Narcissistic and toxic parents #2

[screamqueen]

for me it was gradual, which reached a bit of a tipping point.I’m not quite NC but I’m very very low contact. I barley speak or text to them and haven’t seen my narc parents in years.

I knew as a child my dad was “off” and I never bonded with him or had much of a relationship. When I moved to uni I didn’t cut contact conciously, but I was having fun and enjoying for life for the first time, and just never wanted to call or text him. It was like I was just high on this new life without this toxic presence in it. If I had a good relationship with him, id have missed him. But I didn’t. He raged and had a go at me for a while but… I was overseas and he was powerless to do much about it. I think he eventually just accepted that was how it was going to be. He was horrendous to me at my grandfathers funeral and I didn’t talk to him for a year after that. I only spoke to him at my grandmothers insistence. As time has gone on I’ve called and text less and less often, I rarely visit home.

my mother was a lot more covert than my dad. I knew as a child there was something off with her too, but she was much better at hiding it and much, much more manipulative. Her behaviour after the death of a relative a few years ago was the eye opener I needed. I didn’t speak to her for about ayear after it happened but again, a grandparent intervened and begged me to talk to her. (If you go NC or LC be prepared for their enablers - who might be people who are good and who you love - to be weaponised against you.) I rarely go home for visits and I’ll reply to her texts occasionally but rarely answer the phone to her and I’ve got her messages on WhatsApp archived so I can chose if I want to look. Unlike with my dad, I told her why I was reducing contact. Honestly, it wasn’t worth it. She argued with me, gaslit me. As expected, took zero responsibility. She threatened to turn my brother against me.

telling them you’re cutting ties doesn’t really have much of a positive effect IME - it just enrages them and they’ll pull out all their manipulative tactics. They aren’t sad to lose you, it’s just that their ego can’t handle being rejected that way. They’ll never say sorry, never accept your decision. They’ll never accept responsibility for their part in that decision, they will try and force you to change your mind etc etc. There’s just nothing t be gained from telling them.

I dread hearing from her now because when she goes on one of her rants, it still hurts. The unfairness of it hurts bitterly. Similarly, my dad shows favouritism to my siblings (think significant cash gifts while i was left to financial struggle) as a way to hurt me. They *will* try and find a way to hurt you in retaliation.

I don’t speak with them or text them and when I do I Grey rock. I’ll send Christmas/birthday cards to appease them.

I was surprised as how little I miss either of them. I grieve frequently for the parents I never had, and feel like I’ve missed out on that loving relationship. It often makes me feel alone in the world. But I have a new family now - I’m close to my fiancé’s parents, I have solid friendships.

BUT I definitely feel happier and lighter now compared to a few years ago.

the guilt and shame I was subjected to for years, it’s hard to explain but it’s what narcs use to keep you under the thumb and they still use it against me, and it’s still something I have to battle with. I’m constantly reminding myself there’s no shame in cutting off toxic family, that I don’t owe my parents anything. I’ve felt able to open up to other people about how narcissistic my parents are, something I hid for years out of shame, which has been hugely healing for me.

so for me, it was kinda gradual for years but also prompted by an event at the same time. My life has improved since and it’s helped me start to heal.

so in summary, telling them you’re going NC will result in a huge wave of abuse IM. Going LC gradually and then maybe NC will still result in backlash but not at the same level.

I don’t think I couldve managed to go as LC as I have if I didn’t have a good support network, but when you distance yourself and have a chance to gain perspective, the manipulations and abuse because much clearer and it’s the only way to truly heal IMO.

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply, and I’m so sorry you had such a horrid experience hope you’re doing okay.

Your insight to enablers being weaponised is what I feel has started. I’ve always had a great relationship with her siblings, but they’ve gone completely ghost since April which has surprised me, but also, hasn’t really.

The LC has been a weight lifted that’s for sure, but with Christmas coming up there’s the thought of feeling obliged to send a card as I know the backlash that will occur if I don’t. It was interesting to hear your experience with cards to appease them, so I may take the same approach.

Again, so appreciate your insight and experience so Thankyou again, and take care xx

 

[blossombloss]

I'm annoyed at my siblings, who also deal with my narcissistic mother but have been telling me today that "oh she's just trying to be a mum, let her" because I mentioned her messaging me out of the blue, telling me about a situation in my life that I need to sort out, that I have told her several times that I'm not discussing with her. My brother downplayed it but being like "that's just want she's like" and my sister said the above about her wanting to be a mum, while then going on in the next breath to say "I'm not talking to her because she can never admit she's wrong." Well, then why are you making out she's the sweetest woman ever?

