Narcissistic and Toxic parents.

[Good Egg]

No good deed goes unpunished ...

For Easter, we bought my narc mother some readymade meals from a local lady who makes them from a professional kitchen. I thought it was a thoughtful gift, especially considering how expensive everything is at the moment. If someone bought the same for me, I'd be delighted.

My narc mother said they were "interesting"; after probing her a bit further it turns out that she had one, decided she didn't like it so wouldn't like any of the others either, and threw them away!!!! My mother's tastes are very simple - meat and three vegetables-style meals, and that's what these meals were.

I am so, so furious. They cost just over NZ$125 for six mains and six desserts which is a LOT of money!

NO GOOD DEED GOES UNPUNISHED ...

I take your meals and i trump you an Easter break all paid for by me. She now can’t go because She’s ill. (Cue amateur dramatics) the groaning, the heaving, the death bed. £275 gone. I can’t even get a refund or re-book.
Of course now I can’t go because I’m on beck and call duty

 

[abadtroll]

Has anyone had their parent make an illness in the family all about them?
Said parent has also made themselves a spokesperson for the sick person and it's just getting a bit much. It's not natural. It's more like they forced themselves into the position because they like to feel important. Sorry if that's vague, just in case I out myself.
It's gotten to the point where I've looked into selling my house and moving away.

 

[unwanted.opinions]

Has anyone had their parent make an illness in the family all about them?
Said parent has also made themselves a spokesperson for the sick person and it's just getting a bit much. It's not natural. It's more like they forced themselves into the position because they like to feel important. Sorry if that's vague, just in case I out myself.
It's gotten to the point where I've looked into selling my house and moving away.

I bet they do the whoa is me I do all the caring for said person and no one else does anything to help me.

 

[abadtroll]

I bet they do the whoa is me I do all the caring for said person and no one else does anything to help me.

100% but also tells us we can't visit. Feel totally pushed out when I used to be so close to this family member. I also had an exam through training for work and was sent quite an upsetting update right before it. I feel like it was done on purpose.
It's all just typical of this parent. I feel like they're glad to have an element of control over something again.

 

[TheGlossy]

I moved away, living in a different country and there's still not enough distance!

Technology is making my life harder because they will always find ways to reach me.

I need to move to Australia forever lol. If they're looking for guinea pigs to pilot living on Mars, I'm in, seriously.

 

[unwanted.opinions]

I moved away, living in a different country and there's still not enough distance!

Technology is making my life harder because they will always find ways to reach me.

I need to move to Australia forever lol. If they're looking for guinea pigs to pilot living on Mars, I'm in, seriously.

Can’t we just send the toxic family members to pilot living on mars?

 

[screamqueen]

Wow, so I'm so glad I stumbled across this thread - what an eye opener.

For years I've brushed off things my mum did as her just being a bit weird, or just struggling with mental health issues, and despite being close with her when I was younger, I definitely started to drift from her after moving away to university. I was fine with this, but she struggled with it I think.

Anyway, fast forward to present day, and I've been really struggling with her and the things she says and does - I've seen lots of similarities from reading through everyone's experiences here (you're all so brave ) - the hypochondria, the illnesses exaggerated tenfold, brushing my feelings off as being 'childish' when I tell her she's said something to upset me, complaining she can't do something to the point of me and my siblings getting too frustrated and just doing it for her, telling other people exaggerated things about what my siblings and I do/don't do, the list is endless. It's more psychological than anything else, but I can't help the way she makes me feel.

She's recently been going through cancer treatment and despite the doctor's saying she's getting better she can't help but stay on the doom and gloom side and complain about it all despite me trying to make her see the positives. She even told us initially that she might not go through with the treatment as her 'agoraphobia' (which seems to have come out of nowhere) makes it hard for her. And to tell you we had a go at her for that is an understatement - how selfish to tell your children that you might just not bother getting your cancer treatment - what a head duck.

