangler but I am genuinely thinking of getting this framed:
Cruella De Vil : [to Anita] More good women have been lost to marriage than to war, famine, disease and disaster. You have talent, darling. Don't squander it.
Oh ffs tattle merged that Cruella post above with the previous one I wrote. It was meant to be a separate post. I'm really sorry
@Pixipoppy , that comes across as right insensitive when combined with my earlier post. Genuinely not making light of your situation
(As a coda to Cruella quote though, there does need to be more recognition of women having to essentially grieve their former or lost self as it were and how much you give up, whether time, creativity, career etc and that should be taken seriously. And recognised that feeling that way doesn't detract from motherhood and love for children)
oh no my posts just keep merging in one yugeee post! This is so weird. I better not type anything else again ever and just sit on my hands