The advice thread for random problems #3

[Tommyb]

I need some advice about how to approach a work situation.

So I’m part of a little project of 5 of us. In the past year I’ve done everything for this project and even though it’s not that much work it’s getting on my nerves that they do absolutely nothing! We would never have a meeting if it wasn’t for me, let alone get anything sorted. I could run this thing single handedly.

Ive decided that in our next meeting this week I’m gonna say that I need the work to be equal going forward. I’m not the leader of the group (there isn’t one) so I feel really awkward doing that. I totally acknowledge that I’m one of those proactive people that just gets things done so maybe they think I like doing it all. But at the same time, if you’re in a team, how can you let one person do ALL the work? I would never do that to a colleague.

I do like these people individually and we get on. I just don’t know how to tell them to stop being so lazy? Help?

Set an agenda for the meeting. Divide out parts of the project to go through and assign them to people with deadlines. After the meeting follow up with the agenda with deadlines. Make sure you email after every meeting with what was agreed. Ask that seperate parts are to be saved down by the deadline and then collate them. If a part is missing do not chase it. Let it be incomplete and highlight this person as having missed the deadline. Not sure on Excel skills but you can also create a tracker for separate parts of the project with people's names on.

 

[stardust1]

Four years ago, I slept with one of my bosses after a drunken night out. He told me he was divorced and had full custody of his son, doesn’t have anything to do with his ex wife, and is single. He’d only been there a few weeks so didn’t really know much about him or spoke to him much.

The morning after, we slept together again and then I went for a shower. As I came out he was on the phone and said ‘gotta go, love ya’ - so I said ‘aw was that your boy?’ and he went ‘no my girlfrie… fuck.’

Turns out they’d been together for five years at that point, engaged for four, her and her three kids live there, and her grandkids call him granddad.


I had to keep talking to him for work purposes, but he got made redundant as the pandemic eased up. In the meantime I’d met my boyfriend. He sent me a dirty message so I told him to fuck off and if he ever contacted me again then I’d tell his partner, then blocked him.


For some reason she’s come up on my suggested friends on Facebook recently and I had a snoop. They’re planning their wedding and she’s posting about how he’s the best partner ever and how he’s so different from her cheating abusive ex husband.

I now feel like such a bitch for not telling her as soon as I found out. I was 19 and stupid, and couldn’t be bothered with the backlash. He was 51 and my dad also worked with us, so it would have caused an almighty rift between us all.
Now I’m sat here thinking is it too late to say something? Should I message her? Do I just ignore it and let them crack on? I feel so conflicted.

I wouldn’t say anything and leave them too it, I’d probably feel guilty but I think not saying anything causes more peace for your self.

 

[AllTheBest2022]

How do you go about reporting a nursary?

So the nursary my neice goes too have been told repeatedly not to allow her to sleep past 3pm my brother has been up countless times telling them this an the health care visitor that sees her also works with this nursary an has told them not to allow it, yesterday they allowed her to sleep for almost 3 hours at 1pm, an now we have found out they are managing these long sleeps (she only sleeps for about a hour with us an at home) because they are giving her a dummy, we took her off her dummy in January an apart from two night meltdowns she come off quite easily an has never asked for it, all of a sudden at the weekend she was back to asking for one an getting upset an we now found out yesterday the nursery is letting her get one

Personally am tired of us telling them not to allow things an them not listening, none of us want her going back on a dummy after we managed to get her off an she's an absolute nightmare to get to bed if she's slept past 3pm

There must be a way to official put in a complaint that they are going to listen too because clearly talking with them isn't working

Have you made a formal complaint to the nursery? This will be the first step. If you have then complain to Ofsted. Although to be honest most nurseries have rules/policies in place where they aren't to wake a sleeping child, nor to prevent them falling asleep. I know in the nurseries I've worked in we weren't allowed to and I completely understand how frustrating it is for the parents but if a child is tired then there isn't a lot we can do.

As for the techniques they are using 'calm down chair', all nurseries follow a different ethos and have independent ways of dealing with behaviour. You'll need to find one that matches what you follow at home, which by the sounds of it is a Montessori nursery.

 

[JoeBloggs]

I used to think of her as family so it feels like quite a big decision for me, and I also recently saw some thing about ghosting being an immature reaction, so I wasn’t really sure. I guess everyone does it.

I don’t think you are exactly ghosting, you are putting boundaries in place and letting the natural end come. People cannot force themselves on you especially if it’s done when it only suits them.

