Narcissistic and Toxic parents.

[Clementine]

Can I join here please? My Mum is a duck up. She’ll be 61 tomorrow and will never change. She’s had cancer - over 20 years ago and lost her son (my brother) when he was 12. I can’t imagine how painful that must be and I know things like that cut deep. It’s like these things are who she is though. She has no other identity other than being a cancer survivor and bereaved mother.

I feel so bad for thinking negatively of her because of the above but I need to talk about it somewhere. She told me when I was 16 that she’d wished I died instead of my brother. I’m 41 now and it’s as fresh in my head like she said it yesterday. She would ignore me for at least a week if I went to see my Dad. I moved from Scotland to London in my early 20s and stayed for 14 years - can count on one hand the times she came to visit. I live round the corner from her now (wish I didn’t) and am slowly cutting down contact. Used to phone her every day as felt it was my duty but it was never appreciated and she’s hung up on me twice recently so scaled that back. My Stepdad is ace and is the reason my daughter spends time with them at the weekend. If I could fully cut her off I would. She’s muted and archived in my WhatsApp.

I was watching Coronation Street last night and one of the characters described her Dad as resenting her for being alive. It fully resonated After my brother died, she spent all her time/attention on an older cousin, then it was another cousin. Right now it’s a cousin who’s moved away and doesn’t always tell her when she’s coming back to visit so it’s like a top secret mission. It seems the be the only time she’s genuinely happy when my cousin is about.

There’s so much more I could write but won’t as I want to be at peace before I go to sleep.

 

[Chandler Bing]

Can I join here please? My Mum is a duck up. She’ll be 61 tomorrow and will never change. She’s had cancer - over 20 years ago and lost her son (my brother) when he was 12. I can’t imagine how painful that must be and I know things like that cut deep. It’s like these things are who she is though. She has no other identity other than being a cancer survivor and bereaved mother.

I feel so bad for thinking negatively of her because of the above but I need to talk about it somewhere. She told me when I was 16 that she’d wished I died instead of my brother. I’m 41 now and it’s as fresh in my head like she said it yesterday. She would ignore me for at least a week if I went to see my Dad. I moved from Scotland to London in my early 20s and stayed for 14 years - can count on one hand the times she came to visit. I live round the corner from her now (wish I didn’t) and am slowly cutting down contact. Used to phone her every day as felt it was my duty but it was never appreciated and she’s hung up on me twice recently so scaled that back. My Stepdad is ace and is the reason my daughter spends time with them at the weekend. If I could fully cut her off I would. She’s muted and archived in my WhatsApp.

I was watching Coronation Street last night and one of the characters described her Dad as resenting her for being alive. It fully resonated After my brother died, she spent all her time/attention on an older cousin, then it was another cousin. Right now it’s a cousin who’s moved away and doesn’t always tell her when she’s coming back to visit so it’s like a top secret mission. It seems the be the only time she’s genuinely happy when my cousin is about.

There’s so much more I could write but won’t as I want to be at peace before I go to sleep.

You're right to reduce contact. I'm glad you have a great stepdad at least and your daughter can spend time with him/them. That at least saves you from the guilt trips about not seeing her grandchild!

I have said this before but I'm so sad and angry for you and all the others on this thread for all the things you have had to go through, but at the same time I feel such relief that I'm not the only one.

 

[prinsld]

Hello everyone, I really love this thread and every post i feel relates to me somehow and my life and my upbringing. I feel so silly because my mum was very manipulative and emotionally abusive that it’s daft for me to speak about since there are and have been children and adults going through much worse things. I’m 24 and haven’t had any contact for over a year now and i’m so happy and content in my life. I’ve been considering therapy for some time as almost of my childhood and teen years i can’t remember i think i’ve blocked it out? but sometimes i remember random things, i think the therapy would help but then i don’t want to remember the things if they’re going to make me sad again and trap me back in the cycle? hope this makes sense and so happy i’ve found this amazing and strong group of people

 

[lettie0507]

Awful.

I moved far far away from my narcissistic mother 10 years ago after such a toxic childhood (my older siblings did the same so she’s the common denominator)

There have been a couple of periods where I’ve contacted her and it’s been all rainbows and smiles for about a day and then over time the venom just seeps back through the exterior. Haven’t spoke to her in about 4 years now.

She tried to contact me on social media just before lockdown and I blocked her. She did the same with my brother and said how much she loved us etc my sister has PTSD as a result of her upbringing and I’ve suffered with my mental health since I left.

Dad left when I was a baby. Had small bits of contact with him until one day he cut his landline off and moved away without telling us.

Tried bonding with him at 24 which was just a disaster. He didn’t know anything about me, didn’t know how old I was. He lives about 2 miles down the road and I haven’t seen or heard from him in 3 years as the novelty wore off for him and I was sick of him trying to score points against my mum despite them being both as toxic as each other.

Everything I’ve witnessed has taught me how not to be a parent. I’d die for my children and I haven’t even had any yet.

