Childfree by Choice #2

[dancingqueen5678]

Yeah exactly, but I’m worried he is starting to get a little bored. We don’t really do a lot of different things And obvs haven’t been able to go on a proper holiday for nearly 2 years which would break up the monotony slightly. I mean i do suggest different things to do but I can’t drive so it would always be him driving and he drives all week for work so by the time the weekend comes he’s not up for it

I'm really sorry but this whole thing has absolutely baffled me.

So he potentially wants kids cause he's bored cause you guys don't do a lot of different things, but even if you had kids you probably couldn't do those things anyway as it'd be kid orientated things which could be even more boring (soft play and attraction farms are boring, and they're full of screaming kids), and he's still going to have drive on the weekend with the kids even though he's not up for driving now it's just the two of you?

And even if you did have kids... he'd not be doing much of the heavy lifting given his job? So you'd probably be left doing it all? Not to mention, life with kids is probably more boring. It's Groundhog Day filled with school runs, packed lunches, washing etc. No spontaneous holidays or days out. Holidays that revolve around kids and keeping them entertained while you have very little fun cause you're watching the kids and making sure they've got suncream on and they don't drown.


ETA: this isn't me trying to put you off. I just don't understand the ridiculousness of the bored statement.

I had a coworker say that to me once ‘won’t you be bored without kids?’. Whenever I’m feeling a bit bored, I never think ‘oh man i wish a child to look after right now!’.

And tbh I think even if people do have children because of boredom, boring just takes on a new meaning as you adapt and it becomes your new normal. When you’ve come home from work and you’ve gotta bathe the kids, cook their dinner, help them with their homework, take them to clubs, tidy up after them etc…

I'd rather be bored without kids and be able to book a week off work and jump on a plane, go to spa, go on a day trip mid week than be bored with kids and be stuck on a school schedule or because nap time is at 11:30

 

[newtoyou]

Been keeping away from this thread as it triggers me a little due to my confused thoughts but I haven’t got anyone to talk to about it, I reached out to a friend but she’s keen to have kids eventually so not sure she can fully understand me.

so we’ve spoken a bit more about it, and something that stands out to me in OHs opinion on having kids is he keeps saying things to the effect of ‘don’t you think life will get boring without kids?’ Which I have a few thoughts on.

firstly, I’m not going to have kids because I’m bored. I said to him isn’t life what you make it? Doesn’t have to be boring if you don’t want it to be?
secondly, I’m a bit worried this means he thinks I’m boring. Sorry if I like going up to bed to just watch tv for a few hours in the evening, or going on adults only holidays or going to work 9-5 and go home again. He’s hardly a busy bee, we do duck all on weekends together.

also, I know full well he’s holding the idea of getting married over me. I want to get married, he doesn’t. He wants kids, I don’t. He knows that I can’t even talk about the marriage thing when I don’t want kids. He knows full well what he’s doing. he gets defensive about getting married like I do about having kids.

Not to derail the thread, but honestly we’re having issues that aren’t anything to do with having kids, I know we are And I know what I should probably do about that but I don’t know if I want to

My friend (who has children) once said she finds playing with babies/toddlers really boring. Sounds like he might not realise how repetitive having children is

 

[Sideboard Bob]

Been keeping away from this thread as it triggers me a little due to my confused thoughts but I haven’t got anyone to talk to about it, I reached out to a friend but she’s keen to have kids eventually so not sure she can fully understand me.

so we’ve spoken a bit more about it, and something that stands out to me in OHs opinion on having kids is he keeps saying things to the effect of ‘don’t you think life will get boring without kids?’ Which I have a few thoughts on.

firstly, I’m not going to have kids because I’m bored. I said to him isn’t life what you make it? Doesn’t have to be boring if you don’t want it to be?
secondly, I’m a bit worried this means he thinks I’m boring. Sorry if I like going up to bed to just watch tv for a few hours in the evening, or going on adults only holidays or going to work 9-5 and go home again. He’s hardly a busy bee, we do duck all on weekends together.

also, I know full well he’s holding the idea of getting married over me. I want to get married, he doesn’t. He wants kids, I don’t. He knows that I can’t even talk about the marriage thing when I don’t want kids. He knows full well what he’s doing. he gets defensive about getting married like I do about having kids.

