If she’s sending texts like that call her GP or police and say you’re worried and for them to do a welfare check. She’ll soon stop.
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No, she’s done this since I was 14. I’m 30 now.
She does it to get her own way.
she’s a very poisonous person.
Last time I called the police to do a welfare check and I had abuse for months saying I was trying to get her sectioned.
it’s started because my dad babysit my children and she was jealous.
In this past year I've wondered this a lot as I've come to terms with my upbringing. Annoyed at the wasted potential, but what can you do eh!
I find distance and making your own found family in friends and partners has been my life line. My mum is the issue, she had a horrible manipulative mother herself and it’s frustrating to realise that she doesn’t know any better but certainly won’t be how I treat my children when/if I have them.
It‘a so comforting to read all your posts and know I’m not alone, sorry you all have experienced this too though
It‘a so comforting to read all your posts and know I’m not alone, sorry you all have experienced this too though
Yes - I think about this a lot. I'm 44 now and I feel that I should have 'gotten over it' by now - but the truth is I see friends who's parents are still alive (didn't eat and smoke themselves to an early grave in her case, or abandon me at 14 in his case) and I think about how vulnerable I was when I was younger - I lacked so much self-confidence and essentially went looking for love in some terrible places. How much would things have been different if I'd had two parents who were vaguely normal and actually gave a tit, who could have taught me genuine life skills and steered me in the right direction. I know it's pointless to dwell on these things (and a lot of kids had/have it much worse) and I am fine where I am in life now - no thanks to them.
I used to think that my mum was the victim of my violent dad, and well she was, but she was such an enabler as well. He was/is a raging alcoholic so what did mum do? buy him alcohol. She manipulated me so much emotionally that it's only taken now to see it. She even controlled what I ate and for so long I just went a long with it. I have never eaten certain foods because I was told that I wouldn't like it from a young age, and I obviously trusted my mother completely. It's shocking how much you remember when you're away from that person. I'm mad I didn't see it sooner.
I spoke to my nan (maternal) two weeks ago and she asked 'why was I fighting with mum?' and well, to say that she was shocked is an understatement. I'm glad she can see who her daughter is really. I've spent far too long just allowing her behaviour and staying silent to make her happy (although when I said this to her, she replied "well, I never asked you to do that!"
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I have partial contact with my mum but I'm starting to feel like cutting her off altogether. My brother had a car accident in Nov 2020 which I didn't hear about until March, from my other brother. Why am I staying in contact with my mum when she can't even tell me when a serious accident has happened? She drives me up the wall.
I spoke to my nan (maternal) two weeks ago and she asked 'why was I fighting with mum?' and well, to say that she was shocked is an understatement. I'm glad she can see who her daughter is really. I've spent far too long just allowing her behaviour and staying silent to make her happy (although when I said this to her, she replied "well, I never asked you to do that!"
)I have partial contact with my mum but I'm starting to feel like cutting her off altogether. My brother had a car accident in Nov 2020 which I didn't hear about until March, from my other brother. Why am I staying in contact with my mum when she can't even tell me when a serious accident has happened? She drives me up the wall.
My mother told my brother not to tell me when his dad died (same mum, different dads). He was a part of my life too and of course I needed to support my brother in his grief. They’d been divorced for 10 years but my mother still played the grieving widow conveniently forgetting stepdad had a new wife ( and a girlfriend).
This year is gonna be my first father's day of being non contact!
Does anyone else feel this real emptiness and longing for something they never had?
when I was growing up, I saw my classmates being picked up from school by their parents and I heard them talking about their happy home lives and I used to feel so jealous, I just wanted what they had.
I’ve posted my story earlier in this thread, but my mum brought me up alone and I had a difficult and unloving relationship with both parents.
even now when I look at happy families or when I see pictures of my old classmates with their families, I just feel sick, I just want what they had so badly. I just always feel so empty. I have a longing for something I’ll never have.
when I was growing up, I saw my classmates being picked up from school by their parents and I heard them talking about their happy home lives and I used to feel so jealous, I just wanted what they had.
I’ve posted my story earlier in this thread, but my mum brought me up alone and I had a difficult and unloving relationship with both parents.
even now when I look at happy families or when I see pictures of my old classmates with their families, I just feel sick, I just want what they had so badly. I just always feel so empty. I have a longing for something I’ll never have.
Yes and I always thought the feeling would get better with age but it hasn't. You can't help but feel empty and bitter (at times) in my case that I never had the stability and love I wanted and deserved from one of my parents sadly.
