“The other women”

[bananabutter]

I was the other woman a long time ago but I didn’t know.

I’d met what I thought was a nice guy at a bar and we went on a few dates and I really thought he was something special. But one evening he came over to mine and I saw a few messages from a girl flashing up on his phone which actually didn’t raise a flag at all until he quickly took his phone out of my view and got rid of the notifications

Long story short, I looked her up and saw on her Facebook status that she was in a relationship (he didn’t have it or use it he said!). So I messaged her girl to girl to tell her that I’d been seeing him for a few weeks and my word I wish I’d never bothered she sent me a ton of abuse, so did her friends and they dragged me online calling me all sorts and she stayed with him. More fool her in my eyes!

 

[Apple In My Pie]

My stepmother was the other woman… although she’s my stepmother now so something worked out between her and my dad lol.

It does make me wonder though. If I was in her shoes I’d always have that little niggle of, well, he cheated to be with me, he could do it again with me too.

Also it was really awkward at their wedding when everyone was making out they met like in a fairytale. No. He cheated on my mother when I was a sick five year old in hospital. Both he and SM knew I was unwell, knew he was cheating, and carried on. Not so much fairytale.

I don’t judge them for it Or hold a grudge really. It just happened. Making a life commitment to someone isn’t always right and sometimes there’s a rationale behind it (for my dad, there was, and even my mother said they wouldn’t have lasted anyway - long time coming, sort of thing). But I disagree with the way it happened and don’t see the point in glossing over It to make themselves feel better because it was so shitty. I was unwell at the time, I was five years old, and I found the whole ordeal really traumatic afterwards. I wish that either 1) my dad had sat down and broke things off properly with my mother before beginning a new relationship, or 2) that my now stepmother had forced him to split with my mother before beginning a r’ship. But I suppose life isn’t that easy!

 

[DCICassieStuart]

Not me but my mother is the other woman. Nearly 50 years now and all I can say is, my dad should have stayed full time with his actual wife

I know a lady (never married, no kids) who is 72 now and has been the other woman for about 40 years and she STILL believes that he'll leave his wife "one day". (He's the same age)

 

[Peaches_xox]

I might be wrong but I’d always assume anyone defending the other woman has been in that position and have a guilty conscience, although this will be denied.

So essentially you can’t share your opinion without being accused of being ‘the other women’ at one point in your life. Honestly what’s the point in a thread like this. It’s coming across as we must bash ‘the other women’ and if you don’t agree you must be the other women.

 

[justheretoread99]

So interesting to hear everyone’s experiences. & good on the ones that don’t want sympathy and accept what they’ve done

But as a single woman this thread gives me the fear

 

[lilacbutterfly]

Random question to all those who've been the other woman, no judgement just curious....does being the other woman not feel like being cheated on in itself? Like you're sleeping with him but he's also sleeping with someone else?

Personally I think I block it out. It hurts to think, hurts to let go and hurts to stay. . Been reading this thread for a while, need to find the courage to leave but I just can’t.. I don’t know my life without him, but I’m losing myself.

 

[justheretoread99]

I mean, I want my neighbours car but I don’t think it’s my right to rock up to her house and take the keys because I want it. It’s not my fault the alarm didn’t go off, clearly the car shouldn’t have opened for me, it’s the car’s fault it knew it belongs to my neighbour

I thought I was a bitch but damn I’m not as bad as I thought!

I am glad we can discuss it without the aggression/shutting down of conversation we’ve seen on here in the past however!

A car is a possession though. It is owned by someone.

A human being is not a possession. A human makes their own decisions. Although a stupid and shit decision, the married party makes that decision to cheat.

I’ve personally never cheated on someone. Hopefully never will. And hopefully will never get involved with a “taken” person, as I really am a bitch because I don’t like to share If I get cheated on best believe I’ll never speak to him again. I might look up the other woman on social media but hopefully I’ll have enough self respect to not blame her for what my OH decided to do x

 

[justheretoread99]

I asked a question, without judgment, to see her side of things?