Not to derail the thread, but honestly we’re having issues that aren’t anything to do with having kids, I know we are And I know what I should probably do about that but I don’t know if I want to

I don’t have any advice to add but I just want to say, you’re not derailing the thread in my opinion. It’s so important to be able to talk and think something like this through, with people who understand and won’t judge you.

 

[dancingqueen5678]

My friend (who has children) once said she finds playing with babies/toddlers really boring. Sounds like he might not realise how repetitive having children is

I'm wondering if he (along with many, arguably most, other men) have really actually thought about what child rearing is. I think a lot of men just think of it as fun days out on the weekend and trips to the cinema to watch kiddie films and then when they're older, days out at the football or golf. Controversial and sorry if this seems like I'm generalising but I think that's why a lot of men want sons. They want a 'friend' later on when that son grows up or an excuse to watch a "boyish" kiddie film/play boyish toys etc without really considering what it takes to raise a child.

 

[ClaretFairy]

I'm wondering if he (along with many, arguably most, other men) have really actually thought about what child rearing is. I think a lot of men just think of it as fun days out on the weekend and trips to the cinema to watch kiddie films and then when they're older, days out at the football or golf. Controversial and sorry if this seems like I'm generalising but I think that's why a lot of men want sons. They want a 'friend' later on when that son grows up or an excuse to watch a "boyish" kiddie film/play boyish toys etc without really considering what it takes to raise a child.

My Dad ended up with me, a girl who loves football

 

[dancingqueen5678]

My Dad ended up with me, a girl who loves football

my dad's sport of choice is rugby and he ended up with me, a girl who loves rugby (and dance)

 

[ClaretFairy]

I'm glad I found this thread, I'm a teacher and I work in early years. I love the children I teach and work with but even the babies do not make me broody (but give me an 8 week old puppy and I'm broody asf) and people find this odd. I've had previous colleagues make comments that I'll never understand fully because I'm not a mum.

I still live at home in my late 20s due to various MH and financial reasons. I find a lot of men do be very childish, can't cook, can't clean etc, I've had my fair share of sexual partners and I've only had one who I really actually liked it with but he decided the grass was greener elsewhere (he is still in my life lol)

Maybe if I ever met the right person I'll change my mind, but I doubt it simply because I have no desire. Lots of puppies though lol.

 

[Anne1448]

I'm wondering if he (along with many, arguably most, other men) have really actually thought about what child rearing is. I think a lot of men just think of it as fun days out on the weekend and trips to the cinema to watch kiddie films and then when they're older, days out at the football or golf. Controversial and sorry if this seems like I'm generalising but I think that's why a lot of men want sons. They want a 'friend' later on when that son grows up or an excuse to watch a "boyish" kiddie film/play boyish toys etc without really considering what it takes to raise a child.

This is is exactly what they envision.

One of my friend is in his early 30s and wants to have kids but his girlfriend isn't sure because she is an architect and it would mess her work-life balance. However all he sees is someone to spend time with him when he'll be older and a mini him. His words not mine. Not once did he mention how he was going to work part-time or change his life.

Men are completely disconnected from the reality of it UNTIL they get a divorce and they have custody of the child.

 

[Eggsandbeans]

[QUOTE="Anne1448, post: 6816540, member: 245238"

Men are completely disconnected from the reality of it UNTIL they get a divorce and they have custody of the child.
[/QUOTE]

which is unlikely as it's us women who tend to be expected to do the lions share of the custody if a relationship does break down. They get to swan in when its suits them.

 

[dancingqueen5678]

[QUOTE="Anne1448, post: 6816540, member: 245238"

Men are completely disconnected from the reality of it UNTIL they get a divorce and they have custody of the child.

which is unlikely as it's us women who tend to be expected to do the lions share of the custody if a relationship does break down. They get to swan in when its suits them.
[/QUOTE]

and be dad of the year for having the kids every other weekend while she has them for essentially 2 weeks straight on her own.