I’ve been exactly the same and have no contact with my parents abs suffer with PTSD and other conditions. I always feel so judged having parents who are alive , yet I don’t speak to but I’ve got my own family now and I’m at peace with myself but me and my brother lost contact . Hope you’re happy and healthy

 

[Wolfshead]

Hello everyone, I really love this thread and every post i feel relates to me somehow and my life and my upbringing. I feel so silly because my mum was very manipulative and emotionally abusive that it’s daft for me to speak about since there are and have been children and adults going through much worse things. I’m 24 and haven’t had any contact for over a year now and i’m so happy and content in my life. I’ve been considering therapy for some time as almost of my childhood and teen years i can’t remember i think i’ve blocked it out? but sometimes i remember random things, i think the therapy would help but then i don’t want to remember the things if they’re going to make me sad again and trap me back in the cycle? hope this makes sense and so happy i’ve found this amazing and strong group of people

I hope you don't mind if I comment on your post. Please don't "feel silly" because of your feelings. Therapy may be a great help to you, if only to have your feelings validated. If you do find buried memories resurfacing, then therapy will help you to deal with them. Better to have them surface in a safe environment rather than have them overwhelm you at a later date.

 

[Fourcats]

The woman who gave birth to me. I can't call her a mum because she wasn't one. More like a prison warden. There was no love or care, just manipulation and venom.
I can't remember her ever telling me she loved me or was proud of me. I do remember her telling me she wished she hasn't had me. Or that I was an embarrassment or that I was always wrong or stupid.
She's left me with 2 nervous breakdowns, depression and trust issues.

Cut her out of my life when I was 23. I'm 41 now.

I get jealous of friends who have great parents who love them unconditionally and treat their kids with respect, I wonder what that must feel like.

I hate it when people try to make ME feel guilty for cutting ties with her for my own self preservation. If only they knew the pain and long term damage a narcissistic parent can cause.

There is no winning with someone like her. A narcissistic person isn't capable of comprehending they are the one in the wrong. Took me a long time to figure that out.

My life is richer without her in it.

 

[Rodneytrotter]

The woman who gave birth to me. I can't call her a mum because she wasn't one. More like a prison warden. There was no love or care, just manipulation and venom.
I can't remember her ever telling me she loved me or was proud of me. I do remember her telling me she wished she hasn't had me. Or that I was an embarrassment or that I was always wrong or stupid.
She's left me with 2 nervous breakdowns, depression and trust issues.

Cut her out of my life when I was 23. I'm 41 now.

I get jealous of friends who have great parents who love them unconditionally and treat their kids with respect, I wonder what that must feel like.

I hate it when people try to make ME feel guilty for cutting ties with her for my own self preservation. If only they knew the pain and long term damage a narcissistic parent can cause.

There is no winning with someone like her. A narcissistic person isn't capable of comprehending they are the one in the wrong. Took me a long time to figure that out.

My life is richer without her in it.

I can relate to everything you've said - especially the prison warden comment. I think people with normal parents also don't understand the feelings involved in deciding which is best: the pain of cutting out a parent vs the pain of staying in contact.

 

[1001 others]

^ I've had to stop discussing stuff like this with one "friend," who constantly pipes up with, "Oh, but she's your MUM - she's old and needs you" - surely a real friend would just accept your word for what's going on and see that comments like this are not helpful? A lot of people have absolutely no idea what it is like to be raised by, or be a sibling of, a narc.

 

[Rodneytrotter]

^ I've had to stop discussing stuff like this with one "friend," who constantly pipes up with, "Oh, but she's your MUM - she's old and needs you" - surely a real friend would just accept your word for what's going on and see that comments like this are not helpful? A lot of people have absolutely no idea what it is like to be raised by, or be a sibling of, a narc.

Absolutely, you wouldn't say to a wife being abused by her husband 'oh but he's your husband'. I remember my dad yelling 'DAMN YOU' over and over in my face (typical behaviour from him) when I was a kid and my dad must have been in his 30s so not old at all - anyone who says to me 'but he's an old man' - im sorry but his behaviour started way before he was old so not an excuse at all. Man I wish I'd woke up and smelled the coffee sooner.

 

[mcfeez]

My mother is toxic AF but has no clue. She thinks how she is is totally normal. She used to spread so many lies to other family members about me when I was a child. She called me "an ill bred c*nt" one day. I cant even remember what over. Her temper is the shortest fuse you can imagine. She used to slap me over everything - not a spank, shed leave marks on my legs and back. It didn't stop til I threatened to hit back in my teens. I grew up depressed and terrified because there was no thing too small to set her off. She would scream the house down over something like accidentally spilling a glass of water or juice.

When people talk about missing things like school days, I get filled with a cold dread at the idea of being back in my parents house. Our relationship now is incredibly distant. She thinks we get along but the truth is I keep her at arms length, she doesnt really know me at all and thats my preference.

