The advice thread for random problems #3

[JoeBloggs]

What do you think is a normal amount to spend on bills per month? We currently have a joint income of just under 80k, which works out at about £4300 per month after all taxes etc. at the moment we put £600 each in to the joint account and it covers all bills with a little money to spare. We want to move somewhere bigger and more suburban, but the mortgages are looking to be around £1600 on their own, so I imagine we’d be paying just over £1k each including bills, which is obviously a lot more but then we’d have a garden and more space, and be somewhere a bit quieter (currently live in the city centre) I was originally looking at it thinking I used to rent a flat and paid around £1000 per month for just rent and parking, so it’s not that bad but I am not sure if I’m being silly

sorry for this massive ramble

The general rule of thumb is 50% for essential living costs including rent/mortgage and food. Our joint income is about £72K and our bills are £2K a month, we bring home £4,700. Our bills do include home & life insurance and sky but not our cats or car costs. Personally £600 a month is nothing, especially considering your income.

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

Not a problem but has anyone here seen the Oppenheimer film and if so can you please confirm if there's a 15-minute sex scene or not? I can't find a straight answer among all the noise online about it, it seems unbelievable though. I'm not a prude but hate the thought of sitting in a cinema full of people watching a graphic bonkfest for 15 minutes

I'm going to see this 3 hour monstrosity tomorrow and will let you know I'll probably use that scene to go use the toilet so I really hope it's about half way into the film

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

@CoffeeMamma @stargirl23 @CallMeHollywood thank you for all the suggestions. It's really helpful

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

No they're not very low maintenance, unless you don't care for them well. Cat litter is expensive and so is decent cat food. Vet fees can be crazy so it's recommended to get insurance and the cost of that is going up like everything else.

My cat was very low maintenance and I probably treated him better than you treat your children.
Geez, I hate that everytime somebody on here shares their experience another tattler has to come on here and say “that’s not true”

Anyway

I really appreciate your responses! My friend has a habit of being impulsive and absolutely not thinking things through. When it’s just her in the middle I can let her get on with it but I’m really worried that a helpless kitten will get stuck in the middle possibly without food around payday. Plus myself and her whole family is allergic so she would need to pay for pet sitters when she goes on holiday (2/3 times a year)

If your friend doesn’t have money then any pet is a bad idea.

 

[tomato_paste]

I’ve got my driving test tomorrow. Except my driving instructor as gone into labour. We were meant to have lessons today and tomorrow. I’ve forgotten how to reverse park. I tried in my husbands car yesterday but completely fucked it. If I pass it’s going to be a total fluke.

You will be fine, promise. Your brain is just having a wobble but it will be allright. It's not unusual to temporarily forget everything the day before a big event - talk to all the theatre people out there. I've had a few talks I had to do recently and when the test run went well I fucked it up on stage completely, but when I did horribly in the test run the actual talk was super. So hugs, don't try to hard today and just give it your best tomorrow!

 

[QueenBW]

Thank you both so much @LaBlonde and @QueenBW - I really appreciate the kind words!

I did gently introduce the topic of a community activity or day centre - I totally agree that it might be a really good thing for her. Surprisingly she didn't appear particularly interested. She's also quite good on her computer (from the countless Facebook posts I see she's part of many local Facebook groups) so I think it's unwillingness on that side.

And indeed I'm awful at establishing boundaries sometimes - I've got that Britishness in me!! I'm nervous about giving her a dedicated day I'll visit just because I travel quite a bit for work, and honestly, I'm scared of her automatically presuming this visit will be weekly or more and complaining when it isn't. That definitely comes down to boundaries on my side and like you said, saying no. I will give it a try - thank you!!

Hope it helps, @didisaythatoutloudoops !

The reticence to go to a community center might partly be anxiety/her having been alone for so long that she's both yearning for community but afraid of putting herself out there. My grandma was like that, she refused to go to the Wednesday shenanigans, claimed she'd hate it, that she wouldn't know anyone and it'd be awkward. My mom literally took her one day, told her if she gave the whole day a try and still hated it she wouldn't mention it ever again. Of course grandma loved it and ended up going for the remainder of her life and even traveled abroad with some of the gals she met there.

