Not sure really how to begin with this, but I feel really confused about my dad. He ticks all the boxes for being a narcissist, but he has never been OBVIOUSLY abusive (physical/calling nasty names) which makes me doubt everything.
My mum and dad are now divorced, but when they were together he constantly belittled her and wore her down to have no confidence. Her self esteem was so low and she wasn't able to be assertive in situations. She suffered from social anxiety and depression, and still does today, even though she eventually got out. I unfortunately suffer all of the above and I can only see my dad as the common denominator.
It started when I was about 10. I'd come home from school with a shining report apart from PE. He would never congratulate me, but instead make me spend my weekend throwing a ball in the garden over and over to become "perfect".
It got much worse as a teen. He would constantly belittle me for my choice in college course, telling me what I should do instead. I was studying special effects makeup but he wanted me to be a paramedic (huge respect to them, but it's no interest to me). I would get upset and feel like a failure, and he'd tell me I was being over sensitive and to grow up. He'd also tell me that the reason a couple of boyfriend's I'd had in school would dump me was because I was too emotional and "nobody likes that".
I was never allowed to express my opinion or explain myself in any way. He would always shout over me and not let me speak, resulting in me crying and him telling me to stop being so sensitive.
He could never be wrong. My grandma even told me she has only ever once managed to get him to admit he was wrong, and this was as a 10 year old.
I had my first daughter a few years ago, and in the later weeks of pregnancy I was becoming anxious at how I would get to the hospital once labour began as we do not drive. I asked him that IF he was available, could he please take me there (note, it was a big IF, I wasn't asking him to book time off work). He simply replied "book a taxi".
Once my daughter was born he made minimal attempts to see her. He would smugly as how I was because he said he KNOWS all about PND. He "knows" because his second wife had it severely and he still uses it against her and to make her appear incapable to this day - 16 years on.
He lives 2 miles from me and has only see my daughter about 5 times in the two years she has been alive. I know there has been a pandemic, but my in-laws have seen her double that and they live a 3 hour drive away. They just jumped at the opportunity when we had brief periods of lockdown easing.
The icing on the cake which has pushed me to actually connect the dots with all of this and realise what is happening to me is father's Day. I already hadn't seen him since a brief 2 minute doorstep chat in December. Two weeks before father's Day I put the feelers out and said if he'd like to meet up we can, but not until later afternoon as we would be busy in the day. He said he wanted to see me but refused to commit to a time.
Fathers day comes and at 11am I text to ask when he would be coming to our town. 5 hours later he gives me 1 hours notice to meet him at a local pub. I was currently bathing my daughter and needed to sort her tea out too, so asked if we could delay an hour. That's when he told me I was being difficult, didn't want to see him and was creating obstacles. I told him he's more than welcome to come to my house for a bit until my daughter is sorted then we can head out. He continued to tell me I was being difficult, all because I wouldn't do exactly as he wanted.
I was getting annoyed and upset at him refering to my daughter as an "obstacle", so I called him instead to talk. Well that did a lot of good because he said I'd also caused an obstacle by not.just being free for him all day long, and that taking my husband out for a meal was me causing yet again another obstacle.
I'm not proud but I had an emotional meltdown and shouted at him down the phone. I told him he's a tit dad and to duck off. Then the rest of the night I got abusive messages telling me that I am immature, I only contact him when I want something (not true), I am inconsiderate and basically everything is my fault. He also said "well.im.sorry your highness I was sorting the boys [my brother's] out" in response to not letting me know when he wanted to meet up until an hour before. Also said that my stepmum is in hospital which has ruined his day and now I had totally ruined his chances of salvaging a good father's day. I tried to get out of him why my stepmum is in hospital and hoped she was ok, but that was ignored
Later on in the evening because I'm a bleeping mug I messaged him to say sorry for shouting and swearing but I wish he'd make more of an effort with my daughter and I.
Did he respond? Did he duck. Because my empathy got the better of me and I fell into his trap of being the one to say sorry.
Anyway this is the longest post I've ever made, so nobody has to read it. It was very therapeutic getting it all out and written down at least.