Pregnancy #45

[shhh1712]

How would you all say you can set boundaries now before the baby does arrive? I think my husband thinks I’m going to be militant and not let anyone round which isn’t the case however I don’t want people coming round unless invited, and I don’t want them to stay for long I already get annoyed at my mum and MIL saying ‘how’s my boy’. No he’s not your baby he’s mine

 

[Cjh78]

In my experience, as you say, it is completely normal.
I don't really have advice though really because I did exactly the same, throughout the whole of pregnancy.
But you're not alone

Thank you for replying. It’s reassuring to know other people feel the same and I’m not going totally insane!!

 

[Borntorun]

How would you all say you can set boundaries now before the baby does arrive? I think my husband thinks I’m going to be militant and not let anyone round which isn’t the case however I don’t want people coming round unless invited, and I don’t want them to stay for long I already get annoyed at my mum and MIL saying ‘how’s my boy’. No he’s not your baby he’s mine

In my experience
I think make it clear in your mind what your boundaries actually are. Eg if you already know you don’t want to breastfeed, or if you won’t be comfortable for baby to sleep at grandparents for a while. Then when it comes up in conversation you need to tackle it head-on immediately.
For example: you need to avoid a caesarean: “thank you but actually I intend to just follow the recommendations of my medical team”
You must try breastfeeding: “that’s not something I feel comfortable with, I have decided to bottle feed.

If they probe it further I just say “because that’s the decision I have decided to make as a parent but if I want any advice, I’ll ask”

 

[Tifastrife]

How would you all say you can set boundaries now before the baby does arrive? I think my husband thinks I’m going to be militant and not let anyone round which isn’t the case however I don’t want people coming round unless invited, and I don’t want them to stay for long I already get annoyed at my mum and MIL saying ‘how’s my boy’. No he’s not your baby he’s mine

Omg how annoying when people refer to him as “my boy” my mum kept referring to him as “our baby” and it gave me the ick haha. As for setting boundaries, I’d just send a text message to all saying you understand everyone is excited to meet baby and while that’s lovely you want time to recover and bond with him first, so for people to be patient and wait to be asked.

 

[xoxo GG]

Boundary talk

When I had my 3yo, my in laws were on my doorstep when I got home at 8:30pm after being in hospital for days, I was sore, I just wanted to try and establish breastfeeding and relax. But there they were, they then didn’t leave until just before midnight and I had nothing but criticism, put the heating on, she needs a hat, wouldn’t it just be easier to give her a bottle then I can feed her too etc. Her wardrobe was rearranged, because I’d ‘done it wrong.’ Expected drinks to be made for them, because you know, we hadn’t just had a baby or anything. Didn’t hand back baby when she was crying.

This then continued for 5 days until I rang my dad in tears to get them to leave my house because I felt smothered and at that point MrGG just thought it was helpful without realising what it was doing to my mental health. They constantly turned up without invitation, commented on our house being a little untidy (of course it was we’d just brought home a newborn) and the constant comparisons to what they did in their day was absolutely unbearable.

With babyGG we completely cut visitors out from coming to us initially. We went to them (which isn’t for everybody but I had a very quick labour, straightforward birth and I felt absolutely fine to do that) but having said that if I had tore badly again or needed an emergency section, our plan was to invite people when we were all ready as it’s a big transition for a 3yo as well. We just said from the beginning to family members you’ll be welcome to visit for half an hour but we will let you know when that is.

I have to admit I do now more often than not respond quite sarcastically to the comparisons in what we do now to what people did then, normally a little comment like oh yes because science and research hasn’t developed in the 30 years since you last had a newborn etc. I don’t justify my choices to anybody, I just now say that suited baby best and that suits me best. I’m not scared now to go and take my baby away from a family member if he’s crying and they initially don’t offer to hand him over, I just go and take him. It’s hard but I really think it’s so much easier to set those boundaries before baby is here when there’s less emotion involved. This time around I didn’t give a tit if it caused upset, my attitude was you either want to respect what I’m asking or you don’t want to see the baby, either suited me.

 

[disillusionedbythegram]

Hi ladies,
Please could anyone share some advice regarding early pregnancy?
I’m around 6 weeks (I had a miscarriage at this point last October) and I constantly feel “wet” (sorry TMI!!) down below. I’ve read that it’s normal to have an increase in discharge in early weeks but I find myself going to the toilet all the time to check it’s not the sign of another miscarriage!
Any advice greatfully received!

