Childfree by Choice #2

Status
Thread locked. We start a new thread when they have over 1000 posts, click the blue button to see all threads for this topic and find the latest open thread.
New to Tattle Life? Click "Order Thread by Most Liked Posts" button below to get an idea of what the site is about:
What annoys me, and I’m probably going to get shot for this, is this idea that a child free persons spare time is not as valuable as someone who has chosen to have children.
 
  • Like
  • Heart
Reactions: 51
What annoys me, and I’m probably going to get shot for this, is this idea that a child free persons spare time is not as valuable as someone who has chosen to have children.
Apparently it's because we spend all our weekends relaxing on cloud nine and diving into pools filled with £20 notes from our disposable income, like Scrooge McDuck. (Of course though that's all just a pathetic attempt to fill up our time and cover up the gnawing hollowness of our childless wombs, sad half women that we are.)


Seriously though, completely agree, and it pecks my head in. It really stems from this subconscious (or even openly expressed) idea that if you don't have children you have oodles of free time and the free time AND booked up time you do have is simply not as valuable as their time. Argh.
 
  • Like
  • Heart
Reactions: 32
Apparently it's because we spend all our weekends relaxing on cloud nine and diving into pools filled with £20 notes from our disposable income, like Scrooge McDuck. (Of course though that's all just a pathetic attempt to fill up our time and cover up the gnawing hollowness of our childless wombs, sad half women that we are.)


Seriously though, completely agree, and it pecks my head in. It really stems from this subconscious (or even openly expressed) idea that if you don't have children you have oodles of free time and the free time AND booked up time you do have is simply not as valuable as their time. Argh.
This post reminded me of when a woman I worked with asked if I had kids (fine) I said no and she asked why (not fine) and I said I didn't want them, she said oh I used to be like that, all I cared about was handbags and hot holidays until I had my kids. I don't use a handbag and I don't go abroad for holidays... my other colleague at the time had 2 kids, pregnant with anthers and went on two foreign holidays a year and had LOTS of designer handbags, all with their own matching pair of designer shoes!

All parents don't give up their lives and handbags, all childfree people don't want designer-packed hedonistic lifestyles!
 
  • Like
  • Heart
Reactions: 23
I've never wanted children. I found out in my mid twenties that I probably couldn't have them either, due to past illness and present endometriosis, which is a complete turnip of a condition and I hate it, but that's another topic. I felt genuinely relieved to find out in a way, gives me a good excuse although frankly being the unmaternal monstrosity I am I never had any urge. I never played with dolls, never played weddings, talk of future husbands and which Boyzone member I was meant to fancy (really putting an age on myself here) bored me to tears. I've never looked at a baby and felt a 'I want one of those' kick in. I feel selfishly free of the panic my friends and peers are experiencing shacked up with twunts and hanging all their baby hopes on some eejit of a bloke who spends all his evenings on PlayStation 4, or some bloke that doesn't even exist in their lives yet.

I do like to use my condition to try and take a bullet for my childless-not-by-choice / infertile sisters tho. When someone wades in (usually a guy) reminding me that I better get a move on since I am turning into a dessicated, geriatric husk by hour, or someone at work pointedly talks about how awful it must be not to have kids and / or makes a sad concern noise (usually a woman) when I say I don't have any children, I like to act like a complete dick and pretend to be really upset-angry that they've asked that since I am (most likely) infertile, and can't have kids (which is true), and you don't know asking a woman that if it's a very sensitive issue for her and something you shouldn't ask them unless they volunteer the info themselves (also true, just not in my case). Secretly of course I don't give a monkeys, but I do it in case it might put them off asking another woman in future for whom it is a deeply sensitive subject and is infertile / struggling conceiving. I've terrorised a few twats in this way. I know, I'm basically Mother Teresa 😇

Screw the patriarchy. No one should judge you for not having children, or make assumptions or make you justify it if you want kids but can't. I am deeply sympathetic to how women are treated in this way. It's such a crappy thing to judge women on - and to bring up publicly, like women are just wombs on legs, and if they are not visibly having kids there is something wrong with them, or they are 'failing' in some obscure social duty or sense of womanhood. It's not bloody Gilead. You're not special because you've managed to have kids. No one has any right to look down their nose at people who can't (or just won't). Women are people, not just babymakers.

Edit: I mean the faux-concerned questioning of 'why don't you have kids/you poor thing/have you tried these vitamins and hanging from your head upside down to conceive? Worked for my auntie!', not a perfectly normal 'do you have kids y/n' type question, I obv don't go batshit over that. Just to clarify 🤣
 
Last edited:
  • Like
  • Heart
Reactions: 33
When someone wades in (usually a guy) reminding me that I better get a move on since I am turning into a dessicated, geriatric husk by hour, or someone at work pointedly talks about how awful it must be not to have kids and / or makes a sad concern noise (usually a woman) when I say I don't have any children
What is it with people who think that not having kids makes you miserable?

