I think feeling like this is a lot more common than we realise. I recently went to a wedding of an old friend and it was very eye opening. Lots of people I know that are my age (early 30s) with kids are so miserable - but you wouldn’t know it from the outside and the image they portray on social media. You can just tell they’d do anything to be in a child free persons shoes. Of course this isn’t always the case but I definitely think there’s this stigma around admitting you’ve had kids but possibly regret it.
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Misery loves company. Same people who lash out at those who took a different path and are reaping the benefits.
Just a few ramblings from the past few days
1. I'm feeling a lot of conflicting feelings around my tween niblings. They are likely to be the only ones I'll ever have and I feel like there is an expectation that child free women must be doting, devoted aunties. I'm not - they are only nearby at weekends and when I do see them it is hard to engage because I'm not a smartphone or tablet. Also my weekends are busy doing things I want to do? (Maybe selfish) I'm trying to reach out to them more recently but kind of failing I think. I don't know why I'm getting so worried about this, I grew up over a hundred miles away from all my extended family when the only communication was a phone call or a letter?
An aside to all of this is that now they are growing up I am seeing my father in law share lots of FB memories of the niblings when they were younger with "They don't want to play anymore I'm so sad
' etc and in person commenting about how they are starting puberty etc (gives me the ick) and it brings back a lot of fears I had as a child over growing up, puberty etc. I used to feel such guilt that I was becoming uninterested in toys, or lots of affection and then wanting a bit of independence, I can't imagine having the option of finding out family are talking about it on social media too. I think I would be so worried about making any hypothetical children of mine feel that way over that or any topic I would just be constantly stressed and know I wouldn't handle it well at all. Best not to build that ship in the first place yanno?
2. I got talking to my Dad on his own, and being childfree came up. He asked "Do you not think you'll ever have them?" and I said "No". He said "Ah well to be honest I can't say I'm bothered by that" and he thinks my Mum just wants me to be alive and happy (something I believed from comments Mum has made and I have mentioned here). So it was reassuring to hear it again - especially as I feel with my Mum it is only even going to be an indirect conversation now I'm not in a MH crisis. I'm lucky to have them around.
1. I'm feeling a lot of conflicting feelings around my tween niblings. They are likely to be the only ones I'll ever have and I feel like there is an expectation that child free women must be doting, devoted aunties. I'm not - they are only nearby at weekends and when I do see them it is hard to engage because I'm not a smartphone or tablet. Also my weekends are busy doing things I want to do? (Maybe selfish) I'm trying to reach out to them more recently but kind of failing I think. I don't know why I'm getting so worried about this, I grew up over a hundred miles away from all my extended family when the only communication was a phone call or a letter?
An aside to all of this is that now they are growing up I am seeing my father in law share lots of FB memories of the niblings when they were younger with "They don't want to play anymore I'm so sad
' etc and in person commenting about how they are starting puberty etc (gives me the ick) and it brings back a lot of fears I had as a child over growing up, puberty etc. I used to feel such guilt that I was becoming uninterested in toys, or lots of affection and then wanting a bit of independence, I can't imagine having the option of finding out family are talking about it on social media too. I think I would be so worried about making any hypothetical children of mine feel that way over that or any topic I would just be constantly stressed and know I wouldn't handle it well at all. Best not to build that ship in the first place yanno? 2. I got talking to my Dad on his own, and being childfree came up. He asked "Do you not think you'll ever have them?" and I said "No". He said "Ah well to be honest I can't say I'm bothered by that" and he thinks my Mum just wants me to be alive and happy (something I believed from comments Mum has made and I have mentioned here). So it was reassuring to hear it again - especially as I feel with my Mum it is only even going to be an indirect conversation now I'm not in a MH crisis. I'm lucky to have them around.
I just want to give you a hug, and a voucher for your kids to go on residential while you either get shitfaced or write your unwritten novel. I'm sorry, it must be so tough. I do genuinely think many, many women feel in a similar way to you though (my boss used to confide in me when we were alone in office or whatever almost word for word the kind of things you've said) - you're just ships in the night as no woman can admit out loud 'I adore my kids, I love my kids, I would die for my kids, but it's not all it's cracked up to be and if I had my time again I might not bother' without risk of judgement. Not here though, in the eyrie of the barren
By Kodak moments, what do you mean if you don't mind me asking? I know it means a sort of picture perfect moment, but did you move towards having children because it was the 'done' thing and your friends / peer group started having families? Sorry if that's too personal. I come from a background where children are very much expected and a sort of additional pressure is also exerted, not on purpose of course, via social media photos, everyone you know having kids etc (etc) in friendship groups and wider peer group.