Hi! Sorry about your loss, pregnancy afterwards is definitely a minefield of emotions. I was like this, and found wearing a pad more comfortable and reassuring as I could quickly see the colour when I went to the toilet x

---

Boundary talk

When I had my 3yo, my in laws were on my doorstep when I got home at 8:30pm after being in hospital for days, I was sore, I just wanted to try and establish breastfeeding and relax. But there they were, they then didn’t leave until just before midnight and I had nothing but criticism, put the heating on, she needs a hat, wouldn’t it just be easier to give her a bottle then I can feed her too etc. Her wardrobe was rearranged, because I’d ‘done it wrong.’ Expected drinks to be made for them, because you know, we hadn’t just had a baby or anything. Didn’t hand back baby when she was crying.

This then continued for 5 days until I rang my dad in tears to get them to leave my house because I felt smothered and at that point MrGG just thought it was helpful without realising what it was doing to my mental health. They constantly turned up without invitation, commented on our house being a little untidy (of course it was we’d just brought home a newborn) and the constant comparisons to what they did in their day was absolutely unbearable.

With babyGG we completely cut visitors out from coming to us initially. We went to them (which isn’t for everybody but I had a very quick labour, straightforward birth and I felt absolutely fine to do that) but having said that if I had tore badly again or needed an emergency section, our plan was to invite people when we were all ready as it’s a big transition for a 3yo as well. We just said from the beginning to family members you’ll be welcome to visit for half an hour but we will let you know when that is.

I have to admit I do now more often than not respond quite sarcastically to the comparisons in what we do now to what people did then, normally a little comment like oh yes because science and research hasn’t developed in the 30 years since you last had a newborn etc. I don’t justify my choices to anybody, I just now say that suited baby best and that suits me best. I’m not scared now to go and take my baby away from a family member if he’s crying and they initially don’t offer to hand him over, I just go and take him. It’s hard but I really think it’s so much easier to set those boundaries before baby is here when there’s less emotion involved. This time around I didn’t give a tit if it caused upset, my attitude was you either want to respect what I’m asking or you don’t want to see the baby, either suited me.

That sounds so awful for you, I’m glad you were able to establish the boundaries for baby 2.
Reminds me of when my baby was 3 weeks old and crying, and my MIL told me to leave her as it would make her lungs stronger when I got up and said “yeah I’m going to get her” she said “ooo that manipulation starts young”. Thankfully she’s learnt to stfu after a number of these incidents led to my husband telling her to

 

[shhh1712]

Boundary talk

wow sorry you had to go through this with your in laws the first time round - that sounds Really awful and I’m sure would affect anyone’s mental health!! This time round did you find your partner agreed with you? I think I’m worried I won’t want visitors etc and my husband will be like oh it’s fine it’s just my mum or sister etc. obviously it’s all a bit unknown as you can’t can’t predict what your birth will be like or what might happen if you have to stay in hospital etc. I’ve got GD so I’m imagining I will be in hospital for a day or 2 after the birth anyway

 

[xoxo GG]

wow sorry you had to go through this with your in laws the first time round - that sounds Really awful and I’m sure would affect anyone’s mental health!! This time round did you find your partner agreed with you? I think I’m worried I won’t want visitors etc and my husband will be like oh it’s fine it’s just my mum or sister etc. obviously it’s all a bit unknown as you can’t can’t predict what your birth will be like or what might happen if you have to stay in hospital etc. I’ve got GD so I’m imagining I will be in hospital for a day or 2 after the birth anyway

Yes this time round we were in agreement with everything but a lot has happened with his relationship with his mum in that 3.5yr gap. He and his siblings were very much blind to how toxic her behaviour can be, but I think him being the only one to have fled the nest, had children and got married, he’s not as blind to it anymore. The main issue was I just wanted a happy life so I never used to speak up when her behaviour was upsetting or crossing a line but I don’t shy away from expressing exactly what I think now.

MrGG said the same the first time round because my mum was at the birth, my dad came in for a little peak when he picked my mum up and even though I’d said I was happy to see about his parents visiting the day after, which he relayed on the phone, they just decided to go and sit in their car on my driveway after my husband said we were going to be discharged. It’s absolute insanity when I think back to it

I just said to MrGG that it’s very natural for me to want to be around my own parents and siblings after birth, but it’s very difficult to be in such a vulnerable state around people that I really don’t have much of a relationship with myself, never mind how much of a physical challenge it can feel like

 

[jazziejeff]

I'm feeling all these comments in my soul
I've already has the guilt trip "please consider my feelings" when I said we might want some time to work out how we feel/what we're doing after baby is born.
Those who have other children - how long before you had the world on your doorstep? I can't think of anything worse than having to put on a performance with a newborn when we won't even have a clue what we're doing! Ideally would like a couple of weeks and to be honest I don't even care if it's selfish at this point!

 

[Justmechan23]

Hey - how are you doing now? Are you still feeling low? You know it’s totally normal to feel that way but it’s also something to speak to your health team about because it can also be really well managed x

I’m doing not too bad now. The baby blues lasted about 3 days (around the time my milk was coming in, I think they say there is a link) and everything just seemed so overwhelming. Thankful for my close ones around me, don’t know what I would have done without them. My new challenge is getting used to being sleep deprived. It’s been a real shock to the system as a first time mum. I’ve been told it gets easier though so fingers crossed. I’m taking it one day at a time.

