Narcissistic and Toxic parents.

[blueblueindigo]

Does anyone else feel this real emptiness and longing for something they never had?

when I was growing up, I saw my classmates being picked up from school by their parents and I heard them talking about their happy home lives and I used to feel so jealous, I just wanted what they had.

I’ve posted my story earlier in this thread, but my mum brought me up alone and I had a difficult and unloving relationship with both parents.

even now when I look at happy families or when I see pictures of my old classmates with their families, I just feel sick, I just want what they had so badly. I just always feel so empty. I have a longing for something I’ll never have.

Oh for sure, it was always quite a shock visiting friends houses with parents who had their own fulfilling lives and hugged, nourished their children with opportunities and kindness. In fact, my parents used to mock my friend's parents, and also had this quirk where they made themselves seem more cultured, loving, educated, sporty etc than in reality they actually were, insecurity maybe?

I guess the biggest hurdle in my life right now is accepting that my mother will never change as a person, and I'm only hurting myself by longing & hoping she does.

 

[Meringue22]

My mum lives with me. I asked her 3 days ago to stop going upstairs. I don’t like it and nor do my kids. She creeps around when we are sleeping and invades our space. She screamed and shouted like a banshee and hasn’t spoken to me since. A narc at its best doesn’t matter that i’m going through a divorce. It all about her

 

[no-no]

I wrote a longer post but deleted, wondered if anyone else experienced this kind of thing, one of the more milder instances…

Just watching my nightly narcissist vids on YouTube and this one’s about females. Suddenly remembered a memory from growing up where if I came home from school and mentioned a friend was going on holiday I’d get a torrent of abuse “they have good dads who work hard and provide money!!”, it was never “oh nice, where is so and so going?”. This was happening when I was no older than 7 and was very confusing as it would be followed by silent treatment. I quickly learnt never to mention such (innocuous) things. I never brought friends home because of her drinking and she’d tell anyone who’d listen that I had none.

 

[Rodneytrotter]

I wrote a longer post but deleted, wondered if anyone else experienced this kind of thing, one of the more milder instances…

Just watching my nightly narcissist vids on YouTube and this one’s about females. Suddenly remembered a memory from growing up where if I came home from school and mentioned a friend was going on holiday I’d get a torrent of abuse “they have good dads who work hard and provide money!!”, it was never “oh nice, where is so and so going?”. This was happening when I was no older than 7 and was very confusing as it would be followed by silent treatment. I quickly learnt never to mention such (innocuous) things. I never brought friends home because of her drinking and she’d tell anyone who’d listen that I had none.

Ah so sorry you had that flash back. Makes you sad for your child self doesn't it. My mum was the same except she'd have said the holiday sounds rubbish and slagged of the family for going on tit holidays to tit places (even if it was a nice place). Do you think she told everyone you didn't have friends to mock you?

 

[mcfeez]

I wrote a longer post but deleted, wondered if anyone else experienced this kind of thing, one of the more milder instances…

Just watching my nightly narcissist vids on YouTube and this one’s about females. Suddenly remembered a memory from growing up where if I came home from school and mentioned a friend was going on holiday I’d get a torrent of abuse “they have good dads who work hard and provide money!!”, it was never “oh nice, where is so and so going?”. This was happening when I was no older than 7 and was very confusing as it would be followed by silent treatment. I quickly learnt never to mention such (innocuous) things. I never brought friends home because of her drinking and she’d tell anyone who’d listen that I had none.

My mum had similar reactions to news like this yes, she still does even now. Anything good that happens to other people she also tries to play it down, criticise it i.e. in the case of holiday "Imagine how much that would have cost!" "Thats far too long to be on holiday for!"

 

[no-no]

Ah so sorry you had that flash back. Makes you sad for your child self doesn't it. My mum was the same except she'd have said the holiday sounds rubbish and slagged of the family for going on tit holidays to tit places (even if it was a nice place). Do you think she told everyone you didn't have friends to mock you?

Thanks, it does - I’m trying to work on parenting the inner child so am acknowledging this kind of thing.

I think it was projection and for her to be perceived as a victim, she could switch on being gregarious so people would never think she had the problem. It was crazy-making too as most of her friends were my friends parents so figure that one out She’d get very jealous if I wanted to go to sleepovers and would make excuses why I couldn’t stay over. I remember being asked once when we were at someone’s house and jumped at the chance but she shot me a dagger and said we had this thing so I couldn’t. I was feeling fed up and said we didn’t but she said we did so I got scolded on the way home and the silent treatment after. I think it’s part of why I struggle with friends now because there was a lot of shaming when I tried to socialise/be away from her.

My mum had similar reactions to news like this yes, she still does even now. Anything good that happens to other people she also tries to play it down, criticise it i.e. in the case of holiday "Imagine how much that would have cost!" "Thats far too long to be on holiday for!"

