Narcissistic and Toxic parents.

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Even though I've got lots of resentment towards her, there's still 29 years of history with her. So I think I could at least tell her. It is probably better to explain to her than just disappear like this.
I get where you're coming from, but please have realistic expectations of what to expect if you do this. She won't understand, nor will you get any closure. You don't owe her anything

That being said, I did tell my mum I couldn't talk to her right now. I've muted her messages, don't visit, don't answer her calls. We haven't spoken since mother's day (UK) and honestly my mental health has dramatically improved.

If you decide to go no contact, I hope it really helps you.
 
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Ugh, where do I start ...

So, my VERY toxic, narcissistic mother is in hospital the moment for a planned procedure. In the three days she's been there, she's had aunts visit her on and off and during the in-between times has been calling everyone on her phone (but barely coherent as she's so drugged up). I have a couple of underlying health issues which flare up with stress, which just happens to be one of those times at the moment (most probably due to taking on too much at work). Hence I haven't made the very long drive to see her (not that I can get time off work anyway), and even if I did manage to, the hospital probably wouldn't let me in the doors as I'm coughing a bit at the moment as part of it all. Aaaaand ... I do believe that if I did go in she'd somehow try to guilt me into thinking that her having the procedure was all my fault ... as she likes to remind me often that before she had me she had a lovely figure and no health issues.

Tonight I got a phone call from an aunt basically lecturing me about everything under the sun of things I do and don't do ... I think the narcissistic poisonous one has been getting in her ear. As the saying goes, idle hands do the devil's work and it's very obvious that she's using this time to act out / up. My aunt even suggested that my mother might not want to come and stay with us once she comes out of hospital because she's scared of one of my dogs and asked if I could put him outside. Yeah nah, that won't be happening (which I made very clear). Beside the fact he's 17 years old this is HIS home more than hers. (I made the offer for her to come and stay if she needed to but secretly wished and hoped she wouldn't take me up on it).

Another little dig my aunt made was that the phone I bought my mother for her for her birthday four years ago isn't on a plan and she's run out of credit so she is "stuck" in hospital with no money. Why is this my problem?! I was having such a lovely, relaxing night but now feel all tied up in knots. The money thing makes me feel sick as she is constantly getting money from me and I have no idea what she does with it all. I'm just so frustrated with her. Part of me thinks I should just rock up to the hospital and get denied access just to make a point.

Thank you for reading ... it feels good to let that out with a group that understands.

I get where you're coming from, but please have realistic expectations of what to expect if you do this. She won't understand, nor will you get any closure. You don't owe her anything

That being said, I did tell my mum I couldn't talk to her right now. I've muted her messages, don't visit, don't answer her calls. We haven't spoken since mother's day (UK) and honestly my mental health has dramatically improved.

If you decide to go no contact, I hope it really helps you.
I tried going NC and she reported me to the police as a missing person ... and of course carried on about how I was the reason for her blood pressure being so high.
 
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Hello, I hope everyone on this thread is doing well!

Its been 2 months no contact for me between myself and my father and the improvement in my mental health and confidence has been amazing - but particularly the past couple of weeks. I feel like the hell of initially going no contact was worth it (although I still get pangs of guilt).

It's shocking how the people you surround yourself with can have such an effect on your mental health.
 
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Hello all 👋

I hope this isn’t off topic but I think it’s relevant. In light of the recent news in the UK that the mother’s information will now be added to marriage certificates does anyone know if this HAS to be the case? I have no relationship with either parents and the thought of their names being added or even mentioned on the big day really makes me angry if I’m being honest. I understand this is for ancestry reasons but......

Btw not even engaged 😅 me and the other half have just been discussing it lately and then I saw the news yesterday.
 
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Hello all 👋

I hope this isn’t off topic but I think it’s relevant. In light of the recent news in the UK that the mother’s information will now be added to marriage certificates does anyone know if this HAS to be the case? I have no relationship with either parents and the thought of their names being added or even mentioned on the big day really makes me angry if I’m being honest. I understand this is for ancestry reasons but......

Btw not even engaged 😅 me and the other half have just been discussing it lately and then I saw the news yesterday.
Get married abroad. We got married in the US and it's just our names on it. Absolutely no way did I want my abusive dad's name on it.
 
