Narcissistic and Toxic parents.

[Sosig]

Awful.

I moved far far away from my narcissistic mother 10 years ago after such a toxic childhood (my older siblings did the same so she’s the common denominator)

There have been a couple of periods where I’ve contacted her and it’s been all rainbows and smiles for about a day and then over time the venom just seeps back through the exterior. Haven’t spoke to her in about 4 years now.

She tried to contact me on social media just before lockdown and I blocked her. She did the same with my brother and said how much she loved us etc my sister has PTSD as a result of her upbringing and I’ve suffered with my mental health since I left.

Dad left when I was a baby. Had small bits of contact with him until one day he cut his landline off and moved away without telling us.

Tried bonding with him at 24 which was just a disaster. He didn’t know anything about me, didn’t know how old I was. He lives about 2 miles down the road and I haven’t seen or heard from him in 3 years as the novelty wore off for him and I was sick of him trying to score points against my mum despite them being both as toxic as each other.

Everything I’ve witnessed has taught me how not to be a parent. I’d die for my children and I haven’t even had any yet.

 

[cedarpeach]

Yes. I moved.....very very far away! Genuinely though, I had therapy and learnt to set really strong boundaries and have almost zero expectations of my mum. I’ve accepted now that she will never change and I’ll never have the mother I want or need. We still have a relationship, but it’s at a safe distance and I don’t discuss anything personal or let myself be trapped by guilt.

Distance is a real help. If I hadn’t moved so far away I don’t think I’d have even realised how bad a parent she really is.

There are some really good reddit forums about toxic, narcissistic, and/or borderline parents. They helped me massively. Worth checking out. what’s the issue with your parents?

 

[mcfeez]

Narcissistic mother and the biggest help was moving out of the house. I moved out at 18 for uni and it was the best thing ever.

It feels like an awkward topic and one of those things other people play down as "Oh they're your parents" - I used to feel so guilty when people would say things like that to me, like maybe I was exaggerating or things weren't as bad as I made out. Until I found others, like the people here, who had similar experiences.

 

[LittleMy]

It is so interesting as often it seems the mum is the narc more so than the dad.

My Mil is a huge narc and major Catholic guilt tripper... All the "you haven't called me for a week, you wouldn't care if I died" bullshit. It goes all the way back to my husband and SILs childhood. She sent my husband an email about all the thing he had done "wrong" from aged 13, he's in his 40s now. Off her head. He went no contact with her for over a year. He speaks to her now but sets major boundaries and if she over steps them he cuts her out. We also live very far away so that helps too.

I work in a care home and I’ve seen a lot of that with some of our elderly residents (usually it’s the women). The guilt tripping of the grown up children, it’s awful. It’s usually the ones of sound mind too, who don’t have dementia but are frail and incapable of looking after themselves. I feel bad for them that they have to be in a care home in the first place when they don’t want to be, but feel worse for their children having to go home at night feeling terrible about leaving them there after the way they’ve been spoken to. Many of these people have careers and children of their own to raise, they will feel guilty enough about not being able to care for their parent by themselves.

A lot of people say “if my mum/dad ends up ill/with dementia/etc then I will never put them in a care home, I’ll look after them myself at home.” And that’s a nice sentiment but often these people don’t realise how hard that can be until they’re in that position of care. It’s 24/7. You have to put your own life on hold and it is exhausting and complex.

 

[Curly Top]

I feel your pain everyone. I had a mother with narcissist personality disorder. She was a nightmare - selfish, manipulative and with an explosive temper. She set me and my sisters against each other and told endless lies. My father died young so she was in sole charge of us.

She had the emotional intelligence of a six year old. I never liked or trusted her but learned never to argue. It was only when I was in my fifties that I realised that she had a personality disorder. I read every book on the subject. There are some excellent ones around. Toxic Parents: Overcoming their hurtful legacy and reclaiming your life by Susan Forward is a good one. Also Will I Ever be good enough by Dr Karyl McBride.

I learned how to deal with her and eventually cut her off when even that didn't work. She is now dead. She caused enormous unhappiness to our family and I am now healing from her brutality.

