The advice thread for random problems #5

[littlepup]

Hi Random problem incoming… Cat related - We have 2 outdoor cats that happily sleep and eat in a garden shed- it has a catflap and they can come and go- recently a younger black cat has appeared- it is fighting with my 10 year old tomcat- it can use the catflap and is eating my cats food- hubby saw it zoom out the catflap a couple of mornings- A lad owns a garage on our road but he doesn’t live there we think he may “own” the cat - a number of neighbours have rodent issues at the moment- we have neighbours of the travelling variety and their place is filthy- how to deter the cat from bothering my 2 ? we never see it by day

They’re not particularly cheap but you can buy cat flaps with chip sensors, if yours wear collars, so only they can get in.

 

[GalaxyGirl70]

You're very brave to want to try to get past this. I couldn't past the ickyness of it, or the fact he'd spent all that money. Especially when you have a child. And he's been doing this for well over half of the time you've been together. You've got a big heart to even try to stay together.

Just don't "police" his behaviour. That's his responsibility, and in a way, he's just shifting that weight onto your shoulders by passing it to you.

 

[TheGlossy]

Thank you everyone I really appreciate all the support and help.

I was supposed to get a call from the practice today check on how I’m doing - no call. This is supposedly one of the top practices in the city.

I had a huge panic attack this morning wondering what I have done and whether I would have been better off leaving those roots in. I have no idea where all of this is going now.

I more than likely will need to take next week off from work because I’m not doing good mentally at all right now.

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

Thank you. I will look into it and discuss with the dentists (plural as more than likely I will need to discuss with many).

To say I was so scared of going again despite the abscesses and rotting because of my past trauma with orthodontists/dentists and I’m now in an even bigger conundrum. I’ve been crying all evening.

Even though I had issues, I still had my roots with prevented teeth from shifting and gave me some time. Now that the roots are gone, I need to get a swift solution due to possible bone loss & possibility of teeth shifting.

I’m so heartbroken. How come the dentist didn’t detect the fact the root couldn’t be removed fully in the x-ray we’d done a few weeks ago? It seems a bit cavalier to me.

You need to keep things into perspective. 1. Dr's are also just human 2. Thing can be hidden even on x-rays. Also you are now tackling the problem so don't be dissuaded at the first hurdle

I think bone problems are a far bigger issue than a bit of root that can flare up once in a while. I fear you will end up looking until you find a dentist that will tell you what you want to hear. Sometimes there aren't clear solutions and we can't have it resolved how we would like.
My partner has had all his teeth removed and a full set of implants put in. He was also scared of the dentist due to previous bad experience as a teenager. But he'd left his teeth in such a state from not going for years that this was the best solution. This is again not the solution he wanted but it was the best option for him.

 

[Rxt156]

I bet the teacher will have no idea how your daughter is feeling. Definitely bring it up. If i was doing something that upset someone I would want to know. This happened once, I used a wheel spinner to pick names. One boy told his parents he was so anxious his name would come up that he would feel so sick he couldn’t concentrate. I had no idea. I left his name off the spinner (no one else knew ofc) and I would engage with him 1 on 1 when there was less pressure which in turn made him feel better . Although these days we are told that cold calling pupils is the way forward (very modern and popular on twitter - there’s no putting up hands these days) so we are back to square 1 I suppose.

 

[littlepup]

I have no idea if there is an actual marraige thread but I'm a long time lurker here so feel a little safer

Me and my husband (5 years married, 15 years together, typical got married and soon as life went fuxking shit!)
We've been through hell the past year but have fought and fought to come baxk together (he left the family home for 6months)
I am confident nothing untoward ever happened and we have no inferdility issues

However. Since being baxk together I cannot help but notice how much his eyes wonder when we are out in public together. Its like constant. To the point now where all I do is watch his eye movements. Its pathetic.
I know I've lost myself, I'm not what I used to be. I have no confidence left unless I'm at home Locked away where I know I ooze the co firenze any man loves. So I know this all a reflection on myself. But do all men do it? Do you ladies really not get bothered by it? Why won't my brain so making it hurt my heart.
It's just a once over glance, and he still very much gives me PDA but just like.... I don't even know. How do I stop making it consume me? I'm at the point I don't want to go out in public or the car with him atall anymore.

Thank you xx

Have you spoken to him about it?

