The advice thread for random problems #3

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

Appreciate we’re months away but I’m going to be asked about this soon… Christmas- a family member has been nasty about my little one (nearly 5 months old). She hates kids and sadly this has translated to my little one and she’s let me know her feelings. She will be there at Christmas unless she’s uninvited (it won’t happen which is fine as I’m not the one hosting Christmas, it’ll be my parents). I’ve cut her out, not spoken since it happened a month ago, what she’s done is unforgivable imo and I don’t want her around my baby.

I don’t want to put my parents in the middle but I also don’t want my child around her. It’ll be her first Christmas so I want it to be special, and my parents will want to be with her. I’m not one for dramatics so don’t want to give my parents an ultimatum, but I also don’t want to be around her. I’m in two minds whether to just go as it’s just one day, or whether I say I don’t want her around the baba and we celebrate Christmas on Boxing Day or something. Sadly my mum will be upset regardless but it’s not something I’m backing down on and all the emotional blackmail in the world won’t make me feel any different, saying something about me is one thing but I can’t forgive saying something about my innocent baby.

So ultimately I’m not sure what to do, I don’t think there’s a right answer as someone will get upset regardless.

Ask your parents to split the day in half and you either go morning/afternoon or afternoon/evening. And she who shall not be mentioned can get the other space

 

[CoffeeMamma]

I called them and they called straight back, they said nerve damage was probable after what they did and it could last up to a month However they’ve asked me to pop back in just to put my mind at rest.

 

[CallMeHollywood]

The idiots who lived in my house before me used gorilla adhesive to stick a mirror that isn’t shatter proof. Cue me trying to remove said mirror and ending up covered in tiny shards of glass while the majority of it is still stuck to the tiled wall.
Any thoughts on how to get this off? I’ve covered the back wall in wd40 and white spirit in the hope it dribbles down, but it’s not worked.

Quoting myself here to say that I tried all your suggestions plus others. The only thing that worked was steaming it. It’s left remnants of the gorilla adhesive, but I’m covering it with a proper mirror so it’s not a problem. Thanks for your help!

 

[littlepup]

I asked for advice on the situation when it happened I merely just gave people an update on what happened and had a little vent

You gave the situation no context and implied you were the one who was completely innocent as though he was harassing you.
Was he giving it the sexual content this time or did you save up the messages from the previous time and send them? You obviously replied to him. Why reply then send the messages to the ex or family? Does that not seem strange to you? You are not the good person here. The innocent one is his girlfriend and her family and they are the ones you are continuing to drag into it.

 

[petitspois]

Not overreacting, there’s an issue there. She needs to call a meeting with the boss (and maybe HR) and have a direct conversation about his decision. It will either bring the issue into the open or make him realise how pig ignorant his decision was. Marketing and comms roles are often overlooked as easy work but they are not at all. Either way, she should look for another role, and it sounds like she’s being taken for granted.

That's good advice. My first reaction was that the boss was going to take credit for something she did and didn't want her there.

 

[clueless]

Not a problem but has anyone here seen the Oppenheimer film and if so can you please confirm if there's a 15-minute sex scene or not? I can't find a straight answer among all the noise online about it, it seems unbelievable though. I'm not a prude but hate the thought of sitting in a cinema full of people watching a graphic boinkfest for 15 minutes

 

[QueenBW]

How do you carefully and discreetly separate yourself from a clingy but lonely neighbour?

Met my neighbour 3 doors down when her cat ended up coming into my house all the time. Elderly lady, in her 70s I think. Husband sadly passed years ago and no kids. Since I met her she's been inviting me round for tea, coffee, movies, all sorts. We added each other on Facebook so I could let her know if her cat was at mine and not leaving. She sends me multiple Facebook posts every day of the most random things - memes, pictures of elaborately decorated cakes, vintage cars, you name it. I barely use Facebook and told her this and she still bombards me with messages.

I've tried popping round for a quick cuppa to give her a bit of company but she talks and talks and I just can't find a way out (I even get my daughter to call me now after an hour to feign some emergency so I can escape). If I haven't seen her in a couple of weeks she'll ask me to take in a parcel or cat sit or some other mundane task that gets her round to mine or me round to hers.

I think she's simply lonely. I feel for her. But I also work full time and I'm lucky to have an active social life. Without sounding rude I just don't have the time for this and I feel so smothered by it. I don't want to hurt her but I really would just like a bit of space...

That sounds really tough, both for you and for her. Loneliness in the elderly is super common, even amongst those who have kids.

Do you know if there are other elderly neighbors in the vicinity that you could introduce her to?

