“The other women”

[Rue Git Le Couer]

From a different point of view, one of my friends found out 7 years ago her husband had been having an affair for about 6 months with someone from his work.
He did the whole begging, it’ll never happen again thing & she chose to take him back.
They went to counselling & have since gone on to have 2 children & have a fantastic marriage.
She actually credits his affair as being the best thing that could have happened to their marriage as it made them open about their true feelings on certain things they’d been keeping to themselves & now she feels they have a very open & honest relationship

 

[Begborrowsteal]

He obviously didn’t feel bad for his wife, so why should she?

Morals? It's just a shitty thing to do

 

[adult human female]

Those women/men who get a thrill out of hunting married/in relationship are far more aware of what they are doing.

Also age and experience comes into play. I think a 17 year old would make very different decisions to a 37 year old. However there are a lot of people who are not clued up to realise they are being manipulated or used.

I’ve seen people desperate for attention/affection make silly choices that are not in line with their usual morals. It’s so sad to see. Vulnerable people attract people who may abuse that vulnerability. My sister split with her ex and she was quite cold in as much as she decided it was over and wouldn’t change her mind so he took that as being mean. Her next fella bled her dry money wise. Lazy bastard lay about while she worked…she clocked on and left but said she felt like she deserved it for hurting her WC’s feelings when they split.

It's really not a black and white situation when it comes to cheating, like with most things.

 

[Oohthedrama]

I don’t understand the point of this thread at this point. People are sharing their experiences or stories and are just being called trash by you?! I mean congratulations if you’ve never had feelings for somebody who was in a relationship but it doesn’t make you better then everybody else who’s sharing their stories ?!

I get this is a thread which could trigger lots of opinions, but of all of the forums I've been on this is the only place that I've seen a moderator call someone trash before.

I’m a member, not just a moderator.

also, nobody knows if I’ve been the wife, the partner, the child of a cheating father, so if I want to say a woman who knowingly enters into a relationship with a father and husband is trash, I’ll say it.
It’s a shit thing to do, shit. Especially if kids are involved.
If people can give sympathy and console I’m gonna do similar for the victims of the situation.

 

[Begborrowsteal]

I've been the other woman. Not really fussed about judgement by strangers. We had a relationship for 2 and a half years. We both got what we wanted from it and it naturally ended. I was working full time, going to University and learning to fly so didn't have the time nor really want to commit to anything more than sex, worked for both of us. It wasn't me that stood in front of friends and family and take vows, it was him that did that and broke them (frequently)

Do you not feel bad for his wife, for knowingly having sex with him? Why couldnt you have had that physical relationship with someone single?

 

[justheretoread99]

Unless the single person is deliberately going after someone they know is married and not giving off vibes of being interested.

But even if a single person deliberately goes for a married person, the married one still makes that decision to cheat. We are all responsible for our own actions. We can’t blame other people for our own choices and actions.

 

[Unspiralled]

peaches this thread is defending “the other woman” about 80% of the time,

I wouldn't say people are defending 'the other woman' exactly, but I am surprised that some people don't think it's morally wrong to knowingly be that woman.

 

[Oohthedrama]

Question - if I, as a woman in a relationship go out and sleep or have an affair with a single man, is that man my ‘enabler.’ Does the single man owe my fella decency and respect? Is he trash? Or is he just a man who wanted sex and that’s less horrifying then a women doing the same thing?

Just wondering if these views are directed at both genders or women only?

He’s absolutely trash if he knows you’re in a relationship or goes after a woman in a relationship.

trash has no gender they’re both to blame no matter the gender.

 

[sailorcherries]

Reading this thread it does make me believe that non-monogamy is probably better suited to some people than the monogamous norm that we are led to believe in.

 

[JoeBloggs]

My friend was the other woman for a while and she never seemed bothered about the fact he was living with his long term girlfriend - she was of the opinion that she didn’t know her, he was the one in the relationship so why should she feel guilty when he was the one deciding to cheat and pursuing her.

I struggled with her talking about it like that, because I’ve been with my partner for a long time and the idea of him cheating and the other woman not giving a fuck just put me on edge.

She showed me a dick pic he sent her once, from his bedroom he shared with his girlfriend - her stuff was in the background! It was so brazen.

I can totally see this view, while the 'other womans' behaviour is morally wrong she is technically single and it is on him to feel the guilt.

I have a friend who had an affair with an ex for years, she even slept with him the night before his wedding and after it. She really struggled to find a partner and I think it was her way of feeling wanted. For me it is the man at fault, he should be the one held to task but it always seems to be the other woman and he is seen as some sort of hero between his friends.

