New baby / post birth advice

[Theninth]

Hi everyone, I’ve been lurking on this thread. My little one is almost 12 weeks. Time has gone so quickly!
I kind of need some advice or some tips, I’m a first time mother, I part own a business and have stepped back to enjoy motherhood-of which I really am! Husband who is very supportive.
However I feel as though I’ve completely lost my identity and confidence in different ways. Does or did anyone else feel this way?!

Hi,
while I completely understand and felt the same after my first i just want to put another perspective on it because I've noticed a few people saying that they can't wait to be more than "just a mum" again.
Before having my first baby my work was my life, my husband and I ran a business together and my best friends worked within the business so when I left to have our baby I felt like I didn't see my husband half as much anymore, my friends were all in a different stage of life so I didn't see them, I had no friends having babies at the same time so no one to turn to like that, no projects to work on. I used to go to a hot yoga class three times a week, that stopped, everything changed. I felt so isolated. Still, I ended up not going back to work and realised that there is a lot to be said for being "just a mum".
While I'm not advocating that you quit work and be a stay at home mum, it's not for everyone, what I want to say is please know that this phase of yours and your babies life is transient. Your role as "mum" is new and takes time to get used to. It's changed your life dynamic but it's more important than any other role that you will play in life. It's the title that you will carry with you now, passed work retirement life, until your dying day. One day your baby will grow up and find independence and you will so miss these baby days So ry to take each day as it comes remember that you're still you but a new you, the most important person in the world to your little one and that can take time to adapt to. You will face challenges it will seem daunting, people will always have their opinions on which ever way you decide to parent so you need to find confidence in your new role like anything else.
Enjoy your time off with your baby. Take too many pictures. This time will fly by, the cheesey clichés are so true they're not babies for long

 

[Sally1993]

My advice would be to watch your moods! I watched out for mine after baby #1 and was convinced I was mentally fine after the first 3 months. As time went on I was SO emotional, crying over every little thing, angry over every little thing.. at 1 year postpartum it all came to a head when I was suicidal and I was diagnosed with moderate postpartum depression and it suddenly all made sense.

Second time around, I’m not half as emotional over milestones, etc. It all makes sense now I can look back and compare both pregnancies/births.

 

[Tui]

God mine was the same. Had to rush to hopsital one day as I bled so much out of the blue and then within 2 days it had stopped again. Still not confident it’s fully stopped!


One of the midwives said something to me after my first c section that stuck with me - if you’d had that kind of surgery for anything else you’d be on a morphine drip and bed rest but for a c section you’re given over the counter pain relief and a baby to look after so go easy on yourself.
Rest as much as possible and don’t try and be super mum. You’ve just had major surgery and the only thing that really matters is recovering and your baby x

The midwife is right and yet this is a cultural problem within maternity units where women are expected to make do with inadequate pain relief purely because it is childbirth related and suffering is expected. There’s no reason why women should have to make do with OTC pain relief yet that is what many are given (or told to get themselves).
Dihydrocodeine is safe in breastfeeding as well if that is applicable so if you feel like ibuprofen and paracetamol aren’t cutting it then do ask for something better than this as it is unacceptable to leave women in pain the way some units do (not all but some)

 

[Hbirdette]

Due in 3 weeks but being induced in 2.
Already had the in laws texting saying they are making sure they get their vaccine in time for baby’s arrival so that they can be on hand for babysitting. Not sure they understand that vaccine or no vaccine I don’t want visitors! I already know they are going to be a nightmare. I haven’t told them I’m being induced or when because we made the mistake of telling my MIL when we had some (routine) scans and she rang us even whilst we were still in the hospital wanting to know what had happened I know she means well but she is far too involved.

Anyway not trying to rant just saying how refreshing it is to read from others how beneficial it can be to not have visitors for a short while. I’ve had a few people try and guilt trip me about it already.

Oh god I feel your pain, I’m also due in 3 weeks and today my MIL announced that she has booked the first 2 weeks of April off. My response was “why?” Blunt and straight to the point
This is our first baby & covid or not, I want to adapt to having our baby at home with just my husband and I!
good luck

 

[Bobbleowl90]

Get lots of lavender oil if you are having a vaginal birth. This was an absolute godsend for me. I soaked my pads in it and put it in my baths and it really helped.

The only other advice is to not have any visitors you don’t want! I didn’t dare say no to anybody with my first baby in case I looked rude, but I really struggled to breastfeed and I remember sitting upstairs really struggling and being paranoid I had visitors downstairs waiting to meet the baby. In hindsight I wish I told them to just leave and let me concentrate on feeding my baby. It’s definitely something I’d do with my next.