I’m definitely bitter a lot and I hate that I struggle so much with it. It’s so hard because it’s something you can never change, you can’t take back the past, you can’t re write your life.
I’d give anything to have those family holidays, those family days out and that loving relationship with my family members. I used to hate seeing the Haven holiday adverts when I was a kid and hearing my classmates tell everyone about their summers.
I wish there was a way I could get over it, but I guess all I’ll ever do is compartmentalise it.
it’s sad that other people feel the same, but I’m glad I’m not alone.
I agree with everything you have said in your post and it's reassuring yet very sad to know others feel like this too. I somehow trained myself to not care about family holidays and days out because I knew I would never get them as a child but as an adult I feel sad and bitter that I never got to experience things that other children did. Instead I feared being at home because no matter how well behaved I was I would still be subjected to physical and emotional abuse. I think some things you never do get over sadly. I guess acceptance is key and focusing on making beautiful memories as an adult even if it's not with your parents is equally as important. Sending lots of love and hugs to you!
it’s horrible, no one should ever feel this way. Your parents are meant to build you up, not tear you down.I agree with everything you have said in your post and it's reassuring yet very sad to know others feel like this too. I somehow trained myself to not care about family holidays and days out because I knew I would never get them as a child but as an adult I feel sad and bitter that I never got to experience things that other children did. Instead I feared being at home because no matter how well behaved I was I would still be subjected to physical and emotional abuse. I think some things you never do get over sadly. I guess acceptance is key and focusing on making beautiful memories as an adult even if it's not with your parents is equally as important. Sending lots of love and hugs to you!
I guess that’s why I live life to the full now, doing as much as I can and experiencing as much as I can, I feel like I need to fill a void.
Same to you!
Yes 100% it's hard to articulate how you feel as a child. I used to daydream at school about being loved and hugged by a family who thought I was great. I also had a fake life that I'd lie about at school.
I remember going to friends house and everyone was so warm that I really started longing for that in my life.
I always used to feel like this weird feeling in my stomach when I was a child and I never understood really that it was a longing for love and security.
I think it has got worse for me as an adult, because I’ve become even more aware of the happy families. Although, I always remember this one girl in my primary class, she had such a picture perfect life, two loving parents, nice house, family holidays, she had it all and I was always so jealous of her. She always looked so happy and loved.
It is hard to see, and be around, loving families who have a genuine connection and not be envious.
I wish my mother would be happy for me just once. I hesitate to tell her anything I'm doing because she's so difficult (she'll either attribute my 'wins' in life to her in some way, sulk, or tut-tut, and roll out her, "Ooooooh 1001 ... " disappointed line).
It's made worse by me being the only person who can see the real her.
My mother is elderly and needs help with things; I give her money all the time (far too often) for things she says she needs but I don't want to spend time with her. It's a lot more than she ever did for me when I was growing up. I was so poor at one point, I'd buy two cans of baked beans and eat them very slowly throughout the week - nothing else. I did ask for help and she just scoffed and said I'd made my own bed; I could lie in it. When I left home (which was just an incredibly toxic environment - alcoholic father who shouted and carried on; sister who was much the same; enabler mother who used to sulk and cry), I asked if I could borrow my bed from home and was told flatly, NO. Too young to take out a loan, I slept on a hard floor for two years until I'd saved up enough money to buy a bed. And here she is, all these years later, expecting us to fund an adjustable bed for her ... despite her having a perfectly good bed.
I wish my mother would be happy for me just once. I hesitate to tell her anything I'm doing because she's so difficult (she'll either attribute my 'wins' in life to her in some way, sulk, or tut-tut, and roll out her, "Ooooooh 1001 ... " disappointed line).
It's made worse by me being the only person who can see the real her.
My mother is elderly and needs help with things; I give her money all the time (far too often) for things she says she needs but I don't want to spend time with her. It's a lot more than she ever did for me when I was growing up. I was so poor at one point, I'd buy two cans of baked beans and eat them very slowly throughout the week - nothing else. I did ask for help and she just scoffed and said I'd made my own bed; I could lie in it. When I left home (which was just an incredibly toxic environment - alcoholic father who shouted and carried on; sister who was much the same; enabler mother who used to sulk and cry), I asked if I could borrow my bed from home and was told flatly, NO. Too young to take out a loan, I slept on a hard floor for two years until I'd saved up enough money to buy a bed. And here she is, all these years later, expecting us to fund an adjustable bed for her ... despite her having a perfectly good bed.
Please stop giving her your money.
