Narcissistic and Toxic parents.

[MissMissMissy]

Gosh it makes me so sad that there are so many of us in this situation. My Mum is in full on narc mode today and we are getting ready to head up to her house for my sister’s birthday. The ‘sly dig’ messages started yesterday. She so desperately wants me up there early to help (you can’t help, you get barked at to do a job that you do wrong and she then does it anyway)

I’m getting my kids back from their dad early so they can come. When mum told me about this meal it was meant to be ‘4pm-ish’ so I agreed to have the kids back at 3. Now she’s like ‘your sister is already here’ at midday. I am already filled with nerves and anxiety. I’m worried I’ll say something wrong. I’m worried about how my kids will behave. My daughter is autistic and they often crand overbear her with food and questions and drinks etc… I feel like crying.
Truth is what I really need is a big glass of wine when I arrive, but if I have a few I’ll start speaking up and they don’t like that.

My fiancé and his 18 year old son are coming too, they will be able to absorb some of the conversations. It doesn’t get to them as much as it does to me, although my fiancé has no time for my sister due to the Co-dependent narc relationship her and my mum have.

I know I only really lurk on this thread and I don’t tend to get involved in the conversations but THANK YOU to anyone who has shared their experiences. It makes me feel heard and understood. I’ve had so much therapy and I do have good boundaries but today I am being tested because mum is guilting me in and pulling me towards her. I know she just wants control and I’m in my late 30’s so I can make my own decisions now. I’m telling myself to stay strong.
Much love to you all and hope your days are going to all work out well, here’s hoping mine does too.

 

[Good Egg]

Gosh it makes me so sad that there are so many of us in this situation. My Mum is in full on narc mode today and we are getting ready to head up to her house for my sister’s birthday. The ‘sly dig’ messages started yesterday. She so desperately wants me up there early to help (you can’t help, you get barked at to do a job that you do wrong and she then does it anyway)

I’m getting my kids back from their dad early so they can come. When mum told me about this meal it was meant to be ‘4pm-ish’ so I agreed to have the kids back at 3. Now she’s like ‘your sister is already here’ at midday. I am already filled with nerves and anxiety. I’m worried I’ll say something wrong. I’m worried about how my kids will behave. My daughter is autistic and they often crand overbear her with food and questions and drinks etc… I feel like crying.
Truth is what I really need is a big glass of wine when I arrive, but if I have a few I’ll start speaking up and they don’t like that.

My fiancé and his 18 year old son are coming too, they will be able to absorb some of the conversations. It doesn’t get to them as much as it does to me, although my fiancé has no time for my sister due to the Co-dependent narc relationship her and my mum have.

I know I only really lurk on this thread and I don’t tend to get involved in the conversations but THANK YOU to anyone who has shared their experiences. It makes me feel heard and understood. I’ve had so much therapy and I do have good boundaries but today I am being tested because mum is guilting me in and pulling me towards her. I know she just wants control and I’m in my late 30’s so I can make my own decisions now. I’m telling myself to stay strong.
Much love to you all and hope your days are going to all work out well, here’s hoping mine does too.

How did you get on?
For me it’s the constant treading on eggshells, tiptoeing around to not awaken the beast. It leaves you physically and emotionally drained and exhausted.
There is always a comment, gauging a reaction or at least trying too.
I hope you are OK.
I wanted to ask - do you have a good relationship with your sister? Do you think maybe your sister is controlled by NM? And she is scared to speak up? Can you not do your own thing to celebrate your sisters birthday or is NM always in the background like she is with me?

 

[a.pain]

So after not speaking for weeks after our last fight, she [nm] decided she wanted to see her grandchildren and therefore gave up on waiting for me to apologise to her and is now trying to talk to me like nothing is wrong. Went over with my daughter so she could see her, got some titbits of unsolicited advice/criticism then went on my way luckily without an argument although she caught me rolling my eyes. But now she is sending me photos of her haircut like we now have a normal relationship, it’s not hurtful so I feel I am maybe being unreasonable but what bothers me is that she thinks we can have this sort of relationship where we do stuff like that and we simply don’t. She likes to pretend in amongst all the complete crazy episodes that she can enjoy the benefits of a close mother daughter relationship and I don’t want to give it to her! So now im pissed off because I have to reply to her photo of her hair with a compliment and she honestly doesn’t deserve it. I wish I could ignore it. This stuff bugs me almost as much as the crazy stuff because it’s like she’s in total denial

 

[Good Egg]

