“The other women”

[Adayinthelife]

But I'm actually interested in why people choose to go down that route

I was ‘in love’ with him. I genuinely harboured ideas of us both leaving our partners and being together forever (vom). In hindsight it was never going to happen, but it wasn’t a calculated ‘let’s f**k up other people’s lives’. His motivation was likely more an ego boost

The thought that I may have somehow contributed to his desire for young girls makes me feel sick.

You had nothing to do with that. Now he *Is* ‘trash’

 

[Maybebaby69]

I have, he was in the army and I had no idea he had a wife and children until my friend stumbled across a second fb account showing his real life..
He was killed in action in Afghanistan and all I hope is his wife never found out what a rat he was in his personal life..

 

[Lulu Goss]

My friend was the other woman for a while and she never seemed bothered about the fact he was living with his long term girlfriend - she was of the opinion that she didn’t know her, he was the one in the relationship so why should she feel guilty when he was the one deciding to cheat and pursuing her.

I struggled with her talking about it like that, because I’ve been with my partner for a long time and the idea of him cheating and the other woman not giving a fuck just put me on edge.

She showed me a dick pic he sent her once, from his bedroom he shared with his girlfriend - her stuff was in the background! It was so brazen.

 

[twizzle38]

Kind of - I’ve been “the other woman” in that I’ve been somebody that straight girls with boyfriends have used to experiment with another woman. As far as I’m concerned the cheating is on them and not me, but I’m not particularly proud of the fact that I only went along with it because it was when I was only just coming to terms with my sexuality and I was a complete mess. They would use the excuse “it doesn’t really count because we’re both girls” (which is obviously homophobic and complete bullshit) and my self-worth was so low that I didn’t believe I deserved more than that. It’s been 5+ years now and I don’t think I’d do it again unless I knew for sure there was a poly agreement and the boyfriend was aware of it

 

[Begborrowsteal]

Making jokes about what their kids name would be, and keeping her 'safe' in that bubble of having her feelings known, and admiring him for keeping boundaries.. nahhhh, he liked knowing he was wanted. He should have said sorry, but no thanks and not entertain it in the slightest.

 

[justheretoread99]

Just because a person has a relationship/sees someone or gets involved with someone else who happens to be in a relationship shouldn’t automatically make them have 0 self respect or morals. Morals and self respect can be subjective per person.

When people throw so much hatred and tar the “other woman” with the same shit (sometimes if not more) as the cheater it just screams insecurity, bitterness and jealousy from the one who’s been cheated on. It’s a very sad situation no doubt.

The cheater is the one in the wrong. They’ve committed the adultery. They are the ones with 0 morals and self respect. Not the single person.

 

[no-no]

Interesting thread not that I’ve been “the other woman”. Having dealt with a narcissist and been cheated on I could never do it to another person. Even the smaller things like female coworkers FaceTiming at night I can see why people get caught up in the ego boost, but I wouldn’t lower myself and would get greater pleasure turning such an eejit down.

If you knowingly go with a man in a relationship you need to work on your self worth ASAP. There’s no other way around it, regardless of the situation. And any man saying their partner is crazy/a crank and pulling the “woe is me” act to another woman is usually projecting and using both of you.

 

[no-no]

This is a perfect thread for me because I'm in a situation I could do with some outside advice over.

I've been dating someone on and off for 18 months. Didn't realise he was sleeping around at the same time in the manner it appears he has. Without going into too much detail, he's military, has gone away on deployment for a while and will now be uncontactable for months.

The situation I am in, is that we had spoken about going on holiday together when he was back, I was invited round his parents house, he had spoken about what house we would buy etc. But we weren't specifically exclusive because he wanted to enjoy his time away on deployment and not worry about anyone else etc. Which I accepted. He left for deployment. Then 2 weeks later, I got a message saying he was now seeing someone else. He has gotten a 20 year old, what I can only describe as a child, pregnant whilst he was at home, only a day between us. He wouldn't block my number as I requested and had to beg him to so there was no line of communication between us.

Now I'm in a pickle as i think this girl deserves to know the truth and I want to message her and tell her, as she has no idea about me. But I don't know whether that's the right thing to do. He is nearly 10 years older than her. Should I send the message? I'm not going to be nasty to her it's not her fault I just think she deserves to know, and I don't think I deserve to be kept a secret for his benefit.

HELP!

