“The other women”

[Phoenix Lazarus]

It was the other man, in my family. Then aged seventeen, I was introduced to him as a workmate of my mum's. I liked him.

Soon, it became clear he and my mother were having an affair. I lost respect for all three in the triangle, including my dad for just letting it go on when it was so obvious. Mum left my dad for the other man when I was nearly twenty.

More than thirty years on, I've still not fully come to terms with it all.

 

[Mrs Cucumber]

I don't share my food and I certainly won't share my man!

growing up my father cheated on my mum multiple times, seeing the heart ache he caused, i'm determined to be the opposite of him.

 

[Oohthedrama]

Ok, drop the attitude when i'm just discussing the topic

Why let yourself be 'the bit on the side', why let yourself be viewed/treated/disrespected like that? & if its just sex, why not get that from someone single? I don't understand the emotional disconnect. As a woman on the side, you are essentially assisting that man to cheat

Again - the man IS to blame. I just personally think if a woman knowingly gets involved, its callous of her.

I think it’s really interesting to see this thread is very sympathetic to the woman who’s taken part in the affair.
(I say woman because it’s about “the other woman” but I know further back we also had a woman who fucked over her husband and had an affair with someone else)

I might be wrong but I’d always assume anyone defending the other woman has been in that position and have a guilty conscience, although this will be denied.

btw I don’t include people who have been lied to when I’m making comments here, I’m talking about women who enter into a relationship with a married man when they’re fully aware he’s married, even if it’s a marriage of convenience “just for the kids” etc.

 

[katyazamo]

Yeah, I mean, I don’t want an open marriage. Neither does my wife. We’re quite happy with monogamy.

my point really is that I don’t see why someone straying is considered SO heinous. It’s not good, but people make mistakes. It’s not ideal but it’s not crime of the century either.

I think some of the theatrics from grown adults about it are over the top.

A monogamous marriage is ultimately a contract to each other. No, you don't "own" each other, but you've entered into a marriage on the expectation that you'll be faithful to one another. Of course someone is going to make a big deal if a commitment like that is broken. Someone cheating or having an afffair is clearly unhappy with some aspect of their marriage.

As with everything in life though, it needs nuance. Someone who has a kisses a colleague on a drunken night out isn't in the same box as someone who goes out of their way to have an affair for years. But at the same time, someone cheating or having an affair is never truly a mistake - a mistake is when you leave your dinner in the oven for too long! I think it's more poor judgement than anytihng else.

 

[prozacprincess]

My husband was ‘the other man’. We met when I was with my partner of 10 years. I don’t regret it and neither does he. It started off as just intense flirting but escalated into a full on affair pretty quickly. I married him three years later.

I’ve been the other woman in the past too on multiple occasions. Never felt bad about it if I’m truly honest. I enjoy the thrill of new relationships so I guess it was kind of addictive in a way and a bit of a power trip.

 

[Meangirl815]

Yes i have been. Kind of.

20 yrs ago ish. I was 23. Had a fuck buddy. He got into a relationship. We didn't stop hooking up. I knew the girlfriend. I gave no shits. She found out 18mths or so later. It ended their relationship.


I could say i had low self esteem (I did and do but that had nothing to do with it) but the truth is i wasnt a very nice person at all then. My moral compass was seriously questionable. I was looking for fun, for sex and didn't mind where i got it.


I'm happily married with kids now and wouldn't dream of ever cheating on my husband and it would break me if he ever cheated on me.

 

[rainbowlemon]

Thank you for sharing. The judgement can hold back discussion.

 

[Sunflower91]

I’ve never technically been the other woman but I’ve been mistaken for the other woman. I dated a guy for almost 6 years and discovered he’d met a girl online and proposed to her after knowing her a few months. It didn’t sit right to let this other girl be in the dark about who she was agreeing to marry and I actually felt really sorry for her. So I tried to call her and got a message basically saying “you’ve tried to get in touch with my fiancé, leave us both alone” and she clearly didn’t know up until that day I’d been pretty much living with the guy. At first I was angry and kind of in a “sod her” mood but eventually I just felt like it would be wrong of me to not at least try to let her know what she’d gotten into. I sent her a message explaining the situation and she replied kindly but still went on to marry the dude. His family turned their back on me like I was the crazy one. As daft as it sounds I truly felt for years like I was this other woman that was the “enemy” like I’d intruded on the engagement or something. I’ll never blame the girl he married, as far as I’m concerned she was innocent, a child (just 18) and I think he got kicks out of preying on and controlling women.

