Narcissistic and Toxic parents.

[HitnMiss]

I found therapy to be very helpful. Being removed - stolen really - from my mother at birth had a profound impact on me (and her). I'm mostly okay thanks but found out recently that my bio father is a sexual predator. Makes my skin crawl.

The first meeting with a therapist is the hardest but it's not weird. It's like having a really wise friend who will definitely keep confidentiality and can help with practical advice.

 

[Eureka]

I went to therapy for something else but it all came back to my parent. It was very eye opening and helped me see things more clearly. Counselling also gave me tips on how to handle things like my own triggers, how to deal with family when they called etc. I feel in many ways I didn’t actually start living until I went to counselling.

 

[Good Egg]

Firstly, thankyou so much It was so nice to read this as you get it.
Your point about the moon and stars - so spot on. My sibling actually said something similar to her that if we rang her every day for 6 days and didn’t on the 7th she’d complain about how much we are terrible children, so you’re absolutely right.

Yes, her saying she wouldn’t even get the treatment was horrible. Even my partner got angry about that as he lost a parent and couldn’t fathom how she was even saying something like that to us. It hurt and thankfully she went through with it and is almost out the other side now and getting better which is good.

It really does hurt your heart and your head, doesn’t it? My partner has been really good in supporting me but I’m considering writing all of it down just to get it out of my head.

Thankyou again for being so kind X

Has anyone here been to therapy for their narc parents?

You are so welcome lovely.
I haven’t had therapy but I will not rule it out and eventually I think I will need to work on suppressed emotions more than anything.
You are lucky you have a supportive husband.
Take care x

 

[screamqueen]

I found therapy to be very helpful. Being removed - stolen really - from my mother at birth had a profound impact on me (and her). I'm mostly okay thanks but found out recently that my bio father is a sexual predator. Makes my skin crawl.

The first meeting with a therapist is the hardest but it's not weird. It's like having a really wise friend who will definitely keep confidentiality and can help with practical advice.

I’m so pleased you’ve found it helpful, and thanks for your insight on the first meeting - I think that’s what I was concerned with so good to hear your thoughts on it.
Sounds like you have really been through it and I’m so sorry to hear that recent news about your bio father - I can’t even imagine what you must be going through

I went to therapy for something else but it all came back to my parent. It was very eye opening and helped me see things more clearly. Counselling also gave me tips on how to handle things like my own triggers, how to deal with family when they called etc. I feel in many ways I didn’t actually start living until I went to counselling.

That’s really interesting that it all came back to the parent - I think a few things will come to light if I go down that route too. Good to hear it helped to give you tips on triggers too, that’s definitely something I could do with help with, it’s just so hard to not take everything to heart.
Glad it’s been helpful for you

You are so welcome lovely.
I haven’t had therapy but I will not rule it out and eventually I think I will need to work on suppressed emotions more than anything.
You are lucky you have a supportive husband.
Take care x

Thankyou again and I do hope you get the support you need too, look after yourself x

 

[beyondtired]

Bit of an odd one but my dad literally brainwashed me my whole childhood into thinking my mum didn’t love me-it’s not till now I’m an adult with my own children and years of counselling that I can see she did but he was a bully who would literally go out of his way to spoil any relationship I had with her out of jealousy. He would hit my mum and make me take sides... if it wasn’t his side I picked then he would tell me how disappointed he was as I was all he had... I remember being my daughters age (around 6) picking up clumps of her hair on the floor and handing it to her. Breaks my heart now thinking back to it.
Over the years the Physical violence towards her has stopped but He still very much bullies her.
ive had so many rows with him more recently and he hates it so much now I’m in my 30’s 2 kids and another one due in a couple of weeks and can see straight through him. No one can have a different opinion to him, all his side of his own family have gone off him because of the way he is.