 

[ItsEmmie]

My mother is toxic AF but has no clue. She thinks how she is is totally normal. She used to spread so many lies to other family members about me when I was a child. She called me "an ill bred c*nt" one day. I cant even remember what over. Her temper is the shortest fuse you can imagine. She used to slap me over everything - not a spank, shed leave marks on my legs and back. It didn't stop til I threatened to hit back in my teens. I grew up depressed and terrified because there was no thing too small to set her off. She would scream the house down over something like accidentally spilling a glass of water or juice.

When people talk about missing things like school days, I get filled with a cold dread at the idea of being back in my parents house. Our relationship now is incredibly distant. She thinks we get along but the truth is I keep her at arms length, she doesnt really know me at all and thats my preference.

Actually makes me feel sick to me stomach reading stuff on here I have actually told my mum I’ve written on these forums hopefully so she understand that it really affects me and she’s made it that I have no one in real life to speak to it about and she just got even worse!

She hasn’t hit me this year because I swore I would ring the police next time but last year she punched n in the throat, got me in a head lock, punched my between the boobs and slapped me countless times. Also remember when I was a teen struggling with a eating disorder she smashed my head on a cupboard handle chased me to my bedroom jumped on my head saying “why can’t you just die” over and over. I mentioned it since and she says “but it’s how you made me feel” .

 

[Clementine]

Oh god, ItsEmmie, it’s like they’re all so similar. Your story has just brought something back. It’s all about THEM and THEIR feelings.

I had bulimia for years (after my Dad suddenly died) from 18 -21. I lived with my Mum and she found evidence of me being sick - she said she was “disgusted” by what she’d found. When I confessed I had an eating disorder and had been suffering for years her reaction was “how could you do this to me?!”

 

[hypoharpy]

One of hardest thing with my mother( has NPD) is that she hid it from others. Our extended family thought she was a wonderful mother and turned against me when I went NC . She skillfully made out that I was the problem.

 

[Rodneytrotter]

One of hardest thing with my mother( has NPD) is that she hid it from others. Our extended family thought she was a wonderful mother and turned against me when I went NC . She skillfully made out that I was the problem.

Oh they're good at that. On paper my parents are picture perfect and I have always been portrayed as the spoilt, ungrateful brat.

 

[PrincessCharming]

One of hardest thing with my mother( has NPD) is that she hid it from others. Our extended family thought she was a wonderful mother and turned against me when I went NC . She skillfully made out that I was the problem.

My mother did that too but it didn’t work. I still see my brothers.

 

[leviosa]

My mother did that too but it didn’t work. I still see my brothers.

Mine has done it for the most part successfully, apart from people who have seen her mask slip. I still have a good relationship with my brother and my mum's neighbour as they know what she's really like and how she really treats me when she forgets people are watching.

 

[Fourcats]

My mother is toxic AF but has no clue. She thinks how she is is totally normal. She used to spread so many lies to other family members about me when I was a child. She called me "an ill bred c*nt" one day. I cant even remember what over. Her temper is the shortest fuse you can imagine. She used to slap me over everything - not a spank, shed leave marks on my legs and back. It didn't stop til I threatened to hit back in my teens. I grew up depressed and terrified because there was no thing too small to set her off. She would scream the house down over something like accidentally spilling a glass of water or juice.

When people talk about missing things like school days, I get filled with a cold dread at the idea of being back in my parents house. Our relationship now is incredibly distant. She thinks we get along but the truth is I keep her at arms length, she doesnt really know me at all and thats my preference.

This resonates with me. Mine used to use violence. When I was 17 she hit me and I finally slapped her back across the face and told her she would never hit me again. I moved out that day never to sleep under that roof again.

My older sister has also cut her out of her life but that was only 8 years ago. She took some time to find the courage to realise she would survive without her.

I do have a much younger brother with complex needs who still lives with the witch. On very very very rare occasions I will briefly speak to her if its in relation to helping my brother. I shower in Dettol afterwards though.

I think she's made me cold because I cut out anybody from my life who reminds me of her or shows Narc traits. I can't take a chance of someone pushing me into the dark well like she did.
I also tit down people who try to make me feel guilty for ending our relationship by also comparing it to domestic abuse / familial abuse. They shut up then.

She was very good at coming across as a Saint to anyone outside the direct family. The facade didn't last long though till she just couldn't help but show her true colours.

I really do believe some people should not be allowed to have kids.

 

[Meringue22]

My mum lives with me. Where to start?! Sibling thinks she’s this sweet little old lady who has no faults. I lost it last week and told my sister some home truths. I’ve split with my husband due to abuse and she STILL sides with him. Asked her to
pay more towards the bills - to me not to him - and all she cares about is whether he’ll lose out. So much more I could post. I dislike her

 

[Hope96]

My dad told me to kill myself and called me an ugly hoe today for simply not getting up from "his sofa". You'd think after a lifetime of abuse he would stop but no he keeps pushing and pushing when he knows I'm struggling as it is. Often I wonder what life would be to have two supportive parents but that's never going to happen for me.

 

[Coffeefirst19]

Yes.
and it’s really draining.
I try and distance myself as much as possible but forthe last 24 hours I’ve had texts of abuse and my mum saying she’s going to kill herself and it’s all my fault.
Feel like I’m going to have a mental breakdown