Anyone have these? How did you or do you deal with them?
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Yes. I moved.....very very far away! Genuinely though, I had therapy and learnt to set really strong boundaries and have almost zero expectations of my mum. I’ve accepted now that she will never change and I’ll never have the mother I want or need. We still have a relationship, but it’s at a safe distance and I don’t discuss anything personal or let myself be trapped by guilt.
Distance is a real help. If I hadn’t moved so far away I don’t think I’d have even realised how bad a parent she really is.
There are some really good reddit forums about toxic, narcissistic, and/or borderline parents. They helped me massively. Worth checking out. what’s the issue with your parents?
Distance is a real help. If I hadn’t moved so far away I don’t think I’d have even realised how bad a parent she really is.
There are some really good reddit forums about toxic, narcissistic, and/or borderline parents. They helped me massively. Worth checking out. what’s the issue with your parents?
Awful.
I moved far far away from my narcissistic mother 10 years ago after such a toxic childhood (my older siblings did the same so she’s the common denominator)
There have been a couple of periods where I’ve contacted her and it’s been all rainbows and smiles for about a day and then over time the venom just seeps back through the exterior. Haven’t spoke to her in about 4 years now.
She tried to contact me on social media just before lockdown and I blocked her. She did the same with my brother and said how much she loved us etc
my sister has PTSD as a result of her upbringing and I’ve suffered with my mental health since I left.
Dad left when I was a baby. Had small bits of contact with him until one day he cut his landline off and moved away without telling us.
Tried bonding with him at 24 which was just a disaster. He didn’t know anything about me, didn’t know how old I was. He lives about 2 miles down the road and I haven’t seen or heard from him in 3 years as the novelty wore off for him and I was sick of him trying to score points against my mum despite them being both as toxic as each other.
Everything I’ve witnessed has taught me how not to be a parent. I’d die for my children and I haven’t even had any yet.
I moved far far away from my narcissistic mother 10 years ago after such a toxic childhood (my older siblings did the same so she’s the common denominator)
There have been a couple of periods where I’ve contacted her and it’s been all rainbows and smiles for about a day and then over time the venom just seeps back through the exterior. Haven’t spoke to her in about 4 years now.
She tried to contact me on social media just before lockdown and I blocked her. She did the same with my brother and said how much she loved us etc
my sister has PTSD as a result of her upbringing and I’ve suffered with my mental health since I left.Dad left when I was a baby. Had small bits of contact with him until one day he cut his landline off and moved away without telling us.
Tried bonding with him at 24 which was just a disaster. He didn’t know anything about me, didn’t know how old I was. He lives about 2 miles down the road and I haven’t seen or heard from him in 3 years as the novelty wore off for him and I was sick of him trying to score points against my mum despite them being both as toxic as each other.
Everything I’ve witnessed has taught me how not to be a parent. I’d die for my children and I haven’t even had any yet.
Yes! Narcissistic father. Very controlling childhood never knew what mood he would be in. Me and my sisters used to look forward to him working away on weekends as the rest of the time we were walking on egg shells. Disappointed with us for being girls, called my sister a pig in the middle of the pub. We finally left him after this but mum allowed him to dip in and out so he couldn’t use it as another victim excuse. Made me pay for a school bag aged 10 (he wasn’t short on money), Abandoned me at a motorway services where I worked with no way home because he had a better offer, was supposed to help me move again had a better offer so didn’t help. Then this year he told us he had hidden a relationship for 2 years, told us he doesn’t love her and it won’t move any further but wanted us to meet her.
I had my first child in December via c section so I wasn’t feeling great afterwards. He came to the hospital stayed 10 minutes told us he was hungry and asked where could he eat, Came over a few weeks later ruined my birthday cause he was hungry and didn’t want to wait so left. Then 2 weeks later the relationship was revealed, that’s when I finally thought how could he treat his children like this. I love my baby so much and could never fathom all that he did so I told him I hope you’ll be happy but I’m not having anymore contact with you. Blocked him on everything.