 

[TapToBoreMeRigid]

Has anyone who's been the other woman to a man in a marriage of "convenience", or "stayed for the kids", ever gone to find out that the marriage genuinely was just a sham and there was no emotional or physical intimacy?

 

[JoeBloggs]

I was twice, in my much younger years. Once was an ex, he cheated on me with her, got engaged and move into together. He swore blind they had parted and I went round once. I knew he way lying but two can play that game. They never got married.

The second was a friend who I really fell for. He lead me on a bit saying he was leaving his girlfriend. That one I do regret, I do not think she found out.

 

[Oohthedrama]

I know a lady (never married, no kids) who is 72 now and has been the other woman for about 40 years and she STILL believes that he'll leave his wife "one day". (He's the same age)

i assume they’ll split the day one of them leaves in a box. If I was the wife and I found out I’d help him get there faster.

 

[Oohthedrama]

To me the women’s “morals” shouldn’t even come into it. The married mans morals should though.

Tbh threads would be boring if everyone agreed so really is interesting to see the clash of opinions

but the thread is about “the other woman” so I think it’s fair to question their morals or lack of morals.

fully agree with this!!!! And so glad some feel the same. Different opinions make it interesting.

 

[Phil Anne Throw Pee]

I worked with a guy MANY years ago and we fell in love, very hard. He was married with kids and we were great friends. People gossiped about us and we had many nights out, dinner parties at mine. This went on for about 2-3 years, nothing physical ever happened, although he ended up emigrating and the night before he tried to kiss me but I declined. He was the first person I loved I think and I would have done anything for him. We are still in touch on FB, I am now married and have been for 20 years. He told me that he ended up naked in bed with one of his co-workers a while ago so don't know if he has had other 'affairs'. (I don't know if what we had was an affair, I suppose it was as a very strong emotional connection with physical attraction that was never acted on).

 

[justheretoread99]

This is a perfect thread for me because I'm in a situation I could do with some outside advice over.

I've been dating someone on and off for 18 months. Didn't realise he was sleeping around at the same time in the manner it appears he has. Without going into too much detail, he's military, has gone away on deployment for a while and will now be uncontactable for months.

The situation I am in, is that we had spoken about going on holiday together when he was back, I was invited round his parents house, he had spoken about what house we would buy etc. But we weren't specifically exclusive because he wanted to enjoy his time away on deployment and not worry about anyone else etc. Which I accepted. He left for deployment. Then 2 weeks later, I got a message saying he was now seeing someone else. He has gotten a 20 year old, what I can only describe as a child, pregnant whilst he was at home, only a day between us. He wouldn't block my number as I requested and had to beg him to so there was no line of communication between us.

Now I'm in a pickle as i think this girl deserves to know the truth and I want to message her and tell her, as she has no idea about me. But I don't know whether that's the right thing to do. He is nearly 10 years older than her. Should I send the message? I'm not going to be nasty to her it's not her fault I just think she deserves to know, and I don't think I deserve to be kept a secret for his benefit.

HELP!

Oh god what a pickle. Firstly, dating for 18 months- most people would want to be in a relationship by that time. Red flag

Secondly, do you know 100% for sure she is pregnant and it’s his? If it is - sack him off. Just full on sack him off. Wants to live together but doesn’t want to be exclusive as he wants to enjoy his time on deployment? Second red flag selfish behaviour.

Thirdly, a 20 year old is not a child. You need to message her if this is all true. She’s deserves to know. Sooner rather than later. You also need to message him. Even if he’s in contactable you need to email/text/write to him and tell him what you know.

Id end it. He seems like a piece of shit.

 

[justheretoread99]

Ok, drop the attitude when i'm just discussing the topic

Why let yourself be 'the bit on the side', why let yourself be viewed/treated/disrespected like that? & if its just sex, why not get that from someone single? I don't understand the emotional disconnect. As a woman on the side, you are essentially assisting that man to cheat

Again - the man IS to blame. I just personally think if a woman knowingly gets involved, its callous of her.

Im sorry if it comes across as an attitude via typing but Im honestly not giving attitude at all.

If some women are okay with being “the bit on the side” then that’s completely up to them. Not illegal. If they truly love the guy why should they step back and look for someone else who’s “single?”

