Ive read the bottom one but I'll have a read of the top one next - thank you for the suggestion
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I feel like a deflated balloon these past two weeks since having to have increased contact with my mum. Drama, trauma and chaos. I still have to see her tomorrow and Monday and feel like my tank is on empty. If I had a £ for every snide comment e.g. I got something done which is usually awkward but it turned out nice and she replied “yeah, you’re always awkward” 
it’s like a reflex. She’s been telling anyone who’ll listen how awful my GC brother is, I’ve had daily reports of how nurses/call handlers/other random folk are telling her she is so wonderful.
Don’t know if it’ll be any use for anyone else who needs to speak to someone: https://napac.org.uk/calling-our-support-line/
it’s like a reflex. She’s been telling anyone who’ll listen how awful my GC brother is, I’ve had daily reports of how nurses/call handlers/other random folk are telling her she is so wonderful.Don’t know if it’ll be any use for anyone else who needs to speak to someone: https://napac.org.uk/calling-our-support-line/
Hi everyone, I’m relieved to find I’m not alone in all of this but also quite sad too. I’m struggling with my N.Mum currently; we moved away at the beginning of the year following the death of our daughter and death of my Papa. My Papa is my Mum’s dad, and she sees the fact that we have moved away as a personal attack on her. It’s not.
Our relationship hasn’t been great over the years but I’ve always tried as I’m an only child and I feel that I can cope with the emotional abuse so I can have a Mum and my Son have a Nana. Me moving away has really broken this. She won’t answer FaceTime calls from my son (she’s too upset to see him) and she won’t let me visit with him. The drive is two hours and I’m prepared to do it, but she is always busy, too sick or the dog is sick.
A few weeks ago she sent me a text saying that her neighbours were asking where I was and she was embarrassed as she didn’t know what I was doing and claimed that I’ve never offered to come back and see her. I sent her screenshots of every time and i got ignored. I nearly texted one of the neighbours saying if you’re that bothered, here’s where I moved to and here’s where I work. She didn’t answer the phone when my son had surgery as she had a fall that day (???). She likes to send my son expensive gifts through the post with a long winded card or letter; she forgets that he’s 5 and can’t read so clearly these letters are a guilt trip for me.
Mother’s Day was really hard because I lost my daughter back in September. I sent her cards from me and my son and I didn’t get a thank you. I got a lot of texts off friends making sure I was okay as it was my first one without my baby, but nothing from her.
oh I do have a Dad by the way, who is a huge enabler to this behaviour. I texted him the other day as we are both Foo Fighters fans and we loved Taylor Hawkins. I got nothing in return.
sometimes I send photos or videos of my boy and I don’t hear anything, which makes me sad. I have to be careful what I send as she will “play” the Live Photos that iPhones do; obviously I’ll say things to make my son look at the camera or prompt him to smile. This is the wrong thing as she will call the photo forced or question why there’s a cat on the bed in the background as LittleRen is asthmatic etc.
With my Papa dying, I offered to help so much including with emptying the house. My parents stated that it was so much work, it was hard on them emotionally and physically, they can’t cope. I offered for me and my husband to go, even my husband alone with my dad to do the manual labour and they refused the offer and then the messages.
Everyone says I ought to stop trying and they are probably right. I just can’t let go. I’ve read back over this and it just reads that she ignores me, so why am I bothering? I don’t know.
Our relationship hasn’t been great over the years but I’ve always tried as I’m an only child and I feel that I can cope with the emotional abuse so I can have a Mum and my Son have a Nana. Me moving away has really broken this. She won’t answer FaceTime calls from my son (she’s too upset to see him) and she won’t let me visit with him. The drive is two hours and I’m prepared to do it, but she is always busy, too sick or the dog is sick.
A few weeks ago she sent me a text saying that her neighbours were asking where I was and she was embarrassed as she didn’t know what I was doing and claimed that I’ve never offered to come back and see her. I sent her screenshots of every time and i got ignored. I nearly texted one of the neighbours saying if you’re that bothered, here’s where I moved to and here’s where I work. She didn’t answer the phone when my son had surgery as she had a fall that day (???). She likes to send my son expensive gifts through the post with a long winded card or letter; she forgets that he’s 5 and can’t read so clearly these letters are a guilt trip for me.
