The Château de la Fleur Fanée School of Scrounging
This exclusive school for aspiring scroungers will be opening this summer at Château de la Fleur Fanée. Students will be able to choose from a variety of tailor-made courses that will teach them how to become professional scroungers and launch them on the path to YT fame and fortune. Fees will vary depending on the number of courses followed and the period of training required to qualify as a professional scrounger. Students who show promise (they must have a YT channel with videos showing that they have some aptitude for scrounging, such as asking for Christmas presents in a large shato while keeping a straight face) but who can’t afford the fees may apply for a scholarship – applications must be submitted no later than the end of May. The selection process will take place in the ‘Grand Salon’ and the winning applications (only two a year) will be selected by the school’s staff: Itsnotbelle Jarvis, Scrounger Jarvis, the High Priestess of Greed, Fanny Fanée, ‘Cameltoe’ Philip, and the very gentle and softly spoken Selmar (‘He of the Woods’).
Student accommodation: students shall be accommodated in a series of small poky bedrooms (which haven’t been decorated for years) with ensuite shower facilities. Room service - provided by expert waiter ‘Cameltoe’ Philip - will be available for those who pay an extra fee.
Parking: students will be able to park their cars in the large courtyard, which looks like the entrance to a scrap metal yard.
Course modules:
Hairdressing and make-up – learn how to plaster so much make-up on your face that you become almost unrecognisable and bear a strong resemblance to a dummy in a shop window.
Elocution courses - learn how to speak like the Queen and mispronounce words. Learn to look, act, and behave like the Queen. This is especially important if you wish to attract Americans to your channel and want to make big bucks.
Editing – learn how to spend 70 hours a week knitting together bits of film to create a short vlog that’s so boring no one will want to watch it.
Filming – learn how to follow someone about with a phone all day and film them doing mundane things without laughing (because you’re thinking about the poor schmucks watching the tosh) and ruining the video. Learn how to film and navigate your way around a shato and outside while filming – how to avoid banging into furniture, street furniture, looking like a plonker, etc. Learn how to use a drone without getting it shot down because it’s strayed onto someone else’s property.
Asking for money - lessons in how to ask for money without actually asking for it (the fine art of dropping hints for advanced students). Learn how to master Patreon, GoFundMyLife, BuyMeaCar, Instagrab, and all the other wonderful sources of free tax-free dosh. Learn how to dodge tax -foreign accounts, setting up non-profit associations on false pretences.
Acting classes - how to put on airs and graces, how to look desperate when you’ve got tons of dosh in the bank and property in London.
Lessons on how to mispronounce simple words in French
Those who qualify will receive a special certificate in scrounging signed by Scrounger Jarvis, the High Priestess of Greed. Lectures from famous professional scroungers such as ‘Teabag’ Petherdick and Bodger Billy will be given in the conference room (the low-ceiling Grand Salon). There will be a gift shop containing cakes in the shape of the shato and life-size effigies of Scrounger Jarvis (from Madame Tussauds) complete with faux blonde hair and pushed-up boobs. Deluxe models will have a button on the left boob, which, when pressed, will play The Who’s ‘Eyesite to the Blind’. Students may apply to join the Shato Greed Sect or the Greed Cult, during which they may be required to worship an effigy of SJ at least once a week.
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about Billy or Gwen or Ma or Sadie or Philly and His A or Ryan or the weirdo couple (she who dresses like someone from The Bletchley circle), and though I like Dan I don’t care about his life or his A or his kitchen so I guess I just have to ignore and scroll on by.... maybe I am guilty of having had a teeny tiny flounce.