As I’m waiting for whatever is happening in the Hamstercage House of Horrors to be disclosed, I thought I’d write a little story to amuse in the meantime.
The Rancido
A chroll took a stroll down Brixham town
A hun saw the chroll, and looked them up and down
“Where are you going to, you monstrous chroll,
Come and eat sandwiches in the Hobbit Hole?”
It’s a horrific offer, hun, so no -
I’m trying to meet up with a Rancido
“A Rancido? What’s a Rancido?”
A Rancido! Why, didn’t you know?
She has terrible shits and they’re awfully stinky,
She shares them with Josh, who we all call Slinky
“Where are you meeting her?”
Here, by these rocks
and her favourite thing is greasy, limp locks.
“Greasy, limp locks?” The hun looked sad
“Goodbye chroll, even I think that’s bad”
Silly old hun! Doesn’t she know,
There are far worse things about the Rancido
On went the chroll down to the harbour
Josh was then, kitted out all in Barbour
“Where are you going to, you monstrous chroll?
Come and watch birds whilst I sign on the dole”
It’s a triggering offer, Joyce, but no
I’m trying to hunt down a Rancido
“A Rancido? What’s a Rancido?”
A Rancido! Why, didn’t you know?
She has lots of money and a lack of taste
And since she hit peri, she’s got no waist
“Where are you meeting her?”
Here by this farm
She’s in the process of causing kids lasting harm
“Lasting harm? No way” Josh scoffed and then said
“I’m the one at risk, I share her bed”
Silly old Josh! Doesn’t he know
He and his kids should flee the Rancido
On went the chroll, who came to the beach
And bumped into Wibble, eating a peach
“Where are you going, you monstrous chroll?
Come and eat firelighters and maybe some coal”
It’s a wow-tastic offer, Wilbs, but no
I’m trying to stalk a Rancido
“A Rancido? What’s a Rancido?”
A Rancido! Why, didn’t you know?
She’s actually your mummy, but you wouldn’t guess
She’s determined to make all her kids’ lives a mess
“Where are you meeting her?”
Here at this pub,
She’ll drive fizzy cat’s piss and eat some posh grub
“Sans kids?” Wibble asked, looking quite glum
“Never mind” he quipped, “I can find a new mum”
Bright little Wilbur, he’s smarter than Jo
He knows how to scare off the Rancid…
OH!
But who is this creature with awful clothes,
Stretched out eyebrows and a squinty nose
She has tiny tits and turned in toes
And is top of the league when it comes to hoes
Her skin is brown, like overcooked beef
Her kids are escaping and so are her teeth
Oh help, oh no
It’s a Rancido
“An actual chroll!” the Rancido said
No, said the Tattler, it’s all in your head
“In my head?” said the Rancido, “that can’t be true
Tattlers are chrolls, especially you
You’re all just jealous and horrifically mean
Of my books and my talent and the way I say seen”
No way! said the Tattler, I’d live in a bin
Before I said seen the way you say “sin”
Your writings deluded, your husband’s a sap
I’d rather watch Ethel taking a crap
Your family is broken, your bills are sky high
You care not a jot and fly to Dubai
Fat tears splash down and the vomiting starts
Not for your babies or their tiny broken hearts
Instead it’s all “myself”, “me” and “I”
The Rancido can always squeeze out a cry
Sort yourself out, the Tattler commanded
Get the Patchwork shitshow fully disbanded
Tend to your kids, house and pets
Stop fibbing about costs and bills from your vets
Come clean about scamming and going on the rob
Delete insta and find a real job
Remove the quiff and wonky smile
Tell the truth and find your own style
The Rancido took a moment, shrugged and replied
“My mum abandoned me when I was four” she loudly cried
“I wanted those trainers, love and big hugs
I didn’t get them, so I turned to hard drugs
Now I live on fresh air and am buying a van
“Why?”, I hear you ask
Well, just because I can!