So after not speaking for weeks after our last fight, she [nm] decided she wanted to see her grandchildren and therefore gave up on waiting for me to apologise to her and is now trying to talk to me like nothing is wrong. Went over with my daughter so she could see her, got some titbits of unsolicited advice/criticism then went on my way luckily without an argument although she caught me rolling my eyes. But now she is sending me photos of her haircut like we now have a normal relationship, it’s not hurtful so I feel I am maybe being unreasonable but what bothers me is that she thinks we can have this sort of relationship where we do stuff like that and we simply don’t. She likes to pretend in amongst all the complete crazy episodes that she can enjoy the benefits of a close mother daughter relationship and I don’t want to give it to her! So now im pissed off because I have to reply to her photo of her hair with a compliment and she honestly doesn’t deserve it. I wish I could ignore it. This stuff bugs me almost as much as the crazy stuff because it’s like she’s in total denial

Is this called hoovering? It’s the worst kind of hurt to have all feelings dismissed as if nothing has happened and I’m so sorry you are being treated this way.
I have it the same, silent treatment then carrying on as if nothing has happened. It messes with your head, self esteem and quite frankly it’s horrible.

 

[beyondtired]

Sadly it’s all kicked off again since I last wrote on here. Last time I wrote that my birthday he made a massive post on fb for my birthday which was all about building his ego... didn’t help by people who have no clue commenting saying how amazing he was ignored me the whole day even when I text him thankyou for my birthday card etc.
This is very long so apologies in advance. But really need to write it down

so a few days after my birthday last month my sister took me for lunch at a local shopping mall. I had been messaging my dad first time I’d heard from him since my birthday. I was getting ready to go out and didn’t reply instantly to his message as I had the hair dryer on so he literally put “JESUS CHRIST” and then went off line and ignored me I asked my sister and she said ask him if everything is ok. To which he replied that evening to me saying “yes just wanted to say I love you all”

the next day I had let my little girl watch YouTube kids on my phone whilst I prepared dinner my dad had messaged me at around 6pm. but my autistic 6 year old just swiped the messsge instead of telling me. Anyway we had dinner popped to the shops whilst there they had a good deal on somthing that I know my dad likes and knew they were doing food shopping that evening So thought I’d let him know I then saw the previous message and apologised that I was an hour late responding and explained why, asked him if he had a good day, told him about what I saw. Anyway I didn’t get a reply, he read it and that was that.
Next day my partner asked me if I’d heard checked still no reply but he had now now put a yawning emoji on my message
i Thought it was very immature but totally like him... and I had a feeling a big impromptu fb status was coming or something of that kind (ah good old social media) on his bio on fb he basically changed It from a paragraph about being a loving grandad loving his family.... to basically saying about himself “I’m a C—T used for everyone else’s needs and insecurities” he’s then removed anything to do with me from his fb.

my sister was at work so I screen shot and sent her it all... asking what the hell is going on. She replied saying she didn’t have a clue but was in a funny mood when she left that morning. Straight after messaging my sister, he randomly messages me.... basically answering my questions I had asked my sister.... that he had no idea about. I messaged my partner who said he’s going to message him.... my dad then randomly straight away blocks my partner.
turns out he has been logged into my messenger Reading my private messages!!!

anyway, I left it a few days he’s then messaged me as if nothing is wrong asking how the kids are.... I didn’t want to reply but thought it’s about the kids so I will. Messaged him back. Then get a random message saying he’s worried about me... I reply I’m fine apart from being heavily pregnant and uncomfortable I’m ok. Then basically ignored what I said and then went on the rampage at me with loads of abuse. Shocked and upset and I muted his messages and went to bed.

my mum has been away for a week for a well deserved break last week. My dad agreed with my sister look we live together let’s be civil this week mums away having a break let’s have a better atmosphere- same with me as he wanted to pick the kids up from school as he missed them,,, had him in for coffee lovely normal chat. My mum was due back the early hours of Monday.... Sunday rolled round and I got phone call from my sister whilst I was in Asda absolutely sobbing like to the point she couldn’t breathe.
Turns out all week my dad has been planning to start and kick off the day before mum was due home...... his own words “I’m gonna start now before it gets back before I hear- I’m having a baby in 2 weeks (me) and my back hurts (my mum has a fractured spine only found out last week after 2 years bless her).” So he literally had been fake all week on purpose and kicked off the worst he ever had on the Sunday. Called my sister and me every name under the sun.... turns out he had hacked her phone aswell as mine...


oh the weirdest thing... he has a camera in the front room which he’s moved from his room as it was watching the garden. To down stairs in the livinf room it records sound and all day he’s been recording my sister and my mum talking they are literally on egg shells now. But I think they’ve snapped as they are now trying to find somewhere else to live.

sorry it’s so long. He’s also said he doesn’t care if he doesn’t me or my kids ever.... I’m due to have a c-section in 10 days.... he’s literally causing me so much stress I’ve been in and out of hospital this past week.

