New baby / post birth advice

[Definitelyme]

Ah ladies, don’t you know EVERYTHING has to be a competition with motherhood?! If you’re not whining, you’re not doing it right

It’s sad, I think, that women see it almost as a badge of honour to complain about having a baby or kids. Now, I don’t mean people who are genuinely struggling, who really are having a shit time (hello my eldest son.. that was a horrendous time for me) and really need support. I mean the mums who just complain because of going one better, almost thinking it’s cool to moan about your kids.

Screw it. If you’re loving every second and having a great experience that is AMAZING and it should be celebrated. My last two have both been little dreams, and it’s fab!

As @WhatABore said, I’ve never been in that place of not having time to shower, or haven’t been able to wash my hair for a week or whatever, even with the hard times with baby 2. But some mums just see it all as a badge of honour “oh I haven’t washed washed my hair in 3 days” “oh you’re lucky, it’s been 6 months since I have…”

 

[Theninth]

Hi everyone coming over here from the pregnancy threads as I just had my baby on Saturday She is my second and we have been doing well since the birth, but I have been feeling such mum guilt for my 3 yr old daughter she loves her new baby sister and hasn’t shown any jealousy towards her but I can’t shake that guilt feeling and it’s getting me a bit down! Can anyone else relate thats went from 1 to 2, is this normal post birth hormones?

I had this so bad when I went from 1 to 2. I had my third baby on Thursday just gone and out of all of the transitions I definitely found going from 1 to 2 the hardest. It was when I had to learn to divide my attention with my eldest where as before I could give her my all. Then also the guilt of feeling that my second child would never be able to have the same time and attention that I had been able to give my eldest. It was tough. My eldest daughter loved her new baby sister but did go through a phase of being angry with me but, we got through it. I learnt to try and manage the juggle of having more than one child and as my 2nd child grew the two of them started to play together more and it became easier.
Though I still sometimes think back to that time and now feel guilt for how I felt at the time which I know is crazy
I also had a slightly problematic pregnancy with my second and a traumatic birth so I was dealing with the recovery from that which added to my struggle.

I'm not sure if this helps at all but when I read your post I absolutely related, it's exactly how I felt two years ago.
Having just had my third it has been the sweetest experience seeing my two big girls interacting with the baby and watching them be a big sister team together has been so sweet and funny. Your little ones will be best friends before you know it and you will have your unique relationship with your new baby just like you have with your elder child

 

[Definitelyme]

I know sometimes the fussiness and periods of PURPLE crying can seem to last forever, but I promise they don’t. And as said above, there isn’t always a reason for babies being unsettled.
And I promise, for any FTM, it all passes quickly. They don’t stay fussy forever (despite how it may feel at the time!)

 

[Esme]

I definitely agree with the keeping visitors at bay. Lockdown or no lockdown, it’s so important. I did a breastfeeding workshop and the lady who ran it talked about the importance of not getting overwhelmed with visitors and taking the time to recover and establish feeding with baby. There were mums there who had had people just turning up with the first just remember you don’t have to answer the door and also your partner could just say you and baby are asleep and they’ll contact you with a better time. You have to be firm and people have to respect that you need time and space to recover.

I had a very difficult birth and an episiotomy that resulted in 3 cuts. I could barely walk, had to be helped to sit and get off the sofa. I couldn’t get into bed for a few days so we slept on our sofa. My stitches were just so painful and uncomfortable.

Luckily anyone wanting to visit were understanding and waited for an invite and we’d just say it was for an hour and picked a time so they’d have to leave just before dinner or a midwife visit. The only time we went over was my husband parents visited on the hottest day ever (34 degrees ). We asked them to come an hour before our midwife was due. The midwife was really late and they stayed. As it was so hot and I was feeding, I should have drank so much but I forgot and then ended up feeling awful later that day with dehydration.

@Heybooboo I’m so sorry! That sounds awful and I can totally relate to how distressing that must have been. I can’t believe they made you sit on the floor I could barely sit on my sofa so there’s no way I’d have been able to get onto the floor. I remember when my uncle visited my daughter would get uncomfortable with wind and it was better to hold her upright. He held her laying down and she was whimpering and my mum asked him to put her more upright but he ignored her. So my mum went over and readjusted her and he told her she was interfering. My mum was only there as she knew they’d be overbearing and overstay their welcome.