I'm so exhausted from being gaslit by them and then when it comes to her doing something bad to them they want to rant and get my support. Sadly for them, I'm entering my "villian" era and I've taken a very clear stance against her and her behaviour and I'm not tolerating it. I have no problem being the bad guy now and then cutting her out. Sucks for them when they'll have to deal with more of her tit.

 

[Good Egg]

for me it was gradual, which reached a bit of a tipping point.I’m not quite NC but I’m very very low contact. I barley speak or text to them and haven’t seen my narc parents in years.

I knew as a child my dad was “off” and I never bonded with him or had much of a relationship. When I moved to uni I didn’t cut contact conciously, but I was having fun and enjoying for life for the first time, and just never wanted to call or text him. It was like I was just high on this new life without this toxic presence in it. If I had a good relationship with him, id have missed him. But I didn’t. He raged and had a go at me for a while but… I was overseas and he was powerless to do much about it. I think he eventually just accepted that was how it was going to be. He was horrendous to me at my grandfathers funeral and I didn’t talk to him for a year after that. I only spoke to him at my grandmothers insistence. As time has gone on I’ve called and text less and less often, I rarely visit home.

my mother was a lot more covert than my dad. I knew as a child there was something off with her too, but she was much better at hiding it and much, much more manipulative. Her behaviour after the death of a relative a few years ago was the eye opener I needed. I didn’t speak to her for about ayear after it happened but again, a grandparent intervened and begged me to talk to her. (If you go NC or LC be prepared for their enablers - who might be people who are good and who you love - to be weaponised against you.) I rarely go home for visits and I’ll reply to her texts occasionally but rarely answer the phone to her and I’ve got her messages on WhatsApp archived so I can chose if I want to look. Unlike with my dad, I told her why I was reducing contact. Honestly, it wasn’t worth it. She argued with me, gaslit me. As expected, took zero responsibility. She threatened to turn my brother against me.

telling them you’re cutting ties doesn’t really have much of a positive effect IME - it just enrages them and they’ll pull out all their manipulative tactics. They aren’t sad to lose you, it’s just that their ego can’t handle being rejected that way. They’ll never say sorry, never accept your decision. They’ll never accept responsibility for their part in that decision, they will try and force you to change your mind etc etc. There’s just nothing t be gained from telling them.

I dread hearing from her now because when she goes on one of her rants, it still hurts. The unfairness of it hurts bitterly. Similarly, my dad shows favouritism to my siblings (think significant cash gifts while i was left to financial struggle) as a way to hurt me. They *will* try and find a way to hurt you in retaliation.

I don’t speak with them or text them and when I do I Grey rock. I’ll send Christmas/birthday cards to appease them.

I was surprised as how little I miss either of them. I grieve frequently for the parents I never had, and feel like I’ve missed out on that loving relationship. It often makes me feel alone in the world. But I have a new family now - I’m close to my fiancé’s parents, I have solid friendships.

BUT I definitely feel happier and lighter now compared to a few years ago.

the guilt and shame I was subjected to for years, it’s hard to explain but it’s what narcs use to keep you under the thumb and they still use it against me, and it’s still something I have to battle with. I’m constantly reminding myself there’s no shame in cutting off toxic family, that I don’t owe my parents anything. I’ve felt able to open up to other people about how narcissistic my parents are, something I hid for years out of shame, which has been hugely healing for me.

so for me, it was kinda gradual for years but also prompted by an event at the same time. My life has improved since and it’s helped me start to heal.

so in summary, telling them you’re going NC will result in a huge wave of abuse IM. Going LC gradually and then maybe NC will still result in backlash but not at the same level.

I don’t think I couldve managed to go as LC as I have if I didn’t have a good support network, but when you distance yourself and have a chance to gain perspective, the manipulations and abuse because much clearer and it’s the only way to truly heal IMO.