If you’re compulsively obsessing about something the best is to catch yourself and tell yourself to stop thinking about it, the more you do, the bigger it becomes. You’re overestimating the risk. What is him checking someone out actually doing or mean? Probably nothing realistically.
However, it might be helpful to understand what about is bothers you? Has it always bothered you, has he always done it? Could you be scared he’s looking for someone else, doesn’t pay you enough attention, comparing…? Can you break it down to get to the heart of the problem and address how you can overcome that.
It may be that unless you can address how it’s making you feel, he could stop looking and you’d find or suspect another behaviour in him that would make you feel the same.

Incidently I think most everyone does it, not just men. We all look at others, check out someone attractive, male or female. Not because we want to sleep with them, it just draws the eye.

 

[Mamacita]

I think people who rehome do get too much hate and probably puts people off when it likely will make things better... I'd rather an animal be rehomed than live in a house where it's not wanted and maybe not cared for properly. It's better for the quality of life of the animal as well as probably the owner. Especially if the owner does the work in finding them a new good home I don't see an issue with it. Also maybe they do love them but decide their lifestyle isn't a really what the animal needs so rehoming would give them a better life

Yeah I do agree but some people re-home for reasons like we're moving so can't be bothered taking the pet or kids get bored with it etc. People should really have a good think about getting a pet in the first place, especially when they buy one from a breeder.
I know someone who got one type of pet, kids got bored with it in a couple weeks and they decided to get a puppy instead. Got one of the dangerous breeds which clearly wasnt good with small kids so rehomed the dog too after a few weeks. They shouldnt be allowed to get any more pets imo.

I genuinely don't know how people can have a pet and it being a 'loved family member' and then just get rid of it. I could never.

I know there are a lot of situations with difficult changes in circumstances and that's understandable.

 

[littlepup]

Does anyone compare themselves to others? And if you had a friend who said they’re not comparing themselves to others anymore would you assume they think they’re better than others and self righteous. I have a friend who does this constantly and such a negative way of thinking. I’ve told her I don’t want to engage in those types of conversations anymore where put self down and now she thinks I think I’m better than her?! I’m just trying to be kinder to myself so I make better choices

Comparison is the thief of joy. You never know what you’re really comparing to either.
Material things may be purchased under crippling debt, happy relationships may be bad behind closed doors, a good job and they may be bullied at work… it’s very wise to stop comparing and I suspect your friend is jealous that you’re able to do so.

What is the goal in her comparing, to prove she’s better? Isn’t that the ‘I’m better than others’ you’re accused of? or are you only allowed to conclude you’re worse? Because that is unhealthy, looking for evidence of your own negative self belief. Does she not see that?

I am better than no one but no one is better than me. We are just us, different, strengths and weaknesses in different areas. No one has ever told me that attitude is self-ritchious. The only people who say “oh you think you’re better than me” unless the person is overtly snobby and dismissive are the ones that think it themselves.

 

[Bloody orange Hell]

That’s strange. Once our cat was neutered he was left alone. Neutered males aren’t called Toms so that’s where my confusion came in.
Put a paper collar on the black cat asking the owners to contact you

My cat who is neutered was being bullied by a local Tom. I caught the fuckcer halfway in the cat flap. I was sitting quietly in the kitchen. Heard the cat flap and turned to see this bloody cat coming in. He froze when he saw me and backed out.
I now have a catflap which reads microchips. I bought it from zooplus - they were cheapest at that time. After having to try to get rid of the smell of cat piss in my house from the Tom who obviously got into my house one time and sprayed downstairs, I’d say it is worth every penny.

eta my neighbours who owned the tomcat also didn’t care. I guess he did not spray their house just tried to mark other cats houses. What stopped him picking on my cat was me getting a dog. (Not because of that but it sorted the problem out)

 

[littlepup]

I’m worried because I lied haha :/ I think that’s my only way out though.
He’s signed on luckily and he’s been there 1 month short of redundancy! What a bummer!!

Transfer the balance to a 0% card if you can and try to reduce any other outgoings to keep up the payments or take it out of savings.
I think you need to be truthful but also address with yourself why you did this. It’s a big lie for a relationship you’re about to have a baby in. Did you just want to do it and think he’d say no? Was it totally doable to pay back at the time? Do you feel like you’re saving too much and don’t have enough fun money?
If my partner did this to me, particularly if we shared one account, it’d be such a massive breech of trust I’d question what else they were keeping from me. You need to be prepared to answer his questions.
---

Where is the best place to get fresh flowers in bulk for cheap? I am planning a baby shower and want fresh flowers everywhere but don't want to spend a tonne. I'm not fussed on what type of flower really.

