The advice thread for random problems #5

[ChubClubThug]

Hello all,

I am just looking for your opinions on this…

I am 34 and still in my childhood home with my mum. She’s a tad controlling sometimes but overall we get on so well, we watch all the same things and love each others company.

What are your opinions on people being at home in their 30s? I’ve been exploring moving out but in all honesty I don’t want to leave. My cat is here too and I couldn’t bear leaving her. Should I just suck it up and go though?

Are you staying from guilt of leaving your mum to fend for herself and fear or the unknown? Or are you genuinely happy?

A lot of the time as you say, society makes us feel we should be doing the things with our lives that is deemed as "normal" or you've failed at life. I think as long as you're mostly happy ( no one is happy all of the time) you're doing just fine! And you're winning at life. It's no one else's business how you live and what works for you. I think it's quite normal these days to be at home longer thanks to the high costs, it is impossible for many to make a home alone.

Just have some savings behind you for the future if possible, as things can change in the blink of an eye as I've learnt the hard way in life. Or one day you may change your mind or have different circumstances, so at least you'll have options

 

[Rxt156]

Soooo I brought it up this evening.... he has now packed his bags and left. I truly believe right now it was more of a case of gut instinct being right and him no longer being invested 🥲 I just can't see how me approaching my feelings has ended it all. Happy saturdayyyyyy

He LEFT?!? OH MY GOODNESS. It sounds like your gut was right about this man. You deserve better than someone who will just up and leave before reassuring you. Men suck. I. Am so sorry

 

[Pixiecow]

Thank you! I don’t want the authorities onto me . I’ll update - hopefully not from prison…

 

[tomato_paste]

Soooo I'm getting to a point where I'm feeling super bad about my low performance at my job.

First issue - I'm super bored with the topic matter, I've been doing the same stuff for 3.5 years now and it's just not a challenge any more.

Secondly, I'm suffering from depression and it just makes me feel like there's simply no point in doing anything about it. I'm already on anti- depressants and in therapy but (and that's a general life problem) I don't feel like anything ever changes - that NIN song "Every Day Is Exactly The Same" expresses it perfectly. I feel like I've been in a holding pattern since the start of the pandemic, and nothing every changes and I hate it. But nothing feels right to change either. I have been thinking about moving (abroad), switching jobs, getting rid of my whole old life basically, but I'm unconvinced it will do anything because at the end of the day I'm taking myself with me.

Loneliness is a big topic as I WFH and don't have any work colleagues close by where I could meet one or two days a week. I now have a roommate but we don't talk much - we get along but it's not like we're friends. I can feel the difference when I meet friends, but then I feel bad because it means leaving work early(ish) to meet them because I don't have set hours so I tend to start late and my depression is giving me sleep issues and my anti- depressants make me tired AF so I have a hard time getting up in the morning - so it's a thing of feeling bad if I do meet friends (bc of not working enough) and feeling bad if I don't (bc then I feel very lonely). And of course they have their own life and their partners and I'm just painfully single.

I just don't get consistent performance from myself any more and it's so tiring, neither at work nor in my private life. I have some days where I feel like the old me, where I'm interested in my work and the code just flows, but there's more days where I just stare at the screen and nothing makes sense any more. I hate it, I really do. Even when I had nothing going for me, I could still rely on my brain - seems like that is also leaving me in the lurch. Some days it feels like I should really just quit life entirely and I know that that is not normal at all. It's just tiring to be fighting against myself all the time (and I mean literally my whole life, I don't remember a time when I wasn't depressed to some degree).

 

[cowtastrophe]

A guy called me a maneater back in January and every time they message me I feel hurt by it all over again
I have low self esteem and I am not proud of my promiscuous past.

The advice I'm seeking is how can I let go of this hurt?

He has no business remarking on his perception of your past.

 

[Rodneytrotter]

My daughter is 10 and really struggling at school with not fitting in and not having friends. It breaks my heart dropping her off at school knowing that she will spend lunch alone. She hasn't been eating properly because she packs up to follow some girls around who she says ignore her.

The school have tried to help, but my daughter only likes having one friend at a time so can be quite controlling and kids won't put up with that (understandably).

Yesterday a child told her that nobody likes her or wants to talk to her.

She has asked me if she can start a new school because everyone will want to play with her if she's the new girl, bit she's starting secondary in September anyway.