I would highly recommend reading up on the subject and practising self care. Do not listen to people who don't understand. They don't have a clue.
Good luck everyone. This is an important subject.

 

[Sogdhitalley]

Anyone have these? How did you or do you deal with them?

 

[Unknown1]

Yes! Narcissistic father. Very controlling childhood never knew what mood he would be in. Me and my sisters used to look forward to him working away on weekends as the rest of the time we were walking on egg shells. Disappointed with us for being girls, called my sister a pig in the middle of the pub. We finally left him after this but mum allowed him to dip in and out so he couldn’t use it as another victim excuse. Made me pay for a school bag aged 10 (he wasn’t short on money), Abandoned me at a motorway services where I worked with no way home because he had a better offer, was supposed to help me move again had a better offer so didn’t help. Then this year he told us he had hidden a relationship for 2 years, told us he doesn’t love her and it won’t move any further but wanted us to meet her.

I had my first child in December via c section so I wasn’t feeling great afterwards. He came to the hospital stayed 10 minutes told us he was hungry and asked where could he eat, Came over a few weeks later ruined my birthday cause he was hungry and didn’t want to wait so left. Then 2 weeks later the relationship was revealed, that’s when I finally thought how could he treat his children like this. I love my baby so much and could never fathom all that he did so I told him I hope you’ll be happy but I’m not having anymore contact with you. Blocked him on everything.

A month later when he knew my mum would be away he turned up at my house, expected me to run round after him fixing him food and drinks needless to say I didn’t. We then had chat about how I was feeling and what I wanted from him if he was going to be in mine and my child’s life. He basically said he’s done nothing wrong ever, expected me to send him some professional photos of her we had done and left. He is blocked on everything, he had made his mother call me cruel and evil, sent the baby presents which I give to charity, a cheque I’ve binned as he kept checking if I’d cashed it (money is power to him), my grandma got him to send some flowers but couldn’t even write that he was sorry in the card so she’s given up on trying to make me forgive him. His latest ploy was to say he wanted to give my daughter £2000 only if me and my partner would meet with him and sign some paperwork, also sold a property but wanted me involved so I’d speak to him. I’ve turned both offers down. Also my sister he called a pig in childhood has now cut him off.

Its hard at the beginning because they make you second guess yourself but your life will be more peaceful in a few months. I still dread occasions and birthdays but that’s a small price to pay for peace the rest of the year.

 

[MaxieMoo]

Really helpful to read these posts thank you. Narc Mum and alcoholic Dad. Cut my Dad off 19 years ago and reduced contact with my Mum 15 years ago. Best thing I could have done.
Sometimes I look at friends and think they are so lucky to have normal parents. I never had that. I had parents who embarrassed me my whole life.

 

[Pears]

As a child I never wore underwear. My mum wouldn’t buy it for me. When I had my first period she had to buy pants for me. She was so angry about it. At age 14 when I used to go to the local youth club with my friends, I was wearing my school uniform. I used to lie and say it was because I got in late so didn’t have time to change. The truth was I owned one skirt and a pair of very tight jeans one blouse and a jumper. My parents wouldn’t buy me or my brother clothing. My gran knit us jumpers and cardigans. My mother worked as a barmaid. She used to get glammed up for her shifts. New clothes ever week almost, clouds of perfume, layers of make up. She would never let me wear any of her clothes. When I was 10 we went to visit one of my aunties who had a new hobby of dressmakin. She made me a beautiful pink spotted empire line dress that flared out when you span around. I wore it immediately. I felt like a Princess in it. We were going down some stairs in a department store later that day. I must have been smiling or fluffing out my new dress. My mum grabbed me roughly, her teeth were clenched together in a snarl and she said something very mean to me which I won’t repeat here. The next morning I couldn’t find my dress. It was gone. At first I thought someone had washed it. But it was gone, never saw it again. Even now, I wear the same clothing over and over again. A couple of weeks ago I got attacked by a man in out town centre. Ambulance staff had to cut my clothing off me. Police took some of it away for dna testing. The jumper I was wearing I had worn for seven years, almost everyday. I really miss it. I have a daughter. I don’t understand how my mum could have treated me that way. I would walk through fire fir mine.

