“The other women”

[ASAnigel]

That was what always got to me, that I was the one that was MOSTLY at fault apparently.
I have and always will take full responsibility for my part in the whole thing - I would never try to deny being in the wrong.
HOWEVER, he was much older than me and I was in my early 20s and he was the one with the family telling me what I wanted to hear.
But let’s just say I was the predatory one that went looking for an affair - he’s still the one with the wife and kids at home that he’s chosen to put at risk and there’s no way I’d be able to make him cheat if he didn’t want to?
Yet it frequently seems to be the other woman that gets the blame and all the hate

 

[Adayinthelife]

What made you get involved with him, knowing that? (Typical he got away with it!)

I was (I thought) ‘in love’ with him. In reality it was infatuation, and I had the unrealistic fantasy of us both leaving our partners and running away together into the sunset

Would you mind to share more about the fallout?

It broke up my marriage. His survived, then, as his wife didn’t find out about me. He subsequently went on to have another affair and that was what ended his marriage

 

[JoeBloggs]

This is a perfect thread for me because I'm in a situation I could do with some outside advice over.

I've been dating someone on and off for 18 months. Didn't realise he was sleeping around at the same time in the manner it appears he has. Without going into too much detail, he's military, has gone away on deployment for a while and will now be uncontactable for months.

The situation I am in, is that we had spoken about going on holiday together when he was back, I was invited round his parents house, he had spoken about what house we would buy etc. But we weren't specifically exclusive because he wanted to enjoy his time away on deployment and not worry about anyone else etc. Which I accepted. He left for deployment. Then 2 weeks later, I got a message saying he was now seeing someone else. He has gotten a 20 year old, what I can only describe as a child, pregnant whilst he was at home, only a day between us. He wouldn't block my number as I requested and had to beg him to so there was no line of communication between us.

Now I'm in a pickle as i think this girl deserves to know the truth and I want to message her and tell her, as she has no idea about me. But I don't know whether that's the right thing to do. He is nearly 10 years older than her. Should I send the message? I'm not going to be nasty to her it's not her fault I just think she deserves to know, and I don't think I deserve to be kept a secret for his benefit.

HELP!

You do not need to be asking him to block you, you need to block him.

You don’t owe the other woman anything, it is his mess and let him sort it out. She’ll find out eventually. You may just end up looking like the bitter ex/side piece.

I would cut all contact and move on. He clearly isn’t interested in actually settling down, after dating for 18 months and he still wants to mess around, NO. He cannot have his cake and eat it.

 

[chartilbury]

Not me but my mother is the other woman. Nearly 50 years now and all I can say is, my dad should have stayed full time with his actual wife

 

[LaurieLaurie]

No, I don’t share anyone. Why would I when I can pick someone else?

 

[Notworthy]

I've been the other woman. Not really fussed about judgement by strangers. We had a relationship for 2 and a half years. We both got what we wanted from it and it naturally ended. I was working full time, going to University and learning to fly so didn't have the time nor really want to commit to anything more than sex, worked for both of us. It wasn't me that stood in front of friends and family and take vows, it was him that did that and broke them (frequently)

 

[Mrspowell]

Yes and it broke me. You are right not all stories are clear cut

Random question to all those who've been the other woman, no judgement just curious....does being the other woman not feel like being cheated on in itself? Like you're sleeping with him but he's also sleeping with someone else?

Yes 100% it’s a horrible situation. Being the other women is like taking drugs. You know it’s bad for you, you know it’s going to kill you but you can’t stop.

 

[LittleMy]

Inadvertently I guess. I was “the other woman” without realising, because the guy I was seeing was stringing along more than one woman at a time. I cut all contact as soon as I found out (after calling him all the names under the sun and outing him as a cheat ofc). I’ve heard he’s still at it to this day and a compulsive liar to boot.

 

[Peaches_xox]

It 100% comes down to the one who took the vows to keep them. But I do think it's pretty gross to instigate relations with someone who is married/in a committed relationship knowingly.

Yeah but what if he told me that they were only living together for the children, they didn’t share a bed and they remained together to keep face. It may not have been true but if I believed it and fell for him then why am I the family destroyer and gross. That’s him no?!