Mother’s Day was really hard because I lost my daughter back in September. I sent her cards from me and my son and I didn’t get a thank you. I got a lot of texts off friends making sure I was okay as it was my first one without my baby, but nothing from her.
oh I do have a Dad by the way, who is a huge enabler to this behaviour. I texted him the other day as we are both Foo Fighters fans and we loved Taylor Hawkins. I got nothing in return.
sometimes I send photos or videos of my boy and I don’t hear anything, which makes me sad. I have to be careful what I send as she will “play” the Live Photos that iPhones do; obviously I’ll say things to make my son look at the camera or prompt him to smile. This is the wrong thing as she will call the photo forced or question why there’s a cat on the bed in the background as LittleRen is asthmatic etc.
With my Papa dying, I offered to help so much including with emptying the house. My parents stated that it was so much work, it was hard on them emotionally and physically, they can’t cope. I offered for me and my husband to go, even my husband alone with my dad to do the manual labour and they refused the offer and then the messages.
Everyone says I ought to stop trying and they are probably right. I just can’t let go. I’ve read back over this and it just reads that she ignores me, so why am I bothering? I don’t know.
If anyone wants to hear something slightly funny.
The person who birthed me had sons before me and openly only wanted boys, I came along and ruined that and she was awful to me. I grew up, went NC and went on to have all boys myself and I know it must eat away at her. I got what she always wanted lol.
The person who birthed me had sons before me and openly only wanted boys, I came along and ruined that and she was awful to me. I grew up, went NC and went on to have all boys myself and I know it must eat away at her. I got what she always wanted lol.
I just feel so sorry reading your story. I’m sorry for the loss of your daughter. I’m sorry you have an awful mother who should be respecting and supporting your decisions but instead plays mind games. I’m so sorry. It’s awful how they are.
I’m struggling today.
It feels like I’m treading through treacle. It’s exhausting and hard sometimes to “carry on regardless” with all the toxic venom lingering.
I’m trying to carry on, trying to ignore.
The constant nagging, phonecalls, messages. When I first got a phone I actually had two phones. One she had the number to and the other was for friends. Simply because she’d always want to know where I was or what I was up to - even on nights out. Turning one phone off - keeping my ‘main’ phone on gave me freedom. Even as an adult she wants to know “what I’m up too” and if I don’t answer or if for some reason tell her - I’m lying?? Does anybody else get this? The narrative gets twisted to meet their expectations of you.
It’s soul destroying.
I even had her ring up my workplace and ‘complain’ about me. My manager was not impressed- she was on the phone for over an hour to my manager - who couldn’t get rid of her... it’s embarrassing. I was called in about it - as ever I made excuses where I shouldn’t have. I guess this is the abuse cycle and you make excuses to not cause further trouble. I wish I spoke out.
Also - finally, does anybody else think it’s them? The cycle of me thinking I’m ill. It must be me with issues. I lie sometimes (not all the time) to cover up so NM doesn’t find out too much about me, I keep a lot to myself out of fear - because I don’t want information to get back to NM. I find this very sad but it’s like a coping technique- I feel a lot of shame about this too.
Most days I don’t know who I am? I’m scared I’ll wake up one day and it’ll be my last - and I’ll have no happy memories, quite a few regrets about what I gave up for NM and in all honesty a life not fully lived because of NM and her ‘control’ over my thoughts
does that make sense?
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Yeppp. I’m sorry to turn this on me but you put into words everything I’m feeling atm. I’m confused with myself for not going no contact when I experience a shift in how I feel about myself after I interact with her. And even if I manage to pull back from those feelings, it doesn’t undo my teenage yearsMost days I don’t know who I am? I’m scared I’ll wake up one day and it’ll be my last - and I’ll have no happy memories, quite a few regrets about what I gave up for NM and in all honesty a life not fully lived because of NM and her ‘control’ over my thoughts
Big hugs to you. I’d consider seeding a story in my work place that she has dementia just to get some power back.
Also just to offload a bit more
Does anybody find they start arguments with your kids (like being really unreasonable) and they start blaming you and saying you “can’t control” your own kids then I find myself in the middle of a brawl between NM and the kids.
I may go back and see my GP. My blood pressure is high again. I didn’t sleep well last night, everything seems to be getting on top of me...
Mental and physical exhaustion and dealing with toddler attitudes from NM is taking its toll. I wonder if I’m having a midlife crisis? I looked in the mirror and I cannot see myself? I don’t recognise the woman in the mirror anymore. My hair is turning grey, my youth is fading, I’m overweight (she likes me being in this box!) , it’s really sad. I’m single and have been for ten years. It’s easier that way. I get called all manner of names otherwise and get told he doesn’t want you etc etc...