 

[cedarpeach]

Narcissistic mother and the biggest help was moving out of the house. I moved out at 18 for uni and it was the best thing ever.

It feels like an awkward topic and one of those things other people play down as "Oh they're your parents" - I used to feel so guilty when people would say things like that to me, like maybe I was exaggerating or things weren't as bad as I made out. Until I found others, like the people here, who had similar experiences.

absolutely. It’s very lonely when you first confront the reality of your parents. The general consensus is that abuse is purely physical/sexual. Almost everything else is brushed aside and you’re expected to put up with it in the name of family. I’d go as far as to say most people never realise how dysfunctional and harmful their parental relationships are. It was only with therapy that I realise just how badly neglected I was and how seriously unfit my mother was to be anything approaching a functional parent. My therapist was shocked.

 

[Wophie]

Not sure really how to begin with this, but I feel really confused about my dad. He ticks all the boxes for being a narcissist, but he has never been OBVIOUSLY abusive (physical/calling nasty names) which makes me doubt everything.

My mum and dad are now divorced, but when they were together he constantly belittled her and wore her down to have no confidence. Her self esteem was so low and she wasn't able to be assertive in situations. She suffered from social anxiety and depression, and still does today, even though she eventually got out. I unfortunately suffer all of the above and I can only see my dad as the common denominator.

It started when I was about 10. I'd come home from school with a shining report apart from PE. He would never congratulate me, but instead make me spend my weekend throwing a ball in the garden over and over to become "perfect".

It got much worse as a teen. He would constantly belittle me for my choice in college course, telling me what I should do instead. I was studying special effects makeup but he wanted me to be a paramedic (huge respect to them, but it's no interest to me). I would get upset and feel like a failure, and he'd tell me I was being over sensitive and to grow up. He'd also tell me that the reason a couple of boyfriend's I'd had in school would dump me was because I was too emotional and "nobody likes that".
I was never allowed to express my opinion or explain myself in any way. He would always shout over me and not let me speak, resulting in me crying and him telling me to stop being so sensitive.
He could never be wrong. My grandma even told me she has only ever once managed to get him to admit he was wrong, and this was as a 10 year old.
I had my first daughter a few years ago, and in the later weeks of pregnancy I was becoming anxious at how I would get to the hospital once labour began as we do not drive. I asked him that IF he was available, could he please take me there (note, it was a big IF, I wasn't asking him to book time off work). He simply replied "book a taxi".
Once my daughter was born he made minimal attempts to see her. He would smugly as how I was because he said he KNOWS all about PND. He "knows" because his second wife had it severely and he still uses it against her and to make her appear incapable to this day - 16 years on.
He lives 2 miles from me and has only see my daughter about 5 times in the two years she has been alive. I know there has been a pandemic, but my in-laws have seen her double that and they live a 3 hour drive away. They just jumped at the opportunity when we had brief periods of lockdown easing.

The icing on the cake which has pushed me to actually connect the dots with all of this and realise what is happening to me is father's Day. I already hadn't seen him since a brief 2 minute doorstep chat in December. Two weeks before father's Day I put the feelers out and said if he'd like to meet up we can, but not until later afternoon as we would be busy in the day. He said he wanted to see me but refused to commit to a time.
Fathers day comes and at 11am I text to ask when he would be coming to our town. 5 hours later he gives me 1 hours notice to meet him at a local pub. I was currently bathing my daughter and needed to sort her tea out too, so asked if we could delay an hour. That's when he told me I was being difficult, didn't want to see him and was creating obstacles. I told him he's more than welcome to come to my house for a bit until my daughter is sorted then we can head out. He continued to tell me I was being difficult, all because I wouldn't do exactly as he wanted.
I was getting annoyed and upset at him refering to my daughter as an "obstacle", so I called him instead to talk. Well that did a lot of good because he said I'd also caused an obstacle by not.just being free for him all day long, and that taking my husband out for a meal was me causing yet again another obstacle.
I'm not proud but I had an emotional meltdown and shouted at him down the phone. I told him he's a shit dad and to fuck off. Then the rest of the night I got abusive messages telling me that I am immature, I only contact him when I want something (not true), I am inconsiderate and basically everything is my fault. He also said "well.im.sorry your highness I was sorting the boys [my brother's] out" in response to not letting me know when he wanted to meet up until an hour before. Also said that my stepmum is in hospital which has ruined his day and now I had totally ruined his chances of salvaging a good father's day. I tried to get out of him why my stepmum is in hospital and hoped she was ok, but that was ignored