I didn’t ever give my mother money. She once moved house and bought a new painting for her conservatory. It was £200 and she said to me, give me the £200 I paid for that painting and that will be my house warming present. It was years ago and I can’t remember if I paid up or not, just the cheek of her. I do know that when I moved house she didn’t even send a card!
She used to invite herself along when my family went out for dinner and never ever offer to pay her share. I later heard she said to my auntie I like tagging along with them because it’s a free meal out. Quite often on these meals out she’d drink then have a go at me, starting a row from nothing, ruining the night out. This would be in front of her grandchildren. I’m so glad I stopped having anything to do with her.
All the time. A lot of the abuse I suffered happened because my mother put me in that position and didn't care. I would have been saved a lot of trauma if my mother had been a decent person. But she wasn't so here I am. However, I do try and look on the bright side, she didn't give me much but she gave me resilience, a fight to survive and a huge lesson on how not to parent. So, I might have not gotten much from her but I have made sure I did not bring that tit into my new family and thankfully the ghost of her isn't a factor in my own parenting.
Not sure really how to begin with this, but I feel really confused about my dad. He ticks all the boxes for being a narcissist, but he has never been OBVIOUSLY abusive (physical/calling nasty names) which makes me doubt everything.
My mum and dad are now divorced, but when they were together he constantly belittled her and wore her down to have no confidence. Her self esteem was so low and she wasn't able to be assertive in situations. She suffered from social anxiety and depression, and still does today, even though she eventually got out. I unfortunately suffer all of the above and I can only see my dad as the common denominator.
It started when I was about 10. I'd come home from school with a shining report apart from PE. He would never congratulate me, but instead make me spend my weekend throwing a ball in the garden over and over to become "perfect".
It got much worse as a teen. He would constantly belittle me for my choice in college course, telling me what I should do instead. I was studying special effects makeup but he wanted me to be a paramedic (huge respect to them, but it's no interest to me). I would get upset and feel like a failure, and he'd tell me I was being over sensitive and to grow up. He'd also tell me that the reason a couple of boyfriend's I'd had in school would dump me was because I was too emotional and "nobody likes that".
I was never allowed to express my opinion or explain myself in any way. He would always shout over me and not let me speak, resulting in me crying and him telling me to stop being so sensitive.
He could never be wrong. My grandma even told me she has only ever once managed to get him to admit he was wrong, and this was as a 10 year old.
I had my first daughter a few years ago, and in the later weeks of pregnancy I was becoming anxious at how I would get to the hospital once labour began as we do not drive. I asked him that IF he was available, could he please take me there (note, it was a big IF, I wasn't asking him to book time off work). He simply replied "book a taxi".
Once my daughter was born he made minimal attempts to see her. He would smugly as how I was because he said he KNOWS all about PND. He "knows" because his second wife had it severely and he still uses it against her and to make her appear incapable to this day - 16 years on.
He lives 2 miles from me and has only see my daughter about 5 times in the two years she has been alive. I know there has been a pandemic, but my in-laws have seen her double that and they live a 3 hour drive away. They just jumped at the opportunity when we had brief periods of lockdown easing.
The icing on the cake which has pushed me to actually connect the dots with all of this and realise what is happening to me is father's Day. I already hadn't seen him since a brief 2 minute doorstep chat in December. Two weeks before father's Day I put the feelers out and said if he'd like to meet up we can, but not until later afternoon as we would be busy in the day. He said he wanted to see me but refused to commit to a time.
Fathers day comes and at 11am I text to ask when he would be coming to our town. 5 hours later he gives me 1 hours notice to meet him at a local pub. I was currently bathing my daughter and needed to sort her tea out too, so asked if we could delay an hour. That's when he told me I was being difficult, didn't want to see him and was creating obstacles. I told him he's more than welcome to come to my house for a bit until my daughter is sorted then we can head out. He continued to tell me I was being difficult, all because I wouldn't do exactly as he wanted.
I was getting annoyed and upset at him refering to my daughter as an "obstacle", so I called him instead to talk. Well that did a lot of good because he said I'd also caused an obstacle by not.just being free for him all day long, and that taking my husband out for a meal was me causing yet again another obstacle.