 

[HoGi]

Got a new job as a receptionist/admin, is there anywhere online that does nice clothes at a good price? I've gotten some things from shein but won't know till they come if they are any good, I did try the shops today but there was hardly a thing, doesn't help all I've got is a new look an Matalan

Am a bit lost on what I should be wearing, don't really want to be in black trousers an a plain top everyday but obviously am not going to show up in jeans which right now is all my wardrobe mostly consists of, so any sites that sort of group things up will help

I wouldn't buy a lot until you have been there a week or so and can suss out what everyone else wears and buy similar I.e. if it is more formal or a bit more smart casual.

Maybe get a pair of black trousers and a couple of tops that you can mix up with other bits for the first week or two.

 

[CoffeeMamma]

I’m going to point out that I said Nespresso because it’s the only machine I’ve ever had, ours broke after 12 years of service and I now buy local coffee beans, grind them in a £10 grinder from Asda and brew coffee in a £15 cafetière from Habitat. Tastes great and we’ve saved money. Plus the coffee grounds keeps the local cats off my flower beds!

 

[Kim Mild]

Is it OK to check someone out on socials when you meet them for the first time lol
In the grand scheme it sounds ridiculous but curiosity and all that...
Have you ever checked someone out on social media after meeting them?

Every single person I've ever come across. Come over to the social media stalking thread

 

[Ingognito.Queen]

Never had a bath in my old house and I realised how little I actually use a bath. Just don’t have the time usually a quick shower on an evening. Personally didn’t miss the bath and since moving to here with a bath I can count on one hand the amount we’ve used it. Even my son prefers showers now

We didn't use the bath in our old house as we all preferred the shower, so ripped it out an put in a nice big shower, when we come to sell it didn't affect the value in anyway, sure some did say they would have liked the bath but in then end it sold without any problems an the people said they if they ever wanted a bath then they would just change it back over to one

It would instantly put me off as I love a bath and I would be thinking I need to rip the bathroom out straight away, so I probably wouldn't even view a house with no bath.

Like others have said I think it would also put off those with kids.

I would literally have a bath everyday if I had one.

Is there anything better than a bubble bath, candles, a glass of wine and an audiobook playing?

 

[JoeBloggs]

Thanks all.
I mentioned the mortgage as more of an example to him as to why I wanted him to do a recalculation, and that was all I was asking him to do, which he refused. I guess I felt that I had no choice but to contact the CMS as I felt like I wasn’t being listened to and being spoken to in an aggressive way. I of course fully accept that they might come back with the same or even a less amount.
I don’t drive so I feel he is using this fact to be a petty bastard which most of you realise (phew).

Looking at if from the other side I can see why he’s cross, you’ve rocked the boat. Your increased costs are not his fault, nor are they due to more costs for your son they are just the current state of things and he is likely to be experiencing the same. You both have him nearly 50/50 so really he’s paying his fair share when he’s with him and should only be helping to cover other costs (uniform etc). If you had him the majority of the time that would be different. Also if he’s doing all the driving then while it’s petty it is costing him money. If you’re expecting him to cover more of your costs then he should be due the same.

 

[JoeBloggs]

Oh I’m not saying it’s fair at all, just without the context it was difficult to know if they’d just blindly assumed you were fine absorbing the cost or whether you’d actually flagged it before. It is unfair and poor management, I suppose it’s up to you what (if anything) you’d do about it.

I was going to ask the same thing, your replacement probably stated they were not prepared to use their own phone. Sometimes it is a case of who shouts the loudest and if you continued to use your own phone and covers postage costs they let you. Stand your ground. Submit some expenses and stop doing it.

 

[CoffeeMamma]

Not really a "problem" but after some ideas. Apart from a meal out, cinema or going for a walk what is there to do for adults? I love all those three I mentioned but looking at doing something a bit different to break it up

We’ve done:
Pool hall
Bowling
Arcades
Pottery painting/mug painting
Archery
History tours/museums
Crazy golf

 

[stargirl23]

I had an interview for an internal role yesterday - I’ve worked with one of the interviewers before - he emailed me after to say well done & that I did a good job

Is that a good sign or is it a bit consolation -y? What would you think thanks

I’d take it positive. Most don’t take the time to email you after especially if they’ve had to interview a few people

 

[Rxt156]

Has anyone ever reported a care home an had results?

My dad works in a care home, when he's on holiday I switch the phone off because if I don't they are on the phone consistently looking for him to go in, he doesn't have a mobile an am not giving them ours, so now they have started sending people to our house looking for him, I find this breaking privacy as no one should be getting told our home address, especially random employers at his work

Obviously I want to report it, management is doing nothing an clearly our address has been passed from management but am not sure who to go too an if they will get this looked into, my biggest concern is clearly they had no problems passing our address onto employees so who else has had their address giving out

That is SOOOO out of order. Wow. Report and tell them absolutely not to do it again

 

[Lalla]

Thank you all

Someone did suggest the noise thingy to me before, it's called a Mosquito, but they're like £500 plus installation. I would pay it, but knowing my luck it wouldn't work on the little sods.