Later on in the evening because I'm a fucking mug I messaged him to say sorry for shouting and swearing but I wish he'd make more of an effort with my daughter and I.

Did he respond? Did he fuck. Because my empathy got the better of me and I fell into his trap of being the one to say sorry.

Anyway this is the longest post I've ever made, so nobody has to read it. It was very therapeutic getting it all out and written down at least.

 

[SwipeUpsAndSellOuts]

Trigger warning ; abuse and suicide.
My mom was a narc. I also am seriously struggling in later life as all of this was my "normal"...
This is probably barely going to touch the surface but For as long as I can remember she told me the only reason I was here was because she didn't have another choice (she was 7 months gone when she discovered she was pregnant with me).. I always knew she hated me she never made it a secret but my younger brother was the golden child,. She was very cold and never ever hugged me or showed affection. She married when I was 5 and it was a very violent relationship. She always put her self and her needs first, they were alcoholics who spent their nights after work in the pub so from a very young age I was coming home to no parents, no food, sometimes if they had forgot to leave the door open I'd have to wait in the garden (I'd snuggle up with the dogs in their shed) until they got home, in all weather's until all times, when they finally got home they'd be too drunk to do much else but fight so there was never any food in and because of the uncertainty of eating at home I would try and eat wherever I was and in the end developed a very unhealthy obsession with food, she would call me a fat piece of pig shit almost daily and in turn my brothers would say it too. I spent my whole childhood tip toeing around her as her moods were so explosive and she was so violent. When I was 13 she attacked me (nothing unusual) and broke my arm. Long story short the neighbours rang the police an as a result me and my brother went into temporary Foster care. He soon returned but I was never welcome back, she blamed it all on me to anyone who would listen and the constant "I can't believe youve done this to your mom and told the police so many lies" made me want to die as no one understood the real her. Everything was a guilt trip with her and I even ended up feeling like maybe it was me? I stayed in Foster care until I was 16 and then got my own place. She would turn up once in a blue moon and never ever helped me I was alone at 16 with not a penny to my name (she had always been well established money wise) but would never help me with anything despite doing anything for her sons. Our relationship since then was sparse, She vehemently denied all of my memories and says I must be sick in the head to say these things which made it harder to care about her. I had my first son at age 20 and I seen a side to her I had never ever seen before she adored him. Would kiss and hug him shower him with love and then thats when I really thought wow it must be me... The next few years she put me through hell with her drinking, emotional abuse and wild BPD episodes. She went to jail for drink driving and whilst she was in I discovered I was having a girl.. The next time she rang I told her and she just put the phone down on me. I was so confused but after a while it became clear... Its because the baby was a girl.. She had not one bit of time for her like she did my son. The same with me and my brothers. I ended up cutting her off after the birth.. Fast forward to a year later (January 2020) and I got a call to say she had hanged herself. When I got to the hospital they had her on life support but it wasn't looking good due to the brain damage, I ended up being the next of kin and all further decisions were down to me. 5 days later the day before my 27th birthday I had to make the heart wrenching decision to withdraw her life support, my brothers whom she adored left and I lay with her whilst she died and it was honestly the closest I have ever felt to her and my heart broke all over again. I thought I'd mourned my mom years ago but clearly not. I planned and paid for the funeral single handedly and my brothers swanned up and took all the credit for "a beautiful send off..my whole family openly blaims me for her suicide and said if I hadn't stopped contact with her and the kids she would never of done this. I'm struggling with my thoughts of her, it's like a PP said since she's died iv put her on a pedastal and it's really an emotional roller-coaster. I loved her to death and I suppose somewhere in there she loved me too but it wasn't what it should of been. I'm in therapy and trying to overcome this professionally but I also get so jealous seeing other grown ups with wonderful parents. Because even when mine were here I wished they wasn't

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

Both of my parents are very toxic.

