The advice thread for random problems #3

[Ingognito.Queen]

Can't really give too much detail but always wanting a hug from me, kept kissing my neck when hugging, took a strong disliking to my boyfriend within the last year out of no where, is very bossy and it's his way or no way (for example cutting our hedge when it doesn't need doing).

Wow. At what stage does this become...assault? He is overstepping boundaries - this is not ok.

Maybe I'm just thinking too much into it

You are not thinking too much into it.

 

[littlepup]

Can anyone help me regarding a hen party? Do you have to get everyone a gift bag?

I’m maid of honour and it’s a night away with hotel, travel and activities. I’ve also paid for the bride. I’ve paid for card games, accessories for bride to wear etc and everything is adding up quickly! If I have to get gift bags it’s going to be a lot of money as there will be 16 people. It’s really making me worry as we don’t have loads of spare money.

We’re also paying to travel, hotel stop for the actual wedding plus of course wedding gift and everything else involved.

Please someone tell me I’m not a tight arse for not wanting to do gift bags? Or if I am being tight can someone please give me suggestions of what I could give people?

No gift bags and often the cost of the brides bits and pieces is separated out over everyone. I’d have a word to see if everyone would stick £10 in to cover some of it.

 

[square_spoon]

Do you have woodern floors? My house is constantly dusty but I put it down to a husband and two cats!

Yes! I never thought I’d miss carpet but I suppose carpet probably attracts the dust as much, you just can’t see it
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Have we got any HR professionals on this thread? I need some advice on when to tell work I’m pregnant.

I’m up for a promotion that’s been promised to me since February but no contracts or paperwork filed with HR yet (they’re so shit and slow). Im at 12 weeks, so I can technically tell them now, but also don’t have to. Should I wait until that promotion has been contractually agreed to tell them? Should I tell them before it’s agreed to force their hand a bit? Im guessing there may be issues with discrimination if they then don’t give it to me. I’m fed up of waiting for an answer to be honest.

If you’re not sure how ethical they are in their dealings with employees why would telling them force their hand? They could just deny you the promotion and say they were going to deny it anyway. I don’t see what there is to gain from telling them, it could only negatively influence your outcome if you have a feeling anyway that they’re not necessarily people who do things by the book.

Obviously if you need accommodations for your pregnancy they’d need to know at that stage. Hope it’s all going well for you.

 

[didisaythatoutloudoops]

Asking this on behalf of my lovely daughter, who doesn't have an account - and I'm not really sure what to advise her here (my career was very different from hers).

'I work as the only communications manager for a small charity, and we hosted a two-day event recently explaining some new legislation that is relevant to us. For months beforehand I had been working on the materials, badges, roll-ups, banners, powerpoint designs, etc as I am the only communications/press person in the office and that's my job. As we are a small office of about 10 people, a lot of my job involves writing articles for magazines on our very niche technical topic. I have a real interest in it and was looking forward to hearing from some experts at the event on this legislation that I have written extensively about for over a year.

About two weeks before the event, my boss called me to say my attendance isn't necessary as we 'aren't doing any social media' and 'I would find it boring anyway'. I was really taken aback but accepted his decision. Several colleagues were really shocked at this and tried to speak to him to say that I should be there for various reasons. My boss was having none of it and said there would be enough people there and I just wasn't needed. I wasn't even invited to the after-working-hours dinner.

In the end, the entire office attended apart from me and our office manager (who stayed in the office as we were having repairs done). I didn't realise quite how hurt I would be seeing pictures of them enjoying drinks and dinner and sharing inside jokes after the event on our office WhatsApp group. I felt disrespected by my boss for brushing me off for an event I'd worked hard on, on a topic I was interested in.

Am I overreacting?'

 

[littlepup]

Right I am proper getting to the end of my tether and need some stranger advice- me and my partner have been together well over 2 years, and when we got together there was an ex (who may I add broke up with him) who kept trying to get involved with him again as she was jealous (we assumed). This said ex is about 3/4 years older than me, and a couple years older than my other half, and was making tiktoks about me "taking her man" as well as cutting her hair to the same style as me, and copying things I posted on instagram.
Fast forward 2 years, a random fake tinder profile of my boyfriend has been made (we knew it was local as one of my friends who lives close saw it, and the distance was close!) and a fake account of one of my business profiles had been made which seemed very coincidental. I have now found out she has made a new business doing what I do as a side hustle (I have all the correct experience and qualifications may I add whereas she doesnt) and I am a little bit pissed as I feel this is all very aimed.

Do I have the right to be pissed off / angry that someone who has been out of my boyfriends life for 3 years, and who is a lot older than me is still trying to get involved/ annoy us? Or am I overreacting?