I would also like to share a quote I found very inspiring while idly watching 101 Dalmatians (the nineties live action one). Cruella is rolling her eyes at Anita being all dreamboat about meeting a fella one day and the impact it will have on her creative trajectory and comes out with this gem (for our godless age of course take 'getting married' as an all round umbrella term for 'having partner and kids' etc). I know that she is a puppy strangler but I am genuinely thinking of getting this framed:
Cruella De Vil : [to Anita] More good women have been lost to marriage than to war, famine, disease and disaster. You have talent, darling. Don't squander it.
Oh ffs tattle merged that Cruella post above with the previous one I wrote. It was meant to be a separate post. I'm really sorry @Pixipoppy , that comes across as right insensitive when combined with my earlier post. Genuinely not making light of your situation
(As a coda to Cruella quote though, there does need to be more recognition of women having to essentially grieve their former or lost self as it were and how much you give up, whether time, creativity, career etc and that should be taken seriously. And recognised that feeling that way doesn't detract from motherhood and love for children)
oh no my posts just keep merging in one yugeee post! This is so weird. I better not type anything else again ever and just sit on my hands
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‘Right to request’ flexible work not granted for half of UK’s working mothers
One in two have request turned down while those that work flexibly face discrimination, survey finds
www.theguardian.com
this rhetoric annoys me. Why would people without kids not want flexible arrangements too?
Thank you. I’m ok. I’ve made choices and I need to live with themI just want to give you a hug, and a voucher for your kids to go on residential while you either get shitfaced or write your unwritten novel. I'm sorry, it must be so tough. I do genuinely think many, many women feel in a similar way to you though (my boss used to confide in me when we were alone in office or whatever almost word for word the kind of things you've said) - you're just ships in the night as no woman can admit out loud 'I adore my kids, I love my kids, I would die for my kids, but it's not all it's cracked up to be and if I had my time again I might not bother' without risk of judgement. Not here though, in the eyrie of the barren
By Kodak moments, what do you mean if you don't mind me asking? I know it means a sort of picture perfect moment, but did you move towards having children because it was the 'done' thing and your friends / peer group started having families? Sorry if that's too personal. I come from a background where children are very much expected and a sort of additional pressure is also exerted, not on purpose of course, via social media photos, everyone you know having kids etc (etc) in friendship groups and wider peer group.
I would also like to share a quote I found very inspiring while idly watching 101 Dalmatians (the nineties live action one). Cruella is rolling her eyes at Anita being all dreamboat about meeting a fella one day and the impact it will have on her creative trajectory and comes out with this gem (for our godless age of course take 'getting married' as an all round umbrella term for 'having partner and kids' etc). I know that she is a puppy strangler but I am genuinely thinking of getting this framed:
Cruella De Vil : [to Anita] More good women have been lost to marriage than to war, famine, disease and disaster. You have talent, darling. Don't squander it.
Oh ffs tattle merged that Cruella post above with the previous one I wrote. It was meant to be a separate post. I'm really sorry @Pixipoppy , that comes across as right insensitive when combined with my earlier post. Genuinely not making light of your situation
(As a coda to Cruella quote though, there does need to be more recognition of women having to essentially grieve their former or lost self as it were and how much you give up, whether time, creativity, career etc and that should be taken seriously. And recognised that feeling that way doesn't detract from motherhood and love for children)
oh no my posts just keep merging in one yugeee post! This is so weird. I better not type anything else again ever and just sit on my hands
By Kodak moments I mean the first day of school pics, the baking pics, the Halloween and Christmas photos etc. But behind every photo of happiness is a reality of misery lol. Thank you for not making me feel like an evil witch for feeling like this lol x
Even though I don't want kids of my own I had this romantic notion that I would be a cool Aunty, that would get the best of both worlds. I thought I'd take him for days out and do all the fun stuff with him and we'd have a really special relationship. In reality, I'm lucky to be able to persuade him to put his clothes on never mind convince him to leave the house. Take today for example... Refused point blank to go for an ice cream at the park. Finally persuaded him, got in the car, the car seat headrest was "too high" (I had adjusted it as he's grown since he was last in it) he only wanted to go for "a little drive" as apparently the park was "a big drive". He screamed all the way there because of the offending headrest and length of journey (approx 7 minutes) When we got there he sulked because another kid had the audacity to play on the skate park at the same time. He insisted on a Calippo which was just carnage
Then he finally got onto the play equipment and wet himself so I had to take him straight home as we had no spares with us. He fell asleep in the car on the way home and I just felt sheer relief that he would probably stay that way until his dad got home.