The LC to no contact is where I am now. I’ve decided not to mention things or talk about plans or ideas. You can’t tell them anything. It will be twisted to suit a narrative and used against you.
I just feel so sorry for you. Like me I don’t have much of a support network. I feel totally ‘alone’ even though I’m not alone but I do feel like it’s me against an uncertain scary world. I think they’ve brought me up to be dependent on them. Really unhealthy. I don’t feel very independent or strong.

It’s odd how as a small child I used to see and hear things and think ‘that’s not right/normal’. I guess the innocence could see the wrongs in there “always right”.
I remember an aunt had a baby and I was so excited to see the new baby. The way my NM reacted was as if she’s brought home a disease! I remember thinking “why are you not happy about this!?” It was so odd. I guess it’s my first lightbulb moment. I wasn’t allowed to see my new baby cousin. I thought it was because I was bad or something? It stays with you. Turns out she had a “fancier pram” and NM didn’t like that. She was seething.

When I’m away I feel so free. It’s like I’m a different person. I feel so free. I feel relaxed. I feel calm. I don’t think about NM at all.
I wish you well for the future.

 

[cee-bee]

The LC to no contact is where I am now. I’ve decided not to mention things or talk about plans or ideas. You can’t tell them anything. It will be twisted to suit a narrative and used against you.
I just feel so sorry for you. Like me I don’t have much of a support network. I feel totally ‘alone’ even though I’m not alone but I do feel like it’s me against an uncertain scary world. I think they’ve brought me up to be dependent on them. Really unhealthy. I don’t feel very independent or strong.

It’s odd how as a small child I used to see and hear things and think ‘that’s not right/normal’. I guess the innocence could see the wrongs in there “always right”.
I remember an aunt had a baby and I was so excited to see the new baby. The way my NM reacted was as if she’s brought home a disease! I remember thinking “why are you not happy about this!?” It was so odd. I guess it’s my first lightbulb moment. I wasn’t allowed to see my new baby cousin. I thought it was because I was bad or something? It stays with you. Turns out she had a “fancier pram” and NM didn’t like that. She was seething.

When I’m away I feel so free. It’s like I’m a different person. I feel so free. I feel relaxed. I feel calm. I don’t think about NM at all.
I wish you well for the future.

likewise! It’s funny how gut instinct kicks in as a kid. Even though you don’t know why it’s off, you just know it is.

 

[Tangent Tiger]

I can't go 100% no contact.

How do people cope with the temper tantrums and guilt tripping?

 

[Rodneytrotter]

I can't go 100% no contact.

How do people cope with the temper tantrums and guilt tripping?

Maybe practise a set phrase that you can say when they start? And also practise the uncomfortable feeling you will experience when you've said it. But for me, no contact was the only answer after trying low contact for a couple of years.

Also I think if no contact is not an option then just build your life up so positively with work, friends, hobbies etc that the parent becomes less of a focus in your brain xx

 

[Tangent Tiger]

Maybe practise a set phrase that you can say when they start? And also practise the uncomfortable feeling you will experience when you've said it. But for me, no contact was the only answer after trying low contact for a couple of years.

Also I think if no contact is not an option then just build your life up so positively with work, friends, hobbies etc that the parent becomes less of a focus in your brain xx

Thank you. She's end of life and lonely and in pain so I can't completely detach. But it's interfering with my life too much!

Will practise getting my head space back.

 

[no-no]

Thank you. She's end of life and lonely and in pain so I can't completely detach. But it's interfering with my life too much!

Will practise getting my head space back.

Is she living independently?

I think the way you try and deal with the guilt trips is to remind yourself you are your own person and entitled to do what you want, not what is expected of you. You’re usually an extension of them in their eyes so their responses are not normal. It’s easier said than done, I'm currently feeling guilty as my mum assumes I’ll go and sit in hers whenever I have free time. I told her I want to chill in my own home this weekend after a hard week at work. She treats it as being snubbed but doesn’t see how unreasonable (and weird) it is for a grown woman to be expected to spend so much time with their mother.

 

[cee-bee]

I can't go 100% no contact.

