Narcissistic and Toxic parents.

[no-no]

Day 5 of my mum ignoring me only this time, unfortunately for her, it’s not having the usual desired affect…..and it feels great

Do you find when you start speaking again it’s “are you okay? have you calmed down now?” When my mum acts up and I don’t bother texting her she always does this and I’m like you should text if you’re “OKAY”. Always making out you’re the unstable one.

 

[Blonde123]

Really?! That’s a tad petty!

Very petty! It’s all about control

 

[Meringue22]

Do you find when you start speaking again it’s “are you okay? have you calmed down now?” When my mum acts up and I don’t bother texting her she always does this and I’m like you should text if you’re “OKAY”. Always making out you’re the unstable one.

She’s not given me the silent treatment for this long before but in the past she’s reacted the same as your mum. ‘What was all that about?!’ etc
I’ve never defended myself before but if and when she decides to communicate she’s not putting the blame on me this time

 

[Mustard]

I haven’t read this whole thread but wanted to flag up a recent podcast called Terrible, Thanks for Asking entitled Motherland with an interview with the author, Elisda Altman who has also written a book of the same name. It’s about her relationship with her narc mother.

Soz,
It’s Elissa Altman not Elisda! Her mother was diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. She’s on Instagram under her name.

 

[Rodneytrotter]

I hope everyone here is doing ok.

Its been 5 months since I went NC with my dad (although he hasn't spoken to me either so not sure who cut who off first) but anyway i am so much more peaceful now.

I am contemplating moving areas as there is always that chance that I may risk bumping into him in town or wherever. The trouble is that it would mean relocating my children who are happy at school etc.

I never thought I'd cope being non contact but it was the best thing I did. I definitely recommend it or at least keeping busy and building up healthy friendships with others and lessening contact with toxic people.

 

[Maid22]

It's been a while since I posted here, really hope you're all doing ok?
Just needed to off load, have no where else to, it was my bday last week, I don't celebrate it for a number of reasons, but always get a card from my mother, (no other contact for last 10yrs), first time in yrs she put from 'dad' last I heard, months ago, he was on the way out, really wish she wouldn't, but I know she only does it for 'show', so if I ever I say anything, she'll say, but I always sent her a bday card, I tried, what alot of shite, she could have tried harder, but having a liar of her husband and a son, (I can't put into words how I feel about him, let's just say, I wish him dead), just needed to write it down.

 

[Rodneytrotter]

It's been a while since I posted here, really hope you're all doing ok?
Just needed to off load, have no where else to, it was my bday last week, I don't celebrate it for a number of reasons, but always get a card from my mother, (no other contact for last 10yrs), first time in yrs she put from 'dad' last I heard, months ago, he was on the way out, really wish she wouldn't, but I know she only does it for 'show', so if I ever I say anything, she'll say, but I always sent her a bday card, I tried, what alot of shite, she could have tried harder, but having a liar of her husband and a son, (I can't put into words how I feel about him, let's just say, I wish him dead), just needed to write it down.

I hope you feel better for writing it down. We all support you here. They do a lot for show because that's more important to them than facing what they're really like.

I hope you are OK and maybe managing to distract yourself from this as much as possible m

 

[Maid22]

I hope you feel better for writing it down. We all support you here. They do a lot for show because that's more important to them than facing what they're really like.

I hope you are OK and maybe managing to distract yourself from this as much as possible m

Thank you, just felt I needed to write it down, my oh has had years of it ( he's had his own issues with families) I've learnt to live it, and my life is soo much better without them, but when I hear from them, brings up the bad tit for a while, really wish they'd just disappear and I could just erase them from my mind

 

[Thank(space)you]

My mum has a chest xray tomorrow. We're no contact, but I don't know what I'm going to do/think if it's cancer.

 

[1181carmenta]

I’ve read your stories and it’s so nice to know although we have all had some horrible experiences, that we all have one another and a little community who can understand and relate to one another. I’d like to share my story but I’m not sure where to begin as there’s so much to say. I’ll do my best.