I think it will be the same there

 

[Mamacita]

What's a good excuse not to go to a wedding? I don't want to go as I'm pretty sure I won't know anyone there which makes it worse and even if I do know someone it'll be probably 1 person max 2.
But this persons given me over a years notice (still not a year away yet) so I can't really say sorry 'I couldn't get it off work'.
I went to a wedding recently where I knew no one and I just felt awkward didn't have anything to talk to anyone about and they all knew eachother so were talking about things/people I had no idea about.
Plus I really want to go on holiday at the time of year this wedding is but I won't be able to get enough time off for both

I'd just say you already have holidays booked and you won't have enough leave to do both unfortunately

 

[didisaythatoutloudoops]

How does one usually go about getting out of something they don’t want to do?

I know we are all adults and theoretically it should just be a case of “I can’t make it anymore” and that be that, but I know it’s never as simple.

A work colleague is terminally ill and they have arranged a night out. They’ve only told one person the details of this night and said it’s a surprise, but of course we have all been told and all now know. The “surprise” also involves full payment from everyone going - so basically it’s just an event she wants to go to, nobody else, and we all have to pay our way etc. I said yes initially when asked if I was free but I really don’t want to go. It’s on a weekend and that’s the only time I get to see my family, working all week and other than bath and bedtime, I don’t see my kids much during the week.

I just feel mean as she’s poorly and I know people will talk and say how they can’t believe I’m not going etc. Any tips on situations like this?

I think you can get out of it pretty easily, but if payment is due in advance you might not see it back. What I would do (if it wasn't too hefty a cost) is agree to go, and on the night say you're absolutely down bad with flu or food poisoning etc. Try and work it around shifts and even moan/whine a bit about how sick you feel if you're in work the day before or of the event. Then you simply text and say look, you're really not well and you're so sorry, offer for them to keep the payment you made and if anything is refundable then put it into a pot/flowers for the colleague.

I think personally I would grin and bear it and go. It's one night and the impression your colleagues have of you really is important. As a chronic worrier and over thinker, sometimes I have to weigh up in my head if the anxiety of dropping out is more of a cost to me than the time simply going and getting on with it.

 

[Pesky Tarian]

I agree with you, I don't know myself why I seem bothered so much. I think it's a mixture of things. I wasn't expecting to hear off of him again and I think I went into shock. I know I said it above, but I definitely think I also replied as, knowing what he's like previously he definitely would be the type to paint me as the bad person for not replying to his apology. I just find it very weird behaviour to message someone several years on out of nowhere and then go silent again.

Do you think that maybe he is having therapy? Sometimes people are encouraged to reach out and made amends. I would sit comfortable in the knowledge that you were polite and responded but also take it as closure for yourself and absolutely keep that door closed.

 

[havee]

just need to vent and looking for advice not to feel this shit. My dad has never been a 'dad' to me, like he lives with us as a family but never acts like a dad would. Anyway's he adores my cousins which always stings, because I've never done anything for him to not like me. Whenever i see him with my cousins it always hurts and i try to get over it, but now feels like too much. I just wanna cry and scream and just not exist anymore cause it hurts so much. recently he has been driving my cousins around giving them an adventure taking them to picnics with takeaways and just not taking us or involving me or my family. I know there's nothing I can do but I just cant keep going on like this, it hurts too much.

 

[Former_Antelopee]

I think people who rehome do get too much hate and probably puts people off when it likely will make things better... I'd rather an animal be rehomed than live in a house where it's not wanted and maybe not cared for properly. It's better for the quality of life of the animal as well as probably the owner. Especially if the owner does the work in finding them a new good home I don't see an issue with it. Also maybe they do love them but decide their lifestyle isn't a really what the animal needs so rehoming would give them a better life

 

[Jadejones9596]

If you're happy and it works for you, why should you leave? What is it that's making you feel you should move out?

Society I guess! People thinking that it’s unacceptable to live with your parents in your 30s… I feel so judged! But honestly me and mum like me being here and we miss each other so much. We’re pretty much besties

 

[klarakluckbag]

A friend of mine is selling his van and I'm tempted to buy it - he wants 4k for it, it has a built in vanlife - setup.

But it has over 200k kilometers and I think it's a ford transit from before 2010 which are know to have huge issues with rust. I know he has done some work on it, getting rid of rust as he's really good with welding, so it might not be an issue.

I want to do a 3 month trip to Sweden next year so I have enough time to look for a different car, but I would have to build the whole setup. Plus, I'll be buying in a different country probably which has tax implications too.

I want a reliable car as I will be spending a lot of time on the road. But that is always the risk with used cars, you could buy a lemon and not even know.