 

[Borntorun]

Those who have other children - how long before you had the world on your doorstep?

First time round, my parents arrived the next day, brought pizza with them, left after about an hour. My in laws came three weeks later (but them coming involves flights etc as they’re abroad)

With my second baby, my dad came the day after, my mum came three days after and the in laws came six weeks after.

I will say - I don’t think it’s how soon after baby is born that makes the difference, I think it’s the length of visit. So for me, I found it best to say can you come at 6 and pick up a takeaway on the way. Then after you’ve eaten, you can say I’m really tired,i want to make a move towards bed. Then visitors are satisfied they’ve seen a new baby, I haven’t had to cook, and the visit was short and sweet. The problem really is visitors that stay hours and hours.

 

[Justmechan23]

I'm feeling all these comments in my soul
I've already has the guilt trip "please consider my feelings" when I said we might want some time to work out how we feel/what we're doing after baby is born.
Those who have other children - how long before you had the world on your doorstep? I can't think of anything worse than having to put on a performance with a newborn when we won't even have a clue what we're doing! Ideally would like a couple of weeks and to be honest I don't even care if it's selfish at this point!

I feel the same, we have our first set of guests coming around next week and I’m kind of nervous even then I’ll be 4 weeks PP at that point. These family members in particular actually got pushed back and wanted to visit this weekend but it is too soon as a first time mum. I understand family/friends are excited to see my baby boy but it’s very overwhelming. The PP period is a lot and I don’t think it gets talked about enough. That with the constant messages asking how motherhood is going is a little much at times. I probably sound ungrateful for people caring but maybe my hormones are still all over the place.

To add these are extended family members. We’ve had visits from immediate family already

 

[TheSilverFox]

I'm feeling all these comments in my soul
I've already has the guilt trip "please consider my feelings" when I said we might want some time to work out how we feel/what we're doing after baby is born.
Those who have other children - how long before you had the world on your doorstep? I can't think of anything worse than having to put on a performance with a newborn when we won't even have a clue what we're doing! Ideally would like a couple of weeks and to be honest I don't even care if it's selfish at this point!

I didn't mind some people coming round in the early days - the ones that asked first and were invited! They were all pretty chill, made their own tea, gave me space (I went upstairs to breastfeed in comfort on my bed etc because it was so sore sitting down!). It was tiring, but nice to show off the baby and have a chat. The uninvited/ones who felt that somehow it was aaaaall about them, demanding, having strops when they didn't get their own way BLEUGH. I was in hospital a week the first time around and a few family members had full on tantrums that they weren't invited to come and visit me... it wasn't like I was having a rest ffs just laid up waiting for visitors! There were reasons we both needed to stay in and I had a premature newborn to look after My husband actually shielded me from their ridiculous behaviour so I had no idea at the time! Didn't even cross my mind to invite them to the hospital, I couldn't have imagined anything worse!!

Be as selfish as you like, it's tiring bringing a new baby home and I for one felt like I'd been trampled by a herd of wild animals as well If you can cope and have stroppy family members who might kick off, you could always try to get your partner to get them round for an hour (at a time that suits you) then kick them the hell out again

 

[disillusionedbythegram]

Those who have other children - how long before you had the world on your doorstep? I can't think of anything worse than having to put on a performance with a newborn when we won't even have a clue what we're doing! Ideally would like a couple of weeks and to be honest I don't even care if it's selfish at this point!

I spent around a week after birth in hospital, which felt awful at the time but looking at some of these stories I actually think there was a blessing in disguise there as everyone apart from my husband was limited to 2 hour visits, twice per day, and only 2 people at a time. So it was a fine balance between who could come on which days because of work commitments and so on, plus I was spending 20 hours a day alone so was often quite pleased of the distraction. There was also no pressure to entertain because what am I meant to do
We’ve already said with this baby that my daughter will meet them first, knowing my parents they will be round soon after but to be honest they’ve been nothing short of wonderful and I know I don’t have to put anything on for them. They will come in and do laundry, make dinners etc. and the in laws aren’t as bad as they used to be plus we live further away so I don’t think they’ll be on our doorstep somehow.

Agree with all the previous comments made though, decide on your boundaries now, and clearly communicate them to your partner. Then tell everyone what they are and leave it at that. You can always backtrack once baby is here, but it’s harder to put in place a firm boundary after it’s already been broken in your mind

 

[Ro98]

Hi ladies,
Please could anyone share some advice regarding early pregnancy?
I’m around 6 weeks (I had a miscarriage at this point last October) and I constantly feel “wet” (sorry TMI!!) down below. I’ve read that it’s normal to have an increase in discharge in early weeks but I find myself going to the toilet all the time to check it’s not the sign of another miscarriage!
Any advice greatfully received!