- Single mother with two younger brothers. We were very poor. My dad was abusive (apparently) and was never in the picture.
-My mum has osteoporosis a degenerative bone disease which meant she stopped working when I was in year 6 or around then. Financial situation at home got MUCH worse (and we were struggling before) which increased the tension and upset massively
- I was the golden child - her favourite - up until I went to secondary school. She was very over protective of me (or so I thought) and I wasn’t encouraged to play outside, it was actually restricted; people could come in to our garden but I wasn’t allowed to play on my own outside for a long time when I was old enough to realistically
- She had me when she was 35 so I think when I was reaching 12/13 my youth and growing into a young woman started to bother her. I was very smart and couldn’t understand why I wasn’t allowed to sleep at my friend’s house or go out like the other kids
- Used to make sexual based comments towards me - this was before I even knew what sex was. Telling me to keep my legs crossed when she dropped me at a friend’s house and when I got embarrassed, embarrassed me further by saying “oh you’re having hot flushes” - stuff to this effect
- Always treated me differently than my brothers; I thought it was that I was the oldest and had to set a good example, but I would be expected to do things and they wouldn’t; I’d be punished and they wouldn’t. I know realise and know in my heart it’s because I’m a female so she feels competition and envy towards me in a way she doesn’t with them
- I began standing up for myself because she would CONSTANTLY antagonise me, pick on me and provoke me. She wouldn’t let me individuate and tried to intimidate and bully me into not doing so. I knew it was unusual and strange and that I was old enough to make friends and do normal teenage things - this increased her behaviour
- Refused to take me anywhere; wouldn’t drive me 10 minutes down the road (an hour long walk that I did repeatedly because it was HER night and I was selfish - even though I was tiny and it was dangerous for me); I didn’t have a mobile phone for over a year and was expected to walk home and back however long it took; wouldn’t pick me up; if she did take me somewhere, she’d intimidate me the whole time with passive aggression
- I never felt like I could never come to her with ANYTHING, I felt uncomfortable around her, could never just be myself. Always had to pander to her and edit myself so she liked me. Had to earn her kindness. It wasn’t natural. Always felt I was parenting and looking after her, and I wasn’t being supported in the same way
- Started self-harming and getting really depressed because of my home life. The poverty, the way she treated me - I would dread coming home and feel sick approaching the house. I would eat tea every night alone, and I would be quiet and stay in my room, she would still manage to argue with me even though I avoided her like the plague - but it was always my fault and I was always the aggressor
- I self-harmed for AGES and kept it a secret but she was that self absorbed she didn’t even know and found out because school had called her. She then shamed me repeatedly in front of my brothers saying I was crazy, and went on and on about how much I’d hurt her……..

 

[no-no]

I am trying so hard to work on myself right now and just one message off her and I feel like crying. She text me before asking if I was okay so I replied yes etc. and she asked if I needed anything so I thanked her and said no, have a nice day. Perfectly normal?

Then I get a caps lock “what’s up?! Have I upset you? (Here we go again with me being unhinged) If you need a break from me let me know” along those lines I know exactly what she’s doing, so I replied saying what are you on about, do you need something? And it was all “noo, I’m fine etc.” and then throws in a “I’ll go to the shop later”.

I am 33 and she thinks I should spend my Saturdays with her. That we should go to a supermarket then I sit in her house for hours whilst she rants and drinks. It is so crazy-making. I’m currently dealing with a narcissistic ex and she doesn’t make any attempt to consider that. She loves when I’m single because “I’m hers” then. That’s why I spent so long with my ex because both fates are rotten but at least he was my age and I didn’t have to be around her.

Reading this back it sounds ridiculous, but it’s the feeling that you’re not your own person and the manipulation for me to spend my days with her and “keep her company”. Obviously there’s something emotionally wrong with me because I’ve not offered to take her to a supermarket and spend waste my day with her. She doesn’t even care that it’s not quality time, she just wants me at her disposal. I don’t know a single person who does this, especially at my age. The fact she doesn’t appreciate this is so maddening.

 

[Rodneytrotter]

I am trying so hard to work on myself right now and just one message off her and I feel like crying. She text me before asking if I was okay so I replied yes etc. and she asked if I needed anything so I thanked her and said no, have a nice day. Perfectly normal?

Then I get a caps lock “what’s up?! Have I upset you? (Here we go again with me being unhinged) If you need a break from me let me know” along those lines I know exactly what she’s doing, so I replied saying what are you on about, do you need something? And it was all “noo, I’m fine etc.” and then throws in a “I’ll go to the shop later”.

I am 33 and she thinks I should spend my Saturdays with her. That we should go to a supermarket then I sit in her house for hours whilst she rants and drinks. It is so crazy-making. I’m currently dealing with a narcissistic ex and she doesn’t make any attempt to consider that. She loves when I’m single because “I’m hers” then. That’s why I spent so long with my ex because both fates are rotten but at least he was my age and I didn’t have to be around her.

Reading this back it sounds ridiculous, but it’s the feeling that you’re not your own person and the manipulation for me to spend my days with her and “keep her company”. Obviously there’s something emotionally wrong with me because I’ve not offered to take her to a supermarket and spend waste my day with her. She doesn’t even care that it’s not quality time, she just wants me at her disposal. I don’t know a single person who does this, especially at my age. The fact she doesn’t appreciate this is so maddening.

