I CRASHED AND ALMOST ROLLED OUR MOTORHOME.. (FINNISH LAPLAND, THE ARCTIC CIRCLE)
Vlog starts with sirens and a 911 call. Footage of the fire crew at the ‘crash’ site.
It’s 7 hours earlier. Lazy shows us her empty breakfast plate. She’s a “greedy get and scoffed it all down”. Cackle. She had a cinnamon and honey waffle. Creepstopher is making his way through a full English and has dropped half the beans on the table. Lazy got an extra plate of food for everyone to share. There’s a piece of cake on the plate that she’s put aside for herself.
The Inghams are getting ready to check out of the Levi Hotel and Spa. Creepstopher is in a can’t be bothered mood. Aurora woke them up every hour last night. Lazy thinks the wallpaper is therapeutic for insomniacs.
Lazy is in the bus with Aurora on her lap. She’s wearing a thin knitted cardigan. They’re going to have to revoke her name back to Aura Bella because they haven’t seen the Aurora Borealis this trip. Lazy almost swears at Aurora because she keeps leaning forward to look at the blanket. Aurora’s full name doesn’t come naturally to Lazy and Creepstopher cannot remember it. All the other kids’ names were decided on before they were born. They came up with Aurora early in the pregnancy but didn’t have a second name at all.
Driving. Funeral music. Sounds of a car crash, glass smashing and sirens. A clearly distressed Jace says “Mummy”. Creepstopher aggressively screeches at everyone to stop moving. “You MUST sit still".
Lazy films the snowy road ahead. They’re on the wrong side of the road and the bus is tilted into a ditch. Cackling. They’ve been there for 40 minutes and are calm. Lazy is concerned about the lighting changing as she films her ugly mug. They’re on the most derelict road you could ever imagine. It’s 150km long in total with no turn offs, exits or roundabouts. Smirking. They’re 60km from the end. Every time Lazy moves her arm it feels like the van is moving according to Creepstopher. He's made comments multiple times on this trip about how when your tyre hits a snowbank it drags you in.
No explanation as to how you’re on the wrong side of the road though. The police have been called, as have the RAC as the Inghams have international cover. The closest police station is an hour away.
Why are there no helicopters available to whisk such important British diplomats off to a 5* hotel? “I daren't move” Lazy giggles as she moves her arm to stroke her bowling ball head. They can’t get coats because they’re in the van and the door is submerged in snow.
Aren’t the kids sitting in the back so one of them could get the coats!!
Very very lot grammatically incorrect note onscreen about the bus having snow above Lazy’s door level. The snow would be above head height if they were to stand in it.
The problems with being iddy biddy… Aurora’s height and potentially Mila’s maybe but I would say everyone else is more than capable of standing in that snow without it reaching their heads.
Lazy claims the snow is almost up to her door, which she cannot open. She doesn’t know whether there’s anything underneath them. If they’re in compacted snow that’s not good. They’ve been advised to stay still. Lazy screeches at Creepstopher to stop moving but he says he’s putting more weight on his side.
Maybe he should invite Lazy to sit on his lap. No one has called them but they have heating. Lazy feels sick when she looks out of the window
although the nausea could be because of the baby she’s probably knocked up with so she can try and sue the NHS. She asks Aurora not to cry because she isn’t getting her out of the car seat. Smirking Lazy asks how this has happened. Every car driving past has stopped. Creepstopher leans out of the window and tells a driver the police are on the way. The lady who called the police spoke Finnish and had a pin with her exact location. Creepstopher called the police himself and asked for the fire brigade so they can stabilise the van. You’d be waiting six hours in the UK.
Lazy leans out of the door of the supposedly unstable on her side van to show us the snow is above the tyre. The fire brigade car arrives and advises the Inghams to stay in the van. Lazy giggles and points them out in the wing mirror. They’re awaiting a fire truck. Lazy ensures we hear Creepstopher reciting the accident
for insurance scam purposes to the RAC. The fire brigade arrives. He tells them they’re on their way to Inari. They’re making a road block at either end of the road.
Lazy films her chins. She’s fed Aurora. The guy has dug up the front of the van and determined that it is not unstable. They weren’t sure if they can tow them out. Creepstopher has spoken to the fire chief and the Finnish Tow Truck coordinator. The snow is now waist deep instead of head height so global warming must be speeding up more than we thought.
Quick! Get that clock changed to midnight. Creepstopher got out of the bus and the fire chief said they do these rescues multiple times a day.
One of the rescue crew asks to use the Inghams’ equipment to tow them out. Cackling. Creepstopher gives them the snow chains they need. It warmed up to -10° and then got colder so the snow has turned to ice. Snow lays above the ice and makes it dangerous. Creepstopher aggressively says the wind whipped a load of snow onto the other side of the road, narrowing it to one lane and it came out of nowhere. It sent them to the other side. He kept asking Lazy “what happened what happened?” He then said “the snow bank. It’s got us. It’s got us.” and drove into the ditch. He assured the fire chief he isn’t an inexperienced driver. Giggling. Crazy times.
An hour later Creepstopher is sat in the back of the fire car filming the bus. He seems nicely settled as he films the kids climbing out of the bus. The fire brigade are going to try and tow it out of the ditch themselves. Esmé gets into the car with barefoot Mila, who is wrapped in a blanket.
The fire officers attach chains and inspect the underside of the bus. The girls are giggling and messing about in the back of the car.
The night is getting worse and worse for poor Creepstopher.
I bet he’s regretting his little insurance scam now.
He probably thought the Finnish would wave a magic wand and immediately rescue the VIPs. The fire crew have tried to pull the bus out sideways with the snow chain on one of the rear wheels. It didn’t work. They tried to give the Inghams a number for a heavy duty tow truck and said they were leaving them. Creepstopher said they couldn’t leave them with the baby in-10°. Isla is playing on her phone and Isabelle just looks pissed off, giving him the occasional side eye.
She’s probably a better driver than him, despite having never had a single one of her long ago promised driving lessons. It’s "dangerous as hell" to wild camp on the side of the road.
Haven't they done that many times before though? Camera dies.
This is the most stressful days of the poor poor (maybe) pregnant wife’s life. She and Husband of the Year wrapped in their warm coats and snood but none of the kids have their coats. The fire crew have tried to pull the bus out from the back but it didn’t work. They’re trying to winch it out from the front and it has moved a little so they’re trying again. If they can’t they’ll leave the Inghams in the middle of nowhere for 7 hours until the other tow truck can help. Lazy and the kids may go with the fire crew to a city 50km away whilst Creepstopher stays until the big tow truck thing arrive from 326km away. The tow truck company (in Rovaniemi) has stopped responding to him on WhatsApp.
Creepstopher bleats on about how he really hopes this works. To be continued tomorrow.
End of vlog
“Submerged in snow” but the window is completely clear. It's basically wheel depth.
Car crash, YAYYYYY!!!!!!!