Narcissistic and Toxic parents.

[Lovely_rita]

I was just thinking.... my parents never told me they loved me or cuddled me. The first person to tell me they loved me was a boy who fancied me at secondary school.

I find it hard to tell my husband I love him. Sometimes I sit there and think to myself that I should just come out and say it but I never do im too ashamed/ embarrassed.

Also, does anyone know how to block out the horrible things parents have said to us? They constantly go around and around in my head - I've just had my dad in my head telling me how lazy I am when I sat down. I'm starting counselling on Tuesday so I might ask..

I also have a weird thing with the L word. It took me ages to feel love. It felt so strange to say it to my partner, and it still does sometimes. He is very understanding though.

His childhood wasn't perfect. His parents messed up and raised him in ways that would he frowned upon now. But he never, ever doubted that his parents loved him and his sister to death and they always meant well.

He finds it utterly tragic that a child would ever cry themselves to sleep because they feel so unworthy and unloved by their parents. He cannot fathom it. He speaks to his parents at least a couple of times a week, and they always say they love each other when saying goodbye. When we stayed with his father, his dad gave both of us a hug before going to bed.

Totally alien concept to me. It really damages a child to grow up without physical and emotional affection. It literally wires our brain differently.

 

[Thank(space)you]

I also have a weird thing with the L word. It took me ages to feel love. It felt so strange to say it to my partner, and it still does sometimes. He is very understanding though.

His childhood wasn't perfect. His parents messed up and raised him in ways that would he frowned upon now. But he never, ever doubted that his parents loved him and his sister to death and they always meant well.

He finds it utterly tragic that a child would ever cry themselves to sleep because they feel so unworthy and unloved by their parents. He cannot fathom it. He speaks to his parents at least a couple of times a week, and they always say they love each other when saying goodbye. When we stayed with his father, his dad gave both of us a hug before going to bed.

Totally alien concept to me. It really damages a child to grow up without physical and emotional affection. It literally wires our brain differently.

I'm the same regarding love and talking about feelings in general. It's been an issue in past relationships sadly

 

[Merpedy]

Have people had the silent treatment before? If so, how do you deal with it?

My toxic mum has decided to use it on me today because I refused to wake up early and make a call for her that she could have (and did) make herself. I feel now that it was probably not the best move on my part, but getting the silent treatment just brings it back to all those times that I firmly believe I did do the right thing and the outcome was the same.

It's honestly just really tiring and makes any negative feelings around the house that little bit amplified

 

[Blonde123]

Have people had the silent treatment before? If so, how do you deal with it?

My toxic mum has decided to use it on me today because I refused to wake up early and make a call for her that she could have (and did) make herself. I feel now that it was probably not the best move on my part, but getting the silent treatment just brings it back to all those times that I firmly believe I did do the right thing and the outcome was the same.

It's honestly just really tiring and makes any negative feelings around the house that little bit amplified

Try not to worry and let it ride out. She’ll speak to you soon enough (when she wants something!) x

 

[Rodneytrotter]

Those of you who are non contact.... how do you deal with them sending birthday cards to your children? This is my next hurdle so I want to be prepared.

Do you thank them or get your kids to thank them? I could get my husband to text a thank you.

Have people had the silent treatment before? If so, how do you deal with it?

My toxic mum has decided to use it on me today because I refused to wake up early and make a call for her that she could have (and did) make herself. I feel now that it was probably not the best move on my part, but getting the silent treatment just brings it back to all those times that I firmly believe I did do the right thing and the outcome was the same.

It's honestly just really tiring and makes any negative feelings around the house that little bit amplified

Not sure if this will help but I used to always be very quick to make the peace to ensure they were pleased with me again as I cannot stand the tension but after the most recent incident I didn't (and so it's been 5 weeks of no contact which I've decided I will continue) .

 

[Thank(space)you]

My sister is non contact with our mum and she refuses to accept any cards/gifts etc for the children from our mum

 

[lira]

My sister is non contact with our mum and she refuses to accept any cards/gifts etc for the children from our mum

I was going to say I just wouldn't acknowledge it. Thankfully birthdays weren't a big thing in my family home growing up so no chance of cards or presents, but my narc dad calls my father in law from time to time to try and get updates on us and my FIL, bless him, stays schtum when it comes to us.