During her treatment, as it was difficult for her to talk, we whatsapped her daily to check in rather than call, she said she needed certain things to make her treatment more bareable, and these were ordered and sent next day to her, no questions asked (one was over £100). She then had to go into hospital for a chest infection and all hell broke loose - she sent us a text basically saying she was embarrassed of us and was sick of making excuses that we had done nothing for her, how everyone else has made the effort and we've done nothing (I've failed to mention that before she even started her treatment, we all offered separately to have her stay with us during her treatment so she had someone on hand to help her and she turned us all down - victim playing again). She has a head ex-partner who on numerous occasions has said he wishes she were dead, and for some reason he has been staying with her helping her. We were glad she had someone, we're not monsters, but now despite having left him multiple times in the past, he's now some kind of hero in her eyes, and we are the terrible children. Stockholm syndrome, much?

What I don't know is where she sits on the scale of things - would this be considered narc behaviour, or something else?

I don't really know what I'm looking for here, but to see I'm not alone in this was such a weight lifted. I haven't messaged her since she sent that horrible message and frankly I don't really know how to go forward from her. My sibling called her and she essentially acted like nothing was wrong, so now I'm just waiting for the pass-agg message that I haven't been in touch, and what not. God, it's exhausting isn't it?

Love to you all x

 

[Snowjoke]

Wow, so I'm so glad I stumbled across this thread - what an eye opener.

For years I've brushed off things my mum did as her just being a bit weird, or just struggling with mental health issues, and despite being close with her when I was younger, I definitely started to drift from her after moving away to university. I was fine with this, but she struggled with it I think.

Anyway, fast forward to present day, and I've been really struggling with her and the things she says and does - I've seen lots of similarities from reading through everyone's experiences here (you're all so brave ) - the hypochondria, the illnesses exaggerated tenfold, brushing my feelings off as being 'childish' when I tell her she's said something to upset me, complaining she can't do something to the point of me and my siblings getting too frustrated and just doing it for her, telling other people exaggerated things about what my siblings and I do/don't do, the list is endless. It's more psychological than anything else, but I can't help the way she makes me feel.

She's recently been going through cancer treatment and despite the doctor's saying she's getting better she can't help but stay on the doom and gloom side and complain about it all despite me trying to make her see the positives. She even told us initially that she might not go through with the treatment as her 'agoraphobia' (which seems to have come out of nowhere) makes it hard for her. And to tell you we had a go at her for that is an understatement - how selfish to tell your children that you might just not bother getting your cancer treatment - what a head duck.

During her treatment, as it was difficult for her to talk, we whatsapped her daily to check in rather than call, she said she needed certain things to make her treatment more bareable, and these were ordered and sent next day to her, no questions asked (one was over £100). She then had to go into hospital for a chest infection and all hell broke loose - she sent us a text basically saying she was embarrassed of us and was sick of making excuses that we had done nothing for her, how everyone else has made the effort and we've done nothing (I've failed to mention that before she even started her treatment, we all offered separately to have her stay with us during her treatment so she had someone on hand to help her and she turned us all down - victim playing again). She has a head ex-partner who on numerous occasions has said he wishes she were dead, and for some reason he has been staying with her helping her. We were glad she had someone, we're not monsters, but now despite having left him multiple times in the past, he's now some kind of hero in her eyes, and we are the terrible children. Stockholm syndrome, much?

What I don't know is where she sits on the scale of things - would this be considered narc behaviour, or something else?

I don't really know what I'm looking for here, but to see I'm not alone in this was such a weight lifted. I haven't messaged her since she sent that horrible message and frankly I don't really know how to go forward from her. My sibling called her and she essentially acted like nothing was wrong, so now I'm just waiting for the pass-agg message that I haven't been in touch, and what not. God, it's exhausting isn't it?