I just think that this was one afternoon where the lovely time I had planned for us ended up being totally different in reality. I can't imagine what it would be like every time I tried to have a day out, or even do something fun at home.
Then he finally got onto the play equipment and wet himself so I had to take him straight home as we had no spares with us. He fell asleep in the car on the way home and I just felt sheer relief that he would probably stay that way until his dad got home.I just think that this was one afternoon where the lovely time I had planned for us ended up being totally different in reality. I can't imagine what it would be like every time I tried to have a day out, or even do something fun at home.
I think sometimes it can depend on the child in question too. My husband's nephew is 17 now but when he was younger I would happily take him out for the day on my own and he was just such a sweet, good natured little guy. I honestly never had a problem with him.Even though I don't want kids of my own I had this romantic notion that I would be a cool Aunty, that would get the best of both worlds. I thought I'd take him for days out and do all the fun stuff with him and we'd have a really special relationship. In reality, I'm lucky to be able to persuade him to put his clothes on never mind convince him to leave the house. Take today for example... Refused point blank to go for an ice cream at the park. Finally persuaded him, got in the car, the car seat headrest was "too high" (I had adjusted it as he's grown since he was last in it) he only wanted to go for "a little drive" as apparently the park was "a big drive". He screamed all the way there because of the offending headrest and length of journey (approx 7 minutes) When we got there he sulked because another kid had the audacity to play on the skate park at the same time. He insisted on a Calippo which was just carnage
I just think that this was one afternoon where the lovely time I had planned for us ended up being totally different in reality. I can't imagine what it would be like every time I tried to have a day out, or even do something fun at home.
Then his little sister came along. Sweet divine Lord. Myself and my husband took her out (together) for a couple of hours and she was an absolute nightmare. There was no way I could have handled her on my own.
I have to agree, my nephew is lovely when things are going his way but he's definitely not an easy going child!
yep. I think I said this before on the other thread. I have one, they are my world and I adore them. But if I could go back and never had had them I totally would. I love my godchildren, I like babies. But I am not a ‘natural mother’ and although I don’t regret having my child I would make different choices given the opportunity
I agree. I was always very well behaved as a child, both for my own parents and strangers. I had my moments with my mum, but they were few and far between and my mum actually said the other day that I was a very well behaved child (my mum doesn’t dish out compliments so she meant it). I was always quiet and polite.
whereas my nephew, he’s very entitled and sullen.
Has anyone seen the John Lewis home insurance ad? The kid prancing around trashing the family home whilst the mum idly sits by. I think my tubes tied themselves in knots. (I'm not sure home insurance would cover damage by one's child behaving like a little sod.)
Never mind home insurance, they need to put up the number of who you call to get your kid some therapy (or adopted). If I behaved like that my mum would've taken me to the doctor, not looked on in a doting manner!
Went to Wetherspoons yesterday (not my choice) and spotted there were 3 children on a table on their own. Albeit sat colouring being reasonably quiet, took me a while to figure out who they were with - the adults sat two tables over. I just couldn't figure out why you'd a) take your kids to a pub like that late on a Saturday afternoon and b) sit them on a different table.
Were they Kirstie Allsopp's children by any chance?
No....why??!Were they Kirstie Allsopp's children by any chance?
Well I mean, they might have been. But I didn't see KirstieNo....why??!
When she flies, she goes in first class and makes the kids go in economy, so seating them two tables away definitely sounds like something she'd doNo....why??!
Well I mean, they might have been. But I didn't see Kirstie
And they say childfree people are selfish…
This reminds me of a message that my cousin sent on the family group chat. I wish I could attach it here but she used to be on Tattle too and may still use it.
She basically sent an emergency message begging for the family to help her managing her kids. Since she divorced she struggled between working and dealing with the kids. Her partner is helping a lot but since he got remarried he has more kids too.
However, most of the family members either have kids themselves (so they are busy too) or they don't want to be babysitting. She claimed that we were all selfish for not babysitting her kids for her. Yet, she has no problem dumping her kids to her mother to go clubbing, dining out or going on holidays with her childfree partners.
She 100% regret having kids but there are no plan B for that. You can't dump your kids at the local church or orphanage anymore.
I don't really know how anyone can claim people are selfish for not helping with their kids. You had the kids. They are your kids. Do people genuinely have kids with expectation that many people will help?
Maybe this is just me but if I have kids, it will be on the expectation that I/partner will be doing everything and the childcare will come from nurseries/school etc or a paid childminder who is a professional UNLESS family offer to help out through no detriment to them. By that I mean, grandparents who love their grandkids and want to have them, not feel like they have to help out but actually really stress about it.
ETA: Not "you" specifically or personally OP. I mean you figuratively, like "one had kids"
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