 

[Rodneytrotter]

My sister is non contact with our mum and she refuses to accept any cards/gifts etc for the children from our mum

Yeah I can understand that. To be honest he might not acknowledge it but I'd like to be prepared because I hate it when he catches me off guard.

I think I'll get my hubby to deal with it whej its the kids because then I don't have to think too much or go over scenarios. I wouldn't acknowledge it if he sent me one which I doubt he ever will anyway.

I was going to say I just wouldn't acknowledge it. Thankfully birthdays weren't a big thing in my family home growing up so no chance of cards or presents, but my narc dad calls my father in law from time to time to try and get updates on us and my FIL, bless him, stays schtum when it comes to us.

Wow, does your dad ever try and contact you himself?

 

[Eureka]

Those of you who are non contact.... how do you deal with them sending birthday cards to your children? This is my next hurdle so I want to be prepared.

Do you thank them or get your kids to thank them? I could get my husband to text a thank you.

Straight in the bin. Gifts are donated to the local charity shop.

 

[lira]

Wow, does your dad ever try and contact you himself?

He probably does but I have him blocked in every way possible, sadly the old memories love rent free in my head and can't block those out, but it's a very stress free life otherwise

 

[Rodneytrotter]

He probably does but I have him blocked in every way possible, sadly the old memories love rent free in my head and can't block those out, but it's a very stress free life otherwise

Oh im pleased for you! I'm starting to become stress free too. I know what you mean about the memories though they are quite tricky

 

[hypoharpy]

I’m glad to have read this (although sorry for your experience). A recent relationship breakdown opened my eyes to him being a narc and the bigger picture being that my Mum ticks all the boxes as well. I had an awful experience last night, I’ve been following a “Narcissist Survivor” page on Instagram and they do those “ask me anything” questions the last time I asked I got a response that upset me, along the lines of “with respect you’ve been asking questions for months now and you haven’t asked any about how you can heal” - I sent them a private message explaining I’d bought their book and had taken steps towards helping myself (left the relationship/bought my own home), last night they did a live video and loads of people asked questions, I asked 2, none of which were answered and then the second question she said “I’m not even going to read that” before going on to read the questions around it, again I sent a message asking if there had been a problem because the last interactions I’d had with the page have left me feeling quite invalidated and like nobody would believe what has happened (despite me not going in to any detail) and I’m actually the problem... the page has blocked me. I was honestly devastated, spent all night wondering if I’m the narc and felt like I was going crazy can not get the thought out of my head now, don’t want to turn in to my mum and blaming myself for everything that happened in the relationship (he cheated, manipulated and was gaslighting me for months). I feel so embarrassed that they’ve just blocked me.

That's horrible. You are better off away from this group . Do your research . You tube is also a good resource. The more knowledge you have, the stronger you will feel. Keep going my love

Those of you who are non contact.... how do you deal with them sending birthday cards to your children? This is my next hurdle so I want to be prepared.

Do you thank them or get your kids to thank them? I could get my husband to text a thank you.



Not sure if this will help but I used to always be very quick to make the peace to ensure they were pleased with me again as I cannot stand the tension but after the most recent incident I didn't (and so it's been 5 weeks of no contact which I've decided I will continue) .

I sent them back at first , the cards and cheque in bits ( very childish,I'll admit). Eventually I just binned them. It wasn't worth the stamp

 

[Cosmicpixiesb]

Have people had the silent treatment before? If so, how do you deal with it?

My toxic mum has decided to use it on me today because I refused to wake up early and make a call for her that she could have (and did) make herself. I feel now that it was probably not the best move on my part, but getting the silent treatment just brings it back to all those times that I firmly believe I did do the right thing and the outcome was the same.