Of course your neighbor isn't your relative and it's not your responsibility to force her to try things but yeah. Perhaps spending some time doing a bit of research to propose a specific one that you know more about could end up freeing your time in the long run!

As someone who travels a lot, I totally hear you. But maybe just try it for a bit, pick the day when you're least likely to travel, be super explicit that it will be a monthly thing, etc.

Also, if she's good with the internet maybe introduce her to Tattle (jk, imagine she finds this post!)

 

[Thank(space)you]

I have an auditor coming in to assess my financial reports at work, it's a standard yearly audit but my first one (I got promoted a year ago and that's when I took over the reports) and I am absolutely bricking it I know box breathing and I have some rescue remedy and I know to visualise it going well, but any other calming tips would be great!

 

[square_spoon]

Should you always go with your gut instincts, or rules you've made for yourself based on past experience?

For context I'm trying to decide who to work with for a project, and in the past two days I've interviewed two guys.

#1 seemed like a genuinely nice guy, but contravened a lot of criteria that I had set up based on years of experience. I won't go into it here, but I've set several targets like "Doesn't say X. Does express an interest in Y." etc. Because I've found that they turn out to be red flags down the line. I feel tempted to think Oh he's great, I'll go with him anyway. But that has definitely come back to bite me in the arse more than once before!

#2 was very chatty and charismatic and sociable, but I was following the advice of articles I'd read about how to avoid hiring narcissists, and I mentioned a legitimate critique I had. I kept my vocal tone nice and said it wasn't his fault as we could smooth it out down the line. But maaaaaan, his face changed. He looked so different after I said it: his eyes kind of squinted and his mouth was held open, stiff. There was like all grief and hurt on his face. It was literally a piece of feedback where most people would go "Oh, ok." and accept that it would be fixed later. In most other instances, he had this wonderful warm easy personality and passed most of my questions. The only marker he didn't hit was praising any women he's worked with (big indicator for whether he will work with a woman or just decide he knows best and steamroll over her). But then it's possible that he hasn't worked with many women, or none noteable enough to come up in conversation.

I also thought to some extent he might be telling me what I wanted to hear. I felt like he was noting what I said and then feeding it back a few sentences later. Like if I said I'd like X for the project, he'd say "I love X, I do it all the time as a hobby." Might be true, but it happened enough times that it pinged in my brain.

But really it's that face, over what was a very lightly-handled bit of critique. Not even criticism, just a "This in your proposal wasn't what I'm looking for, but that's ok because we can talk about it more and gain an understanding." I really liked his warmth and charisma at the time, but when I came off the call, I just had a voice in my head going "No no no."

Any ideas, Tattlers, on either #1 or #2?

Ordinarily I’d say #1 (you can train for skills, you can’t train a bad personality) but my only caveat would be how pressurised the project environment is. If you need someone who can hit the ground running and you can tolerate a few personality ‘quirks’ to get the job done then I’d lean toward #2 but if you have the space to bring #1 up to speed without jeopardising any of the deliverables I’d be inclined to go for them.

 

[Stressed]

Thanks I'll try an see if the council will take any involvement with it an if not try ofstead



We don't know if they are putting her down or she's going down herself, she's only two an all we get is "I had a long sleep" an they tell us the times she slept but we have told them to just wake her before 3 or distract her so she doesn't sleep, this is what we do, we can't have her sleeping past 3 because she's not going to bed till almost 10 at night sometimes an then she's still getting up at 6 an ends up being totally exhausted an it's just a day of meltdowns, the heath visitor also suggested she stop sleeping past 3 for this reason as well, my brother's had a few meetings with them about this an the health visitor also had a meeting about this, but we just found out when my niece mentioned she got a dummy yesterday that they have been giving her one

I also don't like the fact they are sitting her on a chair an telling her to "calm down" if she's upset, this isn't what we do, we talk to her an get her to tell us why she's upset so we can fix it

Have you thought about finding a different nursery?!