Love to you all x

I’m sorry you have had to go through all that. I’m by no means excusing your mums behaviour and would hate for you to think I am, but sometimes it can be very difficult for those going through treatment to see the light at the end of the tunnel and they can say and do things they really don’t mean, you just have to give them a fools pardon for a wile. It will take your mum a long time to recover physically, emotionally and mentally from treatment. A lot of people come out the other side a totally different person than before and I hope for your mum it might make her a bit more appreciative of you

 

[screamqueen]

I’m sorry you have had to go through all that. I’m by no means excusing your mums behaviour and would hate for you to think I am, but sometimes it can be very difficult for those going through treatment to see the light at the end of the tunnel and they can say and do things they really don’t mean, you just have to give them a fools pardon for a wile. It will take your mum a long time to recover physically, emotionally and mentally from treatment. A lot of people come out the other side a totally different person than before and I hope for your mum it might make her a bit more appreciative of you

Oh not at all, and I’m sorry if my post made it seem like I was heartless and holding her treatment against her. I understand how hard it is for her, I’ve had (and lost) friends go through cancer treatment so have empathised with her and have tried to help as much as I can, but it’s her constant view of being the only person to go through it and it could ‘only happen to her’ that’s been difficult.

This is more of a recent turn of events too on top of general list of behaviours towards me so apologies if this looked like a rant on just her treatment - not what I was getting at at all - and other members of my family similar to those detailed in previous threads.

I appreciate you being so kind in your response though, so Thankyou

 

[Snowjoke]

Oh not at all, and I’m sorry if my post made it seem like I was heartless and holding her treatment against her. I understand how hard it is for her, I’ve had (and lost) friends go through cancer treatment so have empathised with her and have tried to help as much as I can, but it’s her constant view of being the only person to go through it and it could ‘only happen to her’ that’s been difficult.

This is more of a recent turn of events too on top of general list of behaviours towards me so apologies if this looked like a rant on just her treatment - not what I was getting at at all - and other members of my family similar to those detailed in previous threads.

I appreciate you being so kind in your response though, so Thankyou

Oh don’t!! I didn’t think that for a second! I guess I’m just hoping your mum appreciates life a bit more now, less bullsh1t and is kinder in general! Wishing you the best

 

[screamqueen]

Oh don’t!! I didn’t think that for a second! I guess I’m just hoping your mum appreciates life a bit more now, less bullsh1t and is kinder in general! Wishing you the best

I hope so too, it would be nice to see her outlook change for the better so we can only hope

Thanks again x

 

[Sheabutter]

The holiday brought out a lot of crazy with my parents. Just wow. I forgot what emotional burn out feels like.

 

[a.pain]

I have been trying to make things work with my mum but today she screamed at me in front of my three year old daughter and baby. I asked her three times not to in front of them. She couldn’t help herself to the point my husband had to intervene. I wasn’t saying anything just crying in my hand and trying not to look too upset in front of them but she still had to rip into me. I do not want my daughters to have these memories like I do from when I was little of my mum and dad fighting and screaming at one another. Feel like I’m at some sort of cross roads here. My brother has gone pretty low contact but I feel sad for my children. And also selfishly I value the childcare help she sometimes gives but their emotional health comes first

 

[it’s not been changed?!]

This is going to sound petty/coming across as jealousy, but I just want to understand why. I saw my mum over Easter and she told me she went out for bottomless brunch and a day shopping with a friend and her daughter (family friends of over 25 years, so pretty close family friends… I don’t want to give too much away) but I find it so bizarre she will never want to do things like that with me and my sister. If I ever meet her for a day of shopping, and tbh, one day is enough to spend with her, if I would suggest lunch or somewhere to eat, she’ll just suggest a coffee in Costa, which I have no issue with! It just kind of makes me feel a bit crappy that she would never want to anything fun like that with us (which involves spending money, too) Maybe it’s cos these people are heavy drinkers and they enable her. We’ve had bust ups in the past about her drinking when I still lived at home. Obviously, you don’t have to get tit faced when you have bottomless brunch…I don’t know what I’m trying to say And I know people have a lot shittier times with their mother. Must feels a bit sucky when she tells me she had a really nice time, but doesn’t like to spend money doing things like that with us.