My dad never lived with my mum and me, he did spend a fair amount of time with me though as a young child. He always favoured my sister over me and allowed her to bully me even though she was 7 years older. She used to hit me and call me names and he did nothing about it. He would take us out together and buy her stuff and not me...

then when I was about 11 he got a girlfriend who had 3 kids, one being a girl in my year at school. He did everything for them, took them out places, took them to school, went to parents evenings, all things he never did with me... He also bought her daughter(the one in my year) a laptop for Christmas and he bought me a £1 deodorant set from Poundland... his girlfriend once asked him who did he love more, me or his dog, he just replied “well the dog has been there for me for a long time so” so basically the dog! As he clearly didn’t love me!

He never made any effort with me the whole time he was with her and when I was about 18 I had an argument with my sister and he took her side and never spoke to me again... apart from at his mum’s funeral, he acted the doting dad and then blanked me afterwards.

Then there’s my mum. She has really bad depression and is an alcoholic. When I was a child she would sometimes lie in bed all day and I’d have to fend for myself or I’d come home from school with my brother and she would be drunk at 4pm... she always put everything else first, my brother, her work, herself, i never felt like I mattered to her, she was too wrapped up in her own problems. She still hasn’t changed, I do most things for her now that her health is failing and she still makes me feel like I’m not good enough.

there’s so much more I could say, but i just wish I could have had a nice normal family. Neither of my parents were the hugging type, neither would they tell me they loved me or that they’re proud of me.

 

[LittleMy]

My biggest fear when having children was that I’d turn out just like my mother. I always strive to have an open and honest relationship with my children and love on them as much as I can, to show them the warmth that was lacking in my own relationship with my parents. I never want them to grow up feeling as worthless as I have/still do.

 

[Romeo1]

Do you ever wonder damn how amazing would I be if I had 2 supportive parents if I turned out ok basically on my own. It does make me sad sometimes. Opportunity s missed and taken away

 

[cedarpeach]

I feel your pain everyone. I had a mother with narcissist personality disorder. She was a nightmare - selfish, manipulative and with an explosive temper. She set me and my sisters against each other and told endless lies. My father died young so she was in sole charge of us.

She had the emotional intelligence of a six year old. I never liked or trusted her but learned never to argue. It was only when I was in my fifties that I realised that she had a personality disorder. I read every book on the subject. There are some excellent ones around. Toxic Parents: Overcoming their hurtful legacy and reclaiming your life by Susan Forward is a good one. Also Will I Ever be good enough by Dr Karyl McBride.

I learned how to deal with her and eventually cut her off when even that didn't work. She is now dead. She caused enormous unhappiness to our family and I am now healing from her brutality.

I would highly recommend reading up on the subject and practising self care. Do not listen to people who don't understand. They don't have a clue.
Good luck everyone. This is an important subject.

sounds like my mom. She has the most vile temper and will blow up at any perceived slight. And she perceives EVERYTHING as a slight.

Being around her is like navigating the emotions of a toddler. For my whole life I had to be acutely attuned to her moods lest I set her off on a rage. Talk about walking on eggshells. She is a giant baby and I am so glad I have come to my senses.

this really is such an important subject as our relationship with our family sets the tone for our future relationships. It’s no shock that my first serious relationship was deeply dysfunctional and emotionally and psychologically abusive. I didn’t even realise my ex was abusive until way after we broke up and I had therapy. How could I possibly recognise abuse when it was all I’d ever known from my own family dynamic? It was just normal to me.