I sincerely do not understand how having more money, more time and a stress free life is considered worse.
 
  • Like
Reactions: 29
I'm childfree by choice too, always have been.

One thing that really upsets me is people asking 'but who will look after you when you're old?!'.

First it's a rude question and having a child does not guarantee they'd want to or have to do that - they might have moved to Australia or completely fallen out with you or simply not want to - the possibilities are endless. Having a child in the hope they'll look after you would be SO SELFISH.

Second, thanks for the reminder as yes I'm worried enough about that at the back of my mind to be honest. There are so many horror stories of awful nursing homes and home carers taking advantage of frail old people or neglecting/abusing them. I have friends sorting out care for their own elderly parents now, and without them being their voice and sorting out issues, the elderly parents would be really suffering. When me and my husband are old it'll just be us as we have no siblings or extended family. I'm just hoping we eventually make younger friends or have kind neighbours who'll check in on us, and when one of us dies then the other hopefully won't be far behind!
This is slightly off topic so I'll put in a spoiler but also useful considerations for those of us who are childfree going into the future:
I work adjacent to social care in an independent role. All I can say is have alllll your wishes and preferences written down and done officially - Advanced Decisions etc. It is never too early to do this (I say this, and I haven't done it). I had a case with a man in his 40s that was a mess because of course he had never spoken to his wife about this issue because why would you? I felt like I was prying asking if he had ever made comments about storylines on TV dramas where serious accidents etc happen.
Anyway.
Yes.
There are a few routes to obtain an independent advocate as we start to lose our capacity or have increased needs that reduce decision making abilities or make it harder for us to be heard. Advocates are legislated under the Mental Health, Mental Capacity and Care Act and the requirements for when you can access them differ but they are there.
You could always make an agreement with your husband that should one of you need representation that there is a request an independent advocate instead of one of you. Takes a bit of pressure off you as family to sort tit out and allows someone with the background in legislation/contacts etc to fight your corner if things go tits up. Advocates can be in contact with family and work together if the aims of the family align with the aims of the person being represented. TBH even if I had kids I would request an independent advocate because some people have their children allocated as their reps and they just duck it up and do what they want, not what their parents would want.
 
  • Like
  • Heart
Reactions: 10
What is it with people who think that not having kids makes you miserable?

I sincerely do not understand how having more money, more time and a stress free life is considered worse.
This is why I struggle a bit with the terms used for people (but mainly women …) who don’t have kids. I am not ‘childless’ - I don’t feel that I’ve lost anything. I understand that term needs to exist as there may be women who do feel a loss in not having kids, and they may be in a situation where they haven’t been able to make that choice not to have kids. But I don’t like that term being used across all women who do’t have kids, for the reason stated above.

I also am not 100% keen on ‘childfree’ as I think it plays into the narrative of ‘no kids, therefore you are footloose and irresponsible, caring only about yourself and money’. ‘Childfree‘ always makes me feel like I should be on a tropical beach with a full face of make-up, wearing a garish muumuu as I sip cocktails and regale strangers with stories of my wild and misspent youth.

I honestly don’t know what I would like to be called - why not just my name, but apparently everyone needs a label … - but neither childless or childfree really work for me.
 
  • Like
  • Heart
Reactions: 10
What is it with people who think that not having kids makes you miserable?

I sincerely do not understand how having more money, more time and a stress free life is considered worse.
Yeah I don’t get it…. The most miserable people I know have kids. They’re the ones who always seem low key depressed and resentful of their life choices tbh.
 
  • Like
Reactions: 13
I have disowned my parents so they're getting jack tit from me in their dotage. I am rewarding them for their brilliant parenting thus far.
 
  • Heart
  • Like
Reactions: 12
Agree, I know not all parents are like this and in many cases children do bring joy and fulfillment to people - but you do get the vibe with some that they're resentful of you or want praise heaped on them for being such a martyr and, well, just doing their job as a parent!
 
  • Like
Reactions: 8
Someone I know is having a baby, she’s 19, and she’s so so lazy and I can’t see her coping well at all. She’s excited now, but I think her visions are unrealistic because her friend who is a mum palms the kid off to the grandad all the time… things might be different, but I can’t see it.

I think half the problem is social media. So many people make having a baby/child look amazing and like it’s so easy and rewarding, they don’t show you that the majority of the time it’s hard work and unfulfilling… I think people get unrealistic ideas.