 

[screamqueen]

This is going to sound petty/coming across as jealousy, but I just want to understand why. I saw my mum over Easter and she told me she went out for bottomless brunch and a day shopping with a friend and her daughter (family friends of over 25 years, so pretty close family friends… I don’t want to give too much away) but I find it so bizarre she will never want to do things like that with me and my sister. If I ever meet her for a day of shopping, and tbh, one day is enough to spend with her, if I would suggest lunch or somewhere to eat, she’ll just suggest a coffee in Costa, which I have no issue with! It just kind of makes me feel a bit crappy that she would never want to anything fun like that with us (which involves spending money, too) Maybe it’s cos these people are heavy drinkers and they enable her. We’ve had bust ups in the past about her drinking when I still lived at home. Obviously, you don’t have to get tit faced when you have bottomless brunch…I don’t know what I’m trying to say And I know people have a lot shittier times with their mother. Must feels a bit sucky when she tells me she had a really nice time, but doesn’t like to spend money doing things like that with us.

I wouldn’t worry about how this might come across - what I’m starting to realise is our feelings and how our parents make us feel are completely valid. It doesn’t matter if we feel the moment is ‘petty’ or that someone else’s parents are worse - we wouldn’t compare our traumas to each other and see who had it worse, we just accept it and do what we can to help.

It’s been interesting for me reading this thread as I’m new to understanding my mums behaviour and have noticed so many patterns to what other people have talked about here, and it’s reassuring to know I’m not alone and that how she makes me feel is completely valid.

Sorry you had this event with your mum, and I can empathise as mine is the same. Constantly talks about her friends where she lives, yet my sibling messaged her to see if she was up for us visiting as we haven’t seen her for a while and she completely ghosted them. Then when we brought it up she acted like we were supposed to have surprised her or something? It’s exhausting.

 

[Leelah]

My mom used to always start arguments with me out of nowhere. It was a daily occurrence from when I was 5 to the day I cut her off at 25. I specifically remember, I was 7 sitting on the floor and focused on a colouring book. She pushed me out of nowhere, took my markers and pencils and broke all of them in front of me. I couldn't stop crying. She did the same one afternoon when I was around 9/10 - I was making bracelets in my room and she kept calling me useless because I wasn't doing chores instead (even though she had never asked me to do any chores).

My mom would always pick up fights to find an excuse to hit me. Then, when I turned 18, she stopped hitting me and used the silent treatment instead. She would start ignoring me out of the blue for weeks on end. It was very destabilizing and messing with my mind a lot. It was her way to control me when she couldn't hit me anymore. Narcissists have a need for constant drama. They can't live without it.

I noticed she started doing the same to my youngest sister. I visited for the first time in 6 years a couple months ago and saw her picking up a fight out of nowhere with my youngest sister (who told me it was a constant). They always need a prey. When it wasn't me or my sister, it was my dad when he was alive and when it wasn't anyone in the family, it was the neighbours. She'd go out to the backyard and start calling them names. There wasn't a day that went by where she didn't pick up a fight with someone, anyone.

That said, I suspect she has some mental imbalance because people generally want peace.

Wow!!! Exactly same experience... Yes they need drama and conflict all the time!! I still get the nit picking and arguing everyday even now even over minor stuff just for the sake of causing an argument. I think you're bang on with the last sentence, something isn't right.

 

[Good Egg]

Wow, so I'm so glad I stumbled across this thread - what an eye opener.

For years I've brushed off things my mum did as her just being a bit weird, or just struggling with mental health issues, and despite being close with her when I was younger, I definitely started to drift from her after moving away to university. I was fine with this, but she struggled with it I think.

Anyway, fast forward to present day, and I've been really struggling with her and the things she says and does - I've seen lots of similarities from reading through everyone's experiences here (you're all so brave ) - the hypochondria, the illnesses exaggerated tenfold, brushing my feelings off as being 'childish' when I tell her she's said something to upset me, complaining she can't do something to the point of me and my siblings getting too frustrated and just doing it for her, telling other people exaggerated things about what my siblings and I do/don't do, the list is endless. It's more psychological than anything else, but I can't help the way she makes me feel.