 

[JoeBloggs]

I did block him I just wanted him to block me in case I got drunk and was tempted to unblock and message him. I wasn't a side piece, she was, but she knows nothing about me so she probably thinks she's the only one as well. I get whay you're saying about not owing her anything, I think it's more about me getting revenge at the moment lol

Delete all his chats, delete his number, get any evidence of him off your phone.

You say she was the side piece, but frankly it sounds like no one was his 'main woman'. Who is to say he wasn't saying the same to her.

Revenge, you won't be getting revenge on him because he won't care. He can walk away, all you are doing is hurting a possibly young pregnant woman. She may have no idea about you therefore in her eyes she hasn't done anything wrong. Personally, you need to walk away. Be the bigger person and don't play his games.

 

[Petesgirl]

I am pretty certain that I was. I had a brief relationship with a man of 24 when I was 15 back in 1987. He never gave me his home number, he said that his mum wouldn't like it, yeah right. He always used to ring me from a phone box and we never went on a proper date. I was a very naive 15 year old who never had any male attention before this so was willing to accept anything. Looking back I want to tell my 15 year old self to give her head a good wobble and stay away from this creep.

 

[Justwishfulthinking]

Just because a person has a relationship/sees someone or gets involved with someone else who happens to be in a relationship shouldn’t automatically make them have 0 self respect or morals. Morals and self respect can be subjective per person.

When people throw so much hatred and tar the “other woman” with the same shit (sometimes if not more) as the cheater it just screams insecurity, bitterness and jealousy from the one who’s been cheated on. It’s a very sad situation no doubt.

The cheater is the one in the wrong. They’ve committed the adultery. They are the ones with 0 morals and self respect. Not the single person.

Yeah they are the one making a choice to deceive others.

Unless the single person is deliberately going after someone they know is married and not giving off vibes of being interested.

It's really not a black and white situation when it comes to cheating, like with most things.

Nope not at all. That’s why I hate people calling the “other women” awful names as we don’t know what they have been told or believed.

 

[Begborrowsteal]

I was the other woman a long time ago but I didn’t know.

I’d met what I thought was a nice guy at a bar and we went on a few dates and I really thought he was something special. But one evening he came over to mine and I saw a few messages from a girl flashing up on his phone which actually didn’t raise a flag at all until he quickly took his phone out of my view and got rid of the notifications

Long story short, I looked her up and saw on her Facebook status that she was in a relationship (he didn’t have it or use it he said!). So I messaged her girl to girl to tell her that I’d been seeing him for a few weeks and my word I wish I’d never bothered she sent me a ton of abuse, so did her friends and they dragged me online calling me all sorts and she stayed with him. More fool her in my eyes!

Easier to blame the woman than face up to a bad relationship more fool her!

 

[Notworthy]

He obviously didn’t feel bad for his wife, so why should she?

Thank you, and he was a churchgoerbut I'm supposed to police his morals, why, his marriage and wife were absolutely none of my concern or business. It was a long time ago now and I know for a fact he has moved on numerous times, wifey is still there putting up with it because she likes the lifestyle and 'being someone' he has a high profile career, without him she has nothing
She'd rather be the wife of a serial cheater than be single and that's on those 2, not me. He actually did suggest he leave his wife but I knew he'd behave the same way with me and I wouldn't have put up with it and if I had gone down that path I would never blame the other woman. Why would I blame a complete stranger for shagging my husband, he would owe me respect, not her.

 

[sailorcherries]

Making jokes about what their kids name would be, and keeping her 'safe' in that bubble of having her feelings known, and admiring him for keeping boundaries.. nahhhh, he liked knowing he was wanted. He should have said sorry, but no thanks and not entertain it in the slightest.

Don't project on to this situation.
There is nothing to suggest be liked knowing he was wanted.
There is nothing to suggest it was some illicit secret.
He did a decent thing and made sure their working environment wasn't awkward or hostile. The joking around may or may not have been a part of that.
The OP made it clear that nothing ever happened - no secret rendezvous, no inappropriate messages, no little smiles or looks.

The man behaved well as did OP. If people have their own issues that's fine but don't tar everyone with the same brush.