I used to want children, until I worked with them and now I’m not a fan of kids at all.
 
  • Like
Reactions: 14
My friend had a baby yesterday - she has just shared her birth story, including being 8 days overdue, having some kind of balloon contraption rammed up her vag, being left inflated like a beach ball for 24 hours and then shoving a sprog out that weighs 10lb.
Why the hell would anyone want to do that!!!!!!!
 
  • Like
  • Sick
  • Wow
Reactions: 25
The thing is, I would like to have a kid.

but.

I also know I’d be totally on my own with it - my husband and I have struggled enough and we have no social capital who could help in anyway, I’m talking about helping babysit once in a blue moon. Our lives would be over, and I’ve still got loads of living to do. I’d be lying if I said I don’t worry about it though. You worrying about being lonely. I have a wonderful rescue dog but to be honest he is enough!!

and there is the fact everything tries at least to cater for ‘families’. Everything from social policies to employment legislation. I consider myself, my husband and my dog to be a family but society doesn’t.

I’ve lost count of past experiences of people demanding special treatment in the work place because they have chosen to have kids.

I am sort of relieved there are other people out there like me, who don’t have kids because of practicalities or they just don’t want to give up living!

And I cannot stand the sounds babies and toddler make, the shrieking. I much prefer kids over the age of five lol.
 
  • Like
  • Heart
Reactions: 14
This is what annoys me:
I apparently don't have any commitments outside work because I'm child free and colleagues who have decided to have children seek to get a pass for anything because they have kids.
I do quite a bit of evening events and my boss doesn't simply because she has to take her daughter swimming.

Don't people realise they chose to have kids. It's a life style choice they decided.

I get bored of people openly moaning about having kids and how tough it is. I'm not interested. You made a life choice stop enjoying being a martyr. I am sooooo bored of seeing it everywhere on TV, the media, colleagues how absolutely god awful parenthood is by people who have 3 kids.

Friends who are bored of being at-home with a newborn but then want more kids.

Babies are simply boring.

I don't like strangers babies or kids why should I. Please don't pass me your baby, I don't want to be sicked on or drop it by accident.

Somehow I am lucky for making the sensible choice to not to have kids.

We're overpopulated so stop having kids.

Having just my husband and me is enough. We didn't get married because I was desperate for motherhood we actually like each other. I've seen so many friends have kids with shady useless men then moan but really they used him as a sperm donor and then it all goes wrong.
 
  • Like
  • Heart
Reactions: 24
I've seen so many friends have kids with shady useless men then moan but really they used him as a sperm donor and then it all goes wrong.
This is something that a lot of women refuse to acknowledge. Instead your hear "I thought that he would change" or " I knew that he didn't want the baby but I thought that he would be more responsible".
 
  • Like
Reactions: 11
The thing that annoys me about the ‘time’ thing as well is it’s not like people who have no kids always have endless time…yeah some do, and that’s great. For me to have time for a child I would have to either massively reduce my work hours or literally change job (my industry loses a lot of women when they become mothers because it’s very intense and not really that compatible with having children, it’s a well documented phenomenon) I know so many parents who are always moaning about how they don’t have time or have no money since they have kids and it always makes me think why is it so bad now to just accept that maybe you don’t have the time or the money to afford a child? I don’t really have much sympathy because its something you should consider before you have a baby IMO. I would rather not have any kids than be one of these part time parents who constantly ships their kids off to family members or childcare. I just don’t see the point in having a child that you don’t actually want to raise, kids aren’t toys.
 
  • Like
  • Heart
Reactions: 18
The thing that annoys me about the ‘time’ thing as well is it’s not like people who have no kids always have endless time…yeah some do, and that’s great. For me to have time for a child I would have to either massively reduce my work hours or literally change job (my industry loses a lot of women when they become mothers because it’s very intense and not really that compatible with having children, it’s a well documented phenomenon) I know so many parents who are always moaning about how they don’t have time or have no money since they have kids and it always makes me think why is it so bad now to just accept that maybe you don’t have the time or the money to afford a child? I don’t really have much sympathy because its something you should consider before you have a baby IMO. I would rather not have any kids than be one of these part time parents who constantly ships their kids off to family members or childcare. I just don’t see the point in having a child that you don’t actually want to raise, kids aren’t toys.
I genuinely cannot understand how anyone in a two parent household working full time has anywhere near adequate time to look after a child. I have a mix of working from home and being on site and even on my WFH days it's basically: cook dinner, fuss pets, do a little tidying, catch up on social stuff and before I know it I consider it's time for my husband and I to get into bed for a massage, telly, cuddle or a shag.
I cannot imagine fitting a whole other human's needs into that time without something else suffering and going to tit (my mental health most likely)
 