Thank you

You’re not overreacting but the only power she has is in your own reaction. If you didn’t know/care it’d devalue what she’s doing. I know it’s easier said than done, she’s antagonising, but she clearly has some serious issues. She could keep making infinite fake accounts whereas if you act like you don’t know or care by not reporting or acknowledging them, she doesn’t benefit from it.
Where is she getting her information from? Are all your socials locked down? You can’t do anything about her using your photos if they’re in the public arena, but if she crosses into identity theft or impersonation with intent to defraud it’s a crime. If she is using the cane business page to slander you and your business that too would be a crime.

 

[stardust1]

Ok, well definitely try PALs. Hopefully the surgeon isn’t senior to the others can’t have an impact on any care. Apologies for mentioning travel, I’m very rural and forget how different things are here!

You may want to complain about his comments re ‘gods plan’. I’m a Christian and when I worked in a hospital and was having treatment for one of my issues a consultant suggested prayer - I knew him, we attended the same church and went to the same bible study and prayer group at that time, a nurse told me to formally complain about his ‘behaviour’. I didn’t, he wasn’t being offensive as he knew my circumstances, every Christian at that time was aware of never mentioning their faith in work (can’t remember why) but the nurse did and he ended up leaving.

Good luck.

thank’s for the response, it’s all a bit strange for me to comprehend especially as someone who doesn’t follow a religion. I appreciate others do but for my self I struggle to see how ‘god will fix it’ it is quite irritating especially when the appointments always end with no one actually fixing the problem. He used to say he was praying for us but I’m not sure his prayers have been answered yet as we are in a worse situation haha!

in terms of him being senior I think he is top dog in his speciality but his speciality is one of the things that is not causing any issues. I have been researching it and there’s actually a lady who specialises in the after care even writ a book. I would love just a quick phone call to discuss medication options, the last thing I want is anyone to get in trouble because the actual surgery wen’t extremely well! It is a bit of a pain in the bum because the medication could be done by the GP but they say he is too complex and to go via surgeonx
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tenor.com

i’m in the airport, thought i was pissed before lunch time and had lost the plot

 

[QueenBW]

I think moving on would be her best option - it's one of the best ways to start moving up the ladder anyway at her age.

There's never a better time to look for a new position than while you're still employed. I second this. She should start having informational interviews with her network, seems like she's made good connections while she's worked out here, putting out feelers, maybe even sending her CV to positions that might be a good move. It sounds like she loves her job there, but if she's being stretched out to thin and not even being given full credit and recognition for the hard work, it's not the right place in the long run. She's in the right position to make a move, especially if her other colleagues appreciate her. They'd probably be happy to give her recommendations when the time comes.

 

[FlyingGirl4]

Thank you everyone for replying, it means a lot I’m currently having therapy sessions every two weeks. My partner is a good man, he has a heart of gold deep down. I 100% trust he would never cheat or raise his hand to me. I’ve just lost all romantic feelings for him and we both have a lot of very different opinions on big things that do matter to me. If I do decide to leave, I would never stop him seeing our son and I definitely wouldn’t bad mouth him either. I’ve come from a broken home where my sibling and I were used like weapons so I know the damage it does. Xxx

 

[Spidey2020]

I’m trying to decide whether to complain about my neighbours.

We share a driveway, 50/50 side by side. I have asked repeatedly for their children to keep off my side as they like to kick a football as hard as they can against my wall, bearing in mind my car is parked . They also have absolutely no care for safety on bikes and I have pulled on to find children on my driveway on bikes, pulling out in front etc.

They aren’t toddlers they are 10-12 years old. They take no notice regularly laugh and smirk when I ask them to move. I’m not sure if I now find their general behaviour and attitude is clouding my feelings and making me more and more irritated by them.

they are HA tenants and I am a homeowner. I’m minded to complain and ask the HA to put a physical divide in to deter them but they will probably do nothing I imagine (or warn them which they will ignore) and sour our relationship further. But if I keep speaking to them or ignore it it will continue all summer. I just want to relax In my home and garden

 

[Tanne1999]

You were 19 and he was 51? Jesus, too many red flags to mention in this one.

Yeah I very much regret that one. I was 19 and going through my hoe phase after a nasty breakup. He didn’t look 51 mind
Definitely looking back I see a lot of red flags about the situation that I didn’t at the time. I suppose you live and you learn
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Personally I’d leave them too it. Especially as it’s been 4 years. It’s their choice to get married and if she thinks he’s not a cheat etc that’s on her. I wouldn’t bother bringing up something from years ago to cause hurt before their wedding. They’re clearly happy if they’re planning a wedding so I’d leave them too it. We all make stupid mistakes when we’re young x

I wouldn’t say I’d be doing it to cause hurt, it’s just from the perspective of ‘if it was me, I’d want to know’ if that makes sense? I just feel awful knowing she’s going to marry him not knowing what he’s done behind her back.
I do feel very conflicted though, because at same time I think ‘well I did nothing wrong so why am I feeling guilty?’