 

[HitnMiss]

Sadly it’s all kicked off again since I last wrote on here. Last time I wrote that my birthday he made a massive post on fb for my birthday which was all about building his ego... didn’t help by people who have no clue commenting saying how amazing he was ignored me the whole day even when I text him thankyou for my birthday card etc.
This is very long so apologies in advance. But really need to write it down

so a few days after my birthday last month my sister took me for lunch at a local shopping mall. I had been messaging my dad first time I’d heard from him since my birthday. I was getting ready to go out and didn’t reply instantly to his message as I had the hair dryer on so he literally put “JESUS CHRIST” and then went off line and ignored me I asked my sister and she said ask him if everything is ok. To which he replied that evening to me saying “yes just wanted to say I love you all”

the next day I had let my little girl watch YouTube kids on my phone whilst I prepared dinner my dad had messaged me at around 6pm. but my autistic 6 year old just swiped the messsge instead of telling me. Anyway we had dinner popped to the shops whilst there they had a good deal on somthing that I know my dad likes and knew they were doing food shopping that evening So thought I’d let him know I then saw the previous message and apologised that I was an hour late responding and explained why, asked him if he had a good day, told him about what I saw. Anyway I didn’t get a reply, he read it and that was that.
Next day my partner asked me if I’d heard checked still no reply but he had now now put a yawning emoji on my message
i Thought it was very immature but totally like him... and I had a feeling a big impromptu fb status was coming or something of that kind (ah good old social media) on his bio on fb he basically changed It from a paragraph about being a loving grandad loving his family.... to basically saying about himself “I’m a C—T used for everyone else’s needs and insecurities” he’s then removed anything to do with me from his fb.

my sister was at work so I screen shot and sent her it all... asking what the hell is going on. She replied saying she didn’t have a clue but was in a funny mood when she left that morning. Straight after messaging my sister, he randomly messages me.... basically answering my questions I had asked my sister.... that he had no idea about. I messaged my partner who said he’s going to message him.... my dad then randomly straight away blocks my partner.
turns out he has been logged into my messenger Reading my private messages!!!

anyway, I left it a few days he’s then messaged me as if nothing is wrong asking how the kids are.... I didn’t want to reply but thought it’s about the kids so I will. Messaged him back. Then get a random message saying he’s worried about me... I reply I’m fine apart from being heavily pregnant and uncomfortable I’m ok. Then basically ignored what I said and then went on the rampage at me with loads of abuse. Shocked and upset and I muted his messages and went to bed.

my mum has been away for a week for a well deserved break last week. My dad agreed with my sister look we live together let’s be civil this week mums away having a break let’s have a better atmosphere- same with me as he wanted to pick the kids up from school as he missed them,,, had him in for coffee lovely normal chat. My mum was due back the early hours of Monday.... Sunday rolled round and I got phone call from my sister whilst I was in Asda absolutely sobbing like to the point she couldn’t breathe.
Turns out all week my dad has been planning to start and kick off the day before mum was due home...... his own words “I’m gonna start now before it gets back before I hear- I’m having a baby in 2 weeks (me) and my back hurts (my mum has a fractured spine only found out last week after 2 years bless her).” So he literally had been fake all week on purpose and kicked off the worst he ever had on the Sunday. Called my sister and me every name under the sun.... turns out he had hacked her phone aswell as mine...


oh the weirdest thing... he has a camera in the front room which he’s moved from his room as it was watching the garden. To down stairs in the livinf room it records sound and all day he’s been recording my sister and my mum talking they are literally on egg shells now. But I think they’ve snapped as they are now trying to find somewhere else to live.

sorry it’s so long. He’s also said he doesn’t care if he doesn’t me or my kids ever.... I’m due to have a c-section in 10 days.... he’s literally causing me so much stress I’ve been in and out of hospital this past week.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. It sounds like things are coming to a head. Can you limit contact for now so you can concentrate on your new baby and your little family? This should be a happy time for you. I'm so sorry.

 

[Good Egg]