He’s also spent the last 12 years lying to EVERYONE that he has a severe Life limiting illness That he would love to play on or throw at us as an excuse for his behaviour. Friends and family would come round and he’ll sit there pretending not to recognise them because of this illness when he could all along... he now says he never was diagnosed and that he never told us he was anyway (he 100% did) and that it was his medication causing the symptoms... he kept it up for years!!

my grandparents (Mums parents) died 4 months apart.... we was very close. Grandad died first suddenly Heart attack and then my nan 4 months later (we all say of a broken heart) of a stokethey were both fit and well before hand. When my Nan was on her deathbed he turned round to my partner and told him he can’t wait for her to die becausehe couldn’t stand her... my partner didn’t tell me for ages not wanting to cause upset at an already difficult time for my mum especially. But he doesn’t deny he said it when confronted.

 

[TheGlossy]

Narcissists always focus on one child and expect that one child to be everything they need them to be, meanwhile, other children can be coasting and slack, but certainly will never get any criticism.

My brother is 25, finished college and lives with my mother and two sisters who are still in school. Instead of stepping up like a grown up to find a job and help pay with the bills, he has been playing video games all night and sleeping all day for months. He's refusing to help me out with the legalities of the estate. He does absolutely nothing all day.

I'm having to juggle long hours and sorting out the estate on my own. I was kind enough to send my mother and food delivery as holiday gift and her response was: "At least your brother won't have to go to the store". He has a car and does nothing all day. He can afford to go to the store. Instead of thanking me, she said it relieved pressure on my brother.

She was panicking about some €500 debt my dad left behind and I managed to arrange a payment plan with the tax man on her behalf. I said I could possibly help with the first instalment, but she needs to exhaust all options first. The following day, she asked me to pay for it!

She can't even tell my brother to get a damn job! He's a grown man and lives with her. I live on my own overseas and have my own expenses to pay. She goes above and beyond to protect my brother by squeezing whatever she can from me. Smh. The golden child can do no wrong.

 

[Good Egg]

The sense of feeling alone.
Outsiders who have decent upbringings never quite get it.

There is always a drama and crisis - usually when something important is going on and the attention isn’t on them. It truly is exhausting.

I’m trying to get a diagnosis from the GP for Fibromyalgia. Tired (exhausted) all the time, brain fog, forgetting things, clumsiness (I bang cups on the worktop like my brain can’t figure out the distance?) I get headaches, back pain, shoulder pain. Numbness etc etc...

Over the last five years it’s taken it’s toll. I’m not sure whether it’s a mid life crisis or depression but I’ve lost all hope and feeling for everything which is deeply sad but I feel meh about it too. It feels like this is my life now. There is no hope for a future for me. They took that right from me.

I’m probably not making sense. Having a narc in your life is truly soul destroying - I’m just feeling the pain more today.

 

[no-no]

I’m probably not making sense. Having a narc in your life is truly soul destroying - I’m just feeling the pain more today.

You make complete sense Did anything trigger that for you today? I’ve had to deal with a few ‘crises’ this week and feel similar, tbh I couldn’t tell you the last time I even had a hug and worry if I’ll ever be able to trust anyone again. But I hope you still have a tiny glimmer of hope there? It can feel like our lives/existences are fixed because we’ve been hardwired to be extensions not individuals in our own right. I live a very isolated life and you’d wonder why from appearances, but the shame makes me hide away.

 

[Leelah]

Also just to offload a bit more
Does anybody find they start arguments with your kids (like being really unreasonable) and they start blaming you and saying you “can’t control” your own kids then I find myself in the middle of a brawl between NM and the kids.
I may go back and see my GP. My blood pressure is high again. I didn’t sleep well last night, everything seems to be getting on top of me...
Mental and physical exhaustion and dealing with toddler attitudes from NM is taking its toll. I wonder if I’m having a midlife crisis? I looked in the mirror and I cannot see myself? I don’t recognise the woman in the mirror anymore. My hair is turning grey, my youth is fading, I’m overweight (she likes me being in this box!) , it’s really sad. I’m single and have been for ten years. It’s easier that way. I get called all manner of names otherwise and get told he doesn’t want you etc etc...

Muddling through...



I’m crying because I feel a bit less alone and I’m sad you have it this way too... it’s very lonely sometimes

oh my god - yes!!!! i read something, they cant even be nice to us so don't expect them to be nice to your kids (always nagging at him when hes just playing - being a kid) and i find that true. Personally i view her as been a surrogate...she just birthed me that's all, but not my real mother....