It's honestly just really tiring and makes any negative feelings around the house that little bit amplified

My mum did this to me for two years in my twenties when I moved in with my boyfriend. I wanted her to look at the house we'd be getting. I said sorry for being selfish but I need you there today. She thought I'd called her selfish. I am no good with confrontation - prob due to only child in single parent family. I went and bought her flowers to apologise. They went in the bin. I wrote letters that she never found apparently. She eventually sent me a letter saying I was dead to her. We did make up when she had an op and almost died. I could tell she expected ME to apologise so I bit the bullet and did. We are close but not like before. She constantly brings up me going to NYC with my bf when not talking as it was "her" dream and she's glad she "finally" got to go when I took her a few years ago. It messed me up so much to the point I'm only just realising our relationship was enmeshed and not normal at 38, and starting counseling next week to unpack it all. I am constantly terrified my boyfriend will leave me because of this though he is amazing at understanding it all.

 

[ItsEmmie]

Hey guys. I would love some honest opinions on situation going on for me atm that makes me feel so worthless.

Growing up I saw, was told and heard a lot of things I shouldn’t. A few are that my brother has a different dad, my mum told me she was ‘nearly’ raped, I saw her being beaten by my dad, I’d be shooed off upstairs when random men would turn up. She had an affair with my best friends dad then dumped him for his cousin, I never saw my best friend again. As I grew up if I questioned or asked anything about these she called me a liar, my whole family hated me over my brothers dad as they didn’t believe me until one of my mothers old friends asked him if he ever met his real dad. I became the black sheep of the family and over time anxiety I got from being little manifested into huge anxiety and anorexia.

2 years ago my mother and her partner of 20 years (who I never met before he moved in with us) split. She was very down so I moved out of my flat where I had been making huge strides in improving my life and my confidence and moved home as she had taken a financial hit and I was just worried about her in general.

In the past year our relationship has been the worst it’s ever been. Unfortunately for me even though she treats my brothers crap also they will alway always side with her even if she’s doing to me what she’s just don’t to them. Then just think I’m bad. I’m not the one who spits at and throws cups at people.

Anyway about 6 months ago I sat on the toilet and reached for what I thought was my phone on the window ledge. I turned it round and it was the most pornographic gifs of people having sex between my mother and a man (someone who knows he sister really well) she was telling him to get between her legs and him and his dog were all that she wants (she’d never met him). As a woman who constantly tells my 2 brothers they’re c**** because they put their wives before her i that this was abit pot kettle. Anyway, she literally didn’t speak to me at all she’d just sit messaging this man (she didn’t know I saw it) for Months I’d feel very alone like if I spoke she was like ffs hurry up then it all stopped. I randomly asked about 2 months what happened to this man and she said he took 30 minutes to reply so she blocked him (she did this twice unblocked him and said she’d been hacked to him) but he was funny and she’d liked him.

I told her that was pathetic she should unblock him add him back on to Facebook. Didn’t say anything else but I’d noticed her again being completely closed off when she came home from work head down on her phone the whole time.

3 days ago we went to IKEA all day and it was longgggg so many queues we were glad to be home suddenly she started getting very glam to go to dinner on a Sunday with her friend Mel. In my head I thought nahhhh this is that man why is she lying to me she knows I’d be happy for her she thinks I’m worthless . It instantly made me feel worthless like she thought I was as thick as when I was a child and not worth being honest with. The next morning I said “how was your date” and her jaw hit the floor. I said you know I’m not a stupid child anymore you should be honest me what if something happened and I told the police you were with Mel but you were actually with a man called Simon (not real names lol).

I’ve spent the past two days thinking and realised that when they are good she constantly tells me to move out (I’m not in the position to atm) but when they are not talking she’ll just scream and swear at me out of frustration.

So this morning she started getting ready and I said to you want me to drop you anywhere (she doesn’t drive and if I can I always take her places to save her money) and she was like I’m going for my eyebrows I was like yeah I don’t mind dropping you? Then I twigged as again she was very glam and I said why are you doing that? You’re making me dislike this man by making me feel I’m not worthy of honestly (she constantly calls me a useless piece of sh it and a bleep) - I am happy for you but stop lying to me as you’ve done my whole life!!! It’s just really upset me but when I’ve done anything without telling her she’s kicked off!