There is no pickle, you need to block him and cut contact completely to salvage your dignity. You don’t need to beg him to block you Change your number if you have to. He was future faking with the house (look FF up). The family have seen it play out before, you won’t be the first or last.

I wouldn’t message the new girl. She’ll find out soon enough what he’s like. Move on with your life and work on your boundaries. Might seem harsh but you need to focus on yourself.

 

[Adayinthelife]

I’ll bite. I was the ‘other woman’ - he was married and had three kids. I knew this. I was also married. We entered into an emotional affair willingly and knowingly. It was some of the best times of my life, but the fallout from it was bad for me and not for him (he ‘got away’ with it). I don’t blame him, It was what it was and we both knew what the consequences could be

 

[Sea]

I’m a member, not just a moderator.

also, nobody knows if I’ve been the wife, the partner, the child of a cheating father, so if I want to say a woman who knowingly enters into a relationship with a father and husband is trash, I’ll say it.
It’s a shit thing to do, shit. Especially if kids are involved.
If people can give sympathy and console I’m gonna do similar for the victims of the situation.

It's obvious you've been hurt by an affair somehow.
I do think it's an awful thing to do, a person willingly having an affair.
But I'm actually interested in why people choose to go down that route, doesn't mean I like what they did but doesn't mean I'm going to shut the conversation down by slating them either.

 

[TrolleyParton]

I went through a bit of a phase in my 20s of hooking up with attached dudes. It was mostly a self-protection thing after being really fucked around and badly hurt in relationships - I could have fun knowing it could never go anywhere, I didn't expect anything from any of these people because they were already spoken for, and I wasn't waiting around naively believing that they were going to leave their significant others or anything like that. But it was shitty harmful behaviour, and I'm ashamed of it. I was ultimately in a phase of being very self-destructive and I've grown out of it now. I wouldn't knowingly do it these days. Two things I will say though - cheating is unbelievably common, like 100 times more common than you think and so many people people do it so fucking casually. And, it's actually almost easier to hook up with an attached man than a single one, a lot of attached men are just desperate for some kind of variety, whereas most single dudes seem to think they're going to end up marrying Rihanna.

 

[Moderator]

I think it's time to close this thread if it's not going anywhere good and around in circles.

 

[slugella]

I haven't been. I have been cheated on though, my ex got with our mutual friend that I lived with. They're married now. It was mostly him being weak and not wanting to end the relationship with me, but no excuse. It took me a long time to get over it. I don't have any anger toward them now, but I don't want anything to do with either of them.

My dad cheated on my mum for a long time, and honestly my mum just blossomed once they broke up and has been much happier. So I think that helped me to see getting rid of someone who can treat you like that is a positive. I'm with someone else now and thank my lucky stars that I'm in a better relationship, and it must be weird for them to be married and know their relationship started the way that it did.

It's a terrible thing to do but I don't think it makes someone a terrible person. People make mistakes and can get themselves into a mess for all sorts of reasons. It's frustrating how common it still is that it can be treated as more acceptable when a man does it.

 

[Justwishfulthinking]

I think this is such an interesting topic and so many layers that could complicate things.

Some marriages are not what they seem and very much for financial convenience. Also the level of emotional manipulation can be enormous. Ive seen people claim to be together for 20+ years but one partner has affairs and the other partner allows it or turns a blind eye. So yeah they may look on the surface like the wronged party but they are not only complicit they will benefiting massively.

I used to see everything as black and white or right and wrong. What I’ve learned as I’ve got older all is not what it seems and people are fever complex. A lot of women I know who tolerate affairs are doing it for the financial stability and lifestyle they have because of their relationship/marriage. Or they feel they can’t leave. Also the person having the affair often wants to go but again are tied in financially or even by pressure from their families.

I honestly think it’s a case by case situation. The person choosing to cheat is the one who is creating the situation tho - they have made a commitment and are deliberately choosing to break that trust. On the other hand if a single person was going after a person who was committed to their partner then they are in the wrong as they have made a conscious decision to disrupt a content situation for their gain.

 

[Peaches_xox]

Don't think you owe people basic decency and respect though regardless of whether they're the wife or random joe Bloggs on the street? In the same vain that you wouldn't spit on random people when you walk past them in the street because it would be disrespectful.
The person cheating is absolutely not showing basic decency and respect and is a cheating arse but if you are knowingly enabling someone to cheat then you aren't offering basic decency and respect to the cheated party either. It may not be AS bad but it's still disrespectful and you are still involved in a wrong behaviour knowingly.