If there are any free community activities for elders somewhere (I once lived in a city that offered crafts, movie afternoons, and stuff like that for people 65+ every Wednesday at a community center) maybe you could look into it because she might not know how to. This could provide her with a community of peers and ease the loneliness.

And whenever you're pressed for time / need to escape you can just be really kind but also very firm and say "I'm so sorry, X, I really have to go now, but it's been lovely to see you." It's not rude to establish boundaries, although some people will take it as such but that's their issue not yours.

If you're willing to, you could also try out having a regular catch up every, say, third Thursday of the month or something where she knows this is happening and you're committed to it. Maybe that could also ease the apprehension that she won't have anyone if you don't come round to hers.

You sound like a really kind person.

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

This is annoying and stupid but does anyone know of a way to block someone on Facebook from seeing your posts but without unfriending them? I have one of MiL’s friends on my Facebook and I very rarely post but whenever I do, she immediately calls Mil and tells her what I’ve posted. Mil then calls my husband and wants to know why we didn’t tell her we did xyz. It’s really fucking annoying. If I unfriend the wretched woman, all hell will break loose so I just want her to stop seeing my posts. I’ve tried searching but can’t find any useful answer.

There's an easy solution which is you restrict what the person can see on your FB. I've restricted Mr Lolz's whole family for the same reason. His mum and sister was always questioning me about meme's I post and thinking it's aimed at them.....it's a fucking meme!
Anyway they've been restricted to the point they can only see my profile photo and whatever is public on my profile (which is nothing)

 

[stargirl23]

When I’ve struggled to eat in the past I’ve had milkshakes soup or smoothies that’ll keep me full as they’re high in calories but easy to digest. So sorry to hear you’re going through this and hope things get better for you soon. Good luck with your new job

 

[QueenBW]

What do you do when there's nothing actually wrong in your life, but you just feel miserable and stale all the time? I'm a single mum so not like I can do things outside the home much when I've got her (obviously we do child focused activities and days out) all the things I see on insta are like "go for a walk, see friends, go to the pub" etc but I can't all my friends are too busy with their partners and I can't leave my child at home on their own

Sounds like burnout, if possible try to see a mental health professional. They could help give you some coping mechanisms for when you feel overwhelmed and check that there's nothing else going on.

Also, and I know this comes across as such a jerk thing to say but as someone with generalized anxiety disorder I have seen it work on myself, but try to work out regularly. Even if it's a super short workout, while your girl is still in bed or napping or playing on her own. Even a little movement, ten minutes a day, can help shift the energy and release endorphins and close a stress cycle. You can do home workouts, check out Fitness Blender for guided workouts.

 

[StrawberryBanana90]

Thanks @Carapop & @greenvelvet (congrats on the new job!) They got back to me with a much more suitable time and were understanding about it! I have to stop being an overthinker!

 

[LaBlonde]

Agree with everything you’ve said and others too! I’m sure the OP has been told numerous times on numerous threads that her behaviour is an appropriate with regards to the ex and his new girlfriend but she just keeps going scary stuff!
---

You need help.

yep: as said above, i recognise this user from the dating thread in particular where she posted the same story over multiple months but never really returned after being advised to STOP.

she seems to be doing a scattergun approach of covering lots of threads at once in the hope of finding someone who is going to validate her actions. it’s bordering on quite scary
---

Oh my bad so sorry Stardust - didn't mean to accuse you !!
I've read this conversation on so many different threads i'm losing the plot myself.
I'll just get on my with work.
As you were!
Soz x

it’s understandable: there’s a lot of replies going on here at once

 

[stargirl23]

Thanks, I will definitely look into them an I agree, the story's he comes home an tells me honestly just saddens me, the money they pay as well



Honestly he is, he's actually retirement age but the cost of living has him stressed plus he's never known what it's like not to work, we have all tried absolutely everything to convince him to just retire an he won't, we got him a greenhouse in the hopes it would give him something to focus on, I've even tried to talk him into me helping him do a little cooking vlog (he's 50+ years in the food industry an has been a executive chef on oil rigs) but he wasn't for that either, tried to talk him into cooking meals an selling them locally an he's just like nope, it's just causing us to stress out now because we are being involved in this with them trying to get our mobile numbers an now showing up to the house

My nan was the same. She lost her husband and didn’t want to retire as all she knew was working and didn’t want to be alone. We found an age uk group here and it’s changed her life. She volunteered for elderly coffee mornings and goes to the hall twice a week to chat to elderly people needing someone to talk to, makes them a coffee etc maybe your dad would consider something like that if he likes the care industry but needs out of the home because of the poor treatment they’re giving him at work

 

[MissTeddy]

soooooooooooo sorry again

 

[Waffleandlies]

Today at work a woman (same level of seniority) of me sent a teams message meant for someone on her team, to a group wide teams chat I’m in, making derogatory comments about me. I’ve not worked with her for over 9 months and they were irrelevant to what I was doing at the time.