If a no strings attached situation is what both parties are happy with then the woman is in no way letting herself “be disrespected”. It’s not the 1950’s. Not all women want to be tied down in unhappy marriages. If they want to fuck about they can.

A woman on the side is not assisting to cheat though. There’s no assisting about it. If the man wants to cheat, he most definitely will.

A cheat will not need or look for assistance. They will just do it.

You don’t understand the emotional disconnect (which is fine) and I don’t understand the bitterness towards the other woman when it’s the mans decision to cheat. (which is also fine)

We are clearly going to have to agree to disagree on the “morals”

 

[Begborrowsteal]

If a man says he is in an unhappy relationship whilsy pursuing one with you, dont be a mug. Leave him to grow a backbone.

IMO, it all comes down to morals, self respect and self esteem. Nothing more, nothing less.

 

[Begborrowsteal]

Im sorry if it comes across as an attitude via typing but Im honestly not giving attitude at all.

If some women are okay with being “the bit on the side” then that’s completely up to them. Not illegal. If they truly love the guy why should they step back and look for someone else who’s “single?”

If a no strings attached situation is what both parties are happy with then the woman is in no way letting herself “be disrespected”. It’s not the 1950’s. Not all women want to be tied down in unhappy marriages. If they want to fuck about they can.

A woman on the side is not assisting to cheat though. There’s no assisting about it. If the man wants to cheat, he most definitely will.

A cheat will not need or look for assistance. They will just do it.

You don’t understand the emotional disconnect (which is fine) and I don’t understand the bitterness towards the other woman when it’s the mans decision to cheat. (which is also fine)

We are clearly going to have to agree to disagree on the “morals”

Its not bitterness - its callous to knowingly do something that will hurt someone else, when its for your own selfish needs? This doesnt negate that the responsibility lies with the man though. A man absolutely will cheat if he wants to, of course, I agree. I just dont know why a woman would allow herself to be that person?

If someone is unhappy in a relationship, they need to stop being a coward and end it. Its not the 1950s, and we dont have to stay to save face/for the kids etc. Why get into all the messiness of affairs etc, ya know?

Its not always love though. Like a previous poster said, they didnt care, they 'get on better with men', and just wanted sex - in that type of situation, why not just have that with a single bloke? Why make it messy?

 

[Oohthedrama]

At that time if I'm being honest it would have been a 100% yes. Now after not seeing him for more then half a year and having had time and space it would be a solid no. I know that I was in a vulnerable place and I saw the version of him that I wanted to see.

god I hate when people make excuses, had a feeling you would have because why tell him you had feelings if you weren’t hoping/planning to act on them.

Im glad he was a good man/husband, and I hope they’re still very happy together.

 

[Begborrowsteal]

I absolutely agree, it can be so destructive & affect so many people, not just the immediate people involved. Families of married people are often intertwined & can lead to taking sides etc which is just awful for everyone.

This is my point though, every situation is different. In your case it definitely sounds like the woman was callous & didn’t have a care in the world for the harm she was inflicting. Can I ask if you feel that made it worse for you? Or would it have been worse if real love was involved. I’ve heard people say both, but equally neither is a “good” outcome is it? My friend said she felt able to forgive as she knew it was just a fling, not real love. Just interested in your opinion if you’re willing to share.
Apologies if I sounded dismissive; was not my intent at all.

It felt really cruel from her, as we had met and spoken before and Id actually made an effort to get to know her, asked after her etc. She had no basic respect for me as a person and it was wildly callous. I was discussed in the cheating as though it was all perfectly normal what was happening. She had a boyfriend that she was cheating on too. She was so insecure that she was reaching out for validation and attention. It would be SO easy to hate her and direct anger at her, but I feel pity for her.

It hurt because he threw everything away on a confidence boost. He was an absolute cunt for it, so careless and so selfish. To not value what we had, ya know? He 100000% got the blame. But she definitely got torn a new one for being so selfish and callous. If there was genuine attraction and feelings there, it would be a totally different hurt and heartache!

 

[ASAnigel]

I know what you mean when you say you learnt a lot. Me too. At the time I didn’t realise the impact and fallout on others.

I wrongly assumed that it was only me that would get hurt as I didn’t think she’d ever find out. I figured well if it’s me that’s going to be the one that got hurt then it’s my decision to make type of thing cause I’m doing it to myself.
I was wrong obviously but I was very young and naive.