 

[Hbirdette]

So i may not word this correctly and I really don’t want to offend anyone so apologies if it comes across as uncaring or Insensitive

But does anyone else think its like a taboo subject to say you are enjoying the baby stage and you have a great chilled baby and it’s actually not that hard for you?

I know i’m VERY lucky that my baby seems very good and chilled (i know from experience that it won’t always be like this) but i am currently loving this stage with my baby

I feel i can’t say this out loud though as you always get the what about isms from others who are struggling and I know it can be hard, i’ve been there and i’m not diminishing anyone else’s experience, i’m just talking about my own

Recently seens husbands friends and their wives who have had babies and they asked me how i’m getting on and I said yeh really good atm and got some dodgey looks cause i wasn’t at breaking point

Then one of the girls that night put a story on instagram about how hard motherhood is and people need to be more sensitive to others and what they are going through in their journey

I literally said its going really well ATM but it was tough at first cause of reflux issues and lack of sleep is hard but also used to that as eldest has constant sleep regressions, but apparently because im finding it easy atm, i was the enemy.

Could have written this myself! I’m totally the same.. also had a very straightforward birth and I’ve had some really shitty comments about that lol.
when people ask me how baby is and I say he’s chilled out their response is “it won’t last forever” alright babe calm down I never said it would lol

 

[Tui]

So happy to see you again, @Tui. Sounds like an emotional 4 weeks for you. How are you feeling now? And how is baby Tui doing?

He’s good thanks! We had our first definite social smile yesterday which was lovely. He hasn’t done it since I’m alright, feeling tons better than I did. Had a pretty gruelling birth experience that I don’t really feel all that positive about (at least everything up until the spinal went in for my c section was negative! The spinal was blissful). But feeling loads more like myself and after some initial problems with feeding I feel like we are finding our way.

the last 4 weeks have given me a new respect for my body and for women in general!

 

[mg89]

Using the toilet wearing baby in a carrier - yay or nay? Not gonna lie, I’ve already done it

I've done this sooo many times. Felt like a new low doing a number 2 like that though - gross I know.
This morning my 5 month old kept bursting into tears anytime I left the living room to go to the toilet, so he ended up lying on the bath mat watching me go to the toilet. Apparently far more entertaining than a jumperoo or the toys he has.

 

[Definitelyme]

I was in the toilet yesterday, baby in the sling starting to fuss, 2.5yo in the other room eating a snack and talking incessantly at me “what are you doing? A wee or a poo? Have you finished? Where’s the baby? What are you doing?” And repeat.

My husband goes to the toilet and has 10 minutes of peace

 

[littlepup]

Nothing fucks me off more than other mums smugly & gleefully saying ‘just you wait….’ Like they’re revelling in my naivety. None of the ‘just you waits’ have happened yet and while I fully understand there will be hard times, let me enjoy my ‘easy’ baby without constantly waiting and watching for some terrible next stage. It’s honestly like a competition over who has it the worst.

Regarding family not really being interested… my cousin is a crypto millionaire. In the recent high they cashed out £10m, got 2 properties and two cars at £150k each. They didn’t bother to visit to meet the baby or even send flowers but managed bring the new car round to show it off. When I Wasn’t interested I was accused of being jealous. I honestly DGAF, I’m really happy for them, I love that they are successful, but send some fucking flowers at least!!

 

[Definitelyme]

Caring mother that I am, if they scream I just tell them “you’d be screaming a lot louder if you got polio”

 

[MakeDamnSure]

The thing I think most people should be aware of when they have a c-section, as I wasn’t aware of this at all is that you may have to inject yourself with blood thinners for 10 days afterwards and you might have to wear compression stockings for a while after as well. I’m very squeamish so my partner did the injections for me. I had an emergency c-section but it was still very calm. I was very well looked after. At hospital they encourage you to get up and walk around after about 12 hours. I’ve had a vaginal birth and a c-section and although I was sore after the c-section it was never unmanageable and at least it didn’t sting everytime I went to the toilet!

 

[Heybooboo]

I just wanted to say reading these posts is making it much less scary and more normal.

not that I don’t think a c section is a normal birth just wasn’t what I had planned

 

[Heybooboo]

No one has said it’s bad thing to want to be someone else other than Mum it’s also not a bad thing that all you want to be is Mum. Everyone’s different we should just support each other.
personally I’m just Mum and one day I’ll be something else again, I’m happy and that’s all that matters not what other people think about that

on a different note this mum had spent the last 2 hours crying as I’ve been up feeding since midnight my nipples are now so painful I don’t want baby anywhere near them I just want sleep, it’s been like this for a week and I know it’s normal but with a toddler too look after I’m really running on empty. I can’t see an end to the tiredness yet rationally I know it does end!