 

[Sheabutter]

I’m not good at identifying how I’m feeling in general. I think I just live in this constant state of protect mode because of trauma and gaslighting growing up - and even as an adult. Now I have language for what it is I make a mental note of it in my head (“this is bullshit”) and discount whatever was just said. I’m processing my feelings around the crime in my neighborhood. It’s been getting worse throughout the pandemic where I spend mostly all of my time at home. When I leave the house there’s people who should be in mental asylums walking the streets. There are people who committed crimes, were arrested and released quickly because of new reforms to how the courts work. Nothing is being done to stop the stealing and violence. I don’t want to sell my home and move because the crime is temporary in the long run. This isn’t a way to exist though. If I say anything to either of my parents they’ll say to me I should move in with them which will be bad for my mental health. A woman my age was held up at gunpoint this week and I feel like I need to acknowledge how bad it is getting here. I haven’t said anything to anyone because I don’t want to be pressured to leave but at the same time I’ve eaten my body weight in snacks because I’m not actually processing what’s happened. I don’t know where I would move to even if I could. There are still many things I still love about where I live. I’m going crazy trying to figure things out on my own. If I had a normal upbringing I don’t think I would be so attached to my home here. There are so many resources that compensate for what I lacked growing up. I can’t give them up easily.

 

[Dollenganger]

My parents are both messed up people and they use me as a dumping ground for their unresolved issues. Particularly my mum. If she perceives any slight criticism directed at her, she flies into a rage and vows to get revenge on whoever said this to her.

I am also autistic so I’ve been bullied all my life by them but also need help. I have no siblings. They do something which is ostensibly helpful and in good grace, then later they throw it back in my face.

In my mid 20s, I suffered a severe breakdown and was hospitalised in a psychiatric unit with my 4 week old baby who is now 13. My mum said that she didn’t love this baby (her grandchild!) strangely enough, this daughter is now one of the most favoured grandchildren. My mum will deny that she ever said such a thing. It was the worst time of my life. My parents were the most nasty and abusive they’ve ever been. My marriage had broken up and I was living with them and it was awful. They were just so spiteful. I felt they hated me and wanted to destroy me. They would arrange meetings with my mental health team and then pick me to pieces in those meetings. The mental health professionals would say to me ‘stand up to them’. Not easy when you’re I’ll. When I was in the hospital, my psychiatrist would put me on home leave and my parents would refuse to come and pick me up.

The situation with my parents isn’t as bad as it was but I’ll never forget what they did. My mum is still very changeable and turns on me out of the blue.

I have also noticed that I attract abusive people. I’ve had a toxic male friend for about 14 years. It has taken me a long time to realise that he gaslights me. This morning he was saying to me that I should put up with the abuse from my parents because the things they’ve done for me offset the abuse! I got angry about this and he shut the conversation down and said I always have to be right.

Lately, he’s been propositioning me. I’m feeling angry now because I’ve realised that the only interest he’s ever had is getting into my knickers.

I have 4 children, all girls and we all get on so well. We never argue. I have tried hard to change things so that I don’t treat them the way my parents treated me. I know it sounds unusual for a family to not argue but we really don’t I’m sure I’m not a perfect parent but I can honestly say I love my children and I want them to have a happy life. My mum seems to get angry if anything nice happens to me.

Sorry for the long post. I feel better for getting that off my chest.

 

[Good Egg]

My parents are both messed up people and they use me as a dumping ground for their unresolved issues. Particularly my mum. If she perceives any slight criticism directed at her, she flies into a rage and vows to get revenge on whoever said this to her.

I am also autistic so I’ve been bullied all my life by them but also need help. I have no siblings. They do something which is ostensibly helpful and in good grace, then later they throw it back in my face.