I mean did I ever say I had been the other woman? dunno why you’re coming for me like I’ve shagged your fella.

I said on one of the earlier pages on this thread that everybody with a brain cell knows sleeping with somebody else’s partner is wrong. I’ve never disputed that, but there are so many situations where somebody could find themselves as the other woman. In my PERSONAL OPINION nobody owes anybody they’re not committed too or don’t have a friendship with anything.

My view is that whilst ‘the other women’ knows it’s wrong, she doesn’t owe anybody anything. The husband/partner who made decision to cheat is the one who owes decency and respect. Everybody consistently talks about the women being the enabler, like they’re too blame. Almost like they forced this poor man to cheat.

 

[judgejohndeed]

I’m baffled that there’s anything difficult to understand about how upsetting it is when someone you trust implicitly breaks your trust also there’s obviously different degrees of cheating, if my fiancé kissed someone drunkenly at a party I wouldn’t be booting him out but if you consider how many opportunities there are to stop and think ‘hey, maybe I won’t completely destroy my partner’s trust in me’ when it comes to meeting someone, planning the details of an affair/where you’re going to meet etc etc, actually going there and going through it…damn straight I’d be out with the ‘theatrics’ and it has happened to me before.
The person who is in the relationship obviously is at ‘fault’ if you’re looking for someone to ‘blame’ but I’m not sure what can go through someone’s head when there’s children involved tbh. Sure, they’re going to cheat with anyone and it’s not about you…why do you still want that to be you, though? I don’t think it makes you ‘trash’ but I really can’t understand putting sex over knowing you’re going to break up someone’s relationship or family. Like there’s plenty of single men out there. I’ve always found it a bit desperate if I’m honest.

 

[bunsofsteel]

There's always an assumption that the 'other woman' is single. Quite often she too is in a relationship or married.

 

[justheretoread99]

I think you’re looking at it from a legal point of view.
“Adulterer” “illegal”

I’m talking morals, not legal implications

Im an atheist so to me adultery isn’t a law. It’s not even a UK law. Grounds for divorce, absolutely. But not illegal. Selling and supplying drugs, very illegal.

But from a “moral” perspective. If a person sells and supplies drugs that’s on them. If an addict has a bad batch and dies, the addict made the conscious decision to take them. If the addict didn’t have the mental capacity to make a conscious decision then sadly that’s a safeguarding issue. Again totally non-comparable to cheating in a marriage or relationship.

I still don’t get why the woman is to blame for a man making a conscious decision to cheat on his wife.

To me the women’s “morals” shouldn’t even come into it. The married mans morals should though.

Tbh threads would be boring if everyone agreed so really is interesting to see the clash of opinions

 

[whathastheworldcometo]

A friend of mine turned into a bit of a femme fatale after a bad breakup.

She met this guy on a dating app, he had stated "non-monogamy" in his profile. They met and he explained that he had a girlfriend for ten years or so, but was not the monogamous type. He was always interested in other women, even with his first girlfriend.
His current long-term partner does not know that he had always been cheating on her, as he had someone else on the side when they got together she she took this very badly.
He would typically visit the women at home, stay for the evening, have sex and then leave.

My friend invited him to hers once, but then also asked to see his place. He invited her over during the day when both were off work and his girlfriend was at work, they had breakfast in their kitchen, sat and snogged in their lounge and then had sex in the bedroom, on the bed he shared with his girlfriend.

My friend then left and never contacted him again. She didn't feel bad, she laughed when she told me this.

 

[ASAnigel]

I don’t have a problem being called scummy for what I did. I know I was in the wrong for doing it, and it’s nothing my friends haven’t already told me.
I didn’t have low self esteem issues at the time. I fancied him and he was very pushy about wanting to see me again. If he hadn’t been pushy, it would have just been the one time and I’d never have spoken to him again.
I am absolutely not putting all the blame on him - we are both adults, we both made the decision. I have been trying to sit here and decide if I think we are both equally to blame - I can 100% see the reasons why we are.
I was single, yes I got into it with him knowing he was married and that’s absolutely wrong of course.
But, he was the one that committed to someone and married them (and had kids with her although I didn’t know at the time) and he chose to break that commitment and chose to make it physical/emotional and long term. I did however facilitate him being able to do that. Although I did find out it wasn’t just me he was doing it with afterwards.
So is that a 50/50 share of the blame?
I’m fully open to both sides of a discussion about this by the way I’m actually curious as to what others think and why.