The advice thread for random problems #5

[littlepup]

All of it?

You need specific goals and work backwards to see how you can achieve them. I don’t think TikTok and the like are the place for advice. Look at what you want your life to be for yourself, what makes you happy. Social media makes it too easy to get sucked into someone else’s idea of success or a perfect life.

 

[Captainmouse]

Online courses of some sort, not all need sound

 

[TwooTwooTwitTwitTwoo]

Thank you, I’ve put them in my spam box, one managed to slip through, I feel I’m wasting police time reporting them, I’ve not replied to any just screenshot & save. I’m constantly on edge in case he approaches me, I feel paranoid people are watching me & reporting back what I’m doing, I’ve stopped going out with friends in case I bump into him. Just go to work & come home. Even the threat of arrest doesn’t seem to bother him for breach of bail conditions.

You're not wasting police time at all. What he's doing is harrassment. Keep a record of everything and keep reporting it.

 

[becca7721]

There’s nothing you can do, either accept he is this way, and find a way to ignore OR move out - that’s a difficult choice to make I know but he isn’t going to listen to reason here it sounds like he’s made his mind up it’s your fault so that’s it. The arrears will build, he will face losing his home (and any chance of another with arrears) and you risk being dragged into that as well if you stay.

 

[becca7721]

Three months ago I was a victim of a crime. Went to police who were at the time of reporting helpful and sympathetic. BIT I wasn’t given a reference number or any paper. A week later I was assigned the same officer as the person who committed the crime. Person breached bail but officer refused to do anything as “no point”. This officer last rang me two months ago to say they’d let me know what was going on. Nothing since, except 111 refused to come see me as the property can only be visited with armed police.

All day I’ve had calls from an unknown number (police told me not to answer withheld or unknown numbers) which I’ve answered and was asked how satisfied I am with how my case WAS handled.

Am devastated.

I’ve told no one the details, and no one knows the number except police who have put on their social media yesterday how they’re zero tolerance to what I went through and, a victim support policy which is a load of rubbish.

I don’t know what to do. Thoughts?

 

[ChubClubThug]

I think Evri are going for the record here


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sorry I don’t think they are in order

Sorry for laughing, but that is absolutely ridiculous! They must have malfunctioned or it's a glitch on the system

Makes me think of the jokes when they changed their name: Evri, because there's every chance you're not getting your parcel!

 

[becca7721]

It’s really tough when your family isn’t the stereotypical “caring, there regardless of what’s happening” relationship.

 

[becca7721]

I can’t put more details, and understand that makes it hard to advise, sorry.
I appreciate your comments, thankyou.

I had to involve the Police a couple of years ago and it really was like pushing water uphill with a fork. The local officer only appeared to work part time, and when sent to investigate, was completely whitewashed by the other party. I was furious and refused to let it drop - it may have been a mistake but I eventually was given his email address by the woman I kept ringing and that was when I started to make headway. I threatened to make a complaint as I hadn't been taken seriously, and once investigated properly, he eventually managed to pass the file to the CPS and they agreed to charge the other party. Took around 7 months mind, and I was nearly pulling my hair out over it.

Thats awful. Looking on their social media shows a lot of comments like this. I’m not anti police but I understand why people are.

ETA landlord still harassing me to get out, had another ‘reminder’ email of that today as well. I honestly am struggling to cope with everything at once. It’s too much. I got someone to help mentally with hoarding and help me with getting rid of things, which I began doing but the police incident means I can’t cope with the therapy so they’ve stopped it. I just find myself so overwhelmed I can do nothing, like I’m trapped inside my body and my body just won’t do anything at all. Scary.

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

We all have each other’s numbers. I realise there are two separate issues at play here - the behaviour of the employee going through all the timesheets and the fact she was able to access the timesheets.

The former has been raised to her manager though this is very far from the first time she’s been reported for bullying. The issue about the accessibility of the timesheets is something I raised already due to previous incidents of this employee going through them and sharing information she found in them with others. The response I got was that the hours worked are not secret which sort of missed the point a bit.