In my mid 20s, I suffered a severe breakdown and was hospitalised in a psychiatric unit with my 4 week old baby who is now 13. My mum said that she didn’t love this baby (her grandchild!) strangely enough, this daughter is now one of the most favoured grandchildren. My mum will deny that she ever said such a thing. It was the worst time of my life. My parents were the most nasty and abusive they’ve ever been. My marriage had broken up and I was living with them and it was awful. They were just so spiteful. I felt they hated me and wanted to destroy me. They would arrange meetings with my mental health team and then pick me to pieces in those meetings. The mental health professionals would say to me ‘stand up to them’. Not easy when you’re I’ll. When I was in the hospital, my psychiatrist would put me on home leave and my parents would refuse to come and pick me up.

The situation with my parents isn’t as bad as it was but I’ll never forget what they did. My mum is still very changeable and turns on me out of the blue.

I have also noticed that I attract abusive people. I’ve had a toxic male friend for about 14 years. It has taken me a long time to realise that he gaslights me. This morning he was saying to me that I should put up with the abuse from my parents because the things they’ve done for me offset the abuse! I got angry about this and he shut the conversation down and said I always have to be right.

Lately, he’s been propositioning me. I’m feeling angry now because I’ve realised that the only interest he’s ever had is getting into my knickers.

I have 4 children, all girls and we all get on so well. We never argue. I have tried hard to change things so that I don’t treat them the way my parents treated me. I know it sounds unusual for a family to not argue but we really don’t I’m sure I’m not a perfect parent but I can honestly say I love my children and I want them to have a happy life. My mum seems to get angry if anything nice happens to me.

Sorry for the long post. I feel better for getting that off my chest.

I get this so much. I think you become accustomed to the narcissistic abuse and when it’s all you know you become easy to be manipulated. Partners, work colleagues, friends, many of whom are narcissistic. Lots of love x

 

[TheGlossy]

I get this so much. I think you become accustomed to the narcissistic abuse and when it’s all you know you become easy to be manipulated. Partners, work colleagues, friends, many of whom are narcissistic. Lots of love x

I second this. When all you've ever experienced is narcissism, you don't know what "healthy" and "sane" looks like, so you subconsciously choose to surround yourself with the same type of narcissistic energy because it's familiar. Anything healthy, you will try to sabotage because it seems foreign and uncomfortable to you.

 

[Dollenganger]

I second this. When all you've ever experienced is narcissism, you don't know what "healthy" and "sane" looks like, so you subconsciously choose to surround yourself with the same type of narcissistic energy because it's familiar. Anything healthy, you will try to sabotage because it seems foreign and uncomfortable to you.

I’ve had many opportunities to have relationships with caring men who are emotionally healthy and I tend to decide the dynamic isn’t right. I’m trying to go against that now though. Otherwise I’m going to be around abusive people for the rest of my life. As far as living goes, at least I only live with my children so they don’t see bad relationship examples. They are aware of my mums outbursts and their response tends to be because they know she’s abnormal.

 

[PrincessCharming]

I’ve had many opportunities to have relationships with caring men who are emotionally healthy and I tend to decide the dynamic isn’t right. I’m trying to go against that now though. Otherwise I’m going to be around abusive people for the rest of my life. As far as living goes, at least I only live with my children so they don’t see bad relationship examples. They are aware of my mums outbursts and their response tends to be because they know she’s abnormal.

I was like that until I met my husband. He fooled me, I thought he was a bad boy but he truly wasn’t.

 

[beyondtired]

Funny today is my birthday, and my dad wrote a massive post on his fb for my birthday but all About him. People who don’t know what our home life has been like etc commented saying how amazing he is, how he has their full respect etc proper rubbing his ego.....

I messaged him to thank him for my birthday card and birthday money (was actually from my mum really) took him all day to reply or even message me personally to say happy birthday... but had been online in the mean time to thank them for their kind words to him

 

[Chandler Bing]

Funny today is my birthday, and my dad wrote a massive post on his fb for my birthday but all About him. People who don’t know what our home life has been like etc commented saying how amazing he is, how he has their full respect etc proper rubbing his ego.....