Sadly it’s all kicked off again since I last wrote on here. Last time I wrote that my birthday he made a massive post on fb for my birthday which was all about building his ego... didn’t help by people who have no clue commenting saying how amazing he was ignored me the whole day even when I text him thankyou for my birthday card etc.
This is very long so apologies in advance. But really need to write it down

so a few days after my birthday last month my sister took me for lunch at a local shopping mall. I had been messaging my dad first time I’d heard from him since my birthday. I was getting ready to go out and didn’t reply instantly to his message as I had the hair dryer on so he literally put “JESUS CHRIST” and then went off line and ignored me I asked my sister and she said ask him if everything is ok. To which he replied that evening to me saying “yes just wanted to say I love you all”

the next day I had let my little girl watch YouTube kids on my phone whilst I prepared dinner my dad had messaged me at around 6pm. but my autistic 6 year old just swiped the messsge instead of telling me. Anyway we had dinner popped to the shops whilst there they had a good deal on somthing that I know my dad likes and knew they were doing food shopping that evening So thought I’d let him know I then saw the previous message and apologised that I was an hour late responding and explained why, asked him if he had a good day, told him about what I saw. Anyway I didn’t get a reply, he read it and that was that.
Next day my partner asked me if I’d heard checked still no reply but he had now now put a yawning emoji on my message
i Thought it was very immature but totally like him... and I had a feeling a big impromptu fb status was coming or something of that kind (ah good old social media) on his bio on fb he basically changed It from a paragraph about being a loving grandad loving his family.... to basically saying about himself “I’m a C—T used for everyone else’s needs and insecurities” he’s then removed anything to do with me from his fb.

my sister was at work so I screen shot and sent her it all... asking what the hell is going on. She replied saying she didn’t have a clue but was in a funny mood when she left that morning. Straight after messaging my sister, he randomly messages me.... basically answering my questions I had asked my sister.... that he had no idea about. I messaged my partner who said he’s going to message him.... my dad then randomly straight away blocks my partner.
turns out he has been logged into my messenger Reading my private messages!!!

anyway, I left it a few days he’s then messaged me as if nothing is wrong asking how the kids are.... I didn’t want to reply but thought it’s about the kids so I will. Messaged him back. Then get a random message saying he’s worried about me... I reply I’m fine apart from being heavily pregnant and uncomfortable I’m ok. Then basically ignored what I said and then went on the rampage at me with loads of abuse. Shocked and upset and I muted his messages and went to bed.

my mum has been away for a week for a well deserved break last week. My dad agreed with my sister look we live together let’s be civil this week mums away having a break let’s have a better atmosphere- same with me as he wanted to pick the kids up from school as he missed them,,, had him in for coffee lovely normal chat. My mum was due back the early hours of Monday.... Sunday rolled round and I got phone call from my sister whilst I was in Asda absolutely sobbing like to the point she couldn’t breathe.
Turns out all week my dad has been planning to start and kick off the day before mum was due home...... his own words “I’m gonna start now before it gets back before I hear- I’m having a baby in 2 weeks (me) and my back hurts (my mum has a fractured spine only found out last week after 2 years bless her).” So he literally had been fake all week on purpose and kicked off the worst he ever had on the Sunday. Called my sister and me every name under the sun.... turns out he had hacked her phone aswell as mine...


oh the weirdest thing... he has a camera in the front room which he’s moved from his room as it was watching the garden. To down stairs in the livinf room it records sound and all day he’s been recording my sister and my mum talking they are literally on egg shells now. But I think they’ve snapped as they are now trying to find somewhere else to live.

sorry it’s so long. He’s also said he doesn’t care if he doesn’t me or my kids ever.... I’m due to have a c-section in 10 days.... he’s literally causing me so much stress I’ve been in and out of hospital this past week.

Not being funny but these last few weeks should be relaxing and chilled before your new baby arrives. I’m so sorry they are putting you under so much stress.
Good luck with the C-Section and safe arrival of your little one. Focus all your energy on the newborn and your little family. Lots of love

 

[beyondtired]

Thankyou so much

he’s actually spoilt this time for us since around the beginning of February.... not just for us but for my mum and sister who were so excited it’s the first boy in the family for over 50 years...he’s really put a dampener on everything.
I really don’t think I can ever forgive him or be civil now. This is our last baby.

I’ve also noticed how the stress has affected me physically... I have gestational diabetes but because of the stress and lack of sleep because of how low I’ve felt my numbers have been erratic the last few weeks... when he calms down and doesn’t speak to me for ages they go back to normal but when he starts they go up!! I’ve also been put on anti-depressants because of all the stress.

when I tried telling him how it’s making me feel he told me to stop dishing tit out.... I’ve literally not done anything. When he kicked off (planned to all week) on Sunday he said to my sister he was gonna start now as he doesn’t wanna hear tit for the next week like I’m having a baby in 2 weeks.... or I’m not well.

he’s also extremely jealous of my close relationship with my aunt his sister we went there for lunch the other weekend and he was on edge about us going incase she said anything to us as she’s turned her back on him to over the death of a family member back in January (family member who he didn’t like) moaning he wanted money from her house when it sold. He’s got money from it as he was in the will but apparently he went round there the night she died (which was sudden in a cafe!!) and the police had just left my aunts house as she was close to said family member. He went there kicking off and saying how much he hated life etc.