It‘s not that I have anything to hide and my hours/breaks are completely legit. I just object to a colleague analysing my timesheet, making assumptions and then stirring shit by going round misrepresenting it and accusing me and others of fraud. Personally, I feel that completed timesheets are confidential and should only be used by your manager and payroll but I accept that this may not be standard practice.

Completed timesheets are not confidential, unless maybe specified in your contracts. However you certainly can make a formal complaint about this employee. That is out of order and your manager should be doing something about it.

 

[becca7721]

Another day, another delivery drama.

I was expecting a package today. At 6am, I received an email stating the package will be delivered today.

I checked the tracking at 8am and it said they attempted delivery at 6.10am this morning but it failed, so I have to go pick up the item myself at their delivery unit.

What? What kind of service delivers at 6am? What kind of nonsense is this? Surely this is a fake update because they can’t be bothered to deliver to this area.

I’ve never heard of any national post service delivering packages to private persons at 6am!

The kind that takes the mick. I’ve had this happen to me. They swore blind they had attempted delivery minutes after it reached a depot - about an hours drive from me; where they told me to go. So I told them where to go - google maps, and explain to me how their driver managed an hours journey (it always takes longer due to issues with address system they use) in minutes and in the end they agreed it hadn’t been done. The driver, when they turned up had a right go at me. I’m disabled had zero chance of collecting it and, they had lied.
But no. I was in the wrong

I’ve had deliveries at really stupid times, really early and really late. But I’d say yours wasn’t genuine update.

 

[Mamacita]

I agree. There must be more to the story than somebody looking at people. I mean you can’t go through life looking at the ground/sky for fear of upsetting the other half.
I’d also leave.

I think often the difference between looking at people and staring at attractive women is pretty obvious. Unfortunately I often see men who are clearly with their partners blatantly twisting their heads to look at attractive women. I think that's disrespectful.

 

[BearOnChair]

I used to do a 6 -2 shift so got up at 5am most days for ages. Winter was the worst as well as the first 10 minutes out of bed but after that it was good, especially finishing work at 2pm!

 

[Bloody orange Hell]

@Pixiecow

I have an update for you!
My licence had been expired longer than yours. I applied for the new one online on Tuesday or Wednesday - can’t rememher. Paid the £14 fee.
Just received my new one in the post!

Unfortunately I still look like an Eastern European terrorist from the 1970s in my photo, but at least I’ve now got a valid licence and did not get in trouble.

 

[Rodneytrotter]

The best way to lose people like this is to bore them into submission. They want the oxygen of attention, if you ignore them they can go off the deep end. So be perfunctory, answer only what they ask, don’t ask any questions back. When they realise they’re not getting the attention they move onto someone else.

I’d suggest sending a photo of the cat, saying they are fine as are your mum and dog. You hope she’s settled in well to her new home.

If she responds straight away leave it at least 3 days before replying. Again keep it brief, answer her questions, do not ask any of your own, keep the conversation closed down.

I managed to offload someone who turned out to be a total nightmare narcissist using this method. If I’d have tried to block I dread to think what they would have done given some of the stories they shared on enacting revenge on people for very minor things. They completely lost interest in me and blocked me on social media pretending they were taking a break from it!

This is great advice! I have nothing to add except I have also been in a position where I've been worried about a certain person showing up. I created a plan of what I would do if they did indeed turn up and it's made me feel a bit more in control.

 

[Snippysnips]

Does anyone compare themselves to others? And if you had a friend who said they’re not comparing themselves to others anymore would you assume they think they’re better than others and self righteous. I have a friend who does this constantly and such a negative way of thinking. I’ve told her I don’t want to engage in those types of conversations anymore where put self down and now she thinks I think I’m better than her?! I’m just trying to be kinder to myself so I make better choices

I used to an found it exhausting because you can only compare on what you see an people are only going to let you see the good things, you never see any of their bad moments/struggles etc I don't know why I done it, I think it's a natural thing to automatically try an live up to what you see but realistically you can't

So now I don't, I've also learned to stop caring what other people think as well, I used to believe people would constantly think about every little thing you done so I'd make sure I was always at my best an could do whatever for them, but reality is they don't, they have their own thoughts to deal with an you don't take up much of their thoughts

So focus on you, focus on what makes you happy an what's good for you, ignore what others think an realise you can't compare your everyday to their performed good, it makes such a difference to your mental health when you put yourself first an do what makes you happy, when you are happy anyone else's happiness is going be a bonus to you

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

Hi Guys,

Hopefully you don’t mind me posting here but i’m not sure where else to go for advice. I’m hoping I won’t ramble on too much but here i go.