I’ve used Triangle Nursery before to do church flowers for a wedding but it's still not cheap. Flowers just aren’t cheap and don’t go that far per stem. Alternatively a local market florist could hook you up if you’re arranging yourself and are happy to take what they have leftover on the day. Even supermarkets do filers like Gypsophilia/baby’s breath quite cheap that can make pretty displays.

If you live near a woods or know someone with a big garden you could forage greenery like laurel, eucalyptus, cow parsley etc. then add a few blooms to add colour.

 

[tomato_paste]

I think (& have been debating for a while) that I need to go back on my antidepressants, which is something I really don't want to do. Any advice to stop me feeling like a failure if I do go back on them?

If you can't make your own serotonin, store bought is fine.

No fr though, I've been there - thought I should power through, and keep on suffering as not to feel like a failure. Don't fall into that trap - it's a health issue like any other. If you had a broken leg, would you try and power through it? If you had period pain, would you simply suffer it or take a paracetamol? If you had an iron deficiency, would you deny yourself iron tablets?

This is you being on your side, making sure you're doing everything you can to help yourself. This is you, taking care of yourself. Nothing about taking antidepressants has anything to do with failure, no, quite the opposite. This is you recognising your brain needs some help and doing your utmost to provide it.

 

[StrawberryBanana90]

So I've finally decided to try find a therapist for some help with some lack of motivation/self esteem issues I have - I have a free intro call with one soon and it's just a 30 min chat to see what's what and if I'd like to book with her services but I'm so nervous? I don't really know what to say and how to really sum up what I want help with...
Does anyone have any insights as to how these introductory calls usually go?

 

[tomato_paste]

I just realised I missed my hair appointment this past weekend and I feel sick with guilt. What would you guys do? I think they have a cancellation policy whereby a charge is issued if you fail to cancel within 24 hours but I have not received this. I realise I had a missed call but hadn’t noticed that either with such a busy week. I feel so bad and embarrassed!
---
Just to add I’ve never missed one before and have been going there a while now every 8 weeks or so for services.

Happened to me with a doctors appt recently (super embarrassing, I overslept ) and in my experience, honesty is the best policy. A genuine apology goes a really long way, and accepting if they give you a cancellation fee without fuss also does. (Honestly, most businesses only do that because there are so many entitled dickheads out there that simply don't give a shit and will ruin your business by not showing up.) All will be well, I promise.

 

[JoeBloggs]

Done a search right back to beginning of the year an nothing has come up, also done a postcode search an I've seen other houses in our street but not there's, does this mean that they haven't applied for planning in the first place? The most recent I could search from was 28th July an they started long before then

If it falls under permitted development they wouldn't have needed it. Might be worth a call into the planning department, If they did need planning and haven't got it they are the ones to stop them.

 

[becca7721]

I can recommend the following for support, they may be able to help:

Dental Phobia Forum

Are you terrified of the dentist? Get support with dental phobia and anxiety at Dental Fear Central.

www.dentalfearcentral.org

 

[Aliceegordo]

Agree with the other voices here - she needs to grow up. Being civil isn't hard, and trying to control who you're friends with is just a big fat no. Your circles don't have to overlap either. Its none of her business who you are friends with outside of her.

Did she give you a reason why she dislikes them so much? Were they horrible to her in school or sthg? I would understand her reaction if it was something like her being bullied by them or having abuse heaped on her, but then she's the one that needs to tell you.

Thanks so much for this, everyones advice is so helpful. I was starting to think I was going mad!

No they weren't horrible to her in school or anything, she was essentially criticising the way that their relationship started (I believe they were both with other people). I feel so much better after seeing everyones comments, I'm definitely going to put our relationship on the back burner for a while.

I've put other people's happiness before my own for way too long and it's time to start thinking of myself x

 

[Tommyb]

Thank you. He honestly seems devastated, but at the same time, like a whole new person. The communication and honesty is on a level I have never seen from him before. I do think this is the turning point for him and he is desperately suggesting things we can do to fix it. I guess I just need to work out if I can move past some of the details, which currently I’m just not sure, although I do love that man so much. I have been with him since I was 19, so have spent my entire adult life with him so far really.