How do people cope with the temper tantrums and guilt tripping?

grey rocking - make yourself as boring and detached as possible.

physical distance - don’t live in the same house. Harder to guilt trip and throw tantrums when they don’t live in the same house. Being a phone call away gives you power because… you can mute your phone, detach and turn on Netflix. Walk away when they have a tanrum

most important advice I would give though? Learn to handle feelings of shame and guilt. Learn to sit with these uncomfortable feelings. I do this by having internal conversations with myself. For example, if my narc parent is calling me selfish and bad for not doing XYZ, I have mantras I tell myself. “I’m allowed to feel a certain way and paying attention to my needs doesn’t make me a bad person or intrinsically selfish”
I remind myself of all the people I’ve been kind and selfless towards, as a reminder that I’m not the person they are trying to make me think I am.

your narc parent will make you feel bad for not doing what you want, so you can either acquiese so don’t feel bad, or you can endure those uncomfortable feelings and learn to cope with them, and break the narc power over you.

I remind myself that weaponised guilt and shame is just part of the narc arsenal to control me. If I can handle feelings of guilt and shame, it can’t be weaponised against me in the same way.

kids of narc parents are so used to having our thoughts/feelings/needs ignored and trampled upon that paying them the slightest bit of attention, makes us feel like the worst person in the world. Recognising this and laying down boundaries, learning how to communicate assertively, learning to honour your needs - is a good long term strategy, it’ll protect you from narcs but also other manipukative

 

[Slaybutter]

I can't go 100% no contact.

How do people cope with the temper tantrums and guilt tripping?

When you must interact, try to have a friend or somebody else who is on your side be with you. Having supportive people present counteracts so much of the negativity.

 

[Chandler Bing]

I've started writing a few times now but I just don't know what to say. But one thing I really want to say that I love all of you wonderful people on this thread so much. We are all here because of horrible things have happened to us, but I'm so glad to know that I'm not alone

I said some time ago that I was unable to go NC with my narc dad. The reason was that he would then hound a vulnerable member of the family who is very dear to me. I was LC, basically I would never contact him but would answer the phone when he called me once a month, and I used to see him no more than 2 times a year because he lives far away.

Last time I saw him was 20 weeks ago. I accidentally said something that made him furious. He had a go at me and then immediately he had to make an urgent phone call to his dentist I walked out and haven't heard from him since.

On one hand I finally feel free! I'm so happy. But on the other hand I absolutely dread the day he decides to call me again, if he does. The amount of abuse I will get will be off the charts. I can go for weeks and not even think about the situation, but then if I remember what happened I feel the dread and I feel like I can't breathe. I have a health condition brought on by chronic stress, and that was under control for the longest time but it's flared up again. Last week I had to leave the Asda because I had a panic attack out of the blue. I catch myself sometimes just dreaming of getting the phone call to say that he's died. All the stress in my life would disappear with that one call.

I don't really know what I'm trying to say, but I can't tell anyone in real life because they would never understand. Thank you all for listening

 

[cee-bee]

I've started writing a few times now but I just don't know what to say. But one thing I really want to say that I love all of you wonderful people on this thread so much. We are all here because of horrible things have happened to us, but I'm so glad to know that I'm not alone

I said some time ago that I was unable to go NC with my narc dad. The reason was that he would then hound a vulnerable member of the family who is very dear to me. I was LC, basically I would never contact him but would answer the phone when he called me once a month, and I used to see him no more than 2 times a year because he lives far away.

Last time I saw him was 20 weeks ago. I accidentally said something that made him furious. He had a go at me and then immediately he had to make an urgent phone call to his dentist I walked out and haven't heard from him since.

On one hand I finally feel free! I'm so happy. But on the other hand I absolutely dread the day he decides to call me again, if he does. The amount of abuse I will get will be off the charts. I can go for weeks and not even think about the situation, but then if I remember what happened I feel the dread and I feel like I can't breathe. I have a health condition brought on by chronic stress, and that was under control for the longest time but it's flared up again. Last week I had to leave the Asda because I had a panic attack out of the blue. I catch myself sometimes just dreaming of getting the phone call to say that he's died. All the stress in my life would disappear with that one call.

