Courtroom one, Exeter Crown Court
Court clerk: ‘Do you swear to tell the truth...’
Rach: ‘Troll’
Court Clerk ‘Pardon?’
Rach: ‘Why are you asking about the truth? Troll’
Court Clerk: ‘Hmm right. Could you state your full name’
Rach: ‘Part time working mummy or PTWM’
Court Clerk: ‘No the name on your birth certificate.’
Rach: ‘I don’t know, my Mum left me when I was four.’
Court Clerk: ‘Okay then. Just the name you go by.’
Rach: ‘Oh it’s this one, here on my second book, you can have that for a fiver’ (passes clerk the book.)
Court Clerk: ‘Can you state your occupation?’
Rach: ‘Saviour of women’
Court Clerk: ‘No I mean that job that pays you’
Rach: ‘OMG!! Stalker. All my money is none of your business. It’s MY money’
Court Clerk: Ahh. Well just what you consider your job to be’
Rach: (Unlocks phone, opens Instagram and shows the clerk her page.) ‘It’s there. That’s me
’
(Clerk sits down and barrister stands up)
Barrister: ‘Ms Hambleton. Can you tell me what happened on the night of the alleged attack’
Rach: ‘JOOOSH, JOOOSH’ (Josh runs down from public gallery with a bucket. Rachael grabs bucket, begins to try and vomit horrifically so that she doesn’t have to answer. No vomit arrives.)
Barrister: ‘Ms Hambleton?’
Josh: ‘Can you give her a minute, she’s busy. It’s okay the most beautiful woman in my life
’
Rach: ‘You are so FIT. Can’t believe I get to bang you’
Barrister: ‘MS Hambleton. The night in question?’
(Rachaels phone rings.)
Rach: ‘Sorry that was just my best friend and PA Jo.’
Barrister: ‘Is that Josephine Griffiths?’
Rach: ‘NO THE OTHER JO! UGH. DO YOU NOT EVEN FOLLOW ME’
Barrister: ‘Let’s start again. Can you tell me what happened on the night of the 14th of June 2019.’
Rach: ‘Your on Tattle aren’t you? Asking me questions. Can’t you just be kind? If you don’t like me, just forget about me. JOOOSH, he’s a Tattle bastard JOOSH. Get his
IP address (this lie that influencers spread explained here) and we are leaving.’
(Rach uncrosses her legs, squeezes her feet back into her Gucci shoes, smoothes of her flat stomach towards the Gallery and drags Josh out of the courtroom by his cap.)
Barrister: ‘I motion to remove Ms Hambleton from the witness list.’
Jury: ‘
’