I can relate. Is there any way you can make up plans for all of your free time?

My mum has passed now but was similar. She rang me when I was on a second date with a guy who had taken me to lunch calling me selfish because I always see her on a Tuesday and she would just be alone and I can carry on being selfish. I burst into tears and my date was very sweet but I didnt see him again.

I also got to my lunch break one time and had loads of missed calls so I called her and she had broken down and was in the garage. Again I was selfish and she said she'd just deal with it alone. I burst into tears and she said 'why you crying'. I worked with special needs children i couldn't just leave, plus she had my dad but he is far too busy and important to interrupt.

Sorry for going on about myself there its a bad habit.

Definitely create a life away from her keep yourself busy xx

 

[no-no]

I can relate. Is there any way you can make up plans for all of your free time?

My mum has passed now but was similar. She rang me when I was on a second date with a guy who had taken me to lunch calling me selfish because I always see her on a Tuesday and she would just be alone and I can carry on being selfish. I burst into tears and my date was very sweet but I didnt see him again.

I also got to my lunch break one time and had loads of missed calls so I called her and she had broken down and was in the garage. Again I was selfish and she said she'd just deal with it alone. I burst into tears and she said 'why you crying'. I worked with special needs children i couldn't just leave, plus she had my dad but he is far too busy and important to interrupt.

Sorry for going on about myself there its a bad habit.

Definitely create a life away from her keep yourself busy xx

Thank you And not at all, it’s good to hear other peoples’ experiences. It’s reassuring that you can relate, I feel like I’m screaming into a void in real life. My mum is more covert, so there’s an unspoken expectation you will pander to her. I didn’t socialise growing up because it wasn’t worth the silent treatments. She was so jealous of me being with other people but when she got what she wanted she’d go around telling people I was a basket case.

In the past I’d let it build up and explode “no one wants to spend their weekends with their parents!”, she’d just tut and revel in my upset. I now know they get fuel off that so won’t say anything. She’ll probably get drunk today and tell anyone she can speak to that her kids are terrible.

To be honest, I have barely any energy to get through the week so I’m building up to making plans. I have therapy and trying to work on self-compassion etc. whilst wanting to educate myself on how I was conditioned so I’m aware of red flags in the future. I really want to stop this vicious cycle. My ex is doing a smear campaign and some stalking, still messaging me months into no contact saying he seen me at X place or other random crap; I feel like I’m being pulled in every direction.

 

[Rodneytrotter]

Thank you And not at all, it’s good to hear other peoples’ experiences. It’s reassuring that you can relate, I feel like I’m screaming into a void in real life. My mum is more covert, so there’s an unspoken expectation you will pander to her. I didn’t socialise growing up because it wasn’t worth the silent treatments. She was so jealous of me being with other people but when she got what she wanted she’d go around telling people I was a basket case.

In the past I’d let it build up and explode “no one wants to spend their weekends with their parents!”, she’d just tut and revel in my upset. I now know they get fuel off that so won’t say anything. She’ll probably get drunk today and tell anyone she can speak to that her kids are terrible.

To be honest, I have barely any energy to get through the week so I’m building up to making plans. I have therapy and trying to work on self-compassion etc. whilst wanting to educate myself on how I was conditioned so I’m aware of red flags in the future. I really want to stop this vicious cycle. My ex is doing a smear campaign and some stalking, still messaging me months into no contact saying he seen me at X place or other random crap; I feel like I’m being pulled in every direction.

Im glad you are having therapy. I have just started and am working on boundaries and self worth.

I didnt socialise growing up either because she would block any attempt. It got to the point I would choose to stay in as it felt safer.

Can you get police involvement with your ex? I've never been in that situation but wonder if it is harassment and he coukd be told to stop.

 

[Thank(space)you]

I am trying so hard to work on myself right now and just one message off her and I feel like crying. She text me before asking if I was okay so I replied yes etc. and she asked if I needed anything so I thanked her and said no, have a nice day. Perfectly normal?

Then I get a caps lock “what’s up?! Have I upset you? (Here we go again with me being unhinged) If you need a break from me let me know” along those lines I know exactly what she’s doing, so I replied saying what are you on about, do you need something? And it was all “noo, I’m fine etc.” and then throws in a “I’ll go to the shop later”.

I am 33 and she thinks I should spend my Saturdays with her. That we should go to a supermarket then I sit in her house for hours whilst she rants and drinks. It is so crazy-making. I’m currently dealing with a narcissistic ex and she doesn’t make any attempt to consider that. She loves when I’m single because “I’m hers” then. That’s why I spent so long with my ex because both fates are rotten but at least he was my age and I didn’t have to be around her.