I'm not proud but I had an emotional meltdown and shouted at him down the phone. I told him he's a tit dad and to duck off. Then the rest of the night I got abusive messages telling me that I am immature, I only contact him when I want something (not true), I am inconsiderate and basically everything is my fault. He also said "well.im.sorry your highness I was sorting the boys [my brother's] out" in response to not letting me know when he wanted to meet up until an hour before. Also said that my stepmum is in hospital which has ruined his day and now I had totally ruined his chances of salvaging a good father's day. I tried to get out of him why my stepmum is in hospital and hoped she was ok, but that was ignored
Later on in the evening because I'm a bleeping mug I messaged him to say sorry for shouting and swearing but I wish he'd make more of an effort with my daughter and I.
Did he respond? Did he duck. Because my empathy got the better of me and I fell into his trap of being the one to say sorry.
Anyway this is the longest post I've ever made, so nobody has to read it. It was very therapeutic getting it all out and written down at least.
My mum and dad are now divorced, but when they were together he constantly belittled her and wore her down to have no confidence. Her self esteem was so low and she wasn't able to be assertive in situations. She suffered from social anxiety and depression, and still does today, even though she eventually got out. I unfortunately suffer all of the above and I can only see my dad as the common denominator.
It started when I was about 10. I'd come home from school with a shining report apart from PE. He would never congratulate me, but instead make me spend my weekend throwing a ball in the garden over and over to become "perfect".
It got much worse as a teen. He would constantly belittle me for my choice in college course, telling me what I should do instead. I was studying special effects makeup but he wanted me to be a paramedic (huge respect to them, but it's no interest to me). I would get upset and feel like a failure, and he'd tell me I was being over sensitive and to grow up. He'd also tell me that the reason a couple of boyfriend's I'd had in school would dump me was because I was too emotional and "nobody likes that".
I was never allowed to express my opinion or explain myself in any way. He would always shout over me and not let me speak, resulting in me crying and him telling me to stop being so sensitive.
He could never be wrong. My grandma even told me she has only ever once managed to get him to admit he was wrong, and this was as a 10 year old.
I had my first daughter a few years ago, and in the later weeks of pregnancy I was becoming anxious at how I would get to the hospital once labour began as we do not drive. I asked him that IF he was available, could he please take me there (note, it was a big IF, I wasn't asking him to book time off work). He simply replied "book a taxi".
Once my daughter was born he made minimal attempts to see her. He would smugly as how I was because he said he KNOWS all about PND. He "knows" because his second wife had it severely and he still uses it against her and to make her appear incapable to this day - 16 years on.
He lives 2 miles from me and has only see my daughter about 5 times in the two years she has been alive. I know there has been a pandemic, but my in-laws have seen her double that and they live a 3 hour drive away. They just jumped at the opportunity when we had brief periods of lockdown easing.
The icing on the cake which has pushed me to actually connect the dots with all of this and realise what is happening to me is father's Day. I already hadn't seen him since a brief 2 minute doorstep chat in December. Two weeks before father's Day I put the feelers out and said if he'd like to meet up we can, but not until later afternoon as we would be busy in the day. He said he wanted to see me but refused to commit to a time.
Fathers day comes and at 11am I text to ask when he would be coming to our town. 5 hours later he gives me 1 hours notice to meet him at a local pub. I was currently bathing my daughter and needed to sort her tea out too, so asked if we could delay an hour. That's when he told me I was being difficult, didn't want to see him and was creating obstacles. I told him he's more than welcome to come to my house for a bit until my daughter is sorted then we can head out. He continued to tell me I was being difficult, all because I wouldn't do exactly as he wanted.
I was getting annoyed and upset at him refering to my daughter as an "obstacle", so I called him instead to talk. Well that did a lot of good because he said I'd also caused an obstacle by not.just being free for him all day long, and that taking my husband out for a meal was me causing yet again another obstacle.
I'm not proud but I had an emotional meltdown and shouted at him down the phone. I told him he's a tit dad and to duck off. Then the rest of the night I got abusive messages telling me that I am immature, I only contact him when I want something (not true), I am inconsiderate and basically everything is my fault. He also said "well.im.sorry your highness I was sorting the boys [my brother's] out" in response to not letting me know when he wanted to meet up until an hour before. Also said that my stepmum is in hospital which has ruined his day and now I had totally ruined his chances of salvaging a good father's day. I tried to get out of him why my stepmum is in hospital and hoped she was ok, but that was ignored
Later on in the evening because I'm a bleeping mug I messaged him to say sorry for shouting and swearing but I wish he'd make more of an effort with my daughter and I.
Did he respond? Did he duck. Because my empathy got the better of me and I fell into his trap of being the one to say sorry.
Anyway this is the longest post I've ever made, so nobody has to read it. It was very therapeutic getting it all out and written down at least.
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