I started a new job at the start of the year with a couple of other new starters. I got on really well with a guy here and we became friends quickly, at the time he had recently broken up with his girlfriend. A few months passed and i started hanging around with his friends and him and we really started to like each other. Only recently though have we started going on dates as we didn’t want to rush anything. These dates have all been great and we both still really like each other.

However, one of the other new starters at work has been acting strange recently. She and I were close friends until over the last few weeks when my opinion of her has really changed. She’s 50 and i’m in my early twenties. I pinpoint the change in her behaviour to when i told her me and the guy had been on a proper date. Before this she was very supportive of me and nice. I’m going to list her odd behaviours since this though:

1) she pointed out a scar on my arm and asked if i was going to get it covered, i said no and she replied with ‘ew, i definitely would’

2) constantly talking about a boob job she had when she was younger (she’s never mentioned in before now but recently hasn’t stopped)

3) pointed out a spot i had when in a conversation with me and the guy

4) i had an awful migraine that lingered for a few days, she copied every symptom but made a huge deal about it in front of the guy

5) started talking to him in a strange baby voice? whilst perched on his desk

6) stormed out of work nearly crying so he’d follow her (which he did)

7) constantly texting him about the football despite not knowing as much as she thinks she does and consistently calling lamine yamal jamal…

8) just constantly pointing out my flaws in front of him

She recently mentioned how she’s not been sleeping with her boyfriend as he’s not interested so i’m wondering if that’s why her behaviour is so strange but it seems like odd timing? I was one of few people in work who liked her until this and she’s still following me around constantly.

Me and the guy might go to make a coffee together or go shop at lunch just to spend some time together but she keeps following us and just not allowing us any alone time. He hasn’t noticed and doesn’t see her as anything but nice and if i point it out i’m just going to look jealous. I’m just not sure what i’m supposed to do? He’s not my boyfriend yet either so i feel like i have even less of a right to say something. She’s went from someone i really liked and trusted to making snide remarks so suddenly.

She spends a lotttttt of time in the pub with a bunch of guy friends and doesn’t seem to have any meaningful female friendships. I hate the term but she’s like a 50 year old pick me…

I’m just not sure what exactly i’m supposed to do? i’m not into confrontation but i fear that if she carries on i’ll blow up on her or it’ll affect my relationship with the guy.

Just be honest with him and say you feel like she is picking on you and that you will have to start keeping your distance from her. You don't have to give him a list but just mention that it's making you feel upset and anxious as how to deal with it. Tbh this will also be a good test to see how he's going to react and if he minimises your feelings

If you are not confident confronting her then it's best to start distancing yourself and avoiding her. The issue is if you dont do this and then blow up you'll end up looking like the asshole.

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

Not a problem as such but need to buy a birthday gift for a 1 yr old - neighbour’s child. Spend would be £30 quid. What do you suggest?

I had this toy as a toddler and loved it, honestly can still remember it! Bought it recently for a family members toddler and he also loved it. To the fact it made some people a bit cross because he wanted to play with my toy and not the expensive toy they bought him
And if you want to get more maybe aomething like bath books and a nice blanket. I gave a friend some lovely blankets from M&S for her baby and they loved it

https://www.argos.co.uk/product/3434051

 

[1617]

Have you spoken to him about it?