I have to keep working with her, any suggestions how I move forward?

 

[Snippysnips]

Honestly I think ghosting is only immature if you have been talking with them then suddenly ghost them, or you agreed to go somewhere an ghost

This I feel is different because you haven't spoken in a long time an did have a little bit of a fall out before it, both of you have kindi moved on since then

 

[Snippysnips]

Can anyone help me regarding a hen party? Do you have to get everyone a gift bag?

I’m maid of honour and it’s a night away with hotel, travel and activities. I’ve also paid for the bride. I’ve paid for card games, accessories for bride to wear etc and everything is adding up quickly! If I have to get gift bags it’s going to be a lot of money as there will be 16 people. It’s really making me worry as we don’t have loads of spare money.

We’re also paying to travel, hotel stop for the actual wedding plus of course wedding gift and everything else involved.

Please someone tell me I’m not a tight arse for not wanting to do gift bags? Or if I am being tight can someone please give me suggestions of what I could give people?

Honestly I think gift bags are starting to become a thing of the past, been to many hen parties an I think there's only been two I've actually been giving one (which tbh went in the bin) at my SIL hen party we didn't do it, we figured we'd paid enough an it wasn't needed as we had paid for the game stuff an got prizes for "winners" an had put some money behind the bar so people could have a drink

Honestly I think you have paid enough an people won't mind if they get one or not, I know it depends on what you are getting for the bags if you done them but personally I find it pointless, the stuff I got I wasn't interested in an I wasn't keeping it around the house for the sake of it

 

[Babysnark]

Gargling with salt water can help too as well as lots of rest. It's important if it doesn’t begin to improve after a couple of days to go back, also if it effects breathing/swallowing.

I had it really badly in 2018, gp surgery wouldn’t let me be seen until I couldn’t speak or breathe, luckily I had a gp appointment a couple of days later as unbeknown to me it had spread (black spots on roof of mouth signified that), and, was beginning to effect breathing and speaking. I was on different antibiotics for about six weeks. I was told to gargle with salt water and try the difflam spray and rest lots as I refused to go to hospital.

Omg this sounds awful! I know one of my tonsils is really bad the doctor told me I need to go straight to get the antibiotics and start them ASAP and it's a 10 day course.

I used Doctor Google and learnt what quinsy was earlier. I haven't been able to eat or drink much in the past two days so I think that's why they gave me a same day in person appointment as I was getting pretty dehydrated

I’ve currently got it, must be doing the rounds but this bout is awful! Second the difflam spray, I can’t use it currently as I’m pregnant but when I’ve used it before it’s been a life saver in terms of numbing the pain. And lots of ice lollies/yoghurts help I find. Hope you feel better soon

Tonsillitis twins!! hope you heal up soon

Thank you everyone that replied, I appreciate it and has made me feel a bit better - managed to nap a couple of hours this evening after taking codeine dihydrochloride +paracetamol +ibuprofen in one go and doing a salt gargle so hoping things will only improve from here xx

 

[stardust1]

Anyone an expert in tax stuff?
My other half got a demand from HMRC in the post yesterday, saying he's underpaid income tax for the FY 22/23 to the tune of 1k.
We absolutely cannot afford to pay it back in one lump sum like they're asking.
He switched jobs part-way through the financial year (September), and by the looks of it from the breakdown they sent, his new job started his tax free allowance from scratch and didn't tax him until he earnt past the allowance, but obviously he'd already earnt 11k earlier in the year so this shouldn't have happened.
He doesn't have payslips as he got them electronically and never saved them, and as he left that job in May this year, he no longer has access to the system to download them again to check what actually came out.

If they did put him on the wrong tax code, do we still have to pay? I know he should have been more observant but you kind of expect payroll to get this sort of thing right.
I'm just really worrying and don't know what to do

he will still be expected to pay however they will accept a monthly pay plan x

 

[Username_unknown]

It sounds like she doesn't even think her actions could have hurt you or she doesn't have the guts to take responsibility and apologize. I've been around people like that, it's not that they're evil or anything, but they're extremely hard to have in your life.

That's what another person has said to me, said I can forgive but not forget but she hurt me and i'll never trust her the same, I'll never be able to go out with her again, that's for sure! She said to our friend that she isn't ready to address what she said to me yet too which I honestly think is a cop out