Reading this back it sounds ridiculous, but it’s the feeling that you’re not your own person and the manipulation for me to spend my days with her and “keep her company”. Obviously there’s something emotionally wrong with me because I’ve not offered to take her to a supermarket and spend waste my day with her. She doesn’t even care that it’s not quality time, she just wants me at her disposal. I don’t know a single person who does this, especially at my age. The fact she doesn’t appreciate this is so maddening.

My mum is exactly the same. Going no contact (well, very limited contact) has helped massively with my mental health, I don't know if it's something you would consider?

 

[yogiessexdubs]

Hello all, I just made an account as I'm busy going through all of your comments & had to reply! I also have this, I have gone as far as Dubai to distance myself. My middle brother died & now have zero to do with my mum/step father & little to do with my older brother. I'm not married or anything so sometimes that's hard. Helpful to know people are going through the same thing, most people I know have 'normal' families.

 

[no-no]

My mum is exactly the same. Going no contact (well, very limited contact) has helped massively with my mental health, I don't know if it's something you would consider?

Ugh, sorry I spoke to her before and obviously there was a massive drama with her going the shop on her own. But not to worry, a “lovely woman who would never leave her mother stranded” took her home because she couldn’t get a taxi. And she told her to have a drink when she got in Why go out when the match is on? Taxis have long waits.

I said why did you go, you went shopping last week and said you “had enough food for three weeks”. She got all excited “I was ready to go out! I was all dressed, I wanted to go out” i.e. I had assumed you would be taking me out.

I used to see her everyday and have really limited my contact. She bought me flowers but I told her I don’t have another vase because I bought some myself yesterday (true). She just got something short life because she wanted me to go round today but I don’t want to. I live really close and no one else bothers with her so it’s hard.

When she’s not in these moods she’s actually okay to be around and I would have had no issue taking her shopping yesterday if it was a drop off, get your stuff, then home (normal shop). But she will literally look at cat toys when she doesn’t have one and drag the whole process out. Then if I just drop her home and unpack the shopping it’s all “ohhhh, are you going now? I thought you would’ve stayed” or “oh, are you leaving me”.

Sorry for length!

 

[miamae]

My mum has her moments, and I feel like I tread on eggshells every single time I see her. I had my first daughter at 16 and she used this against me. I remember being at work and I used to get home a bit later than planned due to having to use public transport etc, and one day I found her diary and she had noted every single day that I had been late home. Which made me feel really uncomfortable as if she was trying to work up a case to take my little girl. Loads more has happened since then, and even though I have a brilliant career and have beaten all the odds of becoming a single mum at 16 I never got any recognition for it. It’s all a bit bizarre!

 

[it’s not been changed?!]

@no-no @Rodneytrotter I can relate to your comments.
I remember I was at work (must have been about 4 years ago now) and I was still living at home and my mum had locked herself out of the house and she rung me having a full on breakdown, crying, wailing and shouting (classic mum behaviour, she always goes over he top and dramatic) and demanded I come home and help her. I worked 20 odd miles away from home and it wasn’t somewhere i could up and leave. My sister’s bf had to go and help her in the end.
Another time, I told her I would be spending nye with a chap I had began seeing (I was still living at home) and she threw a strop and was like “oh thanks!! what about me!!!” Even though she had friends but will never initiate to do things with them. I was 32/33 at the time.
I’m 36 now and have moved out

 

[JoeBloggs]

Both my in laws are narcissists. Recently my FIL and my husband fell out, he has very different political views to us and spouts off on Facebook a lot and this time he said people who voted our way should be refused the vaccine and left to die. My husband had had a glass or two and let rip. They haven’t spoken since, this isn’t new behaviour for them either.

Last week I get a message off him, basically saying he had no idea what went wrong or what my husband thinks he did and that he had arranged something for a friend and felt my husband should know.

I had to say something and replyied saying that he should speak to my husband, told him what I thought he did wrong and that he always make everything about him and only contacts us when he wants something (usually money) and that his son, my husbands half brother, has done the same and asked us to be a guarantor on a loan for a car. We haven’t seen him in 3/4 years and he is 18!

His dads response was, I don’t see the point in replying but just to clarify I asked X to contact you because I thought his older brother might like to help as they never hear from him.

There is more to it, but I’ve summarised. I just can’t even believe he thinks his behaviour is ok. My husband doesn’t see these kids as his siblings, he never grew up with them and was in his teens when they were born. We haven’t had much to do with them as their mothers have had on and off contact with their father.

He came to stay with us after his divorce, we’ve lent him money, my husbands been to court and written statements for him to get access to the kids.