 

[Begborrowsteal]

As someone on the receiving end of the 'other woman' who know about me - she didnt intend on breaking up the family, at all. She didnt care. She didnt actually like the OH, it was simply attention that she enjoyed and courted. I dont blame her for the cheating, she didnt cheat on me lol. But i absolutely hold her accountable for being callous and knowingly entertaining him. The OH got all the actual blame. I thought they were both pathetic, selfish and insecure in that situation.

Its so very dismissive to label it as bitterness. but the impact of cheating can be so destructive?

 

[Rodneytrotter]

I have been accused of being the other woman twice when I havent been! This was in my late teens and early twenties.

The first time was when I was seeing a guy called Andy and talked about him a lot to my co worker and if I got a text I'd say 'oh its from Andy' etc. Another coworker (total bitch) kept over hearing and told her friend who coincidently had a boyfriend called Andy that I was seeing him and gave her my phone number.

She kept calling me sending abusive texts etc etc. Me pleading my innocence and that it was a different Andy fell on deaf ears. I knew of her Andy and he was total trash always cheating etc, wouldn't have touched him with a barge pole but still kept getting messages off her and her mates calling me a s#ag etc and I was scared of them.

The second time was sharing a taxi back to our house with some guys, we got out first and they carried on the journey. We did know of them as we were at the same uni but I didnt know their names. The next evening in the student union bar I was walking to the toilet alone and had a drink tipped over me from a girl calling me a s#ag saying I had been with her bf who was stood next to her smirking. I said I didn't but again dear ears and I had these group of girls calling me names every time I saw them. I didn't even sit next to him in the taxi! Grrr makes me so mad. Ive always been confused as to why he would want his gf to think he'd cheated

I really wish I'd stood up for myself better or wish someone else had stood up for me instead of 'not getting involved'. I hate confrontation so just kept wishing it would stop or that someone would tell them i hadn't done anything wrong.

 

[Bette21]

I once visited my friend who was a couple of years older than me at university. I think I was about 16? Anyway, through amazing coincidence, one of the girls in her flat was also from my town. I walked in, and the walls were plastered with photos.
“Oh, that’s Martin!” I said. Martin was a guy who i had been snogging pretty much weekly for a couple of months at this point, although we’d never got as far as having sex, but we went out to the same club pretty much every week and would hang out a lot.
“how do you know Martin? He’s my boyfriend.”

honestly wanted the floor to open up and swallow me. I didn’t tell her, I was too scared.

 

[justheretoread99]

just as bad if not worse.

But the one in the relationship is the one to blame. They did the cheating. They make that decision.

Has anyone known of a single woman who has made a married man cheat on their wife with her? Like they’ve actually pounced on the man like the 0 moral no self-respect trash they are and held a gun to his head????

 

[CherryAcid]

Once unknowingly, I had a thing with a DJ at a club I worked at, we were always flirting and he said he was single(he lived away). We only slept together once and then I was told he did indeed have a gf and that pretty much put an end to it all.
I have been cheated on a few times and I wouldnt wish it on anyone. I'm still massively damaged by a realtionship that ended almost 10 years ago. Bf pretty much cheated on me throughout our relationship with his flatmate, made holidays plans with me and everything. i was also really friendly with her so f*ck her! He still just ended it one day blaming me living at home at the time,not earning enough etc etc, a couple of days later hes posting loads of pics of himself and the flatmate kissing and stuff. Tbh I always had a weird feeling in my gut something wasnt right whenever I left his house, trust your gut guys!!!!

 

[Rita Chevrolet]

I’m a member, not just a moderator.

also, nobody knows if I’ve been the wife, the partner, the child of a cheating father, so if I want to say a woman who knowingly enters into a relationship with a father and husband is trash, I’ll say it.
It’s a shit thing to do, shit. Especially if kids are involved.
If people can give sympathy and console I’m gonna do similar for the victims of the situation.

What then do you call someone who actively sets out to destroy a marriage in the full knowledge there is a new baby and a toddler involved in the mess, someone who thinks they can step right into your shoes before you have even left them? I endured that along with all the lies that he thought I'd never notice because I was too busy with two little kids to worry what he was up to with the sneaking off for sudden "appointments" he absolutely had to attend on pain-of-death, the "Golf games" and all the other lame excuses. Yes all his lies and all this because she decided she wanted my husband for herself! Well when he came to his senses after a couple of months of stringing her along between me and our little children I DECIDED -not him - that I was not going to play second fiddle to someone as inherently ugly and untrustworthy as her and that basically he could have her and get on with it! I chucked him out and he scuttled off back to his horrible mother.