Its pretty standard to think its a shitty thing to do - that was in answer to your question as to why I thought she could/would/should feel bad for the partner. I also said on earlier posts that I ended up being the other woman twice, I just didnt know it at the time. Forum is there for all to interact

Do you not feel bad for his wife, for knowingly having sex with him? Why couldnt you have had that physical relationship with someone single?

Morals? It's just a shitty thing to do

Both statements seem very ‘moral high-ground’ and judgey here.

No one owes anyone on here an explanation of why they did what they did and how the feel/felt about it.

So much shit gets thrown to the “other woman” when it’s in fact the man breaking the vows.

 

[Oohthedrama]

I blamed both my slug-like ex-husband and the ugly old dollop specifically because they were both fully aware of what they were doing and it did not matter at all, equally they did it regardless of the two babies whose childhoods they destroyed through their sordid affair.

Likewise I did not only blame her because they were equally at fault & as such they earned an equal share of the Wrath of Khan that descended upon them

full agree, I don’t understand why both involved aren’t seen as the trash they are
yes, trigger warning, I said trash
(not a day goes by when I don’t get an angry reaction on a similar comment I made over a month ago here. )
there is no excuse for getting involved with someone who has a wife of family, none, excuses about mental health and vulnerability are just that, excuses.
mental health doesn’t give you a right to destroy a family, if a man is going to cheat on his wife and destroy his family he’ll always find a woman who’s willing to help him do it both are to blame.
the lucky one is the party that’s been cheated on, because they can walk away with pride, self respect and leave the cheaters behind in the mess their relationship will eventually become.
I know it’s not always black and white but that’s still my view. i know others won’t agree and that’s fine too.

 

[Dipstick]

I honestly cant see any other reason for knowingly doing it than low self esteem. And thats sad for the women tbh. As always, men are trash lol.

I don't agree that low self esteem is the only reason. I was "the other women" a few decades ago at university. To be honest, I was immature, looking for no strings fun and simply didn't care that he had a girlfriend. My view back then was that if he was going to cheat anyway, and I fancied him, why not be the one he cheated with. I hasten to add that I'm a million miles from that person now and no longer have those views or total lack of morals. But at that time, I was a very confident (arrogant) person, with no self esteem issues at all, I was just young and reckless and selfish and didn't give a shit about a girl I never met and felt I owed nothing to. Many years later, I discovered that my serious partner had been shagging around behind my back for years, one very long term affair, and lots of one night stands. Karma perhaps! I think people have affairs for many reasons, other than simply having low self esteem.

 

[Columbo]

I think this is a very mature way to deal with a situation, especially between colleagues.

Knowing that a younger, vulnerable and impressionable person has feelings for you can lead to a massive power dynamic shift. Acknowledging those feelings, discussing how the person feels and possibly why as well as putting boundaries in place and treating the other person compassionately is what more people should do. You can do that and still remain faithful, whilst also ensuring the other person doesn't feel hurt or rejected too.
People get feelings for others all the time. Making someone feel ashamed will lead to a horrible working environment and will have seriously negative impacts on everyone.

The OP admitted she had feelings. The man explained his situation and put a boundary in place. He respected his wife and vows but also ensured that the OP never felt humiliated or led to even more awkwardness etc.
That isn't a bad man and it isn't a bad person either (OP).

I agree with this, by addressing it he was able to nip it in the bud and make sure the OP knew nothing was going to happen. If he’d said nothing the OP could’ve fallen deeper thinking she was in with a chance and maybe made a move that she’d regret and make working together a nightmare?
Saw something similar play out an office party and it didn’t end well. Line manager knew his secretary was crazy about him, didn’t put her straight right away and she made a fool of herself at the Christmas party in front of everyone. They were both single so no harm done in that sense but she was so embarrassed/heartbroken that she left soon after.

 

[JLXRD]

Sort of, yes - though there was no physical cheating.

