The advice thread for random problems #5

[Snippysnips]

He's my mechanic but he's also very interested in dating me. He says he meant it as a joke but it didn't come across that way to me.

Definitely a red flag, if he's like that when he's trying to date you then what is he going be coming out with when he's more comfortable around you? especially in front of friends, He sounds like a right ass, can you get another mechanic? I know it can be hard to find if you have went to him for years but if ask around for recommendations maybe you can find another an then block him out your life, you don't need people constantly bringing up the past refusing to let you move past it

An the whole "joke" thing is a bs excuse, people use that when they release the other isn't too happy about it an they don't want to admit they were wrong with being a cheeky prick

 

[HoGi]

How do you deal with the senior person on your team asking you why you’re taking annual leave (that you’re entitled to)? Our manager approves it, but we only see him once a month, if that, but we need to let this senior person know when we are off.
It’s not a huge deal, I just don’t see why I have to justify why we take time off. Just because they over share, doesn’t mean the rest of the team want to. I could go down the “I’d rather not say” route, but that isn’t going to stop them from asking in the future.

It might stop them.

I used to ask "doing anything nice?" Thinking I was just being friendly/chatty/nice manager and then one of my team gave me that response and I thought shit, I have been really nosey!! So now I just approve it and pop it on the calendar.

 

[_basic_]

Hi everyone, coming back to this thread after a couple of months!

Things have been much better with my best friend, her and my boyfriend have been getting on great. However...we've now been invited to the actual engagement party for his best friend and fiancee (who the post above is about) and I'm struggling to know how to navigate it with my best friend. I don't want to not go to the party, as it's my boyfriends best mate and he is a groomsman at the wedding. But I am dreading telling my best friend in case she falls out with me again. I feel like our last convo ended in a good place, with her saying that she understands that I'm going to have to see them but I'm not sure if me actively going to their engagement party is a bit seperate to that... Advice please??

I think your best friend is out of order doing what she did and I don’t blame the sister for what she did either! Doesn’t seem like she has any reason other than jealously to be acting this way and she has no right to tell you what to do. I would go to the party and if she falls out with you then let her, she’s being unreasonable and you sound too nice to be putting up with that kind of nonsense

 

[Thank(space)you]

My youngest daughter came home last night, her boyfriend made her come to see me as she's been very low recently and tearful. She's on the mini pill (progestogen) and I'm wondering if that's not helping as it's unusual for her to be so teary and anxious. She said she feels like she's on the verge of a panic attack all the time.... just wondering how to help her

I've no further input for the advice as you've got a lot of good replies further up but I just wanted to say how lovely it is of both her boyfriend and you to be so supportive and understanding

 

[didisaythatoutloudoops]

Hmm it's tricky if she's being smart by using the words "entrusted" an hasn't just outright said it's yours, am not sure how it works but I'd imagine there's some sort of time limit on it like if it's been over a year then surely she can't suddenly have claims to the cat again or be entitled to any news of said cat

How old is it? If it's getting on I know it sounds cruel an nasty but could you say it's passed on?

I'd still do what clickbait said an just really limited the messages, even take a few days to reply an say you are just busy an keep them short, I hope she eventually leaves you alone, it must be incredible annoying an frustrating that she keeps at you

That's the tricky thing, the microchip has my details on (not hers) but legally I don't know where I stand - and I'm not exactly keen to pay a lawyer (although I'm sure they'd have a right laugh). He's 15 so plausibly I could say he's gone to kitty heaven, although if it somehow backfired I'd be royally screwed!

It is just so frustrating. Sorry to moan (and feel free not to read) but the cat actually 'moved in' to mine because he was so miserable at hers - badly fed, bullied by her other cats, he came in through my garden. He was actually living at mine for two years before I found out he was owned - she hadn't even microchipped him (I put a flyer through local postboxes as he hadn't turned up for a few days and I was worried, she'd shut him in due to cold weather). I must have gone round to hers 5, 6 times in total. We weren't friends. We never were. We've never been for a meal or even a coffee. She came round once - she'd got a new cat, not socialised it, and one she already owned (another one!) fought with it so much that cat had moved into mine too and wouldn't go home for six weeks. When she moved homes she realised he was miserable at hers and SHE suggested I keep him - which I did.

Now her narrative is that she heartbreakingly gave up a cat she loved so much to a very very dear friend who promised to send her constant updates for the rest of his life.

 

[Squittel]

I’ve been feeling very low these last couple of weeks and I have my appraisal at work tomorrow. I’ve got to write about all the things I’ve done, and my achievements etc but with my low mood I’m finding it really difficult to write anything.

I feel like I’ve achieved nothing and I’m a crap worker. Every time I try to write anything positive there’s just this voice telling me I’m not good enough and I’m bad at my job. I feel like if I write anything positive my manager will just laugh in my face and tell me I’m scum.

She won’t do that but my brain is not functioning correctly and I feel so down about it.

I’m stuck in this awful rut and it’s really lonely.