 

[Snippysnips]

Appreciate we’re months away but I’m going to be asked about this soon… Christmas- a family member has been nasty about my little one (nearly 5 months old). She hates kids and sadly this has translated to my little one and she’s let me know her feelings. She will be there at Christmas unless she’s uninvited (it won’t happen which is fine as I’m not the one hosting Christmas, it’ll be my parents). I’ve cut her out, not spoken since it happened a month ago, what she’s done is unforgivable imo and I don’t want her around my baby.

I don’t want to put my parents in the middle but I also don’t want my child around her. It’ll be her first Christmas so I want it to be special, and my parents will want to be with her. I’m not one for dramatics so don’t want to give my parents an ultimatum, but I also don’t want to be around her. I’m in two minds whether to just go as it’s just one day, or whether I say I don’t want her around the baba and we celebrate Christmas on Boxing Day or something. Sadly my mum will be upset regardless but it’s not something I’m backing down on and all the emotional blackmail in the world won’t make me feel any different, saying something about me is one thing but I can’t forgive saying something about my innocent baby.

So ultimately I’m not sure what to do, I don’t think there’s a right answer as someone will get upset regardless.

I'd prob go morning for presents before the family member is there then go boxing day (or have your parents at yours on boxing day) for a Xmas dinner, I know you said your parents would be dissapointed but sometimes it's better so that the whole day isn't ruined, are you a single parent? Nothing bad about it but if not then why not say that the other grandparents want Xmas dinner at theirs so you can have a Xmas day on boxing day with yours

When it comes to me neice my brother rotates her grandparents, so this year they will come to us in the morning so she can open her presents then they will go to her other grandparents for the day an for dinner an come to us for dinner on boxing day, last year they went in the morning to her other grandparents for presents then come to us on Xmas day, that way both grandparents get her at Xmas

 

[Meg78]

Ah okay so they have to refund the original delivery charge but they can still charge for the actual return sending?

If both items are returned and had a delivery charge then it should be reimbursed, most retailers pretend to not know and pocket the fees, so they need a nudge. If any item from the parcel is faulty they should be paying to return it

Letter to refuse paying the cost of returning a faulty item - Which?

If you wish to return a faulty item bought online, you shouldn't incur the cost of returning it. If the retailer is insisting you pay, use this letter to challenge them.

www.which.co.uk

---
Whilst I’m here, should anyone like the brand Roman please buy from Next and don’t go direct to the brand, their atrocious policies mean you have no exchange or refund when you purchase in store, and they insist that you pay for the return if online. Worst retailer out there for this, however now that Next offers the brand as part of their delivery scheme it’s less tricky (though I avoid them on principle)

 

[Meg78]

This is going to sound like a 1st world problems but I’m getting quite stressed out about it, I can’t seem to engage in a conversation with a male human lately without them assuming my vagina is open for business and I don’t know why

Im not classically attractive, got my dads features and I’m overweight, been wearing baggy jeans and jumpers, no make up, really really not in any way siren or sexy, but I’ve had 5 workers in the past week alone try to get my number as I’m going about my normal day, men who work in petrol stations, shops, restaurants I’m at with my husband and even soft play have all given it a go! I’m friendly and answer questions but definitely not flirty, is the bar set so low now I can’t even make eye contact? This is a very recent problem, has something changed in the past few months and fat girls are now hot?

 

[Snippysnips]

I would literally have a bath everyday if I had one.

Is there anything better than a bubble bath, candles, a glass of wine and an audiobook playing?

People like different things I guess I like the quickness of the shower, our new house has a bath an separate shower an it just takes far too long to wait an fill up as it's a deep bath an quite long too, am also glad I've got the shower as my toddler neice isn't keen with sitting in water right now so I need the shower for her

 

[tomato_paste]

Anyone had tonsillitis? Any tips to get it to stop hurting as painkillers aren't touching it at all and I've had 3 hours sleep the past two nights in broken chunks, I'm literally dying and also crying which only hurts me more haha.

I've been given antibiotics by the doctor hoping they will help but I've only just taken my first dose.

I had it before when I was about 18 but don't remember it being this bad then...

Agree with the numbing spray, also drinking loads of sage tea as it is antibacterial. Maybe even cool it down, I always found cold drinks super relieving. Get some antibacterial stuff to gargle with, too.