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Hello all 👋

I hope this isn’t off topic but I think it’s relevant. In light of the recent news in the UK that the mother’s information will now be added to marriage certificates does anyone know if this HAS to be the case? I have no relationship with either parents and the thought of their names being added or even mentioned on the big day really makes me angry if I’m being honest. I understand this is for ancestry reasons but......

Btw not even engaged 😅 me and the other half have just been discussing it lately and then I saw the news yesterday.

Hi we had our notice of marriage appointment last week and we’ve left both sets of parents off. I actually have no issues with my parents we get on well but just found it a bit old fashioned. You don’t have to put mum or dad on it 😃
 
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Will have to read this thread properly. Just wanted to add I’ve found the videos of Dr Ramani and Lisa Romano on YouTube a huge help! I’m doing therapy but can’t talk about much stuff because the focus is on me and not my mother, but I watch videos on the gaslighting/“crazy-making” and trauma bonding in childhood. It’s incredible. I have a narcissistic ex hence the reason for watching this stuff but have ended up looking at my childhood again because I believe my mum is a covert narcissist.

Re the silent treatment, my mum would always say “I’m finished with you” and ignore me for up to a week or longer, as a small child. I have Aspergers that was diagnosed in adulthood so you could imagine how literal I’d take it. She’d get my stepdad to ignore me in the house, too. Talk about walking on eggshells.

She called me, hysterical and drunk, a fortnight ago because my SIL (I don’t speak to any family) said she’d be there at 4:30pm. It was 4:45pm so she put their stuff on the step, locked up and was going to bed. I told her she was being unreasonable and she screamed about everyone treating her like crap and hung up. I had to call 111 due to her history but SIL turned up and her grandson was upset in the background. Two days later she text she was very worried about me, brushing over her outburst. I called her and said I’m not able to deal with her issues. She got offended I’d established a boundary.

Called her again the next day about Mare of Easttown to check her mood, she spent 5 minutes viscerally ranting about how small towns are horrible and the people are all bastards 🙄 so I shortened the call because I could feel my energy depleting. She’s not text or called since then, as usual, she is waiting for me to. Probably carrying out another smear campaign with anyone who will listen. Anyway, I empathise with everyone who has to deal with a narcissist in any capacity.
 
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Will have to read this thread properly. Just wanted to add I’ve found the videos of Dr Ramani and Lisa Romano on YouTube a huge help! I’m doing therapy but can’t talk about much stuff because the focus is on me and not my mother, but I watch videos on the gaslighting/“crazy-making” and trauma bonding in childhood. It’s incredible. I have a narcissistic ex hence the reason for watching this stuff but have ended up looking at my childhood again because I believe my mum is a covert narcissist.

Re the silent treatment, my mum would always say “I’m finished with you” and ignore me for up to a week or longer, as a small child. I have Aspergers that was diagnosed in adulthood so you could imagine how literal I’d take it. She’d get my stepdad to ignore me in the house, too. Talk about walking on eggshells.

She called me, hysterical and drunk, a fortnight ago because my SIL (I don’t speak to any family) said she’d be there at 4:30pm. It was 4:45pm so she put their stuff on the step, locked up and was going to bed. I told her she was being unreasonable and she screamed about everyone treating her like crap and hung up. I had to call 111 due to her history but SIL turned up and her grandson was upset in the background. Two days later she text she was very worried about me, brushing over her outburst. I called her and said I’m not able to deal with her issues. She got offended I’d established a boundary.

Called her again the next day about Mare of Easttown to check her mood, she spent 5 minutes viscerally ranting about how small towns are horrible and the people are all bastards 🙄 so I shortened the call because I could feel my energy depleting. She’s not text or called since then, as usual, she is waiting for me to. Probably carrying out another smear campaign with anyone who will listen. Anyway, I empathise with everyone who has to deal with a narcissist in any capacity.
Crazy how relatable this is especially the he last half of the last paragraph! And the bit about her calling to say she’s worried about you whilst brushing over her behaviour is so so relatable! Will check out those YouTube’s, I hope you’re ok and good on you for establishing some boundaries with her xx
 
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Crazy how relatable this is especially the he last half of the last paragraph! And the bit about her calling to say she’s worried about you whilst brushing over her behaviour is so so relatable! Will check out those YouTube’s, I hope you’re ok and good on you for establishing some boundaries with her xx
Aw, thank you - sorry you can relate!! I’ve had months of no contact in the past but she never changes, they never do. Definitely check those YTs out, they’re very helpful and easy to watch. I’m not one for self-help stuff and even I can get into them. I find myself open-mouthed a lot of the time because the narcissist is crazy-making and it’s good to hear there are people out there who get what’s really going on.
 