I don't know what to do really. Seeing my mechanic on Monday anyway and will ask him too, just thought maybe someone could weight in.

My husband has spent his working life driving Ford Transits, he says that they're built to go on "forever", parts are cheap and easy to obtain, and they're generally reliable, they have a good reputation amongst van drivers. My brother and his girlfriend are vanlife afficionados, they reckon that Transits are sought after by actual vanlifers, whereas VW campervans are only coveted by the Insta travellers, they're far too small to actually survive in for long.
Obviously check carefully for rust, (no-one's a "mate" when it comes to used cars!) a mechanic once-over is a must. Good luck!

 

[Bloody orange Hell]

Not hearing from the cat breaks her heart?
What?

Was she expecting him to write to her?

 

[avabella]

£10K but the settlement fee is £4K

I think you / your friend might be confusing settlement fee with the interest?

For a 10k loan, for example, the settlement *figure* could be more than that, because of interest. A few years into the loan, it will be lower, but will still take into account interest.

Are they saying that to pay off the 10k, 4k will be added? How old is the loan? What percentage is the interest rate?

 

[griftalo]

so found out this acquaintance achieved a life milestone that i am nowhere near achieving and it does not look possible for me and the news has made me feel crap. maybe jealous which i dont want to feel but i cannot shake the feeling off

It’s hard. I don’t know what the milestone is but I have four kids, I’ve never gotten married and I’m not likely to do well career wise or own my own house, ever. I have no sporting achievements either! I’m sure you have great stuff you do that they can’t or won’t though.

 

[Squittel]

Why is her being pregnant an issue? Or are you scared she'll give brith while with you? I mean yes, cats should be spayed but a pregnancy isn't like some very stressfull thing.

Because the cat is staying with me for 5 weeks so if she’s showing now, she’s sure as hell having those babies in my bedroom and I kind of do find that stressful?

 

[littlepup]

I’m terrified something might go wrong again.

Look at it this way. Something WILL go wrong of you don’t go again.
Dental decay and infection is linked to a great deal of health issues not just pertaining to the mouth. It’s even been linked to cognitive decline and Alzheimer’s. For the sake of your overall health, you need to get it sorted.
Speak to your dentist and explain your fears, they are well versed in it and can take special measures. You can also talk to your doctor about a calming med/mild sedative or even explore hypnotherapy or general therapy for the fear.
Do what you need to do to get it done, you’ll feel so much better once you have.

 

[Mamacita]

I;m also in a longterm relationship but since about 35 I've just not really had interest in it. It's enjoyable enough but I'm not really interested

I'm only in my early 30s and I'd say I've had little interest for like at least 2-3 years don't even have kids, can't imagine having that on top of everything

 

[becca7721]

Warning may not make much sense. Gave in. Fuck sobriety.

Police turned up after PCC contacted them as welfare concerns raised.

Told me dangerous man has moved out, ages ago, so do I need to go to hospital to see a Dr?

Ffs. He has not moved out. The only incident they said was months ago and now fine (so dropped) is still an issue FOR ME. I couldn’t talk cos it wasn’t safe (as him in building albeit another room but no sound proofing) but noooo they kept asking me stupid questions.

Then got angry with me for time wasting.

I STILL have no reference number.
I STILL am in a building with a violent and aggressive man who SHOULD by law be in prison (due to what happened being zero tolerance and automatics prison - I’m not going to into more details than that -but no he’s a man so that’s ok then let him do whatever he likes).
I didn’t set impossible bail conditions that couldn’t be met and when reported weren’t passed on as impossible for him to stay away living so close...

I’d told PCC not to phone, not to send anyone round, email only, but nope. Read it thoroughly but missed the first and last paragraph in capitals saying this.

Why are people so SHIT? Say stupid stuff like why don’t I phone anonymously then he wouldn’t know - he can hear everything said so officer got annoyed and said they knew that hence it being anonymous. At this point I felt like screaming in his arrogant face.

I just sat in dark crying after.

I don’t understand why this keeps bloody happening. Of the other two occasions Ive needed police it resulted in ptsd due to how I was treated AND the person then hurting someone else and me being blamed because my name etc was put in the bloody paper and nothing was done. Something needs to be done about that as well. THEY dropped it, so why put my details in paper like it was my fault.

And yes it was in March so that was “ages ago” but I live with this and the threat of it happening again every single day. Unlike him I’ve nowhere else to go and the landlord has it in for me. I’ve so much pressure on me anyway because of everything else. This alone is too much for me to handle. I can’t even manage day by day anymore as I’m so overwhelmed.