Then when we did a huge 30th party for my husband, I’d been in a really dark place with breastfeeding (baby had a tongue tie, health visitors had hounded me every day about her weight, saying they wanted to support breastfeeding while trying to force me onto a prescription high calorie formula, my daughter wouldn’t take a bottle so I couldn’t even supplement with normal formula, they tried to get us admitted to hospital for failure to thrive but no GP ever agreed to it which they blamed me for, which led to them on some witch hunt against me, until finally I got given the contact details for my local infant feeding coordinator from someone at a volunteer breastfeeding group, the coordinator found the TT and I went private to have it cut and it saved our BF journey) so my mental health was in tatters. I’d still had the health visitors breathing down my neck and I was feeling very vulnerable. My uncle kept making comments all night at the party to everyone about my mum holding my daughter. This was around the time coronavirus was surfacing, although nobody knew what it was, we agreed our baby wouldn’t be passed around at the party to avoid germs and to make it easier to feed on demand, only me my husband and my mum would hold her because we knew her feeding cues. She was feeding a lot because we’d been set back on our breastfeeding journey. Most people understood except my uncle. Kept telling people my daughter was mollycoddled and my mum was controlling etc. All the while not even bothering to ask if we were ok or why we were being careful or why it was important I fed my daughter on demand (he even said she was a bit old to feed at 4 months old ). As the night went on, she got irritable as she’d missed her afternoon nap as my uncle and his family were meant to help us decorate but didn’t turn up. So we did it all alone, then literally had 10 minutes to get ready for a fancy dress party and when I kept trying to find quieter places to feed her and settle her, perhaps have a nap, I ended up outside in my car. Silly me, sat with the engine on, the heater and radio. The battery died and my uncles house was nearby so he sent his wife to get jump leads for me. Made sure to open the door and tell me I was making a rod for my own back and my daughter just needed to get used to noise and parties. Didn’t ask if I needed anything like a drink.

A lot of people don’t understand baby behaviour and there’s too many “experts” out there. I’ve always followed my daughter and let her lead the way. I’ve researched everything like weaning so I know I’m doing what is right for now, not what people did in the 80s. Mothers instinct is very powerful and being baby led has always worked for us it’s your baby and your decisions at the end of the day

 

[moimoi]

Kicked partner out of bed last night to the sofa, it was so hot. Baby and me shared the bed and had the best night sleep since he was born!

How do I convince him to permanently stay on the sofa?

 

[StrawberryCream]

I weighed myself for the first time since pre pregnancy this morning and Iv gained 3 and a half stone (oops) thankfully im not going to any weddings or on any holidays this year! I’ll give myself a year to lose it as my will power is not the best

 

[WhatABore]

Hey, so I am 10 weeks pp and have just finished bleeding - I saw you say you had an infection, did you have any other symptoms other than bleeding? This is the longest I’ve ever had pp bleeding for (4 kids) so it does worry me a bit!

I breastfed all mine, with my first my period came back at 9 months and it just went straight back to normal, same with the others (at 20 and 17 months), so I would say if yours returned at 11 months that may well be it now.



I’ve spoken to, and heard of, people who get pregnant again like 4 weeks after birth. My question is always wtf were they doing having unprotected sex at 4 weeks pp?! Like you say, not the smartest infection control. Plus how did they have the time/energy/desire?!
Not having a go at anyone who has btw, I just genuinely don’t understand how anyone does that

Haha right?
Who is there with a 4 week old thinking you know what? I want another. I love this lack of sleep and emotional mess
Again, no offence to anyone who has. Each to their own

 

[littlepup]

I’m 7 weeks pp I had a 4th degree tear and it doesn’t hurt anymore down there but still in lots of pain when I go for a poo (sorry tmi) I’ve not managed to go yet without ending up crying. I stopped bleeding last week finally and now my husbands pestering me for sex. I just don’t feel ready I don’t know what to do, he was stroking me through my knickers the other night while I slept. Which really pissed me off, the baby has me up between 2-5am every night without fail and wake ups before the last thing I need when I’m asleep is him waking me. Any advice to tell him to back off without pissing him off?

Just tell him to back off. You’ve just pushed a baby out of your body which has torn you vag to butthole and he’s pestering you for sex in your sleep???!?? Tough shit if he gets pissed off, He needs to grow up is that’s the case!
This isn’t the 50s, you’re not obligated.