A month later when he knew my mum would be away he turned up at my house, expected me to run round after him fixing him food and drinks needless to say I didn’t. We then had chat about how I was feeling and what I wanted from him if he was going to be in mine and my child’s life. He basically said he’s done nothing wrong ever, expected me to send him some professional photos of her we had done and left. He is blocked on everything, he had made his mother call me cruel and evil, sent the baby presents which I give to charity, a cheque I’ve binned as he kept checking if I’d cashed it (money is power to him), my grandma got him to send some flowers but couldn’t even write that he was sorry in the card so she’s given up on trying to make me forgive him. His latest ploy was to say he wanted to give my daughter £2000 only if me and my partner would meet with him and sign some paperwork, also sold a property but wanted me involved so I’d speak to him. I’ve turned both offers down. Also my sister he called a pig in childhood has now cut him off.
Its hard at the beginning because they make you second guess yourself but your life will be more peaceful in a few months. I still dread occasions and birthdays but that’s a small price to pay for peace the rest of the year.
I had my first child in December via c section so I wasn’t feeling great afterwards. He came to the hospital stayed 10 minutes told us he was hungry and asked where could he eat, Came over a few weeks later ruined my birthday cause he was hungry and didn’t want to wait so left. Then 2 weeks later the relationship was revealed, that’s when I finally thought how could he treat his children like this. I love my baby so much and could never fathom all that he did so I told him I hope you’ll be happy but I’m not having anymore contact with you. Blocked him on everything.
A month later when he knew my mum would be away he turned up at my house, expected me to run round after him fixing him food and drinks needless to say I didn’t. We then had chat about how I was feeling and what I wanted from him if he was going to be in mine and my child’s life. He basically said he’s done nothing wrong ever, expected me to send him some professional photos of her we had done and left. He is blocked on everything, he had made his mother call me cruel and evil, sent the baby presents which I give to charity, a cheque I’ve binned as he kept checking if I’d cashed it (money is power to him), my grandma got him to send some flowers but couldn’t even write that he was sorry in the card so she’s given up on trying to make me forgive him. His latest ploy was to say he wanted to give my daughter £2000 only if me and my partner would meet with him and sign some paperwork, also sold a property but wanted me involved so I’d speak to him. I’ve turned both offers down. Also my sister he called a pig in childhood has now cut him off.
Its hard at the beginning because they make you second guess yourself but your life will be more peaceful in a few months. I still dread occasions and birthdays but that’s a small price to pay for peace the rest of the year.
Narcissistic mother and the biggest help was moving out of the house. I moved out at 18 for uni and it was the best thing ever.
It feels like an awkward topic and one of those things other people play down as "Oh they're your parents" - I used to feel so guilty when people would say things like that to me, like maybe I was exaggerating or things weren't as bad as I made out. Until I found others, like the people here, who had similar experiences.
It feels like an awkward topic and one of those things other people play down as "Oh they're your parents" - I used to feel so guilty when people would say things like that to me, like maybe I was exaggerating or things weren't as bad as I made out. Until I found others, like the people here, who had similar experiences.
This makes me so angry! People say that to me if the subject is ever talked about (rarely, I don't want to discuss this with anyone). Not every parent is a parent worth calling mum or dad or getting them presents and cards on Mothers or Fathers day. But if you've never been in that situation and all you know is a loving home then no you won't understand but in that case you should shut your trap!
I had no luck with either of my parents my mum was horrible but she did have both physical and mental illnesses. My dad on the other hand? Just cannot comprehend the way he treated us. He worked away a lot and when he wasn't working away he was on holidays with his mistress (this all the while married to my mum and supposedly living at home). My mum knew about the affair and took it on us. On the days she was physically too weak to beat us she would tell my dad what bad things we had done while he was away and then she watched him beat us.
My mum couldn't work because of her condition so she was on benefits, my narcissistic dad did pay for the house but nothing else so while he was travelling the world living a life of luxury my mum was left on the poverty line with 2 kids. How someone does that i will never know.
My mum is dead now which to be honest was a huge relief, and I moved several hours away from my dad and only see him once or twice a year. He has been not too bad lately but in the past, certainly around my wedding was the worst time he will send me abusive emails and call me drunk and just say really bad things. I won't ever visit him without my husband because he will physically hurt me if I do but he won't do it in front of my husband. He also rules with money he will send money all the time and then I owe him to listen to his abuse. Quite honestly I can't wait for the day he dies.
Yeah 5 years ago lent my mom £2,000 for my sister as she was in trouble. Since then sister has been on 2 holidays to Dubai, 1 sking holiday a year, extension on the house, and a brand new Range Rover. I finally spoke to my dad about it (he had no clue about the money) and then asked mom about it, which she has said was for an aunt and not my sister and that I will get the money back at the end of the month.