Not to generalise but when men are caught like this the majority claim "addiction". Have you asked him why he thinks it's an addiction?. Did he do it when you were on holiday together, does he find reasons to sneak off and do it?. An addiction is different to just wanting to do something.

If you are determined to try and make it work I would suggest therapy. He needs his own before you do couples therapy.

I would also create boundaries that make you feel safe. For example no passwords you don't know, deletion of this email address and him going to all the accounts and deleting profiles etc. he also needs to come up with suggestions on how to make you feel safe not just ,"il do whatever you need".

He needs to be willing to show you his credit report and how much debt he is in. He needs to show you he is paying this off. This is family money and quite frankly of it was me he needs to realise he took this from his child.

Tbh you need to be prepared to be like his mother and in control for a while until he can prove he can be trusted. It's up to you if you think that's doable but also worth it.

Good luck x

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

Scenario: About a month ago, I was pulled into a meeting and told that junior staff felt that I was unhelpful when they asked for advice, they didn't like working with me and found my attitude 'off putting' and 'unprofessional' [personally, my view is the complete opposite - they have been frequently rude to me when I've offered any advice that they have bothered to ask for, I have never ever been unprofessional with any of them and often they ignore me in the office unless they want me to do something they don't want to do, which I relayed back to my manager in the meeting].

Today and yesterday they were talking for ages amongst themselves [whilst I was sat there, just minding my own] about several colleagues who aren't in our team, but are in our wider service. About how they're faking medical issues to avoid doing extra shifts, how they want to now 'fake being sick enough to not bother working too' and complaining about how hard done by they are. I happen to know one of the individuals they were talking about quite well - didn't let on that I do - and know that the health issues they have are longstanding and quite complex (not that either way that would make it ok).

I would like to raise this with my manager but I fear it looks like I'm being petty and trying to find something to throw back at them. They move onto new teams soon - one will be working with one of the people they were talking about - and I suspect they'll probably run their mouths there too, so it'll probably be dealt with without my involvement anyway, but I'm not sure how to play it.

I’m with @Snippysnips on this. Let them hang themselves. I might just have a word with your other colleagues and say “be careful they gossip a lot” or something in that vain but I wouldn’t say what about. Just infer that they are not to be trusted with sensitive info

 

[chickhicks86]

hi guys, so my 8 year old sibling got invited to classmate birthday, however their not close etc so as shocked. anyway could not find a gift and haven't been invited to kids parties often so didn't know the etiquette. they went to bowling and had pizza after. i feel guilty now as i only gave £10 and a card. they did a lot of fun expensive stuff / had food which is expensive. now i think i should've gave £20. i'm worried that the parent will think i'm stingy and potentially not invite my sibling next year. but i also feel guilty for not giving a enough gift. what can i / should i do now. buy another gift at £10 and give them at school so value of overall present is £20 or give my sibling £10 to give his classmate etc. what is the etiquette for how much gift/cash to give for birthday

Bless you, honestly £10 is fine! 99% parents do no put a party on for their kids to get the exact same value that they have spent back in presents.

More to the point though, why are you dealing with all this and not your parents? You sound very young (in the nicest possible way!) and it shouldn't be your job to do all this - your sibling is very lucky to have you.

How are you getting on with the rent situation? Do you have any outside support from uni etc?

 

[TwooTwooTwitTwitTwoo]

Yeah, you’re right. I think he’s telling the truth. I’ve had braces before and have a slight overbite, so bone structure and strength is always a concern. I’m in two minds because on one hand I appreciate he’s not taking any risks and is being careful / transparent, one the other hand, I’m concerned about what’s going to happen with this fragment. He seems to be very skilled / knowledgeable to be fair. He explained everything in detail.

Maybe if I hadn’t left it years after the tooth fell out, the roots would have been in a better position to be removed.

It’s unfortunately in a visible area (first molar after the canine), so I need to find a solution. I have an appointment with him in the next few weeks, so I will discuss this in more details.

Listen to the risks about bone resorption. I had an implant that failed (possibly because the dentist didn't do a bone graft first). I lost a huge amount of bone around the socket because the bone splintered when theu drilled the implant in. It took a year to stabilise and although I have a bridge so others can't really tell, the one side of my face looks quite different to me now. I ended up having to pay 3k to have invisalign to fix my bite because the bone loss caused my teeth to move resulting in an extremely uncomfortable cross bite that was making my front tooth wobbly. It was a really difficult time and I lost a lot of confidence.