This sounds very familiar! A celeb loses weight “pfft, she’s still fat”. Always very critical, it’s so tiring being around the negativity.

 

[Thank(space)you]

Getting bombarded with messages eluding to her trying to kill herself. Talking about back when my dad was alive and he used to beat the tit out of her
Yesterday it was her sending presents to my child via one of my sisters.
Phone is going off I'm going to sleep.

 

[Rodneytrotter]

Getting bombarded with messages eluding to her trying to kill herself. Talking about back when my dad was alive and he used to beat the tit out of her
Yesterday it was her sending presents to my child via one of my sisters.
Phone is going off I'm going to sleep.

Can you block her number?

 

[Thank(space)you]

Can you block her number?

I really should tbf

 

[Meringue22]

Day 5 of my mum ignoring me only this time, unfortunately for her, it’s not having the usual desired affect…..and it feels great

 

[Blonde123]

Day 5 of my mum ignoring me only this time, unfortunately for her, it’s not having the usual desired affect…..and it feels great

Mine went silent for two days because I hired a babysitter. She’s our go to for babysitting but couldn’t babysit for a special occasion so instead of not celebrating we got a babysitter and went out. Could tell she disapproved.

 

[Meringue22]

Mine went silent for two days because I hired a babysitter. She’s our go to for babysitting but couldn’t babysit for a special occasion so instead of not celebrating we got a babysitter and went out. Could tell she disapproved.

Really?! That’s a tad petty!

 

[Eureka]

I opened up about abuse I had experience as a child, unable to at the time... she said I was lying, and then victim blamed me. I couldn't talk about what happened at the time because well, she was the same person back then, the only difference is that I can discuss such an event as it no longer pains me. She's a very ignorant woman, who likes to belittle others and does not take well to be called out on it at the best of times, but her comments and behaviour were really shocking today and it hit home that she's just not a decent person, nor has any intention on reflecting, understanding and growing.

Here's to rising above them, no matter how many lies they tell others about us, how many tears they have caused us, how they manipulate and misinterpret in order to never take responsibility for their awful behaviour, how powerless we have felt and incapable, how they make everything about them.... we are all better people, capable of achieving our own goals and seeing such relatives for the disappointments they are x

The exact same thing happened to me. Called a liar followed by victim blaming. I believe you and I’m sorry this happened to you x

 

[DCICassieStuart]

The exact same thing happened to me. Called a liar followed by victim blaming. I believe you and I’m sorry this happened to you x

Happened to me too. I was told I was a liar and that "None of that ever happened".

 

[Kim Mild]

Mine went silent for two days because I hired a babysitter. She’s our go to for babysitting but couldn’t babysit for a special occasion so instead of not celebrating we got a babysitter and went out. Could tell she disapproved.

I wish I could get a babysitter or even substitute grandparents.

In a way my eldest fills the grandparent shaped gap for my little ones , although they don't babysit while I go out .

 

[Eureka]

I wish I could get a babysitter or even substitute grandparents.

In a way my eldest fills the grandparent shaped gap for my little ones , although they don't babysit while I go out .

I feel awful that my kids missed out on having a full quota of grandparents. There are so many lonely elderly people out there. There should be an adopt a grandparent scheme

 

[PrincessCharming]

I have a very close friend who is elderly and my kids’ adopted granny. My aunts and uncle are close to my kids too.

 

[Mustard]

I haven’t read this whole thread but wanted to flag up a recent podcast called Terrible, Thanks for Asking entitled Motherland with an interview with the author, Elisda Altman who has also written a book of the same name. It’s about her relationship with her narc mother.

 

[Rodneytrotter]

Happened to me too. I was told I was a liar and that "None of that ever happened".

Same, my mum told me that that's what males do. Dad told me to get some perspective as there's worse things going on in the world.

 

[DCICassieStuart]

Same, my mum told me that that's what males do. Dad told me to get some perspective as there's worse things going on in the world.

That's awful In my case, it was physical, mental and emotional abuse from both parents. My father was very physically violent towards me on a number of occasions. I was a small child at the time, probably around 7 or 8. I can remember one occasion where he literally kicked me down the hall to my bedroom and in doing so caught me between my legs. I can remember crying in my bedroom because I was afraid something was 'broken' (I was too young to know a whole lot about genitals, but I knew it hurt there (apologies if this is a bit TMI) I remember praying to God that if everything was okay I'd be 'a good girl' in future. I have no idea what I did that day that sent him off. Probably absolutely nothing because I was too scared of both of my parents to ever misbehave. My mother did what she always does. Close her eyes to everything and pretend it's not happening. 'God' didn't help me either and 35 years later still doesn't.

Philip Larkin certainly knew what he was talking about when he wrote "This Be The Verse"