I messaged him to thank him for my birthday card and birthday money (was actually from my mum really) took him all day to reply or even message me personally to say happy birthday... but had been online in the mean time to thank them for their kind words to him

Happy Birthday

 

[cuncuncuncucncnncncnc]

wow am I glad there's a thread on here about this I mean as far as im aware my dad is a huge narcissist, its so sad for me because I really want tot have a relationship with him but he's so self centred its actually scary. he's 50 doesn't have his own home has always been in trouble with the law has no job but thinks the sun shines out of his ass and everyone owes him something!

life happens and sometimes I cant meet him when said I would and this causes him to act like a child and not talk to me for weeks and talk about me to my sisters about how bad of a person I Am and how my anxiety is a lie etc when I never do any wrong to him. he's also so self obsessed he genuinely thinks he does no wrong when I could write. whole book how all the horrible things he's done.

he also has a child from another women, my half sister and she is his entire life looking on his Facebook you'd think he has one kid and is dad the year you wouldn't think he has 4 other kids! really makes me feel worthless. his whole routine revolves around her. I love her of course but I often feel disposable to him like as long as he just has her it doesn't matter.
does anyone else have someone in their family like this? make me so annoyed as its impossible to have a relationship

 

[Good Egg]

Funny today is my birthday, and my dad wrote a massive post on his fb for my birthday but all About him. People who don’t know what our home life has been like etc commented saying how amazing he is, how he has their full respect etc proper rubbing his ego.....

I messaged him to thank him for my birthday card and birthday money (was actually from my mum really) took him all day to reply or even message me personally to say happy birthday... but had been online in the mean time to thank them for their kind words to him

Happy Birthday

 

[TheGlossy]

My mom again ... I think I mentioned earlier that I was bending over & backwards for her following my dad's death (handling estate affairs, paying some of their debts, playing psychologist with her) when she's not shown an ounce of emotional support (body shamed me within 5 minutes of seeing me after 6 years of estrangement, complained about how things are not moving fast enough etc...).

More recently, I opened up to her about how exhausted I have been with all the estate stuff on top of my job and she dismissed me saying: "My friend texted saying they're coming over in an hour or two, so if I cut the conversation short in a little why, you know why". She didn't even acknowledged what I said at all. When I told her I didn't appreciate her response, she burst into tears saying nothing will ever replace my dad anyways (not sure what it has to do with what I was saying). Every single time I speak about my grief or pain, she dismisses me and turns the subject back to her. She keeps saying she's the only parent we have left. Quite frankly, I've never had a connection with her and whatever emotional tie I had to her died 6 years ago when I cut her off. I never wanted to reconnect with her and thus was imposed upon me after my dad's death.

I haven't spoken to her since the above episode two weeks ago. She knows full well I broke my phone and can't Facetime, so I have to pay to call her which is crazy expensive. I told her countless times I can't call until I get a proper phone because of how expensive it is and she keeps asking me to call to talk nonsense for two hours (what she ate or cooked, dismissing my emotions etc). I don't want to talk to her. I'm drained enough as it is.

Anyways, today my sister sent me an email today at 4pm while I was at work saying: "Mom asked you to call her to just talk, but she has a cold, so she doesn't have the strength to talk".

First of all, I don't appreciate being pestered during business hours for a non-urgent thing. Secondly, she knows I haven't bought a phone, so I'm not paying another €50 just to call her for 2 hours. Thirdly, what is this emotional manipulation of asking my sister to tell me she doesn't have the strength to talk because she has a cold, but asks me to call nonetheless? She thinks I'm suddenly going to panic and saying "she's the only parent we have left, so I better call her now because she has a cold". She has a cold, so what? She didn't feel sorry for me when I told her I was experiencing a severe burnout and ended up bedridden the following week. Why would I feel sorry a healthy 62 year old woman has a cold?

I've decided not to respond and when I respond, I'll just say I don't have a proper working phone still (which is true) and I'm busy at the moment. The emotional manipulation to get me to call has reached another level.

Last time she asked me to call her, she dismissed my feelings and drained me for two hours. Where is this friend of hers now? It's harsh, but I need to set strict boundaries. I don't appreciate getting pestered when I'm at work and her instilling fear by saying she has a cold so she doesn't have the strength is something else. She thinks now that we lost my dad, I'm suddenly going to live with the fear that she might pass too. Hum, no. It may be harsh, but I can't do this anymore for my own sanity.