 

[Chandler Bing]

Narcissistic mother and the biggest help was moving out of the house. I moved out at 18 for uni and it was the best thing ever.

It feels like an awkward topic and one of those things other people play down as "Oh they're your parents" - I used to feel so guilty when people would say things like that to me, like maybe I was exaggerating or things weren't as bad as I made out. Until I found others, like the people here, who had similar experiences.

This makes me so angry! People say that to me if the subject is ever talked about (rarely, I don't want to discuss this with anyone). Not every parent is a parent worth calling mum or dad or getting them presents and cards on Mothers or Fathers day. But if you've never been in that situation and all you know is a loving home then no you won't understand but in that case you should shut your trap!

I had no luck with either of my parents my mum was horrible but she did have both physical and mental illnesses. My dad on the other hand? Just cannot comprehend the way he treated us. He worked away a lot and when he wasn't working away he was on holidays with his mistress (this all the while married to my mum and supposedly living at home). My mum knew about the affair and took it on us. On the days she was physically too weak to beat us she would tell my dad what bad things we had done while he was away and then she watched him beat us.

My mum couldn't work because of her condition so she was on benefits, my narcissistic dad did pay for the house but nothing else so while he was travelling the world living a life of luxury my mum was left on the poverty line with 2 kids. How someone does that i will never know.

My mum is dead now which to be honest was a huge relief, and I moved several hours away from my dad and only see him once or twice a year. He has been not too bad lately but in the past, certainly around my wedding was the worst time he will send me abusive emails and call me drunk and just say really bad things. I won't ever visit him without my husband because he will physically hurt me if I do but he won't do it in front of my husband. He also rules with money he will send money all the time and then I owe him to listen to his abuse. Quite honestly I can't wait for the day he dies.

 

[jenna.maroney]

How do you all deal with them? My mum has narcissistic tendencies but isn’t cruel enough that I would consider cutting her out. However, she is very manipulative, jealous and incapable of doing any wrong all the while sending out an image to everyone else that she is a compassionate person who would do anything for anyone. I’ve always been seen as the problem and it’s only this past year I’ve come to realise that might not be the case and she is very clever at playing on my triggers. Most recently I’ve achieved something I’m quite proud of. Rather than be happy for me she has been offish and is now bringing up other things that I should be doing/aren’t doing right. And of course, it’s hurtful and sensitive for me therefore I bite and become the problem once again. It’s frustrating.

 

[rainbowlemon]

The first thing for me was acceptance. My therapist actually said "oh my G-d" when I talked about my father in our very first session. I always used to think that I had been mentally ill as a kid and that it had been my fault. Close to four years in therapy made me realize that even my behaviors as a child (panic attacks) was all a response to the way I had grown up.

I grew up in a home where domestic violence and being mocked, physically hit with objects and being sworn at was normal. I don't have a single memory of being hugged or played with or read to. I kept going back hoping that my father would change- but I know now at the age of 28 that he never will . The longest period he's been nice to me has been around 13 days. My last visit in august I was called a "f**king bitch" for showing him a game of thrones clip. It really does hurt but less so now. Father's day used to be a trigger for me but I have sent messages to the man who has been like a father for me instead. I sent a Happy birthday message on his birthday, because I felt guilty, but I don't feel like he has ever know me or been there for me whilst I was growing up. He does throw money at me which is his way of saying he cares. I don't think that aching goes away though. I've been a poster child for a girl with daddy issues.

I don't feel close to mother but our relationship is a bit better. I am still financially dependent on my family as I'm still studying for my last degree but I would agree with boundaries being the main thing and distance being the two main things.

 

[Ladyinred]

Yeah 5 years ago lent my mom £2,000 for my sister as she was in trouble. Since then sister has been on 2 holidays to Dubai, 1 sking holiday a year, extension on the house, and a brand new Range Rover. I finally spoke to my dad about it (he had no clue about the money) and then asked mom about it, which she has said was for an aunt and not my sister and that I will get the money back at the end of the month.

I’m fed up with struggling all the while my sister gets everything from Financial help and free baby sitting from my parents. The double standard are mind blowing