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

One jacket that's warm, even in May it can get cold at night, especially if you're by the sea. Obviously bathing stuff, a cardigan, then a dress if you wear those, leggins for under the dress (you can pack them in a bag if you go out for food in the evening and put them on later if it's cold if you're gonna take a walk around), a couple shirts, one pair of shorts, one pair of trousers and you'll be set methinks.

Thank you, I literally pack like I think I’m going to shit myself several times a day I’m struggling with the cutting down.
What’s an easy way to dress up a bit for the evening but could probably double for day time dressed down?

 

[Hastaggifted]

Hello all,

I am just looking for your opinions on this…

I am 34 and still in my childhood home with my mum. She’s a tad controlling sometimes but overall we get on so well, we watch all the same things and love each others company.

What are your opinions on people being at home in their 30s? I’ve been exploring moving out but in all honesty I don’t want to leave. My cat is here too and I couldn’t bear leaving her. Should I just suck it up and go though?

If you're happy and it works for you, why should you leave? What is it that's making you feel you should move out?

 

[Thank(space)you]

I hope your mum's surgery goes well today!

Thank you, very nervous but hoping for the best

 

[Clickbait]

So I sent a cat picture to the crazy stalking ex-neighbour with some generic message of everyone is doing well, enjoying the last of the summer. She responded normally - said she's glad he's happy and wishes me all the best. All good and peaceful.

Today I see she's tagged me in a comment on Facebook. She had found me on Facebook when she lived nearby and I had, stupidly, accepted the request (back when she seemed relatively normal). She began to tag and send me 6, 7 memes a day - to the point where I had to tell her several times I just don't use Facebook, I don't check my messages, I'm not on often. I set my account so she wouldn't see when I was online (I call/message my daughter using it so I am on a lot).

The comment was on a post of a complete stranger to me, she'd shared a 'happy ginger cat day' post. The crazy neighbour commented saying she's so very very sad that I don't realise she needs me to reach out proactively rather than her asking for updates and it breaks her heart after she 'entrusted' the cat to me. She tagged me in the comment.

I'm honestly speechless - I answer every message she sends, but I don't reach out spontaneously because quite frankly she's easily encouraged and her behaviour is quite scary (she's previously turned up at my door uninvited). She reads into everything and wants us to be best friends. I'm scared of proactively messaging because I don't want her to think I want more of a relationship.

I've explained why I'm scared to go no-contact before considering she knows my address and legally I'm not quite sure where I stand with the cat (and there's no way I'm giving him back). But Jesus, what would you do???

Ignore the FB comment. You’ve said you’re not on there, she doesn’t know you’ve seen it. No one who knows you will see it if you don’t comment on it. Do not engage with her on FB - keep the contact limited to just replying to her texts (and of course only replying to texts she sends). She’s trying to draw you back into conversation in different forums now she can’t just turn up on your doorstep and expect to speak to you. It doesn’t seem it, but this means the slow freeze is working.

She’ll drop the FB angle if she doesn’t get any engagement on there. You might get more texts but keep to the plan of bland non-committal replies and you will see the back of her soon.

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

Not really a problem as such... I'm staying in Central York one night this week. The hotel I'm at doesn't have a restaurant. I've had a Google and there's a few possible options but I'm feeling a bit anxious because I'll be on my own.

Is anyone from York or goes there often and would recommend anywhere? I'd quite fancied a proper meal but I'm wondering if I should just sack that off and get a Maccies or similar.

I travel by myself often, even abroad. Don’t let being on your own put you off.
I’ve not been to York but what I normally do is look online or get recommendations and then just rock up. The goid thing about eating by yourself is the no judging! So what if you go for three courses? Who cares if you have three desserts
---
PS if some of the anxiety is around “ walking” around by yourself at night then ask the restaurant to order you a cab

 

[JoeBloggs]

My youngest daughter came home last night, her boyfriend made her come to see me as she's been very low recently and tearful. She's on the mini pill (progestogen) and I'm wondering if that's not helping as it's unusual for her to be so teary and anxious. She said she feels like she's on the verge of a panic attack all the time.... just wondering how to help her

Good on the boyfriend. Perhaps a visit to the doctors or sexual health clinic as I always found them more helpful and perhaps she might like for you to join her, is the pill a new thing?

 

[chickhicks86]

Thank you, I appreciate the help

I hope your mum's surgery goes well today!

 

[tomato_paste]

So I work in an office with no choice to WFH as there's some physical aspects. But 90% of the time I'm sat on my PC, bored out of my mind endlessly scrolling tattle

Is there anything I can do on my PC, without the need of headphones, to be productive? My screen is obscured from the rest of the office so could realistically do anything. I just feel like I should be doing something with my time that gives me more value...

I've done some Duolingo but not being able to do the listening/speaking aspects feels like cheating.

You can read books on Amazon via the Web UI for Kindle.
You could earn some money with surveys or stuff (https://old.reddit.com/r/beermoney/ has quite a few resources).
If you're good with grammar or other stuff, you could do some work on Fiverr or other platforms (there's author specific platforms as well) to be a proof reader.
If you speak a second language, you could do translations.
If you want to get into investing, also something you could do from your computer.
Writing a novel, creating a blog, learning graphic design, ...