If you’re compulsively obsessing about something the best is to catch yourself and tell yourself to stop thinking about it, the more you do, the bigger it becomes. You’re overestimating the risk. What is him checking someone out actually doing or mean? Probably nothing realistically.
However, it might be helpful to understand what about is bothers you? Has it always bothered you, has he always done it? Could you be scared he’s looking for someone else, doesn’t pay you enough attention, comparing…? Can you break it down to get to the heart of the problem and address how you can overcome that.
It may be that unless you can address how it’s making you feel, he could stop looking and you’d find or suspect another behaviour in him that would make you feel the same.

Incidently I think most everyone does it, not just men. We all look at others, check out someone attractive, male or female. Not because we want to sleep with them, it just draws the eye.

Soooo I brought it up this evening.... he has now packed his bags and left. I truly believe right now it was more of a case of gut instinct being right and him no longer being invested 🥲 I just can't see how me approaching my feelings has ended it all. Happy saturdayyyyyy

 

[Bloody orange Hell]

@houdini

Does your child go to nursery? I would talk to them about it if you find them helpful. Also if they are about to go to school, definitely talk to the school in advance and utilise their support
I separated ~6yrs ago - it was hard but kids are doing so much better and I’m so much happier too.
Mediation and family therapy can help facilitate good co-parenting, if you are willing to work together.

Information on under 5y/o mental health and parental separation

Managing a separation | Gingerbread

Separating from your child’s other parent isn’t easy, and decisions can feel overwhelming. Here’s some guidance for both you and your children.

www.gingerbread.org.uk

Parents' A-Z Mental Health Guide | Mental Health Advice

Our A-Z guide to support has information and advice on how to help your child with specific mental health conditions, and difficult feelings & life events.

www.youngminds.org.uk

Children's mental health - Every Mind Matters

See tips and advice for parents and carers on how to support children and young people's mental wellbeing, and give them the best chance to stay healthy.

www.nhs.uk

Find support for child in your area
https://www.barnardos.org.uk/get-support/services

Support for parents of young kids

Home-Start UK

Home-Start is a local community network of trained volunteers and expert support helping families with young children through their challenging times. We are there for parents when they need us the most because childhood can’t wait.

www.home-start.org.uk

Support & advice for families | NSPCC

Explore expert support and advice for every parenting challenge. Whether in calm or chaos, we guide parents and carers through the ups and downs.

www.nspcc.org.uk

Support for you

Mental Health Awareness Week 2024 | Donate to Mind

Donate to Mind this Mental Health Awareness Week 2024, and help us make sure no one faces a mental health problem alone. Donate today.

www.mind.org.uk

Find NHS talking therapies for anxiety and depression

If you live in England and are aged 18 or over, you can access NHS talking therapies services for anxiety and depression.

www.nhs.uk

https://hubofhope.co.uk/ (find mental health support in your area)

Also look at the Gingerbread site above - it supports single parents.

 

[Rodneytrotter]

So I sent a cat picture to the crazy stalking ex-neighbour with some generic message of everyone is doing well, enjoying the last of the summer. She responded normally - said she's glad he's happy and wishes me all the best. All good and peaceful.

Today I see she's tagged me in a comment on Facebook. She had found me on Facebook when she lived nearby and I had, stupidly, accepted the request (back when she seemed relatively normal). She began to tag and send me 6, 7 memes a day - to the point where I had to tell her several times I just don't use Facebook, I don't check my messages, I'm not on often. I set my account so she wouldn't see when I was online (I call/message my daughter using it so I am on a lot).

The comment was on a post of a complete stranger to me, she'd shared a 'happy ginger cat day' post. The crazy neighbour commented saying she's so very very sad that I don't realise she needs me to reach out proactively rather than her asking for updates and it breaks her heart after she 'entrusted' the cat to me. She tagged me in the comment.

I'm honestly speechless - I answer every message she sends, but I don't reach out spontaneously because quite frankly she's easily encouraged and her behaviour is quite scary (she's previously turned up at my door uninvited). She reads into everything and wants us to be best friends. I'm scared of proactively messaging because I don't want her to think I want more of a relationship.

I've explained why I'm scared to go no-contact before considering she knows my address and legally I'm not quite sure where I stand with the cat (and there's no way I'm giving him back). But Jesus, what would you do???

Sounds like an attention seeking move from her. Ignore and continue to grey rock.