 

[DisgruntledGoat]

Been keeping away from this thread as it triggers me a little due to my confused thoughts but I haven’t got anyone to talk to about it, I reached out to a friend but she’s keen to have kids eventually so not sure she can fully understand me.

so we’ve spoken a bit more about it, and something that stands out to me in OHs opinion on having kids is he keeps saying things to the effect of ‘don’t you think life will get boring without kids?’ Which I have a few thoughts on.

firstly, I’m not going to have kids because I’m bored. I said to him isn’t life what you make it? Doesn’t have to be boring if you don’t want it to be?
secondly, I’m a bit worried this means he thinks I’m boring. Sorry if I like going up to bed to just watch tv for a few hours in the evening, or going on adults only holidays or going to work 9-5 and go home again. He’s hardly a busy bee, we do duck all on weekends together.

also, I know full well he’s holding the idea of getting married over me. I want to get married, he doesn’t. He wants kids, I don’t. He knows that I can’t even talk about the marriage thing when I don’t want kids. He knows full well what he’s doing. he gets defensive about getting married like I do about having kids.

Not to derail the thread, but honestly we’re having issues that aren’t anything to do with having kids, I know we are And I know what I should probably do about that but I don’t know if I want to

 

[DCICassieStuart]

I had a coworker say that to me once ‘won’t you be bored without kids?’. Whenever I’m feeling a bit bored, I never think ‘oh man i wish a child to look after right now!’.

And tbh I think even if people do have children because of boredom, boring just takes on a new meaning as you adapt and it becomes your new normal. When you’ve come home from work and you’ve gotta bathe the kids, cook their dinner, help them with their homework, take them to clubs, tidy up after them etc…

Absolutely. I think I'd be bored WITH children. I mind my friend's kids sometimes and while they're lovely kids, I'm always glad to give them back after a few hours.

 

[Satisfying Click]

also, I know full well he’s holding the idea of getting married over me. I want to get married, he doesn’t. He wants kids, I don’t. He knows that I can’t even talk about the marriage thing when I don’t want kids. He knows full well what he’s doing. he gets defensive about getting married like I do about having kids.

I went out with a guy who held the idea of marriage over me and all I can say is thank God I didn't marry him, because he didn't see us as a team, and enjoyed the power he had over me.

You were once right for each other, maybe this time has passed?

 

[Beatrix]

One thing I'm finding difficult is losing friendships as people move to the suburbs and have children. I'm 36 and it's hard finding new friends; I get on well with people younger but those friends have started to drop off too now. I don't really get along with childfree people who are so anti-natalist that all they want to talk about it hating children (I like children and I love my nieces/nephews).
Is anyone else having similar issues?

 

[DisgruntledGoat]

One thing I'm finding difficult is losing friendships as people move to the suburbs and have children. I'm 36 and it's hard finding new friends; I get on well with people younger but those friends have started to drop off too now. I don't really get along with childfree people who are so anti-natalist that all they want to talk about it hating children (I like children and I love my nieces/nephews).
Is anyone else having similar issues?

EXACTLY this. I’m earlier in my 30s but the drift from city to surburbia amongst my friends is just galling. And equally the expectation that you will always go to them because it’s a faff travelling with kids, but there’s nothing to do. What’s the point of having a three bed semi if you can’t get Uber or Deliveroo??

 

[Sheabutter]

Been keeping away from this thread as it triggers me a little due to my confused thoughts but I haven’t got anyone to talk to about it, I reached out to a friend but she’s keen to have kids eventually so not sure she can fully understand me.

so we’ve spoken a bit more about it, and something that stands out to me in OHs opinion on having kids is he keeps saying things to the effect of ‘don’t you think life will get boring without kids?’ Which I have a few thoughts on.

firstly, I’m not going to have kids because I’m bored. I said to him isn’t life what you make it? Doesn’t have to be boring if you don’t want it to be?
secondly, I’m a bit worried this means he thinks I’m boring. Sorry if I like going up to bed to just watch tv for a few hours in the evening, or going on adults only holidays or going to work 9-5 and go home again. He’s hardly a busy bee, we do duck all on weekends together.

also, I know full well he’s holding the idea of getting married over me. I want to get married, he doesn’t. He wants kids, I don’t. He knows that I can’t even talk about the marriage thing when I don’t want kids. He knows full well what he’s doing. he gets defensive about getting married like I do about having kids.