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

How do you start your life over? For some context I’m in a long term relationship, we have bought a house together and have a toddler. I hate the job I have now. I’ve fallen out of love (not sure if I ever truly loved him anyway) with the man I’ve bought a home/had a baby with. I just feel like I’ve made this massive mistake and there’s nothing I can do other than live with the decisions I’ve made. I just don’t fancy him anymore, at all. We argue constantly and I just don’t like him as a person. I’m 30 next year and I really don’t want to get to 39 and realise I’ve done nothing about it. I just want to be happy. I’ve recently overcome the worst of post natal depression. I just want to start over, but I’m so scared of all the stuff I’ll have to think about. Also to add: I don’t regret my baby one bit, he’s the only good thing that’s come of this. I just want a bit of the old me/life back and live happily with my son x

Is it a rough patch or do you truly think the relationship has had it's day and there is no way forward? After about 7 years together we went through an awful rough patch and I'm so glad we worked through it because we've been together 20 years and apart from that the whole relationship has been great.
But if you do believe it's done then better to rip off the band aid immediately. I would also ask if there is some way you could help him stay in the area for the sake of your child. It's very important for children to have a good relationship with both parents.

 

[WeHadFunRight]

Should you always go with your gut instincts, or rules you've made for yourself based on past experience?

For context I'm trying to decide who to work with for a project, and in the past two days I've interviewed two guys.

#1 seemed like a genuinely nice guy, but contravened a lot of criteria that I had set up based on years of experience. I won't go into it here, but I've set several targets like "Doesn't say X. Does express an interest in Y." etc. Because I've found that they turn out to be red flags down the line. I feel tempted to think Oh he's great, I'll go with him anyway. But that has definitely come back to bite me in the arse more than once before!

#2 was very chatty and charismatic and sociable, but I was following the advice of articles I'd read about how to avoid hiring narcissists, and I mentioned a legitimate critique I had. I kept my vocal tone nice and said it wasn't his fault as we could smooth it out down the line. But maaaaaan, his face changed. He looked so different after I said it: his eyes kind of squinted and his mouth was held open, stiff. There was like all grief and hurt on his face. It was literally a piece of feedback where most people would go "Oh, ok." and accept that it would be fixed later. In most other instances, he had this wonderful warm easy personality and passed most of my questions. The only marker he didn't hit was praising any women he's worked with (big indicator for whether he will work with a woman or just decide he knows best and steamroll over her). But then it's possible that he hasn't worked with many women, or none noteable enough to come up in conversation.

I also thought to some extent he might be telling me what I wanted to hear. I felt like he was noting what I said and then feeding it back a few sentences later. Like if I said I'd like X for the project, he'd say "I love X, I do it all the time as a hobby." Might be true, but it happened enough times that it pinged in my brain.

But really it's that face, over what was a very lightly-handled bit of critique. Not even criticism, just a "This in your proposal wasn't what I'm looking for, but that's ok because we can talk about it more and gain an understanding." I really liked his warmth and charisma at the time, but when I came off the call, I just had a voice in my head going "No no no."

Any ideas, Tattlers, on either #1 or #2?

My vote goes to #1

I used to have a team in a big organisation where people would often use our department as an “in” then piss off to a different part of the business fairly quickly, so I would always be really cautious of who I hired. One person came in for the role who had been working in a totally different role to my department (basically they were qualified to do the main bread and butter stuff of the company but was applying in our team that didn’t touch any of it. I thought this doesn’t make any sense to me. Anyway, they were actually amazing, just wanted to move job families genuinely and is now one of my closest friends.

the reaction to feedback with #2 to me is a red flag as it’s so difficult to work with someone who is constantly taking things personally and needs smoke blowing up their arse all the time. I wouldn’t have the energy for it.

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

Thanks, I don’t really have time to spend with a service like that unfortunately and no JL locally.

