“The other women”

[Peaches_xox]

Just putting it out there,
once kids are involved there is no discussion IMO.
You’re trash.

I don’t understand the point of this thread at this point. People are sharing their experiences or stories and are just being called trash by you?! I mean congratulations if you’ve never had feelings for somebody who was in a relationship but it doesn’t make you better then everybody else who’s sharing their stories ?!

 

[rainbowlemon]

I get this is a thread which could trigger lots of opinions, but of all of the forums I've been on this is the only place that I've seen a moderator call someone trash before.

 

[JoeBloggs]

Can we please stop with the judgement and name calling.

 

[sailorcherries]

I'm not an innocent wall flower, never claimed to be either, but it was the truth of how I felt which I had hidden from him for a long time and wasn't planning on telling him. We talked about it like adults without jumping into bed with each other. He accepted my feelings, normalized it. I don't feel any shame or feel like I've done anything wrong. I was vulnerable then and would probably be the same now as I still live alone away from any family or friends.

I think this is a very mature way to deal with a situation, especially between colleagues.

Knowing that a younger, vulnerable and impressionable person has feelings for you can lead to a massive power dynamic shift. Acknowledging those feelings, discussing how the person feels and possibly why as well as putting boundaries in place and treating the other person compassionately is what more people should do. You can do that and still remain faithful, whilst also ensuring the other person doesn't feel hurt or rejected too.
People get feelings for others all the time. Making someone feel ashamed will lead to a horrible working environment and will have seriously negative impacts on everyone.

The OP admitted she had feelings. The man explained his situation and put a boundary in place. He respected his wife and vows but also ensured that the OP never felt humiliated or led to even more awkwardness etc.
That isn't a bad man and it isn't a bad person either (OP).

 

[Mooordgirl]

I’m a member, not just a moderator.

also, nobody knows if I’ve been the wife, the partner, the child of a cheating father, so if I want to say a woman who knowingly enters into a relationship with a father and husband is trash, I’ll say it.
It’s a shit thing to do, shit. Especially if kids are involved.
If people can give sympathy and console I’m gonna do similar for the victims of the situation.

If youre triggered by this topic,maybe skip past it? But the tone of your past is uncomfortable for several other posters outside of the lady you were directing it too. That should tell you everything you need to know

 

[Sea]

what exactly is an emotional affair?
you didn’t have sex?




It’s hard to feel any sympathy for you, you knowingly set out to destroy a family, word gymnastics aside because I don’t really understand “emotional affair”

you reap what you sow



Just putting it out there,
once kids are involved there is no discussion IMO.
You’re trash.

Calling her trash is too far.

 

[Peaches_xox]

I’m a member, not just a moderator.

also, nobody knows if I’ve been the wife, the partner, the child of a cheating father, so if I want to say a woman who knowingly enters into a relationship with a father and husband is trash, I’ll say it.
It’s a shut thing to do, shit. Especially if kids are involved.

I think everybody with a brain cell knows that sleeping with somebody else’s fella is wrong. Nobody has come on here and been like I’m so proud this is what I did… but people are sharing their stories to just be called trash. I think it puts people off what could be an interesting thread, plus If I commented that on any other thread I’m pretty sure I’d get a warning for arguing or goading or derailing or something!!

 

[rainbowlemon]

I was in love with an older married man who I worked with for almost 4 years. I didn't tell him, but he guessed around 10 months in. He asked me about it and I told him the truth. We did talk about how I felt about him, but that's all that ever happened, even though we were alone in his office lots of times. I didn't need him to tell me that we wouldn't be a thing. We got to a point where we could joke about it "we'll name our child Cosmo".

I had all the sexual fantasies in my head.

I stopped working with him eventually. I know I do still love him and I'm not over it yet, but I'm honestly grateful that he could hold that boundary and it was never crossed.

He does have a public insta which I still secretly look up frequently, but no messaging though.

 

[Pariszai]

I'll bite and come in as the person who new they were the other woman. To make it even worse, as well as him being in a 3 year relationship that I knew about, I was in a 5 year one and thought I was happy (the fact I cheated tells me I must not have been).

Started randomly after drunk night out and we just carried on meeting up for months until his girlfriend finally found out.

Looking back I have no idea why I did it (except for me being a piece of shit, I suppose). We both broke up with our partners and I've never seen the other guy since. Luckily my ex is doing well and is happy now. I haven't wanted to be with anyone since as I feel like I don't deserve to but also I don't trust myself and never want to hurt anyone like that again.

Open to judgement and criticism as I know I deserve it.

 

[watermelon sugar]

I think people on the thread know if they willingly got into a relationship with a married man and became the other woman their not doing a good thing . Isn’t it a thread about people telling their stories rather than getting judged for it

 

[Oohthedrama]

If you knowingly become the other woman, or find out you are and continue in that position.

you’re trash.
no excuse for being a shit person.

I was in love with an older married man who I worked with for almost 4 years. I didn't tell him, but he guessed around 10 months in. He asked me about it and I told him the truth. We did talk about how I felt about him, but that's all that ever happened, even though we were alone in his office lots of times. I didn't need him to tell me that we wouldn't be a thing. We got to a point where we could joke about it "we'll name our child Cosmo".

I had all the sexual fantasies in my head.