Not to derail the thread, but honestly we’re having issues that aren’t anything to do with having kids, I know we are And I know what I should probably do about that but I don’t know if I want to

His argument that life would get boring without kids sounds like it’s worth investigating. If he’s honestly only concerned about boredom, dogs are great fun. Bringing another person into the world to stave off boredom is selfish though. I am saying this from the perspective of someone with parents who had children for the purpose of realizing something within themselves.

 

[OhhBacon]

Found this thread, found my people. Have read all of this one-need to go back and read the first one!
My thoughts; I’m mid 40’s and childless by choice, my choice being I didn’t settle for the wrong bloke and have a baby because ‘it was time’. I have never been convinced I wanted kids but kind of thought if the right bloke came along maybe that would change. Although thinking back now I have never really wanted kids and that goes back to a very very young age.

So I’m now mid 40’s in a great relationship but also in a great place in life.
I have a good job, good finances, my own property, have travelled widely, have good family and friends, enjoy nights out, walks, theatres, art and can still get involved in lots of opportunities because I have time.

Interestingly I do have more friends without kids than with them. Possibly because when people have kids they drop out of your life and find other friends with kids. But can honestly say the friends I have without kids are the most interesting people I know. Although if you are in a group of friends who are having kids then you need to get out there and find opportunities to make more friends.

With my friends we can talk about books they have read, exhibitions or theatre they have seen, places they have visited, many of them are doing evening classes….for their own enjoyment, they have interesting jobs, they are interested in cooking and different sports or exercise…they are so much more than just their kids.

Going out for dinner with friends who have kids is quite dull, inevitably the conversation becomes all about the small people because the adults just don’t have time to do anything else.

What frustrates me is that I constantly feel I have to say, ‘I don’t have kids’, when I meet new people as they always assume I do.

I really think the concept of having children should be talked about more in society, it is a decision and it is a huge one. People have counselling before getting married but not before making the decision to create a whole person. I also hate the discussion around having a baby….that baby is a baby for a few months you are having a whole person that will grow through all stages, are you ready for that?
Have you considered child care, finances, your time, school holidays etc etc because I am constantly shocked by things parents moan about. School holidays have been there since before your child was born, why haven’t you considered this before having your children?

Anyway that’s my thoughts, I know a few of you on here are quite young but I can honestly say you can live a fulfilling, interesting, purposeful life without kids.


*I‘m the same as a few of you in that if it was a choice between visiting a friend who has a baby or a friend with a puppy….I’m with that dog as quick as!

 

[ChampagneBox]

Thanks everyone. You’ve given me food for thought

 

[OhhBacon]

Thanks everyone. You’ve given me food for thought

I think you’re concerns with your boyfriends thoughts are really valid and something that society just doesn’t talk about.
Having children because you are a bit bored of life and feel like your life is quite stagnant and what is the point or purpose of life…are all questions that I am confident people ask themselves.

But the conclusion doesn’t have to be…let’s have children…there are lots of things you can do to live a more interesting life.
The routine and effort involved in raising children seems to me to be quite boring. Spend an hour at a soft play place with friends kids, take a kid to football or swimming lessons each week….you’ll find boredom!

Good luck in your discussions and decisions. X

 

[Caffeine Fiend]

Definitely dont have kids because youre bored!

My life with kids is never boring but it is monotonous. Also in my experience of having kids, men dont have to sacrifice as much as women do.

Its us who have to weigh up working part time or paying £££ out on childcare. Us who sacrifice our bodies to grow them. Us who manage all the life admin. Most of my friends dont have kids but those who do are doing *alot* compared to their partner. So very easy for a man imo to want kids as it is easier for them and imo they have to give up less. Their life doesnt change that much.

I also think (myself included) if you are someone who wants children you kid yourself that it wont 'be like that for you' but oh my God it is!! It absolutely is.