Just, please, be aware that your company might be monitoring your internet traffic. Not a given but they could. Depends on what your security policy says, or even your work contract.
Also please be aware that some companies have a clause in their work contracts that anything created on a work computer and / or during working hours, they might retain the intellectual property of. Just to make sure you're not going to get into hot water there.

 

[littlepup]

Thank you for your lovely words. I have spoken with others about how I am feeling but they have all found their SO so I don’t think they really ‘get it’ and they don’t want to go out because they live their own lives. It’s so hard to explain what I’m feeling. It’s pure emptiness and loneliness. Sometimes I think what’s the point in being here, nobody would care or even notice. I’ve pondered that thought a lot over the last few months.

I’m sorry you’re feeling that way. As you have a son who would miss his mother I’m concerned if you’re not recognising if you’re having a bit of a MH misfire rather than it being simple loneliness.
I’m not saying it’s the case here but sometimes we tell ourselves “if only xyz, then I’d feel better, it’s just that” instead of looking at the big picture and accepting we’re not coping so well in general.
When we’re feeling empty we can clutch at things that we think would give a big hit of emotion but if we don’t address the underlying issue, it mightn’t work.
Is there a professional you can speak to, to help you arrange your thoughts? Or perhaps speak to the GP about feeling numb (I think you’re saying that’s how you feel).
If it’s loneliness and purpose, hell, you could get a dog! But if it’s a feeling of being alone in a room full of people, that’s a different story imo.
I’m no MH professional so I apologise if im missing or overstepping the mark. I’ve had some therapy for my own thoughts though and it’s helped me to recognise normal levels of self doubt, detachment etc and when it’s informed by previous experiences and more serious. I’d recommend it if you can.

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

Not really a “problem” but does anybody else feel asexual the older you get? I really can’t be arsed with it all.

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

Our house went on the market 2 days ago and today we've received a planning notification from the attached house. Bit annoyed as we know them well and they've never said anything about it.

It's for a massive extention.

But do we object or not? I believe there are material grounds and i wouldnt like to live next to itif we're staying. The estate agent said wait and see what people say but we'd loose the time to object if we're not careful.

What would you do??

Get your objections in now. When you sell the buyers will be made aware of it and might be put off

 

[Snippysnips]

Has anyone got any advice for me regarding how to support a child through a relationship break up? I think I’m going to be leaving my partner soon and we have a preschool age child. She’s a very sensitive child and I’m so worried of the repercussions this is going to have on her. I feel riddled with guilt but I’ve tried to make it work for so long and it’s gone too far now. What can I do to make it less traumatic for her?

You could look into mental health therapy, they cover a ton including things like parents breaking up, grief, emotions etc, I think some schools now have a councillor there but I don't know about preschool, some of our preschool/nurseries are connected to the primary school but if yours isn't or they aren't at preschool/nursery then you could maybe look online at what is offered in your community an see if there's anywhere that could help especially because they are so young, I know at my business it's from age 7 up we will only see

But advice wise, things I've picked up from working in this type of environment is make sure she knows this isn't because of her, talk her through it, allow her to voice everything, an when the time comes that your partner moves out, completely redo her room, allow her to pick what she wants an go for different colours, bedding, curtains etc, memories are also connected to smells so completely change her bath stuff, shampoo, make it a fresh start for her, it might help, I know it sounds weird the whole bath thing but if your partner has been doing bath time an they are no longer there the stuff they used can subconscious bring back memories through smell so she might get upset but won't understand why she's upset

 

[littlepup]

I am about to burst into flames today.

I have two large furniture consignments which were due for delivery today. The driver rang me to ask me to meet him at the gate at the opposite end of the building.

I politely asked him if he could help me carry the packages to my building door (not inside) as they are too heavy to carry alone and I am on my own. The driver said he doesn’t want to because he ‘doesn’t have time’ and told me to 'wait until Monday then'. I’d highlighted to him the fact that I’d seen him multiple times inside the complex bringing much smaller packages the size of a book to other recipients. I’d seen him this week three times in the building. He said he only does that ‘when he wants to’.

This is completely unprofessional of an attitude and response. I specify that I did not ask him to get them inside the building, but just as close as possible to the building

Now, instead of getting my packages today within due time, I am now compelled to wait until next week because the driver 'doesn’t have time' and is therefore dictating when I can or can’t get my packages based on his own personal terms.

I’ve decided I won’t accept the delivery when it comes back again and have already escalated to both the retailer & shipping company. If I accept this delivery after this incident, he’ll do it with everyone. Disgusting. He ruined my moment anyways because I was so excited to revamp my bedroom.

Have you checked the details on the order. If it says kerbside delivery or specifies where they deliver to?

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

Oh yes I give her basically what she pays for her mortgage on a monthly basis and I help out around the house. Thank you, that’s comforting to hear that actually. She can be annoying and a bit much but she’s the best x

Nah, it’s just judged here. In loads of other countries inter-generational living is very normal. In fact it’s actually really good for families to have grandparents living with them