  • Like
  • Heart
Reactions: 19
The thing that annoys me about the ‘time’ thing as well is it’s not like people who have no kids always have endless time…yeah some do, and that’s great. For me to have time for a child I would have to either massively reduce my work hours or literally change job (my industry loses a lot of women when they become mothers because it’s very intense and not really that compatible with having children, it’s a well documented phenomenon) I know so many parents who are always moaning about how they don’t have time or have no money since they have kids and it always makes me think why is it so bad now to just accept that maybe you don’t have the time or the money to afford a child? I don’t really have much sympathy because its something you should consider before you have a baby IMO. I would rather not have any kids than be one of these part time parents who constantly ships their kids off to family members or childcare. I just don’t see the point in having a child that you don’t actually want to raise, kids aren’t toys.
Couldn't agree more.
The bemoaning about work hours, careers and lack of money 🥱
You chose to have kids, it's not my problem and I will never feel sympathy for you.
There is also a slight attitude that as a childless couple we have it much easier....well yeah we do because we chose this.
I get a lie in
We can shop at Waitrose without feeling guilty 😂
We can go on holiday wherever and whenever we want
If we want a night out drinking we can
My career is doing really well and I enjoy it. It involves a lot of travel to the States, Latin America and the middle East. Would I give this up ever? hell no. I've seen the world and met some amazing people which, for me, trumps having a sprog

And going back to the shacking up with useless men for a sperm donor.
One friend stuck around with her abusive partner for 16 years, she knew he was abusive but wanted kids so badly she brought two into the world even though social services and the police were involved. They're now seperated but forever tied because of the kids (who he is vile to)...he still abuses her.
Another friend had a baby with her husband she knew she didn't love but had the kid then ended the marriage and had the cheek to slag him off no end
Another friend had an affair for 5 years with a man and was so desperate to have a child she ignored the fact he was a useless cheat.
Another friend is tolerating her husband for the kids.

What angers me is that my friends chose the wrong men simply because they needed a child and felt entitled. They don't respect their partners. All you hear is them slagging them off yet they chose to have a baby with them. But apparently they're not responsible for making such a dire decision
 
  • Like
  • Heart
Reactions: 13
What angers me is that my friends chose the wrong men simply because they needed a child and felt entitled. They don't respect their partners. All you hear is them slagging them off yet they chose to have a baby with them. But apparently they're not responsible for making such a dire decision
It doesn’t show much respect for the kids either. Kids aren’t playthings who are unaware of the world - a kid totally, totally knows when they aren’t completely loved and wanted by a parent and you will never convince me that people who choose to have kids with total arseholes just because they want a kid aren’t selfish. And before anyone jumps down my throat I know it’s not so black-and-white and sometimes people don’t have the choice not to have a child but what I‘m thinking of here is people of any gender who push, force or coerce their partner into having a child when they know that their partner doesn’t really want one. It’s desperately unfair on the kids who become well aware of the resentment they’ve caused (through absolutely no fault of their own) and it does awful things to them mentally.
 
  • Like
  • Heart
Reactions: 18
It doesn’t show much respect for the kids either. Kids aren’t playthings who are unaware of the world - a kid totally, totally knows when they aren’t completely loved and wanted by a parent and you will never convince me that people who choose to have kids with total arseholes just because they want a kid aren’t selfish. And before anyone jumps down my throat I know it’s not so black-and-white and sometimes people don’t have the choice not to have a child but what I‘m thinking of here is people of any gender who push, force or coerce their partner into having a child when they know that their partner doesn’t really want one. It’s desperately unfair on the kids who become well aware of the resentment they’ve caused (through absolutely no fault of their own) and it does awful things to them mentally.
I absolutely 100% agree. You're just stating the obvious but you're not allowed to say it.
My friend has 2 kids with her abusive ex. Her kids have been traumatized by this man.
He was abusive from the get go. 4 years after they met she had 2 kids in quick succession. For the life of me I will never understand her thinking to procreate with such an abusive man.
He's dangerous, he's volatile, he's manipulative etc but she chose to have kids with him.
She lives in fear of her ex, her kids are damaged by this man, my friend doesn't have a life because she has the kids 24/7 and has to chaperone her kids for visits to her ex, who is now an alcoholic.
He pays nothing, she is broke, her kids take out their anger on her.
I'm angry she chose to have kids with this man but she felt she was at an age she wanted them and that took president.
 
  • Like
  • Sad
Reactions: 10
Status
Thread locked. We start a new thread when they have over 1000 posts, click the blue button to see all threads for this topic and find the latest open thread.