When I met my husband we were both in long term relationships with other people, pretty serious ones too (owned houses, etc). We worked together closely and became friends. Maybe a bit of flirting here and there but nothing outrageous - I would probably flirt with a lot of male colleagues in a similar way back then (still would now if I could go to the office )

After about 2 years, we both realised we had feelings for each other but discussed it and said we would just stop talking socially at work to nip it in the bud as we didn’t want to end our relationships.

That lasted a few weeks before he told me he had left her because he felt it wasn’t right given how he felt about me, and that he felt I was ‘the one’ I was quite torn but also ended up leaving my partner of 6 years as I knew I felt something strongly too.

So maybe I would be classed as the other woman? I know his girlfriend found out we were together not long after and it crushed her, but there was no physical cheating. She still talked a lot of shit about me behind my back (told everyone he cheated on her so she left him, which isn’t true) and begged him to come back to her like I had just tempted him away, when at the end of the day it’s as much his fault as mine. I wasn’t her friend or anything (I didn’t know her at all, we had never spoken, I had only seen her in passing at work events but she knew some of our colleagues.)

It’s hard because I don’t know what else we could have done in the situation really. I never wanted to hurt her or my ex. We were honest about why we left and the other option was to always wonder what could have been. We are now happily married so I suppose at least it was for something and not just a throwaway thing. It was worth all the drama in the end.

 

[katyazamo]

It pulls the rug from under people and can have far reaching consequences, emotional & financial. Its really not just being 'over the top'. You can end up questioning yourself and wondering why you didnt see the signs, or turn it inwards and think its your fault (i wish we didnt!) And then you risk carrying it into other relationships and not trusting people/letting your guard down.

Id imagine your more open minded approach wouldnt be as common, but fair enough for you that you dont have those concerns.

That's it exactly, it pulls the rug from under people! Most of us have stories about being cheated on. Some people can get over it quickly, or maybe the relationship wasn't very serious, but for most of us, it's a major life event that stays with you. I went through a year of knowing that something wasn't quite right but didn't know what it was. I had to move out and start over with feck all in my bank account, living off credit cards and overdrafts for a couple of years while he kept the house on and had the new woman round the day after I moved out.

I don't think my ex is scum or vile, don't really have any feelings towards him at all now but...that kind of shit stays with you. For years. You never think it will happen to you until it does. It destroys your self-confidence and makes it very difficult to build relationships with anyone new.

 

[Begborrowsteal]

It's the mentality of certain women that gets me. Like the other woman is a man stealer or marriage wrecker as if their partner has no control. You can't make/force someone to have an affair/cheat.

Is any sane woman looking for love going to get involved with a fella who says 'yeah I'm happily married and love my wife loads'
I've had two married colleagues try it on with me. Non stop flirting, being overly helpful and charming etc. One would drop hints/lies about being in unhappy/stale relationship, general sob stories about no one understands me and being under stress at home. He used to say things to me like 'you make my day brighter' and 'you get me more than I get me'. It's all manipulation and predatory behaviour that some don't recognise.

I didn't even know the other one was married. Never spoke about family/wife. Even tho I didn't like him I assumed he was single until someone told me that he takes his wedding ring off as soon as he reaches work and puts it back on again when he leaves.

Some women don't even find out the man they're with is married until months down the line when he's already reeled them in emotionally, which is horrifying, yet they're to blame.

It's a different matter if anyone knowingly gets involved but then that should mean two people are at fault and are equally to blame, not just piling most of the blame on the woman

Calling women horrible names and not the man is just internalised mysogny. Why not call them both nasty names instead of directing soley at the female.

Agreed! Its easier to throw shit at the woman than confront the truth of the man choosing to cheat.

 

[Peaches_xox]

just as bad if not worse.
Their intent is to destroy a relationship and hurt innocent people. It’s Fucked up

I don’t think anybody heads into something like that with the intention of destroying a family?