He went on to marry her eventually and the kids say he's miserable as sin whenever they speak to him, plus she has health problems which effectively mean he's her carer now and gets to wheel her about in a wheelchair whilst she screeches abuse at him for not doing anything right!!. Karma has some funny ways of getting payback dealt with

 

[katyazamo]

In which case this should be post only if you are/were the other woman .
It's tricky because there's intrigue as it's taboo, so questions are asked out of interest, questions are asked out of anger, it will never be a judgement free topic.

It'd be nice if it was a judgement-free zone. There needs to be a bit of nuance though, every situation is indeed different!

In my case, it felt less serious as the guy wasn't married and I could only go on the basis of what he told me, that the relationship was essentially over and they were basically flatmates. I was also very young and there was 8 years between us, and maybe I should have been a bit more vigilant and checked up (but this was before social media really took off) but ultimately he was the one in the drivers seat and he should have known better. So there was a major power imbalance. Same with women who end up getting involved with their married bosses. I was naive and quite vulnerable and felt pretty invisible. So to get attention from a man a fair bit older made me feel like I was finally being seen. The reality is though, he was just bored in his relationship. I wish I had someone looking out for me.

I don't think anyone will openly say yeah, I deliberately got involved with a married man with no regrets. I don't believe it's possible anyway, unless someone is a bit of a sociopath, because affairs always leave a trail of destruction behind them. If someone is purposely going after married men (or women), then they need to ask themselves why - they tend to enjoy the attention and drama of it all. The thing is, it's very easy to blame the "other woman" but if you're married, you have to say no - I've made a commitment and I'm not going to throw that away. But some married men are very good at hiding their wives/kids.

 

[ASAnigel]

Random question to all those who've been the other woman, no judgement just curious....does being the other woman not feel like being cheated on in itself? Like you're sleeping with him but he's also sleeping with someone else?

At times yes - once I had fallen in love with him it was awful and hated the thought of it.
But I just kinda blocked it out.
Once I’d uncovered the truth of his home life and what he’d been up to with other people at the same time I realised if I’d actually “got him” he’d cheat on me too.

 

[Oohthedrama]

I think this is such an interesting topic and so many layers that could complicate things.

Some marriages are not what they seem and very much for financial convenience. Also the level of emotional manipulation can be enormous. Ive seen people claim to be together for 20+ years but one partner has affairs and the other partner allows it or turns a blind eye. So yeah they may look on the surface like the wronged party but they are not only complicit they will benefiting massively.

I used to see everything as black and white or right and wrong. What I’ve learned as I’ve got older all is not what it seems and people are fever complex. A lot of women I know who tolerate affairs are doing it for the financial stability and lifestyle they have because of their relationship/marriage. Or they feel they can’t leave. Also the person having the affair often wants to go but again are tied in financially or even by pressure from their families.

I honestly think it’s a case by case situation. The person choosing to cheat is the one who is creating the situation tho - they have made a commitment and are deliberately choosing to break that trust. On the other hand if a single person was going after a person who was committed to their partner then they are in the wrong as they have made a conscious decision to disrupt a content situation for their gain.

such valid points, but in my opinion (again, in my opinion!!!! My opinion nothing else… *angry face, angry face angry face* )

The “other woman” needs to make the choice not to get involved with a man who’s already involved in a relationship “contract” of sorts.
Doesn’t matter if he’s staying for the kids, or they’re still together because it works for them both financially,
The third wheel needs to be the one that says “clear up your baggage and then come back to me”
Getting involved with someone who’s already “taken” is a huge no in my books.

 

[Begborrowsteal]

Yeah, I mean, I don’t want an open marriage. Neither does my wife. We’re quite happy with monogamy.

my point really is that I don’t see why someone straying is considered SO heinous. It’s not good, but people make mistakes. It’s not ideal but it’s not crime of the century either.

I think some of the theatrics from grown adults about it are over the top.

It pulls the rug from under people and can have far reaching consequences, emotional & financial. Its really not just being 'over the top'. You can end up questioning yourself and wondering why you didnt see the signs, or turn it inwards and think its your fault (i wish we didnt!) And then you risk carrying it into other relationships and not trusting people/letting your guard down.

Id imagine your more open minded approach wouldnt be as common, but fair enough for you that you dont have those concerns.

Unpopular opinion: I don't judge the other woman/man/person in any of the situations in this thread.

I've never been the other woman and never will be - I want to be the ONLY woman and value myself too highly to settle for less. But when it comes to cheating, I think it's solely the person in the relationship who is doing the cheating who is responsible for hurting their partner and destroying their trust.

Even if another woman knows that my husband is married and pursues him relentlessly, it's my husband's fault if he chooses to have an affair. He is not a helpless victim at the mercy of an evil succubus.

It is the partners fault, of course. Its morally where the women knowingly get involved fuck up. Its just a shitty thing to do innit.