If I borrow my brother £10 for electric I have to swear him to silence as she kicks off, I once had £5000 in my bank Id saved but didn’t tell her she did literal sums and worked it out and went nuts, when I was 26 I went out to Manchester with my mates and she didn’t know until it was on fb and she rang my friend screaming at her. If I took my Nan & cousin out instead of her she’d blocked my cousin yet now they are best mates and I haven’t spoken to my cousin for 5 years. When I was with my ex she would constantly text me when I went on my first date with him she Miss called me 3 times!! Just a few of manyyy examples .

Am I being unreasonable? Does anyone actually understand where I am coming from? When you grow up being lied to or being called a liar it is so so hurtful to be lied to as an adult like you’re considered a thick cow.

 

[Eureka]

Hey guys. I would love some honest opinions on situation going on for me atm that makes me feel so worthless.

Didn't want to quote your whole post. God she sounds like a nightmare. I don't think you are being unreasonable at all but you are fighting a losing game here. Trying to reason with a toxic parent is like boxing with one hand behind your back - you will always lose.

All I can say is do you need to be living with her?

 

[Kim Mild]

Not my parents but my Inlaws ,especially my father in law.

They keep putting my kids in danger and then arguing about it when I pull them up on it. The gave a 1 year old a whole grape and then said they never cur grapes up in their day( strange that cos when I was little, grapes had seeds in) and they gave a small child a mini egg ( thank god they spat it out) . He tries to make out like I'm overeacting .
We have major issues with child car seats, they can't seem to deal with them , and refuse to rear face . They have bought cheap halfords seats ( like the one size fits all harnessed ones) but still use them incorrectly, like not having the harness tight enough and putting a blanket under so it doesn't damage the upholstery.
I think bringing up this behaviour would make them more likely to continue it out of spite .

I'm so angry about it all writing this.

 

[leapricot]

I cannot remember if I ever posted in this thread (if I have please forgive me) but there have been some stuff just going round in my head for years and I don't know what I should do.
So I am originally from France and I moved to the UK nearly 6 years ago. Now, looking back, I think I did this subconsciously to stay away from both of my parents.

In appearance, I had a very lovely childhood. I was an only child and was very spoilt. Only in terms of material things. My dad was working a lot and when he was home, he was still very absent. Only was watching TV and never helped my mom. This is only when they divorced that I got to know him.
But also, since they divorced (2009), he started drinking and he is now a full blown alcoholic. He has been living with my nan since 2012 and has been depressed ever since. He found a job but got fired because of his drinking.

On the other hand, my mom (which is the one I have more of a problem with) has never found a job since 2012 and is always moaning about not having any money. A few years ago, she asked me to send her money for Mother's day/her birthday as she wanted to get some sort of skin treatment. i said I couldn't give her the full amount and she said I was stingy. She hates my dad and always criticises him and his family (my nan, aunt etc). She is actually convinced I left France because of him when really it was probably because of them two.
She also has a problem with drinking. When she gets drunk she becomes really hateful and just throws horrible comments to my face. She lies a lot about things (example: I went to a gig about 3 years ago and she was a bit jealous so she asked me to post things on her Facebook feed so she could pretend she had been to impress her Facebook "friends". Again, this year, as the Facebook memory popped up, she thanked me for that wonderful gig we had together).
Because, she's not working, her mom (my other nan who's 90!!) pays her rent and gives her about 300€ per month. To thank her, my mom is absolutely horrible with her and the only thing she wants is for my nan to sell her house so my mom can get the money. She even said she couldn't wait for her to die so she could get the inheritance. She is also very clingy. She will send me a message and if I haven’t replied within 5 minutes she will say something like “oh I can see you have better things to do”.
Last thing is that my mom never managed to keep a friendship more than for 2 years. She always finds bad traits to these new friends and she has arguments with them and go find new friends.

I haven't seen neither of my parents since last September (because of the lockdown mainly) but this made me realise that I don't miss either of them. Even less my mom. I have been wanting to tell her for quite a few months now that I just want to stop contact with her as I think my life would be much less stressful without her. I just don't know how to deal with this just yet so will take my time before doing it. Maybe write her a letter?

I just wish sometimes I had parents I could count on. This whole situation made me mature and responsible a lot earlier than I should. I am very independent now, I never ask for help to anyone and I have been told I was too serious. I am convinced that this is a result of my relatiomship with my parents.