 

[Hbirdette]

I don’t really have a routine tbh, she only has a bedtime routine but I don’t put pressure on myself either to have one everyday as they are so unpredictable, I just go with the flow and whatever happens that day happens

Yeah I know what you mean, I think I’m just unsure what to do with him when he’s asleep at 5pm, if he’s tired, he’s tired! I’ve just fed him again, he woke up a bit but I read a book to him and he’s pretty much asleep again now. I’m hiding upstairs so I can avoid making dinner and putting the washing on.
Does anyone else feel like a bloody housekeeper at the minute? I know my husband is at work all day but he’s become allergic to lifting a finger at the moment

 

[Lulu Goss]

Thanks for all the Moses basket advice! Managed to pick one up in the sale on Claire de lune for £50 instead of £75

 

[WhatABore]

Hey I wasn't sure whether to make a separate thread or just post in here! Someone close to me is due in a couple of months (her first) and I'd love to get her some thoughtful gifts nearer the time.

What have you got that you loved or what do you wish someone got for you? Do you prefer practical gifts or more pampering ones? I don't have kids myself so need all the help I can get! Thank you!

A friend got me a bunch of bath bombs, face masks, and some chocolate ect and it was the most thoughtful gift, it's very rare someone thinks of the Mum, everyone buys for the baby so it meant a lot

 

[Definitelyme]

I’m 7 weeks pp I had a 4th degree tear and it doesn’t hurt anymore down there but still in lots of pain when I go for a poo (sorry tmi) I’ve not managed to go yet without ending up crying. I stopped bleeding last week finally and now my husbands pestering me for sex. I just don’t feel ready I don’t know what to do, he was stroking me through my knickers the other night while I slept. Which really pissed me off, the baby has me up between 2-5am every night without fail and wake ups before the last thing I need when I’m asleep is him waking me. Any advice to tell him to back off without pissing him off?

Oh my gosh, you poor thing, a 4th degree tear I had a 3B and that was horrendous, so you must be in agony. Have you been referred for follow ups for it?

Re your husband. I would just tell him straight “No.” If he wants to discuss it further, then lay it out straight for him - you’re knackered, you’re sore, you are NOT in the mood. There isn’t any discussion about it really, or there shouldn’t be. You aren’t ready. No is no. The fact he was touching you while you were asleep actually concerns me quite a lot, that is really not on at all (to put it mildly).

 

[Hairraiser]

Reading posts about those of you who are keeping hold of your baby stuff makes me happy for you all but sad for myself. A few on here may know that my little boy was conceived via NHS funded IVF. I’m only entitled to one round so we won’t be having another baby.
I am so infertile that there’s more chance of pigs flying to the moon than having a baby naturally

I sold his Moses basket & lots of other baby stuff that he’s grown out of and the lady buying them asked me ‘are you not planning on having another one then?’ Because she was a stranger I just said ‘no unfortunately not’
Deep down I wanted to say ‘mind your own business, just give me your money and get out’

I did have a little cry after at the realisation of my situation

my boy is 4 months old and I have absolutely loved every minute of it, even the sleepless nights
But I do worry that he will struggle having no siblings, but I do try and tell myself that he won’t know any different so it shouldn’t affect him too much
I had an older brother and he always looked after me, he still does, and over the years we’ve made some amazing memories with all of our family. We have such a close bond too.

anyway, not really sure of the point to this post but I guess it’s just niggling away at the back of my mind. Sorry if I’ve brought the threads mood down

 

[Ilando]

Just wanted to jump on and go back to the mention a few pages ago about no visitors....
I am 32 weeks FTM and my midwife said the other day to me that I’ll find everyone will come out the woodwork when baby is born. And it’s okay to say no!

Which made me feel at ease. Because it’s so true! I’ve been really unwell in this pregnancy and regardless of covid or not, hardly no one has been there for me! Mates have just faded out. When they found out I was pregnant I had all the “I can wait to be the fun auntie friend” etc etc.... then I don’t hear from them all 9 months!!

I have got to be strong when baby arrives because I’m expecting everyone to all of a sudden want to barge into my home to kiss my baby and see baby and I’ll be thinking “don’t think so! where were you when I’ve been ill the last 9 months”.

we’ve got this ladies Be strong and let’s enjoy our newborn bubbles x

Agree completely. I’m due my first in august and there will be no visitors other than grandparents for at least the first two weeks. I’ve already told the extended family this and it’s their problem if they don’t like it.

I won’t be vaccinated and I’m not prepared to suddenly have lots of people in the house feeling like they are entitled to be there