I stopped working with him eventually. I know I do still love him and I'm not over it yet, but I'm honestly grateful that he could hold that boundary and it was never crossed.

He does have a public insta which I still secretly look up frequently, but no messaging though.

because we’re all anonymous
if he had offered to leave his wife, would you have got with him?

 

[Unspiralled]

My turn...

I knowingly got involved with a married man for a few months when I was 18. He was 44 and had two teenage kids. I am extremely ashamed of what I did. I knew it was wrong at the time but I still did it. He told me that he loved me and even then I knew it wasn't true.

The reasons I did it? I guess low self esteem, loneliness (had just moved to uni, wasn't having the best time), and perhaps some experiences from my childhood contributed.

I have no idea if his wife and kids found out about me, but I do know that he was arrested for sending explicit images to a 12 year old girl and arranging to have sex with her. The thought that I may have somehow contributed to his desire for young girls makes me feel sick.

 

[Adayinthelife]

I don’t really care if some rando on the internet calls me trash. The thread asked people to share, I did. It happened, can’t change it. Would I do it again? No. Does that make me less ‘trash’? Probably not

 

[Tommyb]

There are dedicated forums for "the other man/woman", take loveshack.org for example reading those threads... It's scary how naive and deluded people can be.

One thing to learn is that most cheaters use the affair script on the affair partner. The "we are like friends/never a sex/can't leave because of the kids" scrip it's always the same.

Luckily... Or unluckily... I learnt this pretty young. My dad cheated on my mum and when she found out left him straight away. He didn't like that so beat her. Mum and i are incredibly close and has always been age appropriate honest with me. I never grew up naive and learned what red flags were. I'm lucky in a way that I saw it. I found it easy to identify what was good enough for me. I found it hard when friends couldn't see it with boyfriends. My first boyfriend attempted to cheat on me and I got rid as soon as I found out. We were together 7 years and he got the shock of his life when he found out I would get rid straight away as I always told him

I just wish women would have each others backs abit more. The woman my dad cheated with was my mum's friend. Years later and I actually pity her and their life together. She tried to tell me they couldn't help it once... I told her I was greatful she got that loser away from my mum and there no way I'd want my mum with him. That shut her up

 

[ASAnigel]

Ashamed to say I have been.
No excuse for it, but I was young at the time and he was a fair bit older than me, I was fully in love with him.
Knew all along it would never work out the way I wanted at the time but he always said just enough to keep me. Went on for just under a year - I found out he had 2 kids and ended it.
His wife found out but they stayed together and went on to have more kids. He messaged me about 3 years later trying to start it up again.
I don’t regret it because it taught me an awful lot about myself, relationships etc but I’ve always been ashamed of it.

 

[Blue pumpkin]

It's the mentality of certain women that gets me. Like the other woman is a man stealer or marriage wrecker as if their partner has no control. You can't make/force someone to have an affair/cheat.

Is any sane woman looking for love going to get involved with a fella who says 'yeah I'm happily married and love my wife loads'
I've had two married colleagues try it on with me. Non stop flirting, being overly helpful and charming etc. One would drop hints/lies about being in unhappy/stale relationship, general sob stories about no one understands me and being under stress at home. He used to say things to me like 'you make my day brighter' and 'you get me more than I get me'. It's all manipulation and predatory behaviour that some don't recognise.

I didn't even know the other one was married. Never spoke about family/wife. Even tho I didn't like him I assumed he was single until someone told me that he takes his wedding ring off as soon as he reaches work and puts it back on again when he leaves.

Some women don't even find out the man they're with is married until months down the line when he's already reeled them in emotionally, which is horrifying, yet they're to blame.

It's a different matter if anyone knowingly gets involved but then that should mean two people are at fault and are equally to blame, not just piling most of the blame on the woman

Calling women horrible names and not the man is just internalised mysogny. Why not call them both nasty names instead of directing soley at the female.

 

[Oohthedrama]

If youre triggered by this topic,maybe skip past it? But the tone of your past is uncomfortable for several other posters outside of the lady you were directing it too. That should tell you everything you need to know

Totally accept what you’re saying, you’re completely right
I’m willing to admit I was wrong for showing my aggression, apologies to all I’ve hurt.

 

[Rue Git Le Couer]

I have knowingly been the other woman. He had been married for 5 years & his wife was pregnant. All I can say is we worked together, I was infatuated with him & I completely lost my head.
He did leave his wife, we moved in together and within a month he had raped me & beaten me to a pulp, so I guess you can say I got my karma.
What followed was months of psychological abuse, stalking (not just of me but also of my family) & police involvement.
I am now happily married but always look back on that time with complete shame, disgust & anger at myself. The scars from that time will never leave me (physically as well as emotionally) & I can honestly say it changed who I am.
My husband knows the entire story & although my ex does come off looking the worst, I am entirely to blame too & for that I will never forgive myself.

 

[watermelon sugar]

People who have been the other woman reading this thread not wanting to be called trash

 

[Peaches_xox]

Question - if I, as a woman in a relationship go out and sleep or have an affair with a single man, is that man my ‘enabler.’ Does the single man owe my fella decency and respect? Is he trash? Or is he just a man who wanted sex and that’s less horrifying then a women doing the same thing?

Just wondering if these views are directed at both genders or women only?