my dad keeps telling me how she’s getting her “dragon claws in me” and I need to watch out.... his brother can’t stand him as he laid into my mum verbally when they went to stay there last summer and hadto be told to stop.

his other sister He slagged off her day her son died saying she’s rude for not messaging him back straight away- her son died suddenly at the age of 26. He even slaggedoff the said dead nephew the day he died too.


he’s a nasty piece of work! I’m fed up of him I don’t think I’ll Ever forgive him

 

[Good Egg]

Thankyou so much

he’s actually spoilt this time for us since around the beginning of February.... not just for us but for my mum and sister who were so excited it’s the first boy in the family for over 50 years...he’s really put a dampener on everything.
I really don’t think I can ever forgive him or be civil now. This is our last baby.

I’ve also noticed how the stress has affected me physically... I have gestational diabetes but because of the stress and lack of sleep because of how low I’ve felt my numbers have been erratic the last few weeks... when he calms down and doesn’t speak to me for ages they go back to normal but when he starts they go up!! I’ve also been put on anti-depressants because of all the stress.

when I tried telling him how it’s making me feel he told me to stop dishing tit out.... I’ve literally not done anything. When he kicked off (planned to all week) on Sunday he said to my sister he was gonna start now as he doesn’t wanna hear tit for the next week like I’m having a baby in 2 weeks.... or I’m not well.

he’s also extremely jealous of my close relationship with my aunt his sister we went there for lunch the other weekend and he was on edge about us going incase she said anything to us as she’s turned her back on him to over the death of a family member back in January (family member who he didn’t like) moaning he wanted money from her house when it sold. He’s got money from it as he was in the will but apparently he went round there the night she died (which was sudden in a cafe!!) and the police had just left my aunts house as she was close to said family member. He went there kicking off and saying how much he hated life etc.

my dad keeps telling me how she’s getting her “dragon claws in me” and I need to watch out.... his brother can’t stand him as he laid into my mum verbally when they went to stay there last summer and hadto be told to stop.

his other sister He slagged off her day her son died saying she’s rude for not messaging him back straight away- her son died suddenly at the age of 26. He even slaggedoff the said dead nephew the day he died too.


he’s a nasty piece of work! I’m fed up of him I don’t think I’ll Ever forgive him

He sounds truly awful - I can completely understand the stress and upset he is causing you. I just don’t know what to say, can you go no contact? I appreciate this is much easier to say than do in real life.

I wish I had a magic wand. I wish I could make this all disappear for both of us. Surround yourselves with those who love you unconditionally, focus on you and your baby. Concentrate on making these final days special for you. You need zero drama - lots of love

 

[Sheabutter]

@beyondtired I’m so, so sorry you’re going through this. If only we could put them on feel good mood pills, things would be so much easier!! Sending you love, comforting energy, and prayers for an easy delivery

 

[Blonde123]

Sadly it’s all kicked off again since I last wrote on here. Last time I wrote that my birthday he made a massive post on fb for my birthday which was all about building his ego... didn’t help by people who have no clue commenting saying how amazing he was ignored me the whole day even when I text him thankyou for my birthday card etc.
This is very long so apologies in advance. But really need to write it down

so a few days after my birthday last month my sister took me for lunch at a local shopping mall. I had been messaging my dad first time I’d heard from him since my birthday. I was getting ready to go out and didn’t reply instantly to his message as I had the hair dryer on so he literally put “JESUS CHRIST” and then went off line and ignored me I asked my sister and she said ask him if everything is ok. To which he replied that evening to me saying “yes just wanted to say I love you all”

the next day I had let my little girl watch YouTube kids on my phone whilst I prepared dinner my dad had messaged me at around 6pm. but my autistic 6 year old just swiped the messsge instead of telling me. Anyway we had dinner popped to the shops whilst there they had a good deal on somthing that I know my dad likes and knew they were doing food shopping that evening So thought I’d let him know I then saw the previous message and apologised that I was an hour late responding and explained why, asked him if he had a good day, told him about what I saw. Anyway I didn’t get a reply, he read it and that was that.
Next day my partner asked me if I’d heard checked still no reply but he had now now put a yawning emoji on my message
i Thought it was very immature but totally like him... and I had a feeling a big impromptu fb status was coming or something of that kind (ah good old social media) on his bio on fb he basically changed It from a paragraph about being a loving grandad loving his family.... to basically saying about himself “I’m a C—T used for everyone else’s needs and insecurities” he’s then removed anything to do with me from his fb.

my sister was at work so I screen shot and sent her it all... asking what the hell is going on. She replied saying she didn’t have a clue but was in a funny mood when she left that morning. Straight after messaging my sister, he randomly messages me.... basically answering my questions I had asked my sister.... that he had no idea about. I messaged my partner who said he’s going to message him.... my dad then randomly straight away blocks my partner.
turns out he has been logged into my messenger Reading my private messages!!!