Muddling through...
Does anybody find they start arguments with your kids (like being really unreasonable) and they start blaming you and saying you “can’t control” your own kids then I find myself in the middle of a brawl between NM and the kids.
I may go back and see my GP. My blood pressure is high again. I didn’t sleep well last night, everything seems to be getting on top of me...
Mental and physical exhaustion and dealing with toddler attitudes from NM is taking its toll. I wonder if I’m having a midlife crisis? I looked in the mirror and I cannot see myself? I don’t recognise the woman in the mirror anymore. My hair is turning grey, my youth is fading, I’m overweight (she likes me being in this box!) , it’s really sad. I’m single and have been for ten years. It’s easier that way. I get called all manner of names otherwise and get told he doesn’t want you etc etc...
Muddling through...
I’m crying because I feel a bit less alone and I’m sad you have it this way too... it’s very lonely sometimesYeppp. I’m sorry to turn this on me but you put into words everything I’m feeling atm. I’m confused with myself for not going no contact when I experience a shift in how I feel about myself after I interact with her. And even if I manage to pull back from those feelings, it doesn’t undo my teenage years
Big hugs to you. I’d consider seeding a story in my work place that she has dementia just to get some power back.
@Good Egg Grateful for your posts 
My mom used to always start arguments with me out of nowhere. It was a daily occurrence from when I was 5 to the day I cut her off at 25. I specifically remember, I was 7 sitting on the floor and focused on a colouring book. She pushed me out of nowhere, took my markers and pencils and broke all of them in front of me. I couldn't stop crying. She did the same one afternoon when I was around 9/10 - I was making bracelets in my room and she kept calling me useless because I wasn't doing chores instead (even though she had never asked me to do any chores).
My mom would always pick up fights to find an excuse to hit me. Then, when I turned 18, she stopped hitting me and used the silent treatment instead. She would start ignoring me out of the blue for weeks on end. It was very destabilizing and messing with my mind a lot. It was her way to control me when she couldn't hit me anymore. Narcissists have a need for constant drama. They can't live without it.
I noticed she started doing the same to my youngest sister. I visited for the first time in 6 years a couple months ago and saw her picking up a fight out of nowhere with my youngest sister (who told me it was a constant). They always need a prey. When it wasn't me or my sister, it was my dad when he was alive and when it wasn't anyone in the family, it was the neighbours. She'd go out to the backyard and start calling them names. There wasn't a day that went by where she didn't pick up a fight with someone, anyone.
That said, I suspect she has some mental imbalance because people generally want peace.
My mom would always pick up fights to find an excuse to hit me. Then, when I turned 18, she stopped hitting me and used the silent treatment instead. She would start ignoring me out of the blue for weeks on end. It was very destabilizing and messing with my mind a lot. It was her way to control me when she couldn't hit me anymore. Narcissists have a need for constant drama. They can't live without it.
I noticed she started doing the same to my youngest sister. I visited for the first time in 6 years a couple months ago and saw her picking up a fight out of nowhere with my youngest sister (who told me it was a constant). They always need a prey. When it wasn't me or my sister, it was my dad when he was alive and when it wasn't anyone in the family, it was the neighbours. She'd go out to the backyard and start calling them names. There wasn't a day that went by where she didn't pick up a fight with someone, anyone.
That said, I suspect she has some mental imbalance because people generally want peace.
My mum is similar. Just nasty. Just wants arguments with everyone for absolutely no reason.
She hates her neighbours who, to their credit, still try to help her by doing her garden (she’s housebound and immobile now).
used to argue with random people in shops and literally slag them off till they heard.
it would help me if I could understand why she does this. I think she’s a narc or has HPD but I’ve no idea really. Not asking for answers - just that knowing why might help me be less angry with her
Growing up I always felt and knew something was different, I guess as a young child you see the world exactly how it is - people who were nice and kind, slagged off. I couldn’t understand the connection between a nice person being slagged off as being bad?
So it warped my own sense of understanding the world around me. I wouldn’t speak, I wouldn’t trust - everything is scary. It’s hard to explain to someone who hasn’t lived with a narc, they twist the narrative to suit them. They’d tell you the sky was purple and you’d believe it eventually
The rage, the big bulging eyes, the red face, spitting...
Utterly terrifying
So it warped my own sense of understanding the world around me. I wouldn’t speak, I wouldn’t trust - everything is scary. It’s hard to explain to someone who hasn’t lived with a narc, they twist the narrative to suit them. They’d tell you the sky was purple and you’d believe it eventually
The rage, the big bulging eyes, the red face, spitting...