I’m 4 months pp and still don’t fancy sex particularly. Between having a baby hanging off my boobs or just on me near constantly, caring for her around the clock while still running the house and still suffering from pregnancy constipation I’m just not up for it. It’s shit for both of us but I’m not worried about ‘pissing him off’ and if he touched me in my sleep when he knew I didn’t want it he’d be out.

 

[Definitelyme]

Thank you so so much
I called mat assessment and the midwife checked me over at home the next day, she said there's no sign of infection and just need to leave it to heal over. She's told me to look out for the signs of infection but it appears to be getting better which is a huge relief!!

Thank you honestly so much, I really needed that. I just find it difficult to talk to my partner at times because he doesn't fully understand and never will know what it's like to so to speak to yous and knowing people are there is always such a big help.
He doesn't nap during the day but is usually asleep by 7.30pm, I think ill start going to bed the same time just to get that little bit extra sleep! No point pottering around the house trying to do wee things when it'll end up messy anyway and just tire myself out haha! Xxx

I cried the other day for honestly no reason at all. And I feel embarrassed when my husband sees that, because I know he doesn’t understand that it’s hormones going a bit haywire (I don’t really understand the whole thing either!)

Men just don’t have so much to deal with after birth. Yes they have the new addition, but in our house (and I’d imagine most others!) it’s me does 95% of the newborn care, as well as dealing with all of the crap happening to my body, and the lack of sleep.

Definitely go to bed nice and early a few nights. Last night I lay down when the kids were going to bed and I didn’t get up again. Just lay in bed with the baby, and with the iPad, my husband delivered snacks up, and I didn’t move again all evening. Even just that down time when I wasn’t sleeping made me feel better. Cosying up in bed is always good!

 

[Hbirdette]

Oh, don’t mind me. Just crying cause my 7wk old is so long his toes are popping out his 0-3 month sleepsuit .

(I’m not crying really, but seriously?! )

Sending love to those who aren’t having the easiest of days, reaching out for help is one of the best things you can do. Also, hello to anyone on night feeds atm, tattle has been my saviour!

 

[OIM]

Hi everyone, I’ve been lurking on this thread. My little one is almost 12 weeks. Time has gone so quickly!
I kind of need some advice or some tips, I’m a first time mother, I part own a business and have stepped back to enjoy motherhood-of which I really am! Husband who is very supportive.
However I feel as though I’ve completely lost my identity and confidence in different ways. Does or did anyone else feel this way?!

Honestly I definitely felt like this and am sorry to say probably felt like it until my daughter was aboht 2.5 and I felt I could go out and not worry etc. I was just starting to feel like myself then got pregnant again back to feeling like the only person I am is mum.

 

[WhatABore]

Is it trampy if the health visitor comes this morning and I’m still in my pyjamas? Asking for a friend

I had no choice the other day. I kept my bottom half pajamas on and just changed my top because it was a video call. Sat waiting in the virtual 'waiting room' and there was a knock at the door!
House was a mess, me half dressed, daughter was half dressed, toys everywhere

 

[Definitelyme]

Yes I was the biggest I’d ever been before getting pregnant this time, and at the end of pregnancy I was another 3 stone heavier again. It will take a while to drop down, but I’ve optimistically ordered myself a few new bits today as I was ordering stuff for the kids. Luckily I don’t like tight clothe so I’m hoping I can squeeze in to some thing in the next month or so my sister just told me she is pregnant () and needs the maternity clothes back ASAP so I’m on a tight schedule to fit back in my own things!

 

[Octopies]

Due in 3 weeks but being induced in 2.
Already had the in laws texting saying they are making sure they get their vaccine in time for baby’s arrival so that they can be on hand for babysitting. Not sure they understand that vaccine or no vaccine I don’t want visitors! I already know they are going to be a nightmare. I haven’t told them I’m being induced or when because we made the mistake of telling my MIL when we had some (routine) scans and she rang us even whilst we were still in the hospital wanting to know what had happened I know she means well but she is far too involved.

Anyway not trying to rant just saying how refreshing it is to read from others how beneficial it can be to not have visitors for a short while. I’ve had a few people try and guilt trip me about it already.