Sorry for the massive message but all this needed to come out.

 

[Thank(space)you]

I cannot remember if I ever posted in this thread (if I have please forgive me) but there have been some stuff just going round in my head for years and I don't know what I should do.
So I am originally from France and I moved to the UK nearly 6 years ago. Now, looking back, I think I did this subconsciously to stay away from both of my parents.

In appearance, I had a very lovely childhood. I was an only child and was very spoilt. Only in terms of material things. My dad was working a lot and when he was home, he was still very absent. Only was watching TV and never helped my mom. This is only when they divorced that I got to know him.
But also, since they divorced (2009), he started drinking and he is now a full blown alcoholic. He has been living with my nan since 2012 and has been depressed ever since. He found a job but got fired because of his drinking.

On the other hand, my mom (which is the one I have more of a problem with) has never found a job since 2012 and is always moaning about not having any money. A few years ago, she asked me to send her money for Mother's day/her birthday as she wanted to get some sort of skin treatment. i said I couldn't give her the full amount and she said I was stingy. She hates my dad and always criticises him and his family (my nan, aunt etc). She is actually convinced I left France because of him when really it was probably because of them two.
She also has a problem with drinking. When she gets drunk she becomes really hateful and just throws horrible comments to my face. She lies a lot about things (example: I went to a gig about 3 years ago and she was a bit jealous so she asked me to post things on her Facebook feed so she could pretend she had been to impress her Facebook "friends". Again, this year, as the Facebook memory popped up, she thanked me for that wonderful gig we had together).
Because, she's not working, her mom (my other nan who's 90!!) pays her rent and gives her about 300€ per month. To thank her, my mom is absolutely horrible with her and the only thing she wants is for my nan to sell her house so my mom can get the money. She even said she couldn't wait for her to die so she could get the inheritance. She is also very clingy. She will send me a message and if I haven’t replied within 5 minutes she will say something like “oh I can see you have better things to do”.
Last thing is that my mom never managed to keep a friendship more than for 2 years. She always finds bad traits to these new friends and she has arguments with them and go find new friends.

I haven't seen neither of my parents since last September (because of the lockdown mainly) but this made me realise that I don't miss either of them. Even less my mom. I have been wanting to tell her for quite a few months now that I just want to stop contact with her as I think my life would be much less stressful without her. I just don't know how to deal with this just yet so will take my time before doing it. Maybe write her a letter?

I just wish sometimes I had parents I could count on. This whole situation made me mature and responsible a lot earlier than I should. I am very independent now, I never ask for help to anyone and I have been told I was too serious. I am convinced that this is a result of my relatiomship with my parents.

Sorry for the massive message but all this needed to come out.

Why do you feel you need to tell her you want to stop contact? Could you not just stop it from here onwards? (Know its not as simple as that)

 

[leapricot]

Why do you feel you need to tell her you want to stop contact? Could you not just stop it from here onwards? (Know its not as simple as that)

Even though I've got lots of resentment towards her, there's still 29 years of history with her. So I think I could at least tell her. It is probably better to explain to her than just disappear like this.

 

[ItsEmmie]

Didn't want to quote your whole post. God she sounds like a nightmare. I don't think you are being unreasonable at all but you are fighting a losing game here. Trying to reason with a toxic parent is like boxing with one hand behind your back - you will always lose.

All I can say is do you need to be living with her?

I know there was trouble a few months ago and I had to speak to a person to do with the police as when I spoke to the actual police they sensed I was being controlled and mentally abused but was wary to speak (true when they said to it to me I shook and nearly fainted because i felt like I was finally believed) because of the back lash I’d get from mum/brothers etc. I was actually given a number to call but when i got the courage (because of anxiety) it said sorry we are busy because of covid and I haven’t dared call since.

Unfortunately I can’t move out at the moment, when I moved back I financed something for my brother and he’s since defaulted payments (£1000) so my credit is probably ruined and my anxiety would stop be daring even try and get credit because I’d die of embarrassment .

I came home to her because I felt I should as her daughter and honestly my mental health is the worst it’s every been and now she’s on the way up again she can’t even tell me the truth, not once.

It’s just so difficult