anyway, I left it a few days he’s then messaged me as if nothing is wrong asking how the kids are.... I didn’t want to reply but thought it’s about the kids so I will. Messaged him back. Then get a random message saying he’s worried about me... I reply I’m fine apart from being heavily pregnant and uncomfortable I’m ok. Then basically ignored what I said and then went on the rampage at me with loads of abuse. Shocked and upset and I muted his messages and went to bed.

my mum has been away for a week for a well deserved break last week. My dad agreed with my sister look we live together let’s be civil this week mums away having a break let’s have a better atmosphere- same with me as he wanted to pick the kids up from school as he missed them,,, had him in for coffee lovely normal chat. My mum was due back the early hours of Monday.... Sunday rolled round and I got phone call from my sister whilst I was in Asda absolutely sobbing like to the point she couldn’t breathe.
Turns out all week my dad has been planning to start and kick off the day before mum was due home...... his own words “I’m gonna start now before it gets back before I hear- I’m having a baby in 2 weeks (me) and my back hurts (my mum has a fractured spine only found out last week after 2 years bless her).” So he literally had been fake all week on purpose and kicked off the worst he ever had on the Sunday. Called my sister and me every name under the sun.... turns out he had hacked her phone aswell as mine...


oh the weirdest thing... he has a camera in the front room which he’s moved from his room as it was watching the garden. To down stairs in the livinf room it records sound and all day he’s been recording my sister and my mum talking they are literally on egg shells now. But I think they’ve snapped as they are now trying to find somewhere else to live.

sorry it’s so long. He’s also said he doesn’t care if he doesn’t me or my kids ever.... I’m due to have a c-section in 10 days.... he’s literally causing me so much stress I’ve been in and out of hospital this past week.

You really need to cut contact. He’s verbally abusive and unpredictable you can’t have someone like that around you or your kids. Once he decides to change his behaviour you can have a relationship but honestly I’d look after yourself and not waste your energy at the moment. You have more important things to focus on. I’m so sorry he sounds vile and also not quite right, normal people don’t hack peoples phones or record them. X

 

[AFlyOnYourWall]

For me, I knew the behaviour of a parent wasn’t right or natural, but I just accepted it because what else can you do as a child/teenager? It wasn’t until I left the toxic environment and had my own children that I realised just how awful their behaviour was. Both mentally, physically, emotionally etc. I don’t think it’s until you become a parent yourself that you realise just abusive and toxic they were, because you could never ever dream of treating your own children that way or doing things to them that was done to you

 

[screamqueen]

So after siblings and I received that message from my mother saying how embarrassed she was of us and how we haven't been there for her (despite responding to and fulfilling her every whim) she has not spoken to me for over 2 months. When one of my siblings called her to catch up she apparently acted like nothing had happened, they grilled her on the message she'd sent all of us and she glossed over it like it was nothing. Needless to say it made me furious - why do they do this? She said that she 'didn't mean it' and my sibling told her how hurtful it was to send a message like that, especially if she 'didn't mean it', and she didn't seem to see the problem.

Cut to a whatsapp message from my mother this morning, after the 2 month silence, of her asking me to submit her meter reading for her (previously I had set this up for her and submitted her readings as she said she couldn't do it / didn't understand it). And now I don't know how to respond? She's not acknowledged anything, not apologised, just gone straight in as normal with a message to submit her reading and I'm livid.
I should also point out, I think she tried to get access to the account to do her own meter readings as she didn't want to speak to me as her account is registered to my email (as she doesn't have an email address) and I was notified of a request to change the password, so she's obviously tried to do it herself and has decided to just ask me to submit instead.

I feel bad for still not speaking with her, but I am just done with her behaviour after she sent that message to us all, and I'm now unsure of how to respond to her?

We cover a lot of things for her, including me paying her TV licence every quarter for her, so for her to say we don't do anything for her really boils my piss. She doesn't understand how lucky she is sometimes and takes everyone for granted.

Hope everyone else is doing okay with the long weekend coming up and possible time spent with narc parents - sending you all so much love xx

 

[Rodneytrotter]

So after siblings and I received that message from my mother saying how embarrassed she was of us and how we haven't been there for her (despite responding to and fulfilling her every whim) she has not spoken to me for over 2 months. When one of my siblings called her to catch up she apparently acted like nothing had happened, they grilled her on the message she'd sent all of us and she glossed over it like it was nothing. Needless to say it made me furious - why do they do this? She said that she 'didn't mean it' and my sibling told her how hurtful it was to send a message like that, especially if she 'didn't mean it', and she didn't seem to see the problem.