 

[Definitelyme]

I’m having an elective C section in 5 weeks time. I’m more concerned about the after op, will I be able to look after my baby if I’m still recovering? It worries me il be in too much pain to do a lot for him

Do you mean in hospital? The first twelve hours you will probably have your catheter in, which makes things a bit tricky but midwives will be happy to help you out (or should be!) But even then I never had a problem sorting baby. And after that 12 hours as others have said keep on top of your pain relief and you will be absolutely fine to look after him. They are so tiny that lifting them isn’t an issue to cause pain. When home, just be cautious and don’t push yourself, make sure you have everything close at hand and go slow and steady in those first days. But I can honestly say I didn’t have any issues at all after my section (and I had two older kids as well) x

 

[Hairraiser]

Hi ladies

My baby boy is 4 months old, he was born 5 weeks early and I weighed him today and he is only 11lb 4oz.
I’m worried he’s not putting enough weight on for his age!
He rarely finishes his feeds, we make up 180ml but he often leaves about 50-60mls in the bottle and he’s asleep
What would you recommend I do? Take him to the doctors ? Or wake him up to continue his feed? It’s so hard cause he’s just such a chilled baby I don’t want to distress him.


My pregnancy and birth were horrendous, to the point I am having therapy for PTSD. Both me and my son nearly died in the process of the birth and I missed his first 48 hours as I was in ICU recovering. I didn’t have skin to skin as I was asleep and my husband wasn’t allowed in the operating theatre as I had a C-section under general anaesthesia!
Because of my pregnancy & birth being so bad I really want to be pregnant again so I can have a 2nd chance to do it right..my boy was conceived by IVF because I am infertile so the chances of this happening are very very very slim. I couldn’t afford to pay for a round of IVF, this round was funded by the NHS.
I feel like I was completely robbed of the beautiful experience of creating a baby, carrying a baby and the birth. I just feel like I want to do it again cause I loved the newborn stage, my boy is getting so big now and is changing everyday, he is my little miracle baby but I just feel like I haven’t got as big of a bond with him as much if I had had a ‘normal’ birth.
.
Hope this makes some sort of sense, it’s nice to get it off my chest.
I have contacted the birth trauma association & birth reflections at my local hospital today for some help, I think i am ready to reach out for help now and talk about what happened and how I’m feeling…

 

[moimoi]

Tomorrow I’m booked in for a mother and baby group, I’m bricking it. The breastfeeding support nurse pretty much forced me to join one last week at his weigh in as I had a wobble and think she just wants me to get out of the house.

I’m the most socially awkward person at the best of times nevermind stressing with a 6 week old baby. Worried that it’s just gonna parents of older children, any meltdowns (Went to the Coop a few days ago and he cried the place down, my anxiety hit another level) and that I’m probably gonna have to breastfeed him there.

 

[Stimpii]

Glad for this thread.

am meant to be getting induced in a few weeks, but have heard horror stories from my 2 friends about how they weren’t given any pain relief (not even gas and air) till delivery room!

can anyone shed light on their induction experience?

i have already had one baby, was meant to get induced with her but she came early and it all happened so quickly so laboured at home and was ready to push by the time i got to hospital, managed to have gas and air at the end!

If I went into natural labour i think i’d be more relaxed but have heard how Intense it is with induction and think I’ll definitely need something earlier in that case.

more worried about labour this time around tbh because I know what’s in store

I was induced in January. I was terrified as had read so many horror stories.

Mine was all positive tho and was a really quick induction (I didn’t even make it to the labour ward). The only negative was that my partner missed the birth due to how fast it was.

My contractions with my 2nd baby (natural labour) were way more intense than my induced contractions. But I know it’s different for everyone.

 

[Heybooboo]

2 days pp baby number 2 and it was a bad delivery I cried in the shower last night because I wanted and do still want another but actually don’t think I can go through labour again.

 

[OIM]

6 weeks in and I’m at the stage where I totally hate my husband. I mainly hate that he has any time in the day where he doesn’t feel crushed by the responsibility of two children and a house to run. I’ve decided to bring baby and go to bed at 6 when the toddler went to bed just so I don’t have to sit in a room with him.
my toddler is really struggling with the adjustment of having a sibling and I feel like I spend my whole life refereeing between her and my husband.
lockdown doesn’t help as I just feel totally trapped with him.