I’m fed up with struggling all the while my sister gets everything from Financial help and free baby sitting from my parents. The double standard are mind blowing
I’m fed up with struggling all the while my sister gets everything from Financial help and free baby sitting from my parents. The double standard are mind blowing
absolutely. It’s very lonely when you first confront the reality of your parents. The general consensus is that abuse is purely physical/sexual. Almost everything else is brushed aside and you’re expected to put up with it in the name of family. I’d go as far as to say most people never realise how dysfunctional and harmful their parental relationships are. It was only with therapy that I realise just how badly neglected I was and how seriously unfit my mother was to be anything approaching a functional parent. My therapist was shocked.
I feel your pain everyone. I had a mother with narcissist personality disorder. She was a nightmare - selfish, manipulative and with an explosive temper. She set me and my sisters against each other and told endless lies. My father died young so she was in sole charge of us.
She had the emotional intelligence of a six year old. I never liked or trusted her but learned never to argue. It was only when I was in my fifties that I realised that she had a personality disorder. I read every book on the subject. There are some excellent ones around. Toxic Parents: Overcoming their hurtful legacy and reclaiming your life by Susan Forward is a good one. Also Will I Ever be good enough by Dr Karyl McBride.
I learned how to deal with her and eventually cut her off when even that didn't work. She is now dead. She caused enormous unhappiness to our family and I am now healing from her brutality.
I would highly recommend reading up on the subject and practising self care. Do not listen to people who don't understand. They don't have a clue.
Good luck everyone. This is an important subject.
She had the emotional intelligence of a six year old. I never liked or trusted her but learned never to argue. It was only when I was in my fifties that I realised that she had a personality disorder. I read every book on the subject. There are some excellent ones around. Toxic Parents: Overcoming their hurtful legacy and reclaiming your life by Susan Forward is a good one. Also Will I Ever be good enough by Dr Karyl McBride.
I learned how to deal with her and eventually cut her off when even that didn't work. She is now dead. She caused enormous unhappiness to our family and I am now healing from her brutality.
I would highly recommend reading up on the subject and practising self care. Do not listen to people who don't understand. They don't have a clue.
Good luck everyone. This is an important subject.
I don't know if you've ever read about the family dynamics in narcissistic controlled families, but this is a classic case of golden child and scapegoat. Do some research there are some great resources on Youtube etc and you will be able to understand the situation better and hopefully distance yourself a bit from these people.
Really helpful to read these posts thank you. Narc Mum and alcoholic Dad. Cut my Dad off 19 years ago and reduced contact with my Mum 15 years ago. Best thing I could have done.
Sometimes I look at friends and think they are so lucky to have normal parents. I never had that. I had parents who embarrassed me my whole life.
Sometimes I look at friends and think they are so lucky to have normal parents. I never had that. I had parents who embarrassed me my whole life.
Both me and husband have had enough and are waiting for the money then we will be distancing ourselves from them. There have been many more things like paying for her wedding (over £30,000), buying her first car (brand new mini), while I got my nans old car. I supported myself through uni to become a nurse and she’s just a hairdresser and her husband is loaded
sounds like my mom. She has the most vile temper and will blow up at any perceived slight. And she perceives EVERYTHING as a slight.
Being around her is like navigating the emotions of a toddler. For my whole life I had to be acutely attuned to her moods lest I set her off on a rage. Talk about walking on eggshells. She is a giant baby and I am so glad I have come to my senses.
this really is such an important subject as our relationship with our family sets the tone for our future relationships. It’s no shock that my first serious relationship was deeply dysfunctional and emotionally and psychologically abusive. I didn’t even realise my ex was abusive until way after we broke up and I had therapy. How could I possibly recognise abuse when it was all I’d ever known from my own family dynamic? It was just normal to me.
I do yes!
So much of this thread resonates with me. My parents should never have had children, they were both manipulative and heavy drinkers. My Dad threw a tantrum the other day and he was like a toddler. He's 70.
Narcissistic mother whom I still have a relationship with (better with distance which we now have), and a deadbeat father who I have had no relationship with since I was 13. My mum has toned it down a lot in recent years, but I’m guessing it’s because I have children now and she fears being cut out of their lives more than mine.
It is so interesting as often it seems the mum is the narc more so than the dad.