I second wearing a liner as then you can see the exact colour quickly & it will reassure you a little bit. I had this wetness (and still do at 28wks) and it’s the same night and day. The liners help me to quickly glance at it and feel a bit of relief. It can be so worrying in those early days but totally normal in my experience x

 

[Cjh78]

I second wearing a liner as then you can see the exact colour quickly & it will reassure you a little bit. I had this wetness (and still do at 28wks) and it’s the same night and day. The liners help me to quickly glance at it and feel a bit of relief. It can be so worrying in those early days but totally normal in my experience x

Thank you ladies, that’s a really good tip!
Pregnancy after loss is definitely an emotional rollercoaster!

 

[Jellybean093]

I'm feeling all these comments in my soul
I've already has the guilt trip "please consider my feelings" when I said we might want some time to work out how we feel/what we're doing after baby is born.
Those who have other children - how long before you had the world on your doorstep? I can't think of anything worse than having to put on a performance with a newborn when we won't even have a clue what we're doing! Ideally would like a couple of weeks and to be honest I don't even care if it's selfish at this point!

My youngest was born Christmas Eve, and I had EVERYONE round at different points Christmas Day.
With my eldest, I was in hospital for 5 days. Everyone visited in hospital.
My 6yo all my family came the same day he was born (he was born just after midnight and I was allowed home @ lunch)
My 3yo same as my 6yo

So, yer. My family have never let me have a minute to myself when having babies

Also, my in-laws with the last 3 kids have been the most respectful, and said they will visit a few days after birth because they know what my mum is like x

 

[Daisydunn15]

I'm feeling all these comments in my soul
I've already has the guilt trip "please consider my feelings" when I said we might want some time to work out how we feel/what we're doing after baby is born.
Those who have other children - how long before you had the world on your doorstep? I can't think of anything worse than having to put on a performance with a newborn when we won't even have a clue what we're doing! Ideally would like a couple of weeks and to be honest I don't even care if it's selfish at this point!

We didn't see anyone for ages, there was weirdly a bit of a covid outbreak in the summer and lots of people who would have visited couldn't, and the ones thst could just came, held baby for 30 mins then left. I was healing from a tit birth, struggling with feeding, my husband was doing everything and tbh it would have been really lovely to have an extra pair of hands here and there to help us out with the dog walks or washing up or cooking. On the other hand my friend has a 10wk old and hasn't had a single day since he was born that they've been free of visitors, and its really getting her down cos she always feels she has to be switched on to smile and entertain and hand over the baby.
So it's a tricky one, I'd have loved a bit more support, it was really isolating. I'd say if people are going to be helpful and are coming for you as much as baby then it's great to have them over in the early days, cos they tend to be the people who won't be offended if you ask to leave or who would respect your boundaries in the house. The people who want to come, hold baby, take pictures and expect a cuppa to be made.. I'd make them wait possibly for 2-3yr

 

[Tired of this crap]

I think having a conversation with your partner ahead of time helps with the boundary thing. If you end up staying in hospital at all your partner is often the one who can field the calls and messages from people/tell them you’re not ready to have visitors. I find it easier for my husband to say ‘she’s not feeling up to it’ rather than say it to people myself!

My MIL wanted to do a three hour round trip to visit the hospital for ‘ten mins’ when my eldest was born it actually makes me laugh at how ridiculous that suggestion was because my first baby was a little early and got taken to NICU and I’d had forceps etc… neither of us was in any state to have a visit from interfering granny! My MIL ended up not being too overbearing in the end and I think my husband being firm had a lot to do with it.

I really don’t understand why people are in such a rush to meet babies. I think it’s a status thing so they can boast on Facebook to their friends ‘oh yes I held her THE MINUTE SHE WAS BORN!!’ I’m never interested in newborn babies, they don’t exactly do much

 

[Ro98]

I really don’t understand why people are in such a rush to meet babies. I think it’s a status thing so they can boast on Facebook to their friends ‘oh yes I held her THE MINUTE SHE WAS BORN!!’ I’m never interested in newborn babies, they don’t exactly do much

100%! I had a friend say she “wasn’t waiting a week” to meet him and wants to meet him as soon as we’re home No bleeping chance
I plan on waiting a day/2 before telling friends & some family that he’s arrived just so I’m not bombarded with calls / requests to visit.

I can’t imagine wanting people in my space and hogging baby when trying to establish breastfeeding, bond and recover. I want to hide myself away from everyone with my partner and soak up those first few weeks, flying visits for a quick cuddle or to see him are fine after a week but no way do I want people staying all day holding him.