She's recently been going through cancer treatment and despite the doctor's saying she's getting better she can't help but stay on the doom and gloom side and complain about it all despite me trying to make her see the positives. She even told us initially that she might not go through with the treatment as her 'agoraphobia' (which seems to have come out of nowhere) makes it hard for her. And to tell you we had a go at her for that is an understatement - how selfish to tell your children that you might just not bother getting your cancer treatment - what a head duck.

During her treatment, as it was difficult for her to talk, we whatsapped her daily to check in rather than call, she said she needed certain things to make her treatment more bareable, and these were ordered and sent next day to her, no questions asked (one was over £100). She then had to go into hospital for a chest infection and all hell broke loose - she sent us a text basically saying she was embarrassed of us and was sick of making excuses that we had done nothing for her, how everyone else has made the effort and we've done nothing (I've failed to mention that before she even started her treatment, we all offered separately to have her stay with us during her treatment so she had someone on hand to help her and she turned us all down - victim playing again). She has a head ex-partner who on numerous occasions has said he wishes she were dead, and for some reason he has been staying with her helping her. We were glad she had someone, we're not monsters, but now despite having left him multiple times in the past, he's now some kind of hero in her eyes, and we are the terrible children. Stockholm syndrome, much?

What I don't know is where she sits on the scale of things - would this be considered narc behaviour, or something else?

I don't really know what I'm looking for here, but to see I'm not alone in this was such a weight lifted. I haven't messaged her since she sent that horrible message and frankly I don't really know how to go forward from her. My sibling called her and she essentially acted like nothing was wrong, so now I'm just waiting for the pass-agg message that I haven't been in touch, and what not. God, it's exhausting isn't it?

Love to you all x

I just want to send you a big hug. Cancer is serious, but to say to your children “I just won’t bother having treatment then or to that effect is damnright cruel” I’m sorry. As a normal family dynamic you’d work through it together- even if she was worried about the treatment- it’s like she’s twisting the narrative to cause YOU unnecessary hurt. That’s just nasty.
Also you could bring the moon and stars to her and she’s complain she wanted constellations and milky ways. I hope you are getting support too. The whole process of dealing with a narc parent hurts your mind and heart. You can always vent here x

 

[screamqueen]

I just want to send you a big hug. Cancer is serious, but to say to your children “I just won’t bother having treatment then or to that effect is damnright cruel” I’m sorry. As a normal family dynamic you’d work through it together- even if she was worried about the treatment- it’s like she’s twisting the narrative to cause YOU unnecessary hurt. That’s just nasty.
Also you could bring the moon and stars to her and she’s complain she wanted constellations and milky ways. I hope you are getting support too. The whole process of dealing with a narc parent hurts your mind and heart. You can always vent here x

Firstly, thankyou so much It was so nice to read this as you get it.
Your point about the moon and stars - so spot on. My sibling actually said something similar to her that if we rang her every day for 6 days and didn’t on the 7th she’d complain about how much we are terrible children, so you’re absolutely right.

Yes, her saying she wouldn’t even get the treatment was horrible. Even my partner got angry about that as he lost a parent and couldn’t fathom how she was even saying something like that to us. It hurt and thankfully she went through with it and is almost out the other side now and getting better which is good.

It really does hurt your heart and your head, doesn’t it? My partner has been really good in supporting me but I’m considering writing all of it down just to get it out of my head.

Thankyou again for being so kind X

Has anyone here been to therapy for their narc parents?

 

[HitnMiss]

Has anyone here been to therapy for their narc parents?

I've been having therapy for several years, not initially for this but it turns out my adoptive mother and brother are narcs.

 

[screamqueen]

I've been having therapy for several years, not initially for this but it turns out my adoptive mother and brother are narcs.

Oh wow, sorry to hear that - have you found therapy to be helpful? It’s not something I’ve explored before.

Hope you’re doing okay x