I don't really know what I'm trying to say, but I can't tell anyone in real life because they would never understand. Thank you all for listening

that sounds horrendous for you, truly awful. I’m sorry this man is making you go through that.

just remember that you have the control now. You are not the helpless child dependent on him. He doesn’t have power over you anymore. You only stay in contact with him because you want to protect someone else, that was your choice - not his.

that’s probably why he’s gone awol for 20 weeks. If you are low contact, answering the phone on your terms, that demonstrates your control over the situation. It is rejection and the narc ego can’t handle that. If he is the one who has thrown a tantrum and decided to ghost you then he can maintain that illusion of control to himself. That’s probably why he kicked off too - he knows his grip on you is slipping.

you don’t need to feel that suffocation and dread anymore. You’re in control now. You don’t need to wait until he’s dead. When you get those feelings of dread: ask yourself why you feel this way? is it because it’s reliving childhood experiences and feelings? Is it because of the things he says? Like I said before, you’re not a dependent child anymore. And you can remind yourself that the hurtful things he says, aren’t true. You know they aren’t true. I experienced similar feelings of dread for phone calls from my parents. I was dreading some of the hurtful things they’d say, that would make me feel small and powerless and it was like being transported to being that unloved kid again and I didn’t want to go back there mentally!

when you start practising that awareness and exploring your emotions, a lot can start to dawn on you. For me, it helped to remind myself that their skewed view, wasn’t the correct one. They don’t even truly know I understand me as a person to make judgements on my character or actions.

the best course of action for all of us is probably a specialist therapist. But realistically, those aren’t available or accessible, so the next best thing is to therapise yourself. Confront those feelings of dread, ask yourself what you’re really scared of and then talk it through with yourself. It removes a huge amount of its power over you.

 

[Lemonsqueezy123!]

I feel a sense of relief finding this thread as I just feel like I need somebody to talk to.

Growing up my Nanna was more of a mum to me really as my own mum had me quite young. There was always new men around, one memory I have of being quite young was being locked in a room and sprayed with water by one. I’ve never, ever spoken to my mum about any of this.
She met someone and ended up having my brother and sister, love them to absolute pieces. Fast forward a few years and my step brother sexually assaulted me 3 times. I kept it to myself in fear that I’d be seen as trying to cause trouble or break my family up. 5 years ago I ended up reporting it to the police, he was charged, went to trial and was sentenced to 6 years. He’s served half and is due out the first week of December. My mum split up with his dad but he’s known to turn up and try to frighten her and cause trouble.
She’s booked to go to a log cabin with her new boyfriend the week he’s released and wants me to stay at hers to look after my brother and sister and her 3 dogs. I’m 26 now with an 8 month old baby. I’ve asked if she could maybe ask another family member and she’s just bombarding me with reasons why I need to stay. I don’t want to stay in a house where I was raped the same week he’s released and I especially don’t want to stay there with my baby knowing his family could turn up any time. I’m safe at home because they don’t know where I live.
I’m so sorry for such a huge story, it already just feels better writing it down and getting it off my chest

 

[JuneRay]

I feel a sense of relief finding this thread as I just feel like I need somebody to talk to.

Growing up my Nanna was more of a mum to me really as my own mum had me quite young. There was always new men around, one memory I have of being quite young was being locked in a room and sprayed with water by one. I’ve never, ever spoken to my mum about any of this.
She met someone and ended up having my brother and sister, love them to absolute pieces. Fast forward a few years and my step brother sexually assaulted me 3 times. I kept it to myself in fear that I’d be seen as trying to cause trouble or break my family up. 5 years ago I ended up reporting it to the police, he was charged, went to trial and was sentenced to 6 years. He’s served half and is due out the first week of December. My mum split up with his dad but he’s known to turn up and try to frighten her and cause trouble.
She’s booked to go to a log cabin with her new boyfriend the week he’s released and wants me to stay at hers to look after my brother and sister and her 3 dogs. I’m 26 now with an 8 month old baby. I’ve asked if she could maybe ask another family member and she’s just bombarding me with reasons why I need to stay. I don’t want to stay in a house where I was raped the same week he’s released and I especially don’t want to stay there with my baby knowing his family could turn up any time. I’m safe at home because they don’t know where I live.
I’m so sorry for such a huge story, it already just feels better writing it down and getting it off my chest

You know you HAVE to do what feels right for you AND your baby. You are under no obligation to anyone, loyalty doesn't play into this and you have to tell yourself that. That includes people pleasing. It's time to get selfish, when I say selfish - I mean prioritise yourself. You are a strong woman to have survived the things you have. Do not stay in that house, you be wherever you feel safest and where is right for you and your baby.

 

[Lemonsqueezy123!]

You know you HAVE to do what feels right for you AND your baby. You are under no obligation to anyone, loyalty doesn't play into this and you have to tell yourself that. That includes people pleasing. It's time to get selfish, when I say selfish - I mean prioritise yourself. You are a strong woman to have survived the things you have. Do not stay in that house, you be wherever you feel safest and where is right for you and your baby.

I’ve honestly just broken down reading this because it was exactly what I needed to hear and exactly what I knew deep down. Thank you

 

[nothanksbabes]

I feel a sense of relief finding this thread as I just feel like I need somebody to talk to.

Growing up my Nanna was more of a mum to me really as my own mum had me quite young. There was always new men around, one memory I have of being quite young was being locked in a room and sprayed with water by one. I’ve never, ever spoken to my mum about any of this.
She met someone and ended up having my brother and sister, love them to absolute pieces. Fast forward a few years and my step brother sexually assaulted me 3 times. I kept it to myself in fear that I’d be seen as trying to cause trouble or break my family up. 5 years ago I ended up reporting it to the police, he was charged, went to trial and was sentenced to 6 years. He’s served half and is due out the first week of December. My mum split up with his dad but he’s known to turn up and try to frighten her and cause trouble.
She’s booked to go to a log cabin with her new boyfriend the week he’s released and wants me to stay at hers to look after my brother and sister and her 3 dogs. I’m 26 now with an 8 month old baby. I’ve asked if she could maybe ask another family member and she’s just bombarding me with reasons why I need to stay. I don’t want to stay in a house where I was raped the same week he’s released and I especially don’t want to stay there with my baby knowing his family could turn up any time. I’m safe at home because they don’t know where I live.
I’m so sorry for such a huge story, it already just feels better writing it down and getting it off my chest

You do not have to do anything you (very understandably) don't feel comfortable with. You'd be within your rights to decline without your traumatic backstory, and definitely with a small baby to care for. I know it's hard, they have a way of making you feel guilty and obligated, but you need to prioritise yourself. "No" is a complete sentence, focus on you and your little one

 

[Chandler Bing]

that sounds horrendous for you, truly awful. I’m sorry this man is making you go through that.

just remember that you have the control now. You are not the helpless child dependent on him. He doesn’t have power over you anymore. You only stay in contact with him because you want to protect someone else, that was your choice - not his.

that’s probably why he’s gone awol for 20 weeks. If you are low contact, answering the phone on your terms, that demonstrates your control over the situation. It is rejection and the narc ego can’t handle that. If he is the one who has thrown a tantrum and decided to ghost you then he can maintain that illusion of control to himself. That’s probably why he kicked off too - he knows his grip on you is slipping.

you don’t need to feel that suffocation and dread anymore. You’re in control now. You don’t need to wait until he’s dead. When you get those feelings of dread: ask yourself why you feel this way? is it because it’s reliving childhood experiences and feelings? Is it because of the things he says? Like I said before, you’re not a dependent child anymore. And you can remind yourself that the hurtful things he says, aren’t true. You know they aren’t true. I experienced similar feelings of dread for phone calls from my parents. I was dreading some of the hurtful things they’d say, that would make me feel small and powerless and it was like being transported to being that unloved kid again and I didn’t want to go back there mentally!

when you start practising that awareness and exploring your emotions, a lot can start to dawn on you. For me, it helped to remind myself that their skewed view, wasn’t the correct one. They don’t even truly know I understand me as a person to make judgements on my character or actions.

the best course of action for all of us is probably a specialist therapist. But realistically, those aren’t available or accessible, so the next best thing is to therapise yourself. Confront those feelings of dread, ask yourself what you’re really scared of and then talk it through with yourself. It removes a huge amount of its power over you.

Thank you so much for your kind words. It's the "what have I done wrong now" I dread I guess. Nothing is ever right. I even answer the phone wrong he says!

Ironic after my post that I had a missed call from him on Sunday now. I haven't called him back and I don't intend to.

 

[cee-bee]

I feel a sense of relief finding this thread as I just feel like I need somebody to talk to.

Growing up my Nanna was more of a mum to me really as my own mum had me quite young. There was always new men around, one memory I have of being quite young was being locked in a room and sprayed with water by one. I’ve never, ever spoken to my mum about any of this.
She met someone and ended up having my brother and sister, love them to absolute pieces. Fast forward a few years and my step brother sexually assaulted me 3 times. I kept it to myself in fear that I’d be seen as trying to cause trouble or break my family up. 5 years ago I ended up reporting it to the police, he was charged, went to trial and was sentenced to 6 years. He’s served half and is due out the first week of December. My mum split up with his dad but he’s known to turn up and try to frighten her and cause trouble.
She’s booked to go to a log cabin with her new boyfriend the week he’s released and wants me to stay at hers to look after my brother and sister and her 3 dogs. I’m 26 now with an 8 month old baby. I’ve asked if she could maybe ask another family member and she’s just bombarding me with reasons why I need to stay. I don’t want to stay in a house where I was raped the same week he’s released and I especially don’t want to stay there with my baby knowing his family could turn up any time. I’m safe at home because they don’t know where I live.
I’m so sorry for such a huge story, it already just feels better writing it down and getting it off my chest

Gosh you are incredibly brave. Well done for reporting him and enduring the trial. I cannot even imagine how horrendous that process must have been for you, but you may very well have prevented other women enduring what you have done. You are worth a hundred of this man and your mother.

im so sorry at how your mother has repeatedly let you down. You deserve so much better than that. And now instead of staying with you, at a difficult time when you are a new mother yourself, she’s taking herself off on holiday. Selfish doesn’t even cover it. If she had a modicum of decency she’d be ashamed of herself, not rabbiting on with reasons why you should help her out.

you absolutely do not need to stay. For your own well-being, I’d advise against it. No is a whole sentence and you have nothing to justify or apologise for. Asking a new mother to take care of her own baby, three dogs AND her siblings?! Let alone the traumatic timing of it?!? Sorry but on your behalf duck that and duck her sense of entitlement.

I’m fuming on your behalf and wish I could give you a hug, you don’t deserve this at all. Look after yourself and your baby. Your mum can sort herself out.

 

[Lemonsqueezy123!]

Gosh you are incredibly brave. Well done for reporting him and enduring the trial. I cannot even imagine how horrendous that process must have been for you, but you may very well have prevented other women enduring what you have done. You are worth a hundred of this man and your mother.

im so sorry at how your mother has repeatedly let you down. You deserve so much better than that. And now instead of staying with you, at a difficult time when you are a new mother yourself, she’s taking herself off on holiday. Selfish doesn’t even cover it. If she had a modicum of decency she’d be ashamed of herself, not rabbiting on with reasons why you should help her out.

you absolutely do not need to stay. For your own well-being, I’d advise against it. No is a whole sentence and you have nothing to justify or apologise for. Asking a new mother to take care of her own baby, three dogs AND her siblings?! Let alone the traumatic timing of it?!? Sorry but on your behalf duck that and duck her sense of entitlement.

I’m fuming on your behalf and wish I could give you a hug, you don’t deserve this at all. Look after yourself and your baby. Your mum can sort herself out.

I can’t even begin to explain how grateful I am for your kind words and advice. I don’t really have anyone who I can talk to about it all other than my partner but sometimes I just don’t want to burden him with it. SO wish I had people like you guys in my life.
I asked if she could ask her dad for some help as I’m just a nervous wreck incase his family was to turn up at her house. She said she would and that she doesn’t want to put me in an uncomfortable position. Followed by “But they won’t turn up” “If they turn up, your auntie will be straight round” “Your grandad will be straight round” “My neighbours will be straight out” I don’t understand how after everything I still just feel nothing but guilt

 

[cee-bee]

I can’t even begin to explain how grateful I am for your kind words and advice. I don’t really have anyone who I can talk to about it all other than my partner but sometimes I just don’t want to burden him with it. SO wish I had people like you guys in my life.
I asked if she could ask her dad for some help as I’m just a nervous wreck incase his family was to turn up at her house. She said she would and that she doesn’t want to put me in an uncomfortable position. Followed by “But they won’t turn up” “If they turn up, your auntie will be straight round” “Your grandad will be straight round” “My neighbours will be straight out” I don’t understand how after everything I still just feel nothing but guilt

honestly, those feelings of guilt are a common theme on this thread.

growing up having your feelings and experiences invalidated or ignored, it’s not surprising. Putting ourselves first feels selfish, because we’ve been conditioned to think that way. Boundaries feel uncomfortable because we’ve become accustomed to not having them.

the guilt and shame feels horrible but.. we owe it to ourselves to sit through those uncomfortable feelings and do what’s best for ourselves. It’s never selfish to take care of yourself.