My Mil is a huge narc and major Catholic guilt tripper... All the "you haven't called me for a week, you wouldn't care if I died" bullshit. It goes all the way back to my husband and SILs childhood. She sent my husband an email about all the thing he had done "wrong" from aged 13, he's in his 40s now. Off her head. He went no contact with her for over a year. He speaks to her now but sets major boundaries and if she over steps them he cuts her out. We also live very far away so that helps too.
My Mil is a huge narc and major Catholic guilt tripper... All the "you haven't called me for a week, you wouldn't care if I died" bullshit. It goes all the way back to my husband and SILs childhood. She sent my husband an email about all the thing he had done "wrong" from aged 13, he's in his 40s now. Off her head. He went no contact with her for over a year. He speaks to her now but sets major boundaries and if she over steps them he cuts her out. We also live very far away so that helps too.
I work in a care home and I’ve seen a lot of that with some of our elderly residents (usually it’s the women). The guilt tripping of the grown up children, it’s awful. It’s usually the ones of sound mind too, who don’t have dementia but are frail and incapable of looking after themselves. I feel bad for them that they have to be in a care home in the first place when they don’t want to be, but feel worse for their children having to go home at night feeling terrible about leaving them there after the way they’ve been spoken to. Many of these people have careers and children of their own to raise, they will feel guilty enough about not being able to care for their parent by themselves.
A lot of people say “if my mum/dad ends up ill/with dementia/etc then I will never put them in a care home, I’ll look after them myself at home.” And that’s a nice sentiment but often these people don’t realise how hard that can be until they’re in that position of care. It’s 24/7. You have to put your own life on hold and it is exhausting and complex.
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It took till aged 40 to finally become estranged from my Mother. I wish I had the balls to do it when I was 20! I am so much more content without her in my life, which is sad, but true.
I actually feel sad for her now that I have the benefit of distance and time; she was unable or unwilling to recognise the impact of how she parented me or my siblings, and perpetuated her own quite emotionally cold childhood on us.
My advice would be to read up about it, access some therapy if you can, and distance yourself from them.
I actually feel sad for her now that I have the benefit of distance and time; she was unable or unwilling to recognise the impact of how she parented me or my siblings, and perpetuated her own quite emotionally cold childhood on us.
My advice would be to read up about it, access some therapy if you can, and distance yourself from them.
The first thing for me was acceptance. My therapist actually said "oh my G-d" when I talked about my father in our very first session. I always used to think that I had been mentally ill as a kid and that it had been my fault. Close to four years in therapy made me realize that even my behaviors as a child (panic attacks) was all a response to the way I had grown up.
I grew up in a home where domestic violence and being mocked, physically hit with objects and being sworn at was normal. I don't have a single memory of being hugged or played with or read to. I kept going back hoping that my father would change- but I know now at the age of 28 that he never will . The longest period he's been nice to me has been around 13 days. My last visit in august I was called a "f**king witch" for showing him a game of thrones clip. It really does hurt but less so now. Father's day used to be a trigger for me but I have sent messages to the man who has been like a father for me instead. I sent a Happy birthday message on his birthday, because I felt guilty, but I don't feel like he has ever know me or been there for me whilst I was growing up. He does throw money at me which is his way of saying he cares. I don't think that aching goes away though. I've been a poster child for a girl with daddy issues.
I don't feel close to mother but our relationship is a bit better. I am still financially dependent on my family as I'm still studying for my last degree but I would agree with boundaries being the main thing and distance being the two main things.
I grew up in a home where domestic violence and being mocked, physically hit with objects and being sworn at was normal. I don't have a single memory of being hugged or played with or read to. I kept going back hoping that my father would change- but I know now at the age of 28 that he never will . The longest period he's been nice to me has been around 13 days. My last visit in august I was called a "f**king witch" for showing him a game of thrones clip. It really does hurt but less so now. Father's day used to be a trigger for me but I have sent messages to the man who has been like a father for me instead. I sent a Happy birthday message on his birthday, because I felt guilty, but I don't feel like he has ever know me or been there for me whilst I was growing up. He does throw money at me which is his way of saying he cares. I don't think that aching goes away though. I've been a poster child for a girl with daddy issues.
I don't feel close to mother but our relationship is a bit better. I am still financially dependent on my family as I'm still studying for my last degree but I would agree with boundaries being the main thing and distance being the two main things.
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