 

[dancingqueen5678]

For me it applies to both ,but I think it's more accepting of a man to cheat . Take Hancock for instance both parties were married ,the public sympathy went to his wife and Ginas husband,he was seen as having his cake and eating it ( wink ,wink,nudge,nudge) and the scorn fell on his mistress ...she'll be forever labelled the 'other woman' .

Monica Lewinsky is a good example of that. Bill Clinton got nothing. People still bring up Monica Lewinksy now and the woman is nearly 50

 

[Begborrowsteal]

I honestly cant see any other reason for knowingly doing it than low self esteem. And thats sad for the women tbh. As always, men are trash lol.

 

[ClockworkDolly]

Random question to all those who've been the other woman, no judgement just curious....does being the other woman not feel like being cheated on in itself? Like you're sleeping with him but he's also sleeping with someone else?

I always believe that those people who cheat, even once, will have the desire to cheat again. They will know the thrill of being the cheater and no matter how many promises they make to stop doing it, the urge would be too strong for some.

I have been on the receiving end of being cheated on, it’s fucking awful. But, I know on this occasion, he duped her and told her the same lies he told me. He had a gilded tongue and women fell for it, including me.

He was the bastard and whilst I was angry at the time and thinking it was her, deep down, I knew that he was at fault.

 

[CharlieTYBT]

I don't really understand why @Oohthedrama got a lot of agg for her comments. It is pretty scummy to get involved with someone who is taken. I don't really think some people understand the gravity of what that does to the person who's being cheated on. I've had friends who have had their confidence ruined and become really insecure through being cheated on and it really messed them up. It makes you think you're a bad person, useless, why is he happy with her but he wasn't happy with me to cheat with her kind of thing. Yes it is very scummy behaviour. It really really affects people quite bad. Not meaning to ass lick him/her but we don't know the moderators story and I think their comments are totally fair and in line.

I can understand if someone gets involved with someone not knowing they were taken and then find out later down the line that it wasn't their fault and they didn't do anything wrong. It's happened to me a few times when I was online dating and was in my late teens and very naive.

One incidence was I was talking to a guy online and he kept blocking me and vanishing for days, sometimes weeks on end and then unblock again and crawl in to my life with excuses which I fell for. One day he sent a selfie in bed to me and I noticed his bedding looked flowery and feminine so I became a bit suspicious, spent a while searching him up online. I found out a few days before he got engaged - yes - engaged to a woman even though he was talking to me around the same time. I got mad at him and blocked him. Friends at the time told me to tell the woman so I did and sent screenshots. She never believed me even though it was in black and white. That's what I've noticed, that they never believe you when you come even with evidence. I was willing to leave it but my friends said she should know. If I knew for one second he was seeing someone there is no way I'd touch him with a barge pole, he's someone else's and he's got taken hanging round his neck.

I see very often all that all the blame should go on the person who's taken and the fellow cheatee should get less slack (especially if it's a woman) and I personally disagree. They both are as bad as each other. There's been guys I've fancied or I thought hot but I knew they were taken and knew they were with someone else and it's not right for me to flirt or get involved with them. I'm insecure as hell and far from perfect but you can't all make excuses and say I did it because I'm insecure or blah blah blah, that doesn't make it okay or excuse it. You've now made the person being cheated on insecure. I see some people accept and acknowledge that what they did wasn't right and there was no excuse, fair play. It really messes people up.

 

[justheretoread99]

some women are in fact like this, perfect description.

bit extreme, but look at it another way,
if a drug dealer sells drugs, their addict overdoses, is the dealer blameless?
He didn’t force the addict to buy from him, the addict could have found another dealer, so it’s not the dealers fault he agreed to sell to him, it’s the addicts fault he’s the one taking the drugs…,

Or are they both to blame.

But even if some women are exactly like my previous description, isn’t it still the man who chooses to cheat? They don’t have to cheat. But they do, and that “other woman” shouldn’t be labelled as being on the same scale as the man. The man who is in fact the actual adulterer.

With drug dealing that’s a whole separate concept. It’s illegal to sell drugs. It isn’t illegal to “go after a married man”. Isn’t comparable really.