I dogsit for my friend once a week but her dog is useless , he doesn't bark and won't play with balls My son's girlfriend also has a dog, he does bark but will only play with tennis balls so not much use either!

Initially I always threw the balls back when they knocked, then they stopped knocking and just started helping themselves. When my eldest son is here he's booted quite a few from the back of our garden, there's about 4 different gardens that back onto ours so no idea where those balls went. We also collected up a load last summer (about 10 in a fortnight) and gave them to a local kids club. And still it continues! I have periodically been throwing some back over but I'm done with doing that now.

One of the kids plays for the youth team of a Premier league club (you'd think his aim with a football would be better in the circs!) and they basically treat him like the Second Coming. I don't know if they get the balls free from the club but any any time they must have 10+ footballs in their garden (or in mine).

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

What I ordered vs what arrived.

To add insult to injury, these were on print to order, I ordered on Sept 10th, it arrived Oct 11th after being told 10 working days. £55.99 with delivery I paid and it looks nothing like what I ordered!

My friend thinks I’m being dramatic and it’s not that bad, but I’m so upset and it’s been posted about a fair bit within the festival community, so I’m not the only one!

Do I have grounds for a refund/compensation here? I’m not going to be able to get the design shown it seems. I feel massively missold

Absolutely demand a refund. Yes, tie-dye are all different. But one is black with red and the one you got is just red with a hint of black.
I would definitwly send it back
---
Imo that is significantly not as described

 

[didisaythatoutloudoops]

How do you start your life over? For some context I’m in a long term relationship, we have bought a house together and have a toddler. I hate the job I have now. I’ve fallen out of love (not sure if I ever truly loved him anyway) with the man I’ve bought a home/had a baby with. I just feel like I’ve made this massive mistake and there’s nothing I can do other than live with the decisions I’ve made. I just don’t fancy him anymore, at all. We argue constantly and I just don’t like him as a person. I’m 30 next year and I really don’t want to get to 39 and realise I’ve done nothing about it. I just want to be happy. I’ve recently overcome the worst of post natal depression. I just want to start over, but I’m so scared of all the stuff I’ll have to think about. Also to add: I don’t regret my baby one bit, he’s the only good thing that’s come of this. I just want a bit of the old me/life back and live happily with my son x

I'm a fair bit older than you (I won't say how much) and I divorced the father of my child for the same reason. I won't say it is easy but it is so worth it. My daughter is all grown up now and understands herself that sometimes two people just can't make it work. I have a good relationship with her dad. I recommend you keep it as amicable as possible, if you do argue over something keep it well away from your son (they pick up on it quick) and realise that the hard work now will create the life you're dreaming of later.

And you are so young at 30, you have so much time!!!! x

 

[CallMeHollywood]

You should find as many receipts as you can and ask for reimbursement. It is indeed unfair but it might be too late now.

This. Get an itemised bill for your phone and work out the ratio of work calls to personal calls and bill them for the percentage. Stamps would be much harder, but stop doing that now - they should be providing stamps. We don’t work for fun, we work to live.

 

[Rxt156]

Not a problem but I didn't want to create a new thread just to ask this silly question... how would you describe this hair colour to your hairdresser? What sort of shade is it? Are there also highlights/low-lights/something else? It's not a million miles away from my own colour so I think it would be achievable. I get a warmish blonde colour done with a few highlights, and my own natural colour is much the same as Blake's roots/eyebrows - but I'd like to know the correct way to describe what I would like alongside showing this picture. Thank you in advance!

View attachment 2334215

I imagine the picture will be enough not sure what colour it is but surely you don’t need to say what it is as well as show them?

 

[littlepup]

Coat turning up or not this stealing and damaging behaviour needs to be addressed by the school. In adults it would be theft.
On top of that, if kids aren’t understanding about touching peoples property what does it say about bullying behaviour, personal space, consent etc. Not to be all PC or got OTT about it but it’s a valid issue. They basically need to be taught you dont fuck about with other people or their stuff or there’re consequences.

 

[Squittel]

I’ve got my driving test tomorrow. Except my driving instructor as gone into labour. We were meant to have lessons today and tomorrow. I’ve forgotten how to reverse park. I tried in my husbands car yesterday but completely fucked it. If I pass it’s going to be a total fluke.