Cut to a whatsapp message from my mother this morning, after the 2 month silence, of her asking me to submit her meter reading for her (previously I had set this up for her and submitted her readings as she said she couldn't do it / didn't understand it). And now I don't know how to respond? She's not acknowledged anything, not apologised, just gone straight in as normal with a message to submit her reading and I'm livid.
I should also point out, I think she tried to get access to the account to do her own meter readings as she didn't want to speak to me as her account is registered to my email (as she doesn't have an email address) and I was notified of a request to change the password, so she's obviously tried to do it herself and has decided to just ask me to submit instead.

I feel bad for still not speaking with her, but I am just done with her behaviour after she sent that message to us all, and I'm now unsure of how to respond to her?

We cover a lot of things for her, including me paying her TV licence every quarter for her, so for her to say we don't do anything for her really boils my piss. She doesn't understand how lucky she is sometimes and takes everyone for granted.

Hope everyone else is doing okay with the long weekend coming up and possible time spent with narc parents - sending you all so much love xx

Oh I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I wish you could say to her that she is better off asking someone else as you don't wish to embarrass her any further but I know its not that easy. Is cutting her off an option?

 

[screamqueen]

Oh I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I wish you could say to her that she is better off asking someone else as you don't wish to embarrass her any further but I know its not that easy. Is cutting her off an option?

Thankyou

It certainly puts me in an awkward position as I know she’ll spin the narrative to everyone that I’m selfish for not wanting to help her anymore, etc. I’ve actually felt really refreshed not having contact with her for the last two months and I’m not sure I can build a relationship with her again, so cutting her off would be better for me and means I could reduce contact with her so definitely something I’m going to try and do.
Why do they constantly make things so difficult?

 

[Rodneytrotter]

Thankyou

It certainly puts me in an awkward position as I know she’ll spin the narrative to everyone that I’m selfish for not wanting to help her anymore, etc. I’ve actually felt really refreshed not having contact with her for the last two months and I’m not sure I can build a relationship with her again, so cutting her off would be better for me and means I could reduce contact with her so definitely something I’m going to try and do.
Why do they constantly make things so difficult?

I know I just think you will never 'win'. You will try and try and still end up feeling guilty. Let her spin whatever narrative she likes (but again I know this is all easier said than done).

Ive been no contact for over a year now and I can't tell you how much peace it has brought me. However at first it was absolutely horrendous so if you are thinking of going no contact make sure you are prepared for a lot of mental torture initially (some of it self induced).

 

[screamqueen]

I know I just think you will never 'win'. You will try and try and still end up feeling guilty. Let her spin whatever narrative she likes (but again I know this is all easier said than done).

Ive been no contact for over a year now and I can't tell you how much peace it has brought me. However at first it was absolutely horrendous so if you are thinking of going no contact make sure you are prepared for a lot of mental torture initially (some of it self induced).

I'm so pleased to hear you've found such peace with your no contact, that's wonderful must feel like such a weight is lifted.
Yeah, I think the mental torture (self induced) is already rattling around in my head as everyone else in my family seems to just accept that 'that's just how she is' so naturally, I think I'll be seen as the bad guy. But eugh, would make my life so much easier at least.

Really appreciate your replies x

 

[it’s not been changed?!]

For someone who claims not to like liars, my mum is quite happy to be malicious and tell fibs about ridiculous things. Wish I could say more, but I’m worried I’ll give myself away.
Is this what happens when you’re twice divorced and single? You become bitter and resentful? No one else can see it, but me! Which is the frustrating thing!

 

[Easilyannoyed]

For me, I knew the behaviour of a parent wasn’t right or natural, but I just accepted it because what else can you do as a child/teenager? It wasn’t until I left the toxic environment and had my own children that I realised just how awful their behaviour was. Both mentally, physically, emotionally etc. I don’t think it’s until you become a parent yourself that you realise just abusive and toxic they were, because you could never ever dream of treating your own children that way or doing things to them that was done to you

I agree as a new mum it’s dawned on me how its emotionally drained me I feel so upset and I never want my child to feel like this. My dad thinks he is right about everything tries to dictate to me and now my partner and I’m not having that for our child it keeps me awake at night but emotionally he somehow knows how to get into my head because I’m the one lying awake at night I hope you are ok because this is so hard to deal with sometimes before I became a mother I honestly thought my partner who I adore would be better off away from me and my family

 

[Qwerty124]

This thread makes me so sad and it's hurtful to see how many people experience this and suffer because of this. At the same time, as selfish as this sounds, I dont feel alone.

I have a nm. I've only just put two and two together after a recent incident. I'm now on a waiting list for counselling and therapy.