 

[WilmaHun]

It's the mentality of certain women that gets me. Like the other woman is a man stealer or marriage wrecker as if their partner has no control. You can't make/force someone to have an affair/cheat.

Is any sane woman looking for love going to get involved with a fella who says 'yeah I'm happily married and love my wife loads'
I've had two married colleagues try it on with me. Non stop flirting, being overly helpful and charming etc. One would drop hints/lies about being in unhappy/stale relationships, general sob stories about no one understands me and being under stress at home. He used to say things to me like 'you make my day brighter' and 'you get me more than I get me'. It's all manipulation and predatory behaviour that some don't recognise.

I didn't even know the other one was married. Never spoke about family/wife. Even tho I didn't like him I assumed he was single until someone told me that he takes his wedding ring off as soon as he reaches work and puts it back on again when he leaves.

Some women don't even find out the man they're with is married until months down the line when he's already reeled them in emotionally, which is horrifying.

It's a different matter if anyone knowingly gets involved but then that should mean two people are at fault and are equally to blame, not just piling most of the blame on the woman

Calling women horrible names and not the man is just internalised mysogny. Why not call them both nasty names instead of directing soley at the female.

 

[DCICassieStuart]

I haven't but a former friend of mine (knowingly) was 'the other woman'. She was in a serious relationship and the guy was in a long term relationship with a woman he had left his wife and 5 children for!
She left her partner, only to discover that he wouldn't leave his. Her partner took her back after 6 months. They have three kids together now and I'm absolutely convinced that there's no way in hell the middle one is his.

 

[Begborrowsteal]

I have knowingly been the other woman. He had been married for 5 years & his wife was pregnant. All I can say is we worked together, I was infatuated with him & I completely lost my head.
He did leave his wife, we moved in together and within a month he had raped me & beaten me to a pulp, so I guess you can say I got my karma.
What followed was months of psychological abuse, stalking (not just of me but also of my family) & police involvement.
I am now happily married but always look back on that time with complete shame, disgust & anger at myself. The scars from that time will never leave me (physically as well as emotionally) & I can honestly say it changed who I am.
My husband knows the entire story & although my ex does come off looking the worst, I am entirely to blame too & for that I will never forgive myself.

He sounds so dangerous and clearly manipulative and deceptive. What you experienced wasnt karma, it was outright abuse. You should try and work on forgiving yourself because you shouldnt live with the guilt of his deception and abuse x

 

[Rita Chevrolet]

Reading this thread it does make me believe that non-monogamy is probably better suited to some people than the monogamous norm that we are led to believe in.

Indeed. Its just as shame that the non-monogamous folks don't keep their antics between themselves with other like-minded souls rather than involve others who do not wish to join in their fun & games; It only ever ends in pain and anguish for somebody

 

[monga]

Similarly I would assume that anyone blaming the ‘other woman’ has been cheated on & has anger/bitterness over it & doesn’t want to think there may be any more to it than the woman is a bitch who intended on destroying a family.

As someone who has been the other woman, as I stated above, I cannot say in general whether I blame the man, woman or both. As others have said I think every case is different. What I will say is that seeing how my cheating with a married man ruined MY life more than either his or his wife’s, I am strongly against cheating now & have even fallen out with friends over their cheating. Kind of like an ex-smoker who becomes the biggest anti-smoker going!
I do understand however what it feels like when you’re in the middle of it & I know it’s not always as cut & dry as some people make out.
It’s definitely an interesting topic.

I think it's how you define a relationship ! for some it's only physical ,but for most people ( especially with children) the emotional aspect is paramount trust and stability is something a women assumes she has before she's brings a child into mix ,once that trust is broken it's hard to build again you leave yourself vulnerable, you say your life was ruined ? was that because you let your emotions take over ,just like his wife ? ...perfect example is Colleen Rooney was just reading about their new doc and love or hate her I think she's stood by her man out of love not money, if only he could show her the same respect and decency , not judging her but she's let him off the hook so many times she'll always be a doormat in his eyes.