This thread has helped me so much with dealing with guilt and shame due to my mum. I always ~knew~ my family dynamics were off, but didn’t know how much until I went to therapy 2 years ago (life changer!)

I have a narcissistic/toxic mum, which unfortunately some of traits have been handed down to me 🤦🏼‍♀️ And I’m rewriting my brain to do, but it’s literally reparenting yourself and it’s hard. one of the things my mum is currently not speaking to me, haven’t spoken since Easter Monday because I wouldn’t tell her why I was annoyed and snappy,
 
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I've just heard, hate calling him my dad, is dying, one of the biggest narcissistic person I've ever known, good bloody riddance .
 
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I've just heard, hate calling him my dad, is dying, one of the biggest narcissistic person I've ever known, good bloody riddance .
I am a bad person but I dream about the day I get those news.

All the best for you, I hope it'll bring closure and peace for you ❤
 
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I am a bad person but I dream about the day I get those news.

All the best for you, I hope it'll bring closure and peace for you ❤
You are not a bad person for thinking the same, I've been waiting years to hear this news, but it's the fall out after I dread, my thoughts are, 1 down, 2 to go.
 
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You are not a bad person for thinking the same, I've been waiting years to hear this news, but it's the fall out after I dread, my thoughts are, 1 down, 2 to go.
See I'm already halfway there with mum gone so I'm almost free!

If you need any support for dealing with the fall out, you know where to come.
 
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See I'm already halfway there with mum gone so I'm almost free!

If you need any support for dealing with the fall out, you know where to come.
Thank you, this is only place where I can say this, I have no one else apart from my oh.
 
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Thank you, this is only place where I can say this, I have no one else apart from my oh.
Very much the same for me. In fact my OH doesn't even know the half of it, Tattle knows more than he does. It's hard to try tell someone who comes from a normal, loving home, what kind of hell you have been put through by the two people who are supposed to love you and protect you.
 
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Very much the same for me. In fact my OH doesn't even know the half of it, Tattle knows more than he does. It's hard to try tell someone who comes from a normal, loving home, what kind of hell you have been put through by the two people who are supposed to love you and protect you.
My oh has his own issues with his so called parents too, so sometimes it's better if I say nothing, that's an absolute joke imo that your parents are supposed to always be there for you, I didn't choose to be born, you are the parents, aren't they supposed to look after you? Thank god I have no kids, I'd hate for anyone to have gone through what I have , and all of you on this thread.
 
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My oh has his own issues with his so called parents too, so sometimes it's better if I say nothing, that's an absolute joke imo that your parents are supposed to always be there for you, I didn't choose to be born, you are the parents, aren't they supposed to look after you? Thank god I have no kids, I'd hate for anyone to have gone through what I have , and all of you on this thread.
I do sometimes wonder what it would be like to visit your parent(s) without fearing that they will beat you up. These people don't stop when their kids grow up, even when they are in their 30's its fine to physically assault them if they aren't exactly what you want them to be.

(In my case the last time it happened I took too long to answer a question. Apparently that gives him the right to hit me)

And no, I don't have kids either and absolutely no intention of ever having any.
 
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I do sometimes wonder what it would be like to visit your parent(s) without fearing that they will beat you up. These people don't stop when their kids grow up, even when they are in their 30's its fine to physically assault them if they aren't exactly what you want them to be.

(In my case the last time it happened I took too long to answer a question. Apparently that gives him the right to hit me)

And no, I don't have kids either and absolutely no intention of ever having any.
I'm so sorry what you've been through, there's absolutely no excuse for a parent to lay a hand on you, that's horrendous.
Mines mental and emotional abuse, oh and them having a favourite child who's a wrong un.
 
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I'm so sorry what you've been through, there's absolutely no excuse for a parent to lay a hand on you, that's horrendous.
Mines mental and emotional abuse, oh and them having a favourite child who's a wrong un.
Yeah that's classic, narcs always have a golden child who can do no wrong. I'm sorry you have to live like that. You're much better off without them.
 
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