I first suspected my nm to have some sort of memory problem (since alzeihmers and such run throughout the family) after my children (6,8,10) said she had let them watch birdbox. They had become that scared they begged her to turn it off. I spoke with her, there was a lot of excuses from my nm but I explained not to let it happen again, it wasn't age appropriate. I kind of gave her the benefit of the doubt. Then it happened again. I mentioned I had already spoken to her about it and the kids were upset. She denied everything and took it very personally. I dropped it as the arguments weren't worth it. A little back story, I work evenings, my partner works shifts. My nm babysits when partner is at work which maximum a week is about 3 times for a couple of hours. She's always proclaimed she would do anything for us, we are her world and she's been so appreciated and I couldn't have done the past few years without her. Things all changed when I stopped validating her. This sounds awful from my part but growing up and still to this day, my nm would top trump everything anyone says and her infamous opening lines to talking to someone is always, "I've been up since 4 o'clock this morning". She works, has her own caring business, no one else employed etc but will stress how demanding it is despite her setting the goal posts, but in another sense if she were to have to drive even to my house (1.7miles away) it is such a huge deal. I've become less tolerable of this as it is relentless. It must have shown. I didnt mean it nastily. From doing so, I had my eyes opened to her toxic behaviour and that everything was always about her. Her attitude then became more hostile to me and I'd often get threatened with "I could tell you to duck off for babysitting if I wanted to....but I would never let you down". This is knowing we have no one else. My partner even got another job to limit her babysitting and our dependence on her but ultimately the goal was to appease her, he turned down jobs with better pay as the hours were worse. I also started to use flexi time and holidays on days she'd be needed. She'd then hold on to things, things I may have said I confidence to her, for example how I needed a job, we couldn't survive on my partners wage alone etc as she used to always say how she never wanted me to work because I have 3 kids. She'd try and turn my partner against me many a times but he's a man of little words and was wiser than me of her games. To ease the babysitting I'd make teas for all, the kids would be ready for bed before I left for work and my nm had to do nothing essentially, they self entertained. Fast forward to Feb. I finished early (usually 10) at 9pm. I walked in to my nm standing waiting shouting "I quit". She stormed out. We spoke the next day on the phone and I said how I couldn't do this any more, how nothing I done was good enough and I was trying my best. She said things along the lines of "goodluck finding a babysitter for 3 bleeping kids" and that I was a dramatic bleeping princess. I sent a text after detailing how I was struggling. She took this as a way of me telling her I wasn't wanting to be here any more and stormed to my house. Thinking it was the workmen working next door, I got my partner to answer the door and it was her, he had been on nightshift so didn't know what had gone on and let her in. She came for an argument. It wasn't going anywhere. I asked her to leave nicely. I shouted. I swore. She just stood there antagonising me. In the end, after listening to more insults how I never feed her, I dont get her drinks, (she hates my cooking) how any present I've ever gotten her bar one is tit etc I took her by the arm and lead her to my front door. She stood there. I asked her to leave again, she stood there. I asked what she was going to do, she said hit me (nothing new as a child but I'm 33 now) so I remained still, I wasn't particularly scared. She hit me in the face blacked my eye. At this point my partner came down (he had no idea) and my nm was shouting at me saying don't you bleeping dare hit me. He escorted her out then seen my eye. Anyways, I had to speak to the police as advised by my union to try and support some kind of hybrid working. I didnt press charges with the police but talked through everything with them and was reassured I didn't do anything wrong as she was in my home. The guilt I felt was horrific. Fast forward and I got the odd text, even offering to have the kids over. No way. SS had to get involved but discharged us because I said I had gone no contact. Which was true. I then heard more of her slagging me off to my friends when going to the hair dressers etc saying I was the abuser and that if she had have punched me, she'd have knocked my bleeping teeth out. She stresses punched and says that's what I'm telling people when in reality I've not spoken to hardly anyone as I'm ashamed. I've had texts saying surely the kids are asking about her etc all just guilt tripping I believe. She rang the other day and I stupidly answered as I felt stronger than before. She didn't acknowledge anything I said, instead justified everything with how I've done xyz (all assumptions). Her last words spoken to me before I cut her off (bear in mind I never hit her) was "if I hadn't have worn glasses that day, you would've hit me". I was gobsmacked. Whenever I've said she's physically hurt me, I've had to walk around work, kids school etc with a black eye, her response was never sorry it was always "I'm bruised too".

I self referred to the mental health team who have said I'd benefit from counselling and itp or ipt therapy. There's so much more that's gone on that I cant fit in the above and it's worn me down. I feel like I'm mourning someone who is still alive. For those who say they've been to therapy, did you find the pain easier to deal with? Did it initially make things worse? Thank you if you got this far.