Utterly terrifying
Yep. Same. I grew up very confused because I thought I knew the sky was blue but here was my mum and dad telling me it was purple and it was my fault that it was purple and if I got frustrated or angry about it, all hell would break loose.
so in time I just kind of accepted that it was my fault and had no self esteem
And even now I’m like “was I exaggerating? Was it my fault?”
I am so sorry about the passing of your daughter. I hope you’re looking after yourself x
No good deed goes unpunished ...
For Easter, we bought my narc mother some readymade meals from a local lady who makes them from a professional kitchen. I thought it was a thoughtful gift, especially considering how expensive everything is at the moment. If someone bought the same for me, I'd be delighted.
My narc mother said they were "interesting"; after probing her a bit further it turns out that she had one, decided she didn't like it so wouldn't like any of the others either, and threw them away!!!! My mother's tastes are very simple - meat and three vegetables-style meals, and that's what these meals were.
I am so, so furious. They cost just over NZ$125 for six mains and six desserts which is a LOT of money!
NO GOOD DEED GOES UNPUNISHED ...
For Easter, we bought my narc mother some readymade meals from a local lady who makes them from a professional kitchen. I thought it was a thoughtful gift, especially considering how expensive everything is at the moment. If someone bought the same for me, I'd be delighted.
My narc mother said they were "interesting"; after probing her a bit further it turns out that she had one, decided she didn't like it so wouldn't like any of the others either, and threw them away!!!! My mother's tastes are very simple - meat and three vegetables-style meals, and that's what these meals were.
I am so, so furious. They cost just over NZ$125 for six mains and six desserts which is a LOT of money!
NO GOOD DEED GOES UNPUNISHED ...
I sometimes wonder what on earth is going on.
Today, I spoke to my mom for the first time in weeks. I was saying I was really tired because I have to work 10+ hours a day + dealing with my dad's estate on her behalf and other things, so things have been difficult. She didn't even respond to this and just said: "I have a friend who is coming over, so just wanted to let you know in case I need to cut you short".
I said, OK, well you already have because I opened up to her and she didn't even acknowledge what I said. I told her it's not appropriate and noticed she always does that. What was her response? She started sobbing over the phone and when I asked what was going on, she said: "You know we lost your dad four months ago and I can't go on like this without him. I'm heartbroken".
I mean, I was just saying I was tired and she dismissed me to tell me her friend was coming over in 3 hours. I politely told her it hurt my feelings and she suddenly starts sobbing. Is she trying to make me think I was so mean to her it made her cry? I mean, she didn't even acknowledge it when I was pouring my feelings out and rudely said her friend is coming over. She always dismisses me when I talk about being sad or tired. I'm confused.
Then I tried to console her as she was sobbing. Then at the end of the call, she said: "Please tell me you're not mad at me". I just said: "Forget about it".
Today, I spoke to my mom for the first time in weeks. I was saying I was really tired because I have to work 10+ hours a day + dealing with my dad's estate on her behalf and other things, so things have been difficult. She didn't even respond to this and just said: "I have a friend who is coming over, so just wanted to let you know in case I need to cut you short".
I said, OK, well you already have because I opened up to her and she didn't even acknowledge what I said. I told her it's not appropriate and noticed she always does that. What was her response? She started sobbing over the phone and when I asked what was going on, she said: "You know we lost your dad four months ago and I can't go on like this without him. I'm heartbroken".
I mean, I was just saying I was tired and she dismissed me to tell me her friend was coming over in 3 hours. I politely told her it hurt my feelings and she suddenly starts sobbing. Is she trying to make me think I was so mean to her it made her cry? I mean, she didn't even acknowledge it when I was pouring my feelings out and rudely said her friend is coming over. She always dismisses me when I talk about being sad or tired. I'm confused.
Then I tried to console her as she was sobbing. Then at the end of the call, she said: "Please tell me you're not mad at me". I just said: "Forget about it".
Once this is all over with your dad's estate, please go back to no contact with your mum. This is not good for your (mental) health.
I wish I could give you a big hug.
Same here, @TheGlossy . I wish there was an eye roll reaction so I could use it for what your mum said.
One thing we must remember is, they will never change. Occasionally they might give you a tiny bit of hope that they are changing, but it never happens.
It's why I went all soft by gifting my mother the meals for Easter - we lost our dog suddenly a few weeks ago and out of the blue, she sent the most amazing - heartfelt - sympathy card saying so many lovely things.