I think I will stick to my original stance of if he messages, then I’ll tell her x

 

[Carapop]

Kind of reassurance rather than advice
I was invited to a job interview next week and I can’t do the date they’re giving and I didn’t list that date on the section “please state any dates you can’t do” because at the time of applying (I didn’t know I wouldn’t be free.
Anyways, I emailed back asking if they had any flexibility on the date as the day before would be better. I haven’t had a response and honestly I’m over thinking it and worrying they’ll think I’m being difficult

Nope. Entirely reasonable. And if they can’t accommodate such a totally normal request then would you want to work somewhere so inflexible?!

 

[stargirl23]

They always say even if baby wasn’t in car seat to replace anything that was involved in an accident. Hope you’re doing okay x

 

[Rxt156]

Tips for a caravan holiday please. Travelling with the following
18 month old
2 dogs
7 adults

Top of my list: Prosecco

Last time I went away with 2 dogs, in laws and husband it was fairly stressful and not that enjoyable

 

[TheGlossy]

Tbh there isn't much you can do about the situation. I would just keep my head down and carry on as normal. Probably mention to your manager that this was blown out of proportion.
On a side note keep treating the co-worker as you did pre this episode. I know you are annoyed but if you start acting like that it might count against you

Thank you.

I told my manager yesterday I was having a moment and I don’t want this to be blown out of proportions. The manager said it’s no biggie and we all have our moments including them.

 

[Elle Woods]

Does anyone know if a beneficiary of a will, is allowed to be in the presence of a person, whislt they are making the will?

I do Wills at work and we always ask beneficiaries to stay out the room whilst we take instructions on the Will, just so we can be sure there's no undue influence. We ask them to wait in reception whilst we take instructions. If the person wants us to we'll then call the beneficiary in and go over what's been discussed, but only if the person making the Will asks us to. Otherwise we ask that they're not present at the interview.

 

[JoeBloggs]

We have three, they cost us £100-£150 a month. We have insurance, vet cover, food etc. We don’t use litter trays. They are low maintenance in that they can be left longer than dogs and don’t require walking but they need stimulation and care.

All cats are different, some will destroy your home and others will do 4am zoomies! We are lucky that my best friend can feed them when we are away but a pet sitters is about £10 a day to come and feed them.

 

[Okgolightly]

I'm pretty sure the user here who is harassing their ex and his current gf must be lying about what the police said, or, more likely, heard what they wanted to hear, not what was actually said. I guess the police have dropped the case because of insufficient evidence and because their ex is allegedly also playing a part by messaging them, not because the cops "understand" the situation. A lucky escape means: "lucky you he messaged back with sexual stuff so it's not clear cut harassment" not "what you're doing is correct, keep on going".

God this situation reminds me so much of the 4chan story where they were egging on someones stalker. The way this user talks and just doesn't understand AT ALL how their actions are wrong is just so so similar to this dude. Everyone else is wrong, everything is justifiable, they are only doing it for their victims own good, their moral codex is the only thing that counts, their own feelings come before everyone elses, etc.

If they were a decent person they'd stay away and NO MATTER WHAT they'd stop interacting with them. None of that fake "she needs to know" bullshit. They just enjoy the power they have over other people by constantly messing with them. Imagine being stalked and harassed by someone for five years while the stalker still thinks they're doing something right. It's horrifying!

Agree with everything you’ve said and others too! I’m sure the OP has been told numerous times on numerous threads that her behaviour is an appropriate with regards to the ex and his new girlfriend but she just keeps going scary stuff!
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If he does I would message her again because he has no way of contacting me now

You need help.

 

[Fruitjack]

I've got quite a few work bits from Tu at Sainsburys. You can buy in store but there's a bigger range online, and often offers like 20% off dresses.

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

Today at work a woman (same level of seniority) of me sent a teams message meant for someone on her team, to a group wide teams chat I’m in, making derogatory comments about me. I’ve not worked with her for over 9 months and they were irrelevant to what I was doing at the time.

I have to keep working with her, any suggestions how I move forward?

I would respond, including everybody, saying I’m so sorry to hear that’s the way you feel. I’ve always thought you were very professional until I received this public message. In the future could you please show me a little respect by talking to me directly with any issues. Thank you in advance @Waffleandlies

Also would just make you manager and HR aware

Btw this also depends on what she said. I let a lot of things slide and would approach like this. But there are a few things in life I would absolutely have a HR meeting for

 

[HoGi]

I shower in the morning for a quick wash before work. I sometimes have a quick bath if I'm cold but generally bathing is a hobby of mine.

Long bath, super hot, face mask, hair mask, lots of bubbles, glass of wine, book and I settle in for at least an hour.