Do you have a local M&S. Most places are really helpful if you ask a bit of advice. I recently went into a River island to buy clothes for my 16 year old nephew. I just asked the coolest looking SA in there what's popular and what to avoid and he pulled stuff for me that my nephew absolutely loved

 

[WeHadFunRight]

I could really use some advice about a friendship I'm struggling with. We work together, so it's difficult because it's a mixed context. The situation was that we had a company event where we were talking to one of our partners and she afterwards criticised me quite severly about talking over her the entire time; and also brought up a different incident where I stood up for her when she was bullied by a mutual teammate - claming I percieve her as less than, and incompetent, thus the talking over her, and stepping in when it was neither wanted nor neccessary (according to her) with the bullying.

I'm angry but I don't know how justified it is. I thought the event went well and we had a fun time with the partner, I did not get a bad vibe at all. She claims the partner was impatient with me and unhappy about my behaviour - I can't see that but she might be right.

As for the bullying and perceiving her as "less than" - well... she does have the girly girl "help me you're a strong man" act down to a T, which is part cultural (different country of origin). It's a sensitive topic and I don't want to be cruel and throw that in her face that a lot of the reactions she gets isn't because my coworkers inherently disrespect women; I'm a woman too, and never felt that way with my coworkers. Instead, it's because she unconsciously uses the "helpless doe" act when she needs help, and that creates a certain type of response.

I accept and agree with her that I overstepped a boundary by bringing our friendship into a work context and behaving like I would with a friend, not a coworker; but I strongly resent being the only one with a responsibility here - that her behaviour is fine and dandy and has nothing to do with the reactions she gets - instead everyone else needs to change around her to accomodate her instead.

I want to talk to her about this eventually but I don't know how to bring it up without sounding like I won't take any of the blame; and I also want to be cognisant of the cultural differences as not to make her uncomfortable, because that happens a lot when we talk. Whether it being about dating where she doesn't get my perspective at all, or cultural phenomena of our respective countries. It's like we don't really understand what the other is saying.

This is a really tough one. I think I would say I didn’t realise it had that your actions had that impact on her. I would probably not worry about how she felt the evening with the partner went though as she sounds a bit like she’s lashing out at you unfairly or she could have interpreted it differently to you (whose to say which of you has the closest interpretation).

If you want to address it I would let some water flow under the bridge first and then go into it after some time has passed. That said, I think it’s always worth accepting feedback and reflecting on it, just make sure you’re not out to balance the scales.

 

[HoGi]

Anyone an expert in tax stuff?
My other half got a demand from HMRC in the post yesterday, saying he's underpaid income tax for the FY 22/23 to the tune of 1k.
We absolutely cannot afford to pay it back in one lump sum like they're asking.
He switched jobs part-way through the financial year (September), and by the looks of it from the breakdown they sent, his new job started his tax free allowance from scratch and didn't tax him until he earnt past the allowance, but obviously he'd already earnt 11k earlier in the year so this shouldn't have happened.
He doesn't have payslips as he got them electronically and never saved them, and as he left that job in May this year, he no longer has access to the system to download them again to check what actually came out.

If they did put him on the wrong tax code, do we still have to pay? I know he should have been more observant but you kind of expect payroll to get this sort of thing right.
I'm just really worrying and don't know what to do

Normally you provide new employer with your P45 from your old job or complete a starter statement (which confirms if it is your first job of the year or not) and that tells the new employer which tax to use. The emergency tax code is 1257L week1/month1 so shouldn't have been backdated to the start of the year so he should only have underpaid for a month or so not several months.

The new employer should have been submitting RTI to HMRC every month so they would be aware he had a new job and should have adjusted his tax code based off the fact he had earnings from elsewhere earlier in the year.

However, ultimately HMRC put the onus on the individual to make sure they pay the right tax. Most payroll departments/companies will be running payrolls for thousands of people. They won't know whether the tax code held is correct or not. They just apply the tax code they are told to use.

HMRC will let him repay monthly so give them a ring.

 

[Tommyb]

My ex annoys me so much. He always has to be ‘extra’ with money and spoiling the kids . It annoys me that he still annoys me. How do I let it go and just care less about his behaviour.

Oh he's a Disney dad!. Grit your teeth .. honestly the kids will see it when they are older. I bet he's making up for a lack of something with them. They will see it in the end I promise.