But now, here we are again back at square one - with me feeling very pissed off about her throwing all the meals away, and feeling like a goose for even trying.
A friend recently told me about a site where mainly older women post about their children having called them narcissists, and bitching about what they (their adult children) do. I must hunt it out and have a good read.
My father died in the late '90s and my mother is still crying at every wedding anniversary, Christmas, his birthday (which she actually forgot one year and when someone asked her how she was feeling on that day, she asked why then suddenly realised her mistake and turned on the tears). I was quite young when my father passed and my mother never once asked me if I was okay. She made his death all about her. As she does with everything. And I'm really sorry to say, your mother is doing the same.
It's why I went all soft by gifting my mother the meals for Easter - we lost our dog suddenly a few weeks ago and out of the blue, she sent the most amazing - heartfelt - sympathy card saying so many lovely things.
But now, here we are again back at square one - with me feeling very pissed off about her throwing all the meals away, and feeling like a goose for even trying.
A friend recently told me about a site where mainly older women post about their children having called them narcissists, and bitching about what they (their adult children) do. I must hunt it out and have a good read.
Your mother is playing the game that all narcs do - she is trying to dismiss your feelings ... in her mind, her loss is greater than yours and you won't be hurting as much as her - which is just ridiculous! All the work you are doing with regard to his estate will be thankless. It'll just be taken for granted.
My father died in the late '90s and my mother is still crying at every wedding anniversary, Christmas, his birthday (which she actually forgot one year and when someone asked her how she was feeling on that day, she asked why then suddenly realised her mistake and turned on the tears). I was quite young when my father passed and my mother never once asked me if I was okay. She made his death all about her. As she does with everything. And I'm really sorry to say, your mother is doing the same.
@Chandler Bing @Sheabutter
Thank you so much for your kind words. I'm really hoping I will be able to go back to no contact because my mood shifted instantly after I spoke to her yesterday. I went from being completely OK to a severe low.
@1001 others That's it. You hit the nail on the head. She thinks her loss is greater than everyone's and makes it all about her. When she asked me to call yesterday and I politely did, she didn't even bother to ask me "how are you" and started talking about herself. I was playing therapist the whole time, meanwhile she dismissed my pain. She said people who don't have families don't experience grief and death (that's how unreasonable she is). She has friends coming to visit her, four children (including me who is bending over and backwards), a brother who visits her multiple times a week, family abroad who rings her all the time. She's ridiculous - she's very well-surrounded yet says she doesn't have a family. Death affects everyone, it doesn't pick and choose.
I made a kind gesture last week and sent my siblings some food delivery for the week because she doesn't have any income for now, so I thought I'd make a gesture. I mainly did this for my younger sisters in school because I know their fridge was empty. Her response was: "You did something good - at least your brother won't have to go to the shop". My brother is 25 and has a car, he can go to the shop. My brother is a grown man who just bums around playing video games all day. I was seriously baffled - no appreciation whatsoever. She's very selfish and her perimeter only includes her and my brother.
I hate to say this but I'm absolutely sick of her being back in my life and it's only been a couple of months.
Thank you so much for your kind words. I'm really hoping I will be able to go back to no contact because my mood shifted instantly after I spoke to her yesterday. I went from being completely OK to a severe low.
@1001 others That's it. You hit the nail on the head. She thinks her loss is greater than everyone's and makes it all about her. When she asked me to call yesterday and I politely did, she didn't even bother to ask me "how are you" and started talking about herself. I was playing therapist the whole time, meanwhile she dismissed my pain. She said people who don't have families don't experience grief and death (that's how unreasonable she is). She has friends coming to visit her, four children (including me who is bending over and backwards), a brother who visits her multiple times a week, family abroad who rings her all the time. She's ridiculous - she's very well-surrounded yet says she doesn't have a family. Death affects everyone, it doesn't pick and choose.
I made a kind gesture last week and sent my siblings some food delivery for the week because she doesn't have any income for now, so I thought I'd make a gesture. I mainly did this for my younger sisters in school because I know their fridge was empty. Her response was: "You did something good - at least your brother won't have to go to the shop". My brother is 25 and has a car, he can go to the shop. My brother is a grown man who just bums around playing video games all day. I was seriously baffled - no appreciation whatsoever. She's very selfish and her perimeter only includes her and my brother.
I hate to say